So, guys, I'm so sorry about my lack of updates with Broken. I have a half of an update written and then I dk what happened. I just got really … uninspired. I'm hoping to do better soon.
However, today (yesterday now, really) I got an idea in my head and I couldn't shake it so I wrote it. It's not happy. Not by any stretch of the imagination. And it's more of a ficlet than a oneshot because it's short. But I needed to write it.
I hope you all like it.
Disclaimer: I don't own Lucas, Brooke, or anything else, really. But I wish I did. The name comes from an Indigo Girls song. Beautiful. Listen to it if you've got the means and time.
Lucas shrugs, "the rest is me," he assures Brooke of the speech that he spent all night writing.
"The part about taking chances and believing in the possibility even when life has given you every reason not to believe," Brooke isolates one of his favorite parts of the speech. He wrote it, thinking only of his need to believe in his chances. No matter what happened last time.
"That's what's so great about weddings. Two people come together and even if it's just for one night, they make us believe again," Brooke looks over at him with tears in her eyes.
Subconsciously, he was probably trying to tell her that he wants her to believe again. In them. In him. He knows he doesn't actually deserve it but he can't help but hope for it. He needs to believe that she'll care about him again. One day. Because he's pretty sure he's in love with her. And he can't deal with the possibility that he'll never have the chance to show her.
"Stop!" She laughs, "I don't have any more tissues." He chuckles with her and hands her his handkerchief.
Dabbing at her eyes, she sighs, "I just hope at my wedding someone says something that nice about me."
Those words conjure things in his head that he probably shouldn't even be thinking about. Brooke in a white dress. Him standing in front of their friends and family, pledging his undying love for her. He sees it all so clearly. It's his wish for their future. It's what he wants to believe in.
"I think you can count on that," he tells her because he knows that, without a doubt, whether she chooses to love him or some other lucky guy, he'll be her friend. First and foremost. Always her friend. And as her friend, as someone who'll always love her, he'll be sure that she hears good things at her wedding. Only good things.
I want to say that underneath it all you are my friend.
And the way that I fell for you I'll never fall that way again.
As Lucas stands outside of the room that holds the bride, he closes his eyes and remembers that day so many years ago. He always knew there was a possibility that he wouldn't that guy, her guy, but that day, he hoped against all hope that he would be. Today, he wishes against all that is for her to want him. It's the most selfish thing he can think on this day. Her wedding day. It'll probably be the happiest day in her life for a long time. And he wants to share it with her, her bliss. But he feels so empty. She stood next to Peyton as he made her his wife. She never complained, never voiced anything that he's feeling now. And he still can't suck it up and be as good as she was. He wishes he could.
He tells himself that he's just going to go in there and say a few good things, keep his promise, and then get out of there and into the ceremony room to sit with his mom quietly. He just has this need to keep his promise to her. He's broken too many, where she's concerned, as it is.
The problem with that is that Brooke's wedding isn't going to be that sacred experience that he and Brooke discussed all those years ago. Not for him. Today is the day that his belief dies. Her pledging all of her love and life to Julian can't possibly make him believe in anything. Except he knows that that's not fair. He knows that he did this to her three years ago. Even if she didn't complain. Even if she didn't feel it as strongly as he does now. She watched him marry Peyton and he owes it to her to stand by her today. To be her friend today. Because that's all he can ever be.
And if anyone deserves love, she does. He's just always going to resent that she didn't want his love. And that's not her fault. It's not.
Taking a deep breath, he squares his shoulders and knocks on the door. The door opens and he looks down at his little girl. She's beautiful in a white dress with a red ribbon around her waist and another in her hair. Squealing, she tells him that boys aren't allowed. Amused, he bends down and scoops her up to kiss her, walking into the room and leaving the door open. "Hey, my pretty girl," he whispers to Sawyer.
He looks around the room and sees Victoria, scowling at him and Haley, deep in conversation with another woman, who he assumes is Julian's mother. His gaze finally lands on Brooke and Peyton, standing in front of a full length mirror. Peyton is busy tying up the laces on Brooke's back but Brooke is looking into the mirror, her eyes on him.
"I need a few minutes alone with the bride," he tells the room. Hopefully, he imagined his voice cracking on the word bride. God, she's the most beautiful bride he's ever seen. He knew she would be.
Haley looks at him, concerned, "Lucas," she takes a deep breath, as if fortifying herself for this conversation, "you can have a few minutes later. Now is not the time."
He looks directly at Haley, prepared to fight her, when Brooke clears her throat. "Luke," she's turned toward him now and smiling her fake smile. "I'm so happy you came."
He smiles, what he hopes is a genuine smile, back. "I'm happy to see you. And everyone else." His gaze sweeps the room again. And he makes a decision. "Anyway, sixteen year old me made a promise to you. And I'm keeping it. I'd rather not do it in front of an audience." His eyes land on Haley and he tells her without an uncertainty, "But I will, if I'm forced to."
"Luke, what's this about?" Peyton asks him. "Why didn't you come over to Brooke's last night if you wanted to keep some sort of promise? We're on a schedule."
Brooke touches Peyton's shoulder and she shakes her head. "We're ahead of time and anyway, no one will be surprised if I'm late. If it's okay with you, I don't mind talking to Lucas for a few minutes."
Lucas forces himself not to roll his eyes. She's really asking for Peyton's permission as if she were his mom and not his wife. He can be alone with and talk to whoever he wants. He's twenty-eight years old, for crying out loud.
Peyton laughs, "It's fine by me. We'll just go see about some things." She shrugs at the other ladies in the room and walks over to Lucas to take Sawyer from him.
He gives his daughter another kiss and touches Peyton on the shoulder. "Thank you," he tells her even though he didn't need her permission.
"Maybe it'll be good for both of you," she shrugs. "I don't know. Just don't make her cry."
He nods; he doesn't plan on making her cry.
Haley stops in front of him next. He looks down at her stomach. She must be about seven months pregnant and she's glowing but he can see that she's got some thinly veiled rage underneath that natural glow. "Lucas, I swear to God," she starts to warn him.
"Hales," he stops her with a hand on her arm, "please. Give me more credit than you are. I just want to talk to her. No one stopped her from talking to me at my wedding. Why is this a big deal?"
"It's a big deal because you've been home for a whole week and you didn't even try to go see her. You didn't say two words to her at her rehearsal. And you walk in here, a half an hour before the ceremony's about to start, looking like you ran your hands through your hair way too much today already- a sure sign that you're nervous- and you can't say the word bride without wincing. It scares me, Lucas, because I know you. And I know her. And you made your choice. You need to let her follow through with hers."
She makes a lot of good points that he's going to choose to ignore right now. He shakes his head, "If you know me so well, Hales, you'd know that I am not going to do anything that could hurt Brooke. I'd never hurt her."
"On purpose," she corrects him. "You'd never hurt her, on purpose."
"And I'm not going to today. No tears. No anything but good." He looks into his best friend's eyes, "I swear. Haley, I swear."
She nods and walks out.
Julian's mom and Victoria walk past him together. Victoria tells the other woman to go on and turns toward him. He steels himself for whatever it is that she's about to say. She looks at him for what feels like forever, trying to judge what he's doing maybe, and then she smiles. "I always thought she could do better than you."
He feels that statement as if she punched him in the face. "I guess she has," he agrees with her.
She shakes her head, "She just found someone to love her. Someone to invest her big heart into. But I think I was wrong about you. Don't prove me right today."
With that, she walks out, shutting the door behind her. His eyes automatically go to Brooke. Who is gorgeous in a white gown. Who looks nervous as hell to be in this room alone with him.
Who's marrying someone else today, no matter what he wishes.
He takes a step forward. Time to do this and get on with this nightmare of a day.
-xBLx-
Lucas is in the bridal suite. Why is he in the bridal suite? What promise is he talking about? How can he possibly be so preoccupied with something he promised her over ten years ago?
She's marrying someone else today. On his wedding day, that was all she could think of. Sure, she forced herself to think about anything but that. But on the inside, all she saw was Lucas marrying someone who wasn't her. And all he can think about, on her day, is a promise he made over a decade ago. If that doesn't prove to her that his love for her was never as strong as her love for him, nothing ever will. As if she didn't already know it.
She laughs to break the tension in the room. "I think they all are more worried about today than I am."
"They just love you," he smiles. "They want your day to be perfect."
"Is that what all of the whispering was?"
He shrugs, "I guess I don't have a good track record with your heart. But I'm not here to hurt you or bring up things that will hurt you, Brooke. I just wanted to say a few nice things to you on your wedding day."
She can feel the tears building in her eyes. That promise. If she didn't know better, she'd think she was seeing tears in his eyes, too. "You've already said so many nice things about me, Luke. And I don't know what they said, but I trust that you wouldn't want to hurt me. I know you never hurt me on purpose."
"Beautiful, brilliant, and brave. Those are facts. They don't really count as nice things," he tells her, looking down. Leaving out the chapters upon chapters of words that recalled their time together. The thousands of beautiful words that he heaped upon her. About her. "I wanted to tell you," he clears his throat and looks her in the eyes. If she had any doubts about whether he had tears or not, they were erased the moment their eyes connected. He's definitely fighting the tears, too. "that you have always made me believe." He clears his throat again and gives her a wry grin. "Well, almost always. You have this way about you, Brooke Davis. You make the people around you happy. Which is why I think that you deserve happiness more than anyone in the world. So, be happy, Brooke. There's nothing I want more. I needed to say that."
She closes her eyes, thinking back to the time when she was the happiest, and lets one tear slide down her cheek. "Hey now," he tells her, reaching for the tear and brushing it away, "please don't cry. I promised Haley."
She nods and opens her eyes. "You called Sawyer pretty girl." It's a statement. She heard him when he walked in. She can't even touch the rest of what he said.
He smiles, a true one this time. "She reminds me of you sometimes. She's so the opposite of everything Peyton and I are. So full of life and vibrant."
If he wants to have this serious talk thirty minutes before she's supposed to marry someone else, she decides that she can ask him a few things in return. It's only fair. So she does. "Are you happy, Luke?"
Even as the words come out of her mouth, she's not sure why she asks. Or if she wants to know the answer. But she has to know. He's telling her that he wants her happiness more than anything. She gave that up once for his happiness. Because that was how she felt. And she needs to know now if it was worth it. If it worked.
He looks surprised by the question and he really gives it thought before answering it. "Honestly?" he asks and she nods for him to continue. "Enough. I'm happy enough. I love that little girl with everything in me. Peyton and I fit. My mom and little sister are a short walk from my house. I miss home. I miss Jamie. And Nathan and Haley. I miss you. I miss you a lot. And I'd rather be anywhere but here, in one sense and in another, I can't imagine being anywhere else. So, I guess, it depends on your definition of happy."
"You don't want to be here?" She doesn't know how to feel about that. In one breath, she absolutely understands. She'd have given a limb to be able to get out of his wedding to Peyton. In a way. And then she would have always regretted not going. In another breath, she wants him- no, she needs him- to want to be here. To not be having the issues with her getting married that she had with his getting married. She wants to know that he's happy. That she was right all of those years ago.
She wants him and Peyton to be in love, not to just fit. But she can't even begin to ask him what that means.
"Of course, Brooke. I want to be here. I just wish…" he shakes his head. "This isn't about my regrets. This is about your day. About you and how amazing you are. And how you deserve everything." His eyes meet hers again and there's so much sincerity in them. "You really deserve the world."
She has no words to say to him as he continues to just search her eyes, as if he's searching for her soul. Those eyes are the only that she's ever really felt saw her right down to the soul. She does the only thing she can think of, reaching out and pulling him into a hug. As his arms tighten around her waist, she hates her heart for settling in there, feeling at home there. For not feeling at home anywhere else. "I really needed to hear that."
They're the words she settles on saying. She really needed to hear a lot more but he doesn't seem like he can give anymore and she respects that. She always has. But it was good to talk to him. It's always good to talk to him.
"I really needed to say it," he whispers to her.
And she can't help it if she feels like she's going to choke on the tears that she's trying to tamp down.
-xBLx-
When he finally feels like he can safely release her from the hug, he steps back, blinking the tears that keep coming back away.
She gives him a smile, full on, with dimples, and his heart breaks a little bit more. This is going to be the hardest day he's had in a really long time. Sometime during this conversation, he decided to make it harder on himself and offer something that he's only ever offered to one other person. Something that came much easier then than it's going to today.
"So," he starts, "I was thinking."
She laughs, "You're always thinking; it's why I called you broody for the longest time."
He winces at the thought of the nickname. At the thought of the time when she gave him it. And then he laughs in spite of himself. "Yeah, well. You know what they say about old habits."
"They die a slow and painful death?" her dimples are out in full force now and he's so happy she's smiling. It almost makes the ache in his chest go away. Almost.
"I gave Haley away at her wedding," he tells her. As if that justifies what he's about to say. He doesn't even know what makes him think this is a good idea. It's not.
She nods, "I was there. I remember."
"Your dad isn't here for you today." He hates how that dims her light a little bit. He doesn't understand how her father could miss such an important day. It reminds him of Sawyer. Of how much he loves her. He'd do anything for her. "And well, and I said this to Haley too, I don't think I could ever really give you away. But I'd walk you down the aisle. I'd like to walk you down the aisle."
Her eyes go wide and she stands there shocked. He knows the feeling. He's choking on the lump in his throat from just standing with her. Handing her over to Julian is going to kill him. But he wants her wedding to be complete. He wants her to know that he's happy for her.
He wants to be happy for her.
He just wants her to be happy. He'll do anything, but anything, for that to happen. Even if it includes shattering what's left of his heart and soul by handing her to Julian.
"Lucas," she whispers, as if she's having a hard time talking. "that would be too much. You don't have to do that."
"There's nothing that's too much, Brooke," he tells her honestly. "I would be honored to walk with you. To get you to the man you want to spend forever with."
This time, he does choke on the words. He feels the tear slide down his cheek and her hand wipe it away. He goes on, "I was probably playing a little with Haley when I said I couldn't give her away. I trusted Nathan with her one hundred percent at that point. I'm not joking right now. This wouldn't be me giving you away, Brooke. Not in my heart. I couldn't do that. I never could. I wish I was that strong. But I'll always love you. I just also understand that you love Julian. And I want to be the one to hand you what you love. The only thing that I want more than that is your happiness. So if you don't want me to…"
He can't talk anymore. So he just stands there and waits for her to answer him.
She doesn't for the longest time, just stands there, tears flowing. He's crying, too. Her arms come around him again and he just holds her tight. Through the embrace he feels her head nod. He hears her whispered, "There's nothing that would make me happier."
-xBLx-
Almost nothing, Brooke amends in her head, standing in the hallway. There's almost nothing she wants more than to give Lucas what he needs.
No one thought to go against her when she informed them of the change in plans. Instead, they went to work fixing her makeup and Lucas went to the bathroom to wash his face. And now, here they were, ten minutes late, watching Peyton walk up the aisle.
Lucas holds his arm out to her and she takes it, as the music starts. With the first beats of the wedding march playing, Lucas takes a step forward and she's left a step behind. He turns toward her, a questioning look on his face.
She smiles at his confusion and whispers, "Just so you know, this isn't you getting rid of me. Not in my heart. Because I'll always love you, too."
His eyes fill up again; hers are already full. His small nod is all the acknowledgement of the words that he gives. And then he turns forward and waits for her to step up to him.
All of her friends and family are in full view now and she puts a smile on her face as Julian's face comes into view.
Maybe what he meant is what she feels with Julian. You can fit with someone. It can be right and not be what she had with Lucas. She and Julian fit. He and Peyton fit. But it wasn't all consuming love. She knew that now.
And still, he was right all of those years ago. A wedding is about two people coming together and making everyone believe. Only, today, it wasn't her and Julian that were making her believe. Today, it's this walk with Lucas that's renewing her faith.
In love. In what's meant to be.
As long as he's in her life, as long as they never give each other away, there will always be hope. In her heart. And in his, of that, she's more sure now than ever.
When they get to the end of the aisle and Lucas takes her hand to place it into Julian's, she smiles at him, and just for a moment, closes her eyes to remember.
To remember the day that he made a promise that he made sure to keep today. To remember the beginning of always.
She'll never forget.
I still believe despite our differences that what we have's enough.
And I believe in you and I believe in love.
"The rest is me," Lucas laughs, letting her know that he didn't steal all of Dante's words.
Brooke smiles, needing to tell him which words of his touched her so deeply, "the part about taking chances and believing in the possibility even when life has given you every reason not to believe." It's her favorite part of his speech. It reminds her that he can be so optimistic. So eloquent. So … open. Everything she needed. Needs. And can't have.
He looks at her as if he's seeing right into her soul and explains himself. "That's what's so great about weddings. Two people come together and even if it's just for one night, they make us believe again." It makes her feel as if her superficial love of weddings can't compare to this overwhelming spiritual experience that he thinks is happening and at the same time, she gets it. That's her love of weddings, too. The feeling of all consuming love all around them. It's powerful.
And yet, believing in it could be dangerous. Disastrous. Heartbreaking. She should know. And so should Lucas. Suddenly, her eyes are tearing up again and she needs to make this less serious than it feels. "Stop! I don't have any more tissues," she laughs, trying to cover up how much the words mean to her.
He laughs with her and hands her his handkerchief. As she dabs at her eyes, one more thought about his beautiful words slips out, "I just hope at my wedding someone says something that nice about me."
It's exactly what she was thinking and yet, she wishes she didn't say it. But then he surprises her by smiling and turning his blue gaze toward her once more, "I think you can count on that."
And she believes him. Maybe it's the way he says it, so sincerely. Or the look in his eyes as they connect with hers. All she knows is that he's making a promise to her, that he probably can't keep and he means it with his whole heart. It feels a lot like she's drowning in the pools of his eyes, in the depths of his words. She wants nothing more than to be right there, believing in it, with him. She knows instinctively that he plans to say those nice things, himself, at her wedding.
And she can't help but hope that he's right.
So, I hope you all enjoyed. Review? Please. Thanks :)
xx- Cor