Author notes: Part of the loosely-connected 'Bite Club' series. Damon and Elena are in an established relationship. This will be a short little chapter fic, maybe three parts long. Rated 'M' for smuttiness, though not for this chapter.

How to Train and Care For Your Vampire

...

"Well, hello Elena."

"Hello yourself."

"You sound cheerful. What are you doing calling me, I thought -?"

"You're not busy, are you? I just wanted to talk to you."

"Oh no, young lady, you have a big exam tomorrow, no talking to your boyfriend on the phone till all hours. In fact, I specifically recall being ordered not to try to see or contact you in any way for these twenty-four hours. Apparently I'm a distraction, though I really can't think why."

"I'm taking a study break. Twenty minutes' worth of leftover pie, internet, and you."

"Glad I'm in there somewhere."

"Well I already finished the pie."

"Charming. So... what are you wearing?"

"Sweats. And my slippers."

"You say sweats and slippers, but I hear thong and stilettos."

"Whatever gets you through the night."

"I can hear you typing. What's the internet got, exactly, that can possibly beat phone sex with me?"

"We weren't going to have phone sex, Damon."

"Way to crush my dreams. Also, way to avoid the question. What are you doing online, Elena?"

"IM-ing with Caroline about the exam tomorrow. Plus a little googling."

"Googling what?"

"Um, can you hold on a minute?"

"While you think up a plausible lie? Sure."

"No, I... Fine, I can't tell you what I'm doing."

"Porn."

"No. Although you're getting warm."

"Not porn, but close to porn, and you won't tell me? That's it, I'm coming over there."

"No! It's a study night, remember? Damon-free zone. Anyway, this is a secret. Sort of a surprise. Listen, if I had something delivered to your place, you'd promise not to open the package when it got there, right?"

"You're killing me here."

"I can't have it sent to my house, Jenna would probably be the one to sign for it and she'd want to know what it was."

"Elena, what are you ordering? It's either illegal or explicit, either way I'm totally scandalised. I love it."

"Promise you won't open it."

"I - fine, I promise."

"Okay, you can expect a delivery within three to five working days."

"I'll be waiting with bated breath. Seriously, though, what is it?"

"You'd think someone your age would have learned to be patient by now."

"Uh-huh, and should someone your age really be ordering sex toys off the internet?"

"Sex toys?"

"I'm just assuming. Questionable medical supplies from Mexico? 'Diet pills' from Eastern Europe? Some of that really weird porn from like Japan? I keep coming back to the porn, don't I?"

"Good night, Damon."

"Wait."

"What?"

"What about the phone sex?"

"My twenty minutes are almost up. That'd be one hell of a quickie."

"I can work with that. You're still wearing that thong, right?"

"Sure. Just sitting here in nothing but a thong, like any normal girl on a Tuesday night while studying for her Chemistry mid-term."

"Now it's a thong and a lab coat. Why is that so hot?"

"Geek chic? I don't know, it's your perverted brain. And since you've got that going on, you really don't need me. Can I go now?"

"Don't you want to know what I'm wearing? Oh, don't sigh. You know you do."

"Fine, let me guess, it's the same thing you always wear? You're not really one for changing it up."

"I... have been known to sport this particular look from time to time, it's true."

"Damon. Are you naked?"

"If I was, would that turn you on? ...I'm going to assume the laughter is because - the thought of my naked body has driven you to hysteria?"

"Thanks, Damon. I think I can actually face another few hours of cramming, now."

"Any time. You know I live to amuse you."

"Good night. And put some pants on!"

"Come over here and make me, why don't you?"

"God, poor Stefan. Good night, Damon."

"Good night, Elena."

...

Stay tuned for part two, in which we will find out just what exactly Elena was googling.