'The Game'

Hello everybody. I wrote this because officer Barbrady is epic, I need some way to vent nerdy stuff, and I was bored. Here you go- enjoy!

I didn't get a lot of things.

In fact, I didn't get most things.

But if there was one thing I really didn't get, it was 'the game'.

You see, the other day, I went to get my usual morning slap round the face in Tweak's coffee shop, and I saw Mr. Tweak was lecturing his freak kid about the importance of something called 'the game'. The spaz panicked and ran away.

I didn't get that kid either.

I asked Mr. Tweak about the game, and he told me: "you're always playing the game, even when you're not playing the game. If you think about the game, you loose the game." Then he gave me that creepy smile and I walked away while he yelled at me about something stupid like 'not paying for his services'.

And now, 'the game' is the biggest thing in South Park since the metro-sexual phase. Everyone was so bothered about it, and it really made no sense. Stupid and pointless.

But I wanted to understand, at least.

Lucky for me, today Mr. Garrison was giving his class a lecture about 'the game', so I thought I would go along and make an excuse about why I was there.

"Hey everybody, I found out my wife was menopausal this morning because she ate too many dry crackers, so I need some fun fun happy time in my good friend Mr. Garrison's class to cheer me up."

Everybody looked at me funny. I was good at excuses. Mine were always believable.

"Ok officer Barbrady, but for the record, I'm not your friend. You disgust me. Ok class, who can tell me what 'the game' is? Anyone? How 'bout you Clyde?"

It was weird to me that about half the class groaned at the mention of 'the game'. I had even heard a few 'shit, I lost the game's. The apparent 'Clyde' looked a little shocked at being chosen to answer.

"Erm… is it that thing Cartman's mum showed me where you snort the white powder off the table?" I heard some fat kid say 'Ay!'.

"No, now can I have an answer from someone who's not a complete retard? Oh, and Eric, I need a word with your mother about forcing her habits onto under age boys again. Anyone? Yes officer Barbrady?"

Yes! He noticed my hand!

"Oh, nothing. I just like the breeze I get when I lift up my arm like this. You see when I do my belt hitches up and my underpants get tighter, so then I get this breeze on my…"

"OFFICER BARBRADY!"

"FUCK!"

"WHAT?"

"Never mind." I said.

Mr. Garrison glared at me and carried on with his lecture. I don't see why he gets angry with me and not that kid that keeps twitching. It really gets me that the kid can't keep still. So I poke his neck.

"GAH!"

"Hey, can I say something?" I ask. He seems like he's contemplating my question, but then he starts to ramble on about government conspiracies, and how police officers are working with crab people. I'm sick of this crap, so I go ahead and say what I wanted.

"STOP TWITCHING YOU FREAK I'M TRYING TO LEARN! GOSH!" I screamed. Then the kid started spazzing on the floor, and everyone started giving me dirty looks. Some kid in a blue hat flipped me off.

So I flipped him off.

He frowned and double flipped me off.

I got pissed and double flipped him off and stuck out my tongue.

He got out his foot, somehow triple flipped me off, and glared at me.

I shot him in the knee caps.

"OFFICER BARBRADY!"

Now there were two spazzing boys on the floor.

"What's going on in here M'kay?" asked the mellow voice of Mr. Mackey. Then he saw the two boys on the floor and dragged them out of the classroom. Maybe they were going to the hospital.

Mr. Garrison looked surprisingly calm. "Now officer Barbrady, it's not nice to shoot people. Then again, I always told Craig, 'if you keep flipping people off, then someday a police officer will shoot you in the knee caps…'" he trailed off, going into a daze.

I liked this class. Everyone was so nice.

Then I saw half an old sandwich under some kid's chair. He didn't notice the sandwich, probably because the green flaps on his hat were in the way. It was a nice hat.

I reached down below his chair, and picked it up. It had a load of weird yellow crap on it, and some fluff, along with some parasites. I was momentarily put off, but then I realised it was tuna. I love tuna.

I began to eat the festering sandwich as Mr. Garrison continued with his lesson. I was beginning to understand 'the game', but the yellow crust on the sandwich, and the fact I think it had a spiders nest inside it was really throwing me off.

"OFFICER BARBRADY!"

Busted.

"Where did you get that sandwich?" asked a very stern Mr. Garrison. Wow, he was much angrier about my sandwich than shooting a kid in the knee caps.

"I found it." I said simply.

"Where?"

"The floor."

"Oh. Well, I would say no eating in class, but you are a police officer." He finished, and then went off track and started to talk about the importance of Cthulu or something.

I got bored and leaned over to the kid in the really nice green hat.

"Hey guess what?" I asked tentatively.

The kid sighed "What?"

"I'm learning." I smiled. He looked away, and I felt a little hurt that he didn't care.

I freaked out when a load of ants crawled out of my sandwich.

I put up my hand. Mr. Garrison looked right at me, and just plain ignored me. This pissed me off.

"Now, can anyone tell me who David Schwimmer is? Oh god, can you actually get it right this time Clyde?" I still couldn't believe he hadn't noticed my hand.

"Is he the one that everyone says is amazing and rules the earth?"

"No dumbass, that's Chuck Norris. Congratulations Clyde, you have officially reached the title of mentally retarded. I hope you're proud of yourself."

"Mr. Garrison, why are you ignoring my hand?" I asked, near to crying.

He just gave me a weird look. "Well sorry officer Barbrady, I thought you only did that for the breeze. Now what did you want to say?" well, it was an honest mistake, so I'd only arrest him for a few years.

"I'm scared because there's ants' living in my floor sandwich."

"Then stop eating it."

The simple solution worried me. I put my hand down and started to cry. Then the kid called Clyde started to cry. Wow, he really was a retard.

We were both ignored as Mr. Garrison carried on about the game.

I noticed a bird outside the window. I smiled because some kid with a shovel was trying to kill it. When he managed it, blood splattered all over the window, and half the class screamed. I understood why he had killed the bird, because a second later, he pulled some dog tags out of its carcass.

After that the class was traumatised and were sent home.

I had to leave, and was not happy about it.

I understood the basic rule that if you thought about the game, you lost the game, but I really didn't see the point in it.

Mr. Garrison had given me some flowers. At first I was flattered, but then he told me they were for the boy I had shot in the knee caps and his spaz friend for me to apologise with. I told him to go fuck himself, but then went to the hospital to apologise anyway.

By the time I got to the hospital, I was feeling a bit funny, so I was glad I was at the hospital.

The nurse directed me to the boys' room.

Then I vomited on her uniform.

Tuna, yellow shit, and a few small spiders flew onto her apron. She ran away screaming, and my tummy felt much better.

I entered thee room and gave them the flowers.

"Sorry…" I mumbled "I was only playing a game…" the only response I got was a "GAH!" and the other kid flipped me off.

The next day, I decided to go along to class again, and apologise for the whole thing.

I stopped at the door, still nervous.

When I knocked and entered, everyone glared at me. I felt really bad.

"Jesus Christ officer Barbrady, do you have to ruin the day two times in a row?" said a very pissed Mr. Garrison.

I sighed and went to stand in front of the desk.

"Everybody listen up." I said, looking around in hope that the boys I had hospitalised were there. I smiled when I saw they were. "I just want to say, I'm sorry. I should not have disrupted your class, and I should not have shot anyone. And I really shouldn't have eaten that sandwich." I stopped. The whole world seemed to pause.

Then Mr. Garrison clapped. Everyone eventually joined in. Even the kid in the blue hat.

"Don't worry officer Barbrady, we don't blame you. We know your not a bastard, your just really, really stupid."

I smiled. I was so happy I could burst! Everyone forgave me, and-

"SHIT!" I yelled.

Everybody just looked shocked, and a little hurt. Oh, right, I really need to explain my outbursts.

"I just lost the game." I explained.

Everybody groaned.

I hope you liked my little one-shot. I felt like I should write this because I once character searched officer Barbrady on here, and it only came up with one story. I was offended. So I wrote this :3

For the reference, the game is a real thing, Chuck Norris does rule the world, and the kid with a shovel was Christophe.