Author's Note: I co-wrote this with my bff byaghro on LJ for the H/D Travel Fair and since we do stuff like this pretty much constantly on IM it was less like writing and more like just chatting to each other. :D We each had certain characters and since we have the same brain and the same writing style, I'll bet you can't tell who was who. This fic is just pure silliness and fun. ENJOY! Dear F F NET - STOP TAKING OUT MY SPACERS.
Ministry Ordered Exile
Dear Hermione,
I hate Kingsley. Just because Malfoy and I had a disagreement in the Atrium last Wednesday and broke a couple of things (including Malfoy's nose and my left pinkie finger) the bastard (Kingsley, not Malfoy) has decided to send us on an enforced "vacation" in order to "work out our differences". The only difference I would like to work out is the one between a breathing Malfoy and a non-breathing one. Honestly, the stupid prat shouldn't even be an Auror! Anyway, I know you don't like to listen to me ranting about Malfoy, so I'll just close now. Oh, we'll be in Finland. At some resort hotel that's supposed to be posh or something. I hope they have insurance. I'll write again once I get there.
Love, Harry
xxXxx
Dear Mother,
I will be in Finland for the next two weeks working on an important Ministry assignment with Potter. If I write to request any items of a certain Dark nature, do NOT send them to me. I do not want to accidentally kill the Saviour in a fit of rage, which I am certain to experience. (Kingsley, if you are monitoring our owls like the conniving bastard I think you are, I didn't mean that literally. Much.)
I hope that you are enjoying your time in France. Perhaps I will join you when I am through here - if spending two weeks trapped with the Golden Prat doesn't send me round the twist.
Love, Draco
xxXxx
Mr Potter and Mr Malfoy,
Welcome to the Heart of Levi Resort and Spa! We hope you find your room to be satisfactory during your stay with us. Please avail yourselves of the brochures provided to fulfil your entertainment and dining needs. Feel free to contact the hotel staff for any assistance you may require. Enjoy your stay!
Sincerely,
The Management and Staff
Heart of Levi Resort and Spa
xxXxx
Kingsley,
You have got to be joking! The hotel manager refuses to give Malfoy and me separate rooms! On your orders, apparently. THERE IS NO WAY I AM SHARING A ROOM WITH DRACO MALFOY FOR TWO WEEKS. I would rather sleep out by the pool on a CHAIR. Call this bloody hotel and straighten this out.
Harry
xxXxx
Harry,
You and Draco are in Finland to learn to work together harmoniously. Living together amicably can be the first step in that direction. Or else.
Kingsley
xxXxx
Dear Minister Shacklebolt,
Auror Potter informs me that the single room for the duration of our stay in Finland was by design and not an inept clerical error. As such, I would like to tender my resignation from the Auror Program, effective immediately.
Sincerely,
Draco Malfoy
xxXxx
Mr Malfoy,
This letter is to inform you that your request for resignation has been denied. You will be expected to return to work with Auror Potter in two weeks. Please enjoy your stay at the Heart of Levi Resort and Spa.
Sincerely,
Amelia Codswollop
Assistant to the Minister for Magic
P.S. Some of us would KILL for a paid vacation, you ungrateful sod.
xxXxx
Pansy,
I have been kidnapped and am being held prisoner. Please send the following provisions:
- Four bars of the French bath soap that I like
- Several boxes of those Belgian chocolates you always get me for Christmas
- Twenty bottles of Ogden's Finest Firewhisky
Much Love,
Draco
xxXxx
Draco,
Stop being a baby. You're at a beautiful resort with the man of your dreams. (Stop glaring. You can lie to yourself all you want, but I've seen you ogling Potter's arse firsthand.)
I'm enclosing your soap and chocolates. You do not need twenty bottles of Firewhisky unless you plan to get Potter drunk and take advantage of him. I heartily encourage this plan; therefore I'm enclosing a bottle of Remy Martin Louis XIII Grande Cognac. Yes, I stole it from Daddy's private stock and I will deny it to the death, so you had better use it wisely.
You will also note the bottle of Lybecker's Lubricious Lusty Lavender Lubricant. I assume you won't need instructions.
Have fun, darling!
Pansy
xxXxx
Malfoy,
Since we are apparently forced to share a room, I plan to spend as little time in it as possible. I'll be at the tennis court until ten and then the pool. I assume you'll be in the spa having your nails done, so I will avoid that area completely.
Have a nice vacation.
Harry
xxXxx
Darling,
I am so proud of your Auror accomplishments. Although I wish you wouldn't speak so poorly of Auror Potter. Our family owes him a great deal and on the occasions that I have spoken to him at Ministry functions, he has been both charming and delightful.
I am enclosing some of that chamomile tea you like, as I know it is difficult to find in parts of Finland. Also, I have met a delightful pastry chef who is keeping me well supplied with the most amazing crepes. He is a treasure.
I look forward to your visit when you complete your assignment.
All My Love,
Mother
xxXxx
Pansy,
More like the man of my nightmares. (And I have never ogled his arse!) We've hardly been here a day and already half the contents of his luggage is strewn across the floor. He is apparently even more of a pig than I originally thought.
Thank you for the soap and cognac and chocolates. Hopefully they will keep me sane. I would say I can't believe you sent me lubricant, but actually I can. Although it won't do me any good. I can't even have a proper wank while I'm here seeing as Kingsley thought it would be a good idea to force us to SHARE A ROOM. Bastard.
And since Kingsley was kind enough to book us at a ski resort in the middle of summer, I won't even be able to hit the slopes while I'm here. Sadistic bastard.
All the best,
Draco
xxXxx
Potter,
While I am sure you are quite fetching in your tennis skirt, you have no fear of running into me on the courts. I intend to spend my vacation RELAXING and the only sweating I'll be doing is in the sauna. I think I will avail myself of the spa, FOR A MASSAGE (not a manicure, you prat).
Also, stay out of my things, Mother and Pansy sent me items to keep me sane and I don't want you pawing through them.
Draco
PS I hope you drown in the pool.
xxXxx
Malfoy,
I have no intention of "pawing" through your things. You've most likely attached some Dark spell to them, anyway. I noticed it took you 23 minutes to line up your toiletries on the counter. Are you always so ridiculously neat? And do you really need six different moisturizers? Try not to melt in the sauna. With all that moistness, you might ooze into the drain. Not that that would be a bad thing.
Harry
PS (No danger of drowning in the pool, sorry. I seem to have forgotten to pack swimming gear.)
xxXxx
Draco,
Merlin, you really are in denial, poor dear. It was cute at first, but now it's getting on my nerves. Don't make me come up there.
Love,
Pansy
xxXxx
Mr Potter and Mr Malfoy,
Thank you for signing up for our Exhibition Quidditch Match! I know our guests will be delighted to watch such esteemed Aurors play against our staff team. Your renown as Quidditch players is well-known, even here in Finland. We have arranged a very brief autograph session after the game. Thank you again for joining us!
Amelia Lehtonen
Events and Entertainment Director
Heart of Levi Resort and Spa
xxXxx
Harry,
Sorry it has taken me so long to reply, Rose is keeping us busy! She's almost sleeping through the night, which is good. I think Ron will be falling asleep in his breakfast if she wakes him up crying one more night. He's always adorably concerned, though (don't tell him I said that).
As for Malfoy, maybe you should TRY to do as Kingsley suggested and learn to get along. Even though he can still be an obnoxious prat, I do think he's grown up quite a bit. Also, they wouldn't have let him in the Auror program if he didn't show some aptitude. Just do your best to make peace with him, yeah?
Enjoy your vacation. Oh, and I'm including some pictures of Rose for you! Isn't she too cute?
Love,
Hermione
xxXxx
Mother,
Thank you for the tea. Hopefully the chamomile will soothe my nerves.
I will take your word for it about Potter being "charming and delightful". Personally, I don't think he could accomplish that with all the magic in the world.
I look forward to meeting this pastry chef of yours. I think I will need a few dozen hazelnut crepes as a reward for surviving this trip. The place we are staying is actually very nice but all of my enjoyment is coloured by close proximity to Saint Potter.
Much Love,
Draco
xxXxx
Pansy,
I am not in denial. Potter is a loud, ridiculous, obnoxious Gryffindor. I am not attracted to him in the least.
Please come up here. Intelligent company would be most welcome.
Sincerely,
Draco
xxXxx
Potter,
Unlike you, I am able to quickly and efficiently find my things. Instead of banging around like an erumpent while some of us are trying to nap. Was it really necessary to slam all of the doors in the room?
If you would like some tips on hygiene and personal grooming, just ask, Potter. I'll be happy to suggest a few products for your skin. Although your hair may be beyond even my help.
No swimming gear? Honestly, who goes to a resort without their swimming gear? You are a disgrace, Potter. Although, I'm sure the hotel management would make an exception and allow the Golden Boy to swim in the nude. I don't think everyone here is an adoring fan yet, swimming in your altogether should fix that.
And what the hell is this Exhibition Quidditch Match nonsense? I didn't sign up for any Quidditch match. With an autograph session? Honestly, Potter, your ego knows no bounds. I refuse to participate in some ridiculous Quidditch match. Especially if we will be playing on the same team!
Draco
xxXxx
Dear Hermione,
Rose is absolutely adorable! Give her a kiss for me. I will be sure to bring back a gift for her. The hotel gift shop has a nice selection of Finnish-themed gifts even for someone her size. I'll bring back something for Ron, also, so he won't pout. I'll be back soon and promise to watch Rose for a night so that you guys can have some personal time.
Love,
Harry
PS (I do not want to talk about Malfoy and his excessive fussiness and insistence on looking model-perfect at all times, even while napping. I was pleased to note that he sleeps with his mouth open and even snores a bit. He's not so perfect, after all.)
xxXxx
Draco,
Salazar no, I will not come up there. It's revolting enough watching you and Potter dance around each other at the stupid Ministry events you drag me to. I refuse to be subjected to it at such a romantic location. The spa does look nice, however, from the brochures. Have you tried the parafango?
Perhaps you should take Potter dancing. Not because you're attracted to him, merciful heaven's no, but think of how mortified the hero would be if you asked. I am laughing already.
Have a good time!
Love,
Pansy
xxXxx
Malfoy,
I was not banging the doors, they automatically shut by themselves and there are only two. And I was trying to be quiet but I was looking for my sunblock. And who naps for six hours a day? Honestly.
I do not need assistance with my personal hygiene, thank you very much. (But that pinkish-tinted stuff smells pretty good. What is it?) I will not be swimming in the nude any time soon—wait, was that a compliment? Yes, it certainly was. You suggested that my swimming in the nude would garner more fans. Thank you, Malfoy. That means a lot, coming from you.
I didn't know anything about the bloody Quidditch match! I spoke to Amelia Lehtonen and apparently it was arranged through Kingsley. I swear to Merlin that man will pay when I get back. If I survive this. I tried to cancel but Amelia must have been born into whatever passes for Slytherin in this country. She was holding an adorable little boy who kept distracting me with questions about Quidditch and before I knew it I was agreeing to everything. Fuck, why am I such a pushover for children? Rose is going to be spoiled sick.
So, anyway, the match is still on. I plan to ride you into the ground. Just so you know.
Harry
xxXxx
Pansy,
So nice to know you'll come to my rescue in my time of need. Potter and I do not dance around each other, we usually just punch each other in the face. Mostly because he is too barbaric to fight with spells like a proper wizard.
I'm scheduled for an in-room massage later today and the parafango tomorrow. And the sauna is divine! Small favours, all things considered.
Do not think for a moment that I will be fooled by your wiles. I most certainly will NOT ask Potter to go dancing as it will likely end up in bloodshed.
Yours,
Draco
xxXxx
Dear Harry,
I'm sure Rose will enjoy anything her Uncle Harry gives her. I'm sure Ron will enjoy anything you bring him as well, especially if it is garishly orange.
We will definitely take you up on the babysitting offer! I think we could both do with a few hours that don't involve colic or soiled nappies.
I would make a comment on the fact that you were observing Malfoy so closely while he slept but you've already heard my opinion on that matter. Do try and examine where this desire to watch him so closely comes from, please?
Much love,
Hermione
xxXxx
Potter and Malfoy,
You will play in the match at the resort or I will take the expenses from this trip from your pay.
Kingsley
xxXxx
Darling Draco,
Do try and get along with Auror Potter, you might even find you have quite a bit in common. Perhaps when you are done with your current assignment you could bring him here to France. Pierre would love to meet you both and I'm sure you could both do with a vacation.
Don't work too hard.
Yours,
Mother
xxXxx
Potter,
I was only napping for two hours, thank you. Also, I have an in-room massage scheduled for this afternoon. Please make yourself scarce.
You've been sniffing my lotions? Merlin. The "pinkish-tinted stuff" is a very expensive, very rare hand cream. Very few people even know how to brew it. Naturally, I am one of those people. Although if you use it all, you will be buying the ingredients for me to make more.
I certainly was NOT complimenting you. Prat. I was just stating that your ego is probably withering away from not being fawned over every second of every day and that only a desperate bid for attention would save you from fading into obscurity.
I can't believe you can't have a five minute conversation without being distracted by small children and kittens. Honestly. Unfortunately for us, I, too, spoke with Ms Lehtonen and, as I'm sure you saw, Kingsley signed some sort of agreement that said we would play in the match for a discounted rate on our room.
While I would be perfectly happy to pay for the room, Ms Lehtonen was definitely a Slytherin as she won't allow it. To make matters worse, we are to play as Chasers so as to not give our team an "unfair advantage". I begged her to let me play Beater but she was somehow under the impression that I might attack you instead of the other players. I have no idea why.
Draco
PS (What was that about riding me into the ground? No one will be riding anyone on this vacation however, I assure you, Potter, if either of us was going to "ride" the other, it would be me riding you. Although I am impressed that you even have the ability to make sexual innuendos. You must be really tired of your hand to be making them at me.)
xxXxx
Malfoy,
That was NOT a sexual innuendo! You have the gall to talk about MY ego when yours could contain the whole of Europe? And I wasn't sniffing your bloody lotions and hand cream. I just happened to catch a whiff of the fragrance as I walked by. But since you're offering, I'll buy you the ingredients to make some for me. I do like it.
I would prefer to fade into obscurity. Trust me on that.
I don't mind Chasing. Try to keep up.
Harry
PS (You are such a bottom it's not even a question.)
xxXxx
Draco darling,
It will end in bloodshed? I doubt that. It will end up in the bedroom, more likely. Why don't you just try snogging him? You might be pleasantly surprised.
Love,
Pansy
PS (Do bring me back some of that Finnish massage oil.)
xxXxx
Kingsley,
I hate you.
Harry Potter
xxXxx
Potter,
It's not ego if it's true. And the scent you liked was vanilla mint. If you buy the ingredients I might be persuaded to brew some for you. If you ask nicely.
Potter, you couldn't be a janitor at Fortescue's and manage to fade into obscurity. Just accept it.
I think it will be an issue of YOU keeping up with ME. I'll be flying circles around you.
Draco
PS (There is not enough Firewhiskey in the world to convince me to bottom for anyone. Especially you.)
xxXxx
Pansy,
What do you have against me that you keep suggesting these insane schemes? Schemes that will end with me in Azkaban for killing Potter, or vice versa.
I will bring your massage oil.
Yours,
Draco
xxXxx
Potter,
As long as you and Malfoy get along by the time you come back, I don't care how you feel about me.
Kingsley
xxXxx
Malfoy,
Vanilla mint. Brilliant. If you leave me the ingredient list, I'll place the order as soon as we get back. If you don't mind. Please.
Can I use some of yours in the meantime?
I can't believe you actually made me laugh. Do you feel the world coming to an end?
You're not supposed to fly circles around ME, you're supposed to fly circles around the PITCH. Do I need to explain the rules of Quidditch? (Look there, the world isn't ending. And I feel better now.)
Harry
PS (Damn, I'll cancel that Firewhiskey order immediately. How about cognac? Brandy? Gin? Champagne?)
PPS (I saw the way you handled that loud homophobic arsehole outside the spa garden this morning. It was hot impressive. Well done.)
PPPS (See you on the pitch!)
xxXxx
Draco,
If you use some of that charm of yours on Potter instead of acting like a complete prat around him, he could be eating out of your hand. Literally.
Think about it.
Thank you, darling! Blaise says hi. (Actually, he says "Fuck off and have fun fucking Potter" but he means hi.)
Love,
Pansy
xxXxx
Pansy,
Actually, the thought of Potter eating out of my hand is rather enticing. Strawberries perhaps, covered in cream. Hmm...
Tell Blaise I said "Ditto." Except for the Potter bit. I don't share.
Love,
Draco
xxXxx
Potter,
Did you actually say please? To ME? You're right, the world is ending.
I can't believe I'm saying this but... yes, you can use my hand cream. As long as you use it sparingly.
Oh look, you're back to being a bastard. Things feel much more normal now.
Alright, you can't deny that the Firewhiskey comment was flirting. You're flirting with me, Potter. However, Pansy actually sent me an exceptionally expensive bottle of cognac (not that you'd know a good cognac if it came up and bit you on the arse) if you'd like to share a drink after this farce of a Quidditch game.
The idiot outside of the spa was obnoxious. I almost went back for another massage after having to deal with him. Some people are pathetically close-minded. Also, I can't believe you complimented me. The world feels like it is ending again.
Yes, see you on the pitch.
Draco
xxXxx
Draco,
Congratulations on finally disposing of your denial. It was getting tiresome. I am curious, however, as to what prompted it. Details, darling! Blaise says if Potter was his type he would have had him at Hogwarts instead of arsing around for years.
Don't Crucio the messenger.
Love,
Pansy
xxXxx
Malfoy,
Good game, yeah? Bloody hell, it's been awhile since I've played Quidditch! I can't believe we won. I nearly dislocated my hip on the last goal when that burly Beater almost took off my head. How are the massage services here? I think I need one.
Nice ball handling out there, by the way. Your flying skills haven't diminished a bit. And yes, that was a compliment. Again. And I am definitely flirting with you. I had no idea you'd be amenable to that or I would have started years ago.
Cognac sounds brilliant. But not as brilliant as a massage. I had to take the lift instead of the stairs. I feel like an invalid. And I can't until I meet with the Finnish delegate, as Kingsley demanded. I am really not liking him. Kingsley, I mean, not the delegate. I haven't met him yet. On my way there now. How did you escape this duty? The bloody mosquitoes are eating me alive.
Harry
xxXxx
Potter,
I thought I was still in shape but apparently not. Quidditch obviously needs to be added to the Auror workout regime. I haven't been this sore since our first week of training.
Thank you for the compliment. Again. I am shocked. You were pretty brilliant yourself out there. I suppose I can admit I've always enjoyed watching you fly. Except when you were beating me to the Snitch.
YEARS ago? Are we talking "since Hogwarts" years ago or "since Auror training" years ago?
Their massage services are not bad, but mine are better. What do you say we have a glass of cognac and I'll give you one after my shower?
Draco
PS I escaped that duty because I am clever, and Kingsley doesn't trust me with diplomatic situations.
xxXxx
Pansy,
I don't kiss and tell. Mostly because we haven't kissed - YET.
Tell Blaise to keep his filthy hands to himself.
Love,
Draco
xxXxx
Malfoy,
I don't feel so bad now that I know you're feeling the pain, too. I'll definitely ask Kingsley to add Quidditch to the training regime. In fact, we should have Interdepartmental teams. Why don't we?
I will have to say "since Voldemort's defeat" years, because you were a dreadful prat at Hogwarts. Gorgeous, but a prat.
You are offering expensive cognac and a massage? I would be an idiot to refuse either. (Despite what you think, I'm not an idiot.) What time is good for you?
Harry
PS (If your massage skills are up to par, I'll buy us both dinner.)
xxXxx
Draco,
Sure you don't. I'll wait for the Pensive memory when you return.
Pansy
xxXxx
Potter,
We probably don't have Interdepartmental teams because some of our departments are hopeless (Improper Use of Magic office) and some are just plain creepy (Unspeakables). But Auror Quidditch games might be enjoyable from time to time.
I might admit I was not my usual charming self where you were concerned at Hogwarts. However, you weren't exactly a ray of sunshine either.
I see your idiocy comes and goes. I am glad you're having a lucid day today then.
My shower should take about forty-five minutes so... 7:30? Unless you'd like to join me in said shower? Then probably closer to 9:00.
If my massage skills are up to par (and they are) you'd better have ordered room service ahead of time because you won't be able to move.
Draco
xxXxx
Malfoy,
Sorry for not being more gracious and friendly at Hogwarts. It's difficult with an undead madman plotting to kill you every moment.
A lucid day? Thank you for that. I would attempt a worthy comeback but I'm afraid your offer of a dual shower has destroyed all rational thought.
Unless you are joking. In case you're not joking, I'll be there at 7:30. With dinner. Please don't be joking.
Harry
PS (I'm not even sure the Auror Department could field a decent Quidditch team. Ron and Dean can fly, but Harris couldn't stay on a broom if his life depended on it. Perhaps we should just try one-on-one Seeker games?)
PPS (I can't wait to experience your massage skills. And other skills.)
xxXxx
Potter,
The shower and I are waiting. Hurry.
Draco
xxXxx
Draco, Malfoy,
In case you wake up before I get back, I just stepped out to fetch some proper coffee and breakfast. I think we're going to need it, especially since we sort of skipped dinner. You still owe me a massage, as well, although your soaping-up talents are prodigious. I'm not sure I can manage on my own. Perhaps another shower will be in order after my massage?
Thank you for I want you to know Fuck, you're gorgeous.
Anyway, I'll be right back. I hope you're still in bed. I promise to make it worth your while if you are...
Harry
xxXxx
Potter,
Thank you for the note letting me know where you were. If you had run out without a word I might have been forced to throw your belongings in the pool.
Breakfast sounds divine. If you can track down a dark cherry mocha and some decent scones, I will let you find out if that hand cream you like so much is edible.
I intend to demonstrate my massage skills when you return, as well as a re-visitation of my soaping-up abilities as you called them. Both of those are definitely in order.
Again, hurry. I shall be languishing away in the bed, nude, possibly wanking, until you return.
Draco
xxXxx
Pansy,
Why did I not do Potter this years ago? I think I'll work on making up for lost time now. See you in a month or so.
Love,
Draco
xxXxx
Draco,
I'm hurrying! It's taking them some time to locate your beverage syrup. Also, the hotel manager asks that you refrain from using the maids as couriers. And also from opening the door in the altogether to shout at them while requesting messenger services.
If you're wanking, please try to hold off on the finale until I get there. I would love to watch. And help.
You're about to get a vanilla mocha because this is taking too long.
Harry
PS (I'm sending this note by maid-courier because she graciously offered to wait for a reply. Please note that I'm the jealous type. I'd hate to have to kill her.)
xxXxx
Kingsley,
Malfoy and I are getting on much better. I suppose this was a good idea after all, therefore we've decided to extend it for another few weeks in the interest of departmental cooperation. Don't bother to owl. We'll be far too busy cooperating to reply.
Harry
xxXxx
Draco,
Finally, it's about time. Wait, a MONTH?
I hope you both survive.
Cheers!
Pansy
xxXxx
Mother,
You were, as always, right. It took a few days but Potter Harry and I are getting along MUCH better.
We will be in Finland for a few more weeks but I promise we'll stop by your villa on France on our way home.
Love,
Draco
xxXxx
Parkinson,
Mission accomplished. I was certain they would kill each other but you were right. Enclosed please find your Canons season tickets, as promised.
Kingsley Shacklebolt
Minister for Magic
~~END~~