Disclaimer: I don't own Glee

A/N/Warning-ish: so just saying right now that I really do love Puck, I just didn't expect this chapter to…suddenly turn tail and assault him. It's nothing too bad I think. Figured I just say something in case some Puck fans out there feel the need to shoot me X.X Also, not entirely sure how I feel about this chapter, I've looked it over six million times and kept changing things, hopefully this isn't too…IDK blah? lol

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Chapter Eighteen

Decisions

…

Just as quickly as it had blown up, it ended. Probably because Finn jumped in and easily tore Kurt away from Puck. There was much yelling, words Finn couldn't really comprehend because all his mind was stuck on was the look of absolute fury on Kurt's face. A fury he couldn't understand, nor was he sure he wanted to.

Now they were alone and in one of the nearest bathrooms with Kurt sitting on the toilet and him cleaning up his wounds. His face came out more bloodied up than Finn was comfortable with, and he jerked whenever the other boy winced from fresh cuts coming in contact with alcohol.

Puck hadn't fared any well either. By the end of the fight he was sporting a black eye, something that looked disturbingly like a footprint on the side of his face, and a hell of a bloody nose.

So much damage. From the least likely person in the world.

Why would he do this? Kurt wasn't the type to throw punches. He wasn't the type to remain quiet about his explosion either, being the person to continue babbling about whatever made him so mad. Now he was silent, glaring into space and grumpily letting Finn clean him up.

There was guilt there too. Finn didn't have to guess why the countertenor was feeling remorse.

"What happened?" Rachel demanded angrily when they had all gathered outside to separate the brawling boys. She glared icily at the two bruised up boys, locks of hair billowing across her face angrily. The screaming died away. The cries of alarm quieted as well. If it was one place that was a no fighting zone, it was definitely Rachel's house. Puck and Kurt relaxed under the arms of their friends, the fight gone out of them at the presence of their captain. The brunette looked from Kurt to Puck, eyes flashing with rage. Everyone had seen her pissed before, but not like this, and this time she had good reason to be angry and not because she lost a solo to a teammate. Two of her friends just broke into a fight in her house. No one said anything. The silence was enough to suffocate them with anticipation.

"Nothing," Puck muttered, shaking Mike off him. With the look Rachel was sending him, Finn feared that maybe she was going to have a go at Puck too.

"I set this meeting up to fix our problems," she said heatedly, tiny hands balled into fists, "We need to be a team again – a team! I give you guys a ten minute break and you're suddenly fighting? With Kurt?" She whipped her head around to said boy, betrayed. Kurt looked away, now more guilty than angry. "What the hell is going on?" she waved her hands at the two, "are we just going to fall apart like this? Let whatever this is eat us up? What the hell is wrong with us!"

Everyone winced. Rachel's scream echoing throughout the neighborhood. Still no one said anything, no one made a half hearted jab for her crap preaching, or argue that she was being a drama queen again

Because she said 'us' that time.

She included herself as a problem.

She wasn't worried about herself. She was worried about them.

That struck them more than anything.

Rachel didn't give them chance to respond. Eyes brimming, she stormed back inside the house, Quinn chasing after her.

And now here Finn and Kurt were, in a too happy bathroom with potpourri and daisies. Decorations all made by Rachel most likely. Her parents may be gay, but Finn met them a few times, they were the least stereotypical gays he'd ever met.

As he busied himself with cleaning Kurt up, the quiet teen watched him closely.

The fight may have startled Finn, but it didn't stop him from blushing at their close proximity, or keep his hands from trembling. He knew that look better than anyone, and he would have been ecstatic if it weren't for what Puck said earlier.

"I've known him longer than you; I've seen him in relationships. He's going to make you miserable."

Kurt turned his head away, feeling a little nauseous at the tanned boy's words. Finn paused briefly, afraid that he'd done something wrong, but since Kurt made no other move to push him away, he re-soaked his wad of tissue paper and went back to wiping away blood.

He wanted to ask what happened, but that irrational part inside him was too afraid to. The image of Kurt's small fists hitting his ex-best friend replaying over and over again like a nightmarish broken record player. His beautiful face twisted up in a mask of wrath so fresh in his mind. Rolling in the snow, unaware of how he was ruining his well cared for clothes.

That wasn't Kurt.

He bit his lip to keep from asking. He probably might not like what he'd say if it made Kurt lose his mind enough to physically hurt someone.

Kurt flexed his fingers, warming up from the numbing cold that came with fighting in the snow, cracking a few knuckles in the process. A part of him still wanted to continue beating the crap out of Puck. Another, now clarified with the warmth and quiet of the bathroom, was horrified he'd snapped so easily. Puck had never gotten under his skin as he did just then. Even when he bullied him, he never provoked him so badly before. He was actually getting along with him in glee, and they both never talked about the stunt they pulled just before vacation.

He couldn't keep his eyes off him for too long. Kurt looked back at Finn as he gently swathed his cuts with the reddening toilet paper. Aside from the disgust of seeing his own blood soaking up paper, Kurt could see the faint blush on Finn's cheeks turn brighter.

He was pointedly keeping his eyes focused on his work.

It meant he knew Kurt was watching, and he was silently praying that he wouldn't mess up and look like an idiot. He was breathing a little more quickly too. Kurt was pretty sure the taller boy's heart was pounding.

"I've seen the way he looks at you."

Kurt looked away again, Pucks previous words still echoing in his head. There was no use in denying it anymore, or taking Mercedes's assumptions as 'maybe's. He knew the look painting Finn's face because he mirrored it once too. He could remember being so close to Finn, trying to keep from slipping out hopeless 'I love you's', masking his face with disinterest, yet unable to hide a flush or the slightest swoon.

And it was all over Finn's face. He could feel his fingers trembling against his skin at the briefest moment of contact. The one too many gulps he tried to keep undetected from him. The unconscious way he inched closer and closer.

Kurt grabbed Finn's hand to stop him. They made eye contact for a second until Finn quickly backed away by getting more toilet paper. Kurt shut his eyes and slumped his shoulders, suddenly feeling very tired.

"I've known him longer than you; I've seen him in relationships. He's going to make you miserable."

That line continued to repeat in his head. It was starting to make him angry again.

Finn pulled out a box of bandages from under the sink. Kurt stiffened when he started covering some of his bigger cuts. The blood made it seem like the wounds were pretty bad, but the cuts were shallow, the only really bad one being a split lip. Once cleaned up, Kurt was starting to look a bit more like himself.

Kurt wondered how badly he marred Finn's image of him. No one had ever seen him lose it. Rachel was probably going to drill him into telling him exactly what happened between him and Puck. The problem was there wasn't much to tell, nor any justifiable excuse for him to start a fight.

Any other time he would have brushed Puck's comments off, say something snippy and walk away.

But not after what happened yesterday.

Not after saying the same thing that Puck told him today.

"Finn doesn't function unless he's with someone, and when he's with someone he's not smart enough to keep them, they'll always leave him for someone else, he doesn't care about them, the only thing he wants is for them to care about him."

Kurt didn't put it in those exact words, but it made the guilt from yesterday double. He had never seen Finn break down. It was unnerving and terrifying at the same time. He used to think of Finn as a kind of hero with no flaws, and even if he did have some, they were endearing.

It pissed him off that Puck could say such a thing about Finn. But it pissed him off even more that he secretly agreed.

"He's never going to get any better, its Finn, he's too stupid to figure out his problems."

Then Kurt saw red.

"And you're not? Letting Santana order you around and seduce me in front of everyone?"

"Will you give that up? I made a mistake, I'm sorry, what else do you want me to do?"

"I don't know, you're suddenly being a good friend and warning me to stay away from Finn? You're not a saint either, Puck, you've slept with half the town and you've never given a shit about who they were – and you may have stopped tossing me in dumpsters, but you don't approach people like me unless you've got something in it for yourself. What do you want? Had a taste of this and now you want more?"

Puck had grabbed his arm then. Kurt could still feel his fingers bruising into his skin. "Don't mess with me, man. I told you before, I can go back to dumpsters and slushies."

"And once again you turn to violence when you don't have anything else up your sleeve, you're intelligence is showing."

"I'm serious"

"So am I. What the hell do you want from me?"

By the time things were getting heated, a few of the others joined them in the yard. Nothing happened enough for them to notice just yet. Him and Puck were in a corner, talking under their breaths. It actually wouldn't have blown up as badly as it did because when Puck didn't answer, Kurt had started to walk away.

But then Puck grabbed his arm and pulled him close.

And he kissed him.

Strangely, Kurt wasn't surprised. They may have not talked after their 'break up', but when they were together, if anyone could even call it that, Pucks gazes were lingering more and more.

There was no love in those eyes, but he knew. He knew Puck wanted him.

And it pissed him off.

Puck was everything Kurt didn't want. He took everything that was in his path, even if it wasn't his then tossed it aside after the satisfaction of acquiring it died away. He may have been right about Finn, but he played a huge role in that problem.

So Kurt did the only thing he could think of while being wrapped in the boys' muscular arms with his lips against his. He kicked his knee up and hit something very precious.

And that's when the yelling started.

Kurt watched Finn apply the first bandage under his cheek. His blush was starting to turn brighter. It was saddening and infuriating at the same time. Kurt's gut twisted. He hated to admit it, even in the privacy of his own mind. But he pitied Finn. He knew what he was going through, and he could sympathize. But this was…depressing.

He just got into a fight with a guy twice his size, and Finn was tending to his wounds blushing like a schoolgirl. Kurt wondered if he was really this bad when he was hopelessly in love with him. Feelings may have resurfaced, but they weren't as strong as they used to be. He knew Finn now. He wasn't the knight in shining armor he romanticized him as; he was a bumbling idiot who cared more for where he stood in the social ladder.

And more than anything, if Finn really did love him as much as Mercedes said he was. And if his and Puck's assumptions of him were right, then he had to make a hard decision.

"I didn't mean…for all that to happen yesterday," he said quietly, voice cracking from all the earlier screaming. Finn paused briefly. Kurt continued staring at the spot below his shoulder. "I just wanted to talk I…I didn't know."

"It's okay," Finn mumbled, ducking his head in embarrassment, "I didn't mean to go all emo on you either. Forget that ever happened."

"I didn't mean what I said," Kurt sighed heavily, eyes shutting tiredly, "you're suddenly gay and with Sam…it's just so out of nowhere…I didn't mean for it to come out that way, I know you've had bad relationships – I just didn't want to see you get hurt…it's…it's just become a pattern with you…"

"I know." Finn busied himself with the next bandage, focusing on the scratches marring porcelain skin, "but you're right. I suck at relationships," he smiled bitterly, "I just…I want…" no he couldn't say it. He couldn't be pathetic and say it. Not to Kurt.

"You just want someone to love you," Kurt muttered, "I know."

He shut his eyes.

Fuck.

The knot in his throat made its nasty appearance. Demanding release. His hands were shaking, barely getting the bandage on the right spot.

Breathe.

Think of something happy. Something stupid. Something funny.

Anything that could take his mind off the awful loneliness he was unwillingly baring to Kurt. Anything to keep him off the pain that ate at him. Kurt watched him closely, catching every little twitch he made.

"You can't throw yourself at the first person you see," Kurt said gently, taking his hands in his. He was looking at him now, the sad, but caring look in his eyes piercing him. Shit.

"I know," he whispered. He pried his hands out of Kurt's, forcing himself to ignore the pang at the loss of contact that left him feeling a little dizzy. He rubbed his face roughly and let out a gust of air he hadn't realized he'd been holding. Was he really that bad? Did he really throw himself to anyone who'd show him the slightest interest? Damn, he really sucked.

Kurt steeled himself, knowing this would probably upset Finn more, but it needed to be said. He needed to understand. "You need to have some time to figure yourself out, Finn." His heart ached at the broken look that crossed Finn's face as he looked anywhere but at him. Biting back words of comfort, Kurt continued firmly. "I know how you feel about me," Finn stiffened, he leaned against the sink and seemed so much smaller. "But...nothing can come out of it if we get into a relationship at this point. You need to learn to love yourself before you can be with someone."

The knot was too big to let him speak. All he could do was nod; face scrunching up in the effort to not burst into tears. He couldn't stay here anymore. The bathroom was suddenly too small to both occupy him and Kurt. He felt like such an idiot. A big fucking idiot.

Damnit.

And he was right.

Kurt watched apprehensively as the taller teen struggled to keep from crying. He was starting to regret ever saying anything. Maybe he was too strong in his approach. Finn was sensitive to these types of topics; he should have said something more encouraging.

"Um…" Finn sniffled, clearing his throat and keeping his gaze away from Kurt. "When you…you had that crush on me…was it…" his lip was starting to tremble. He cleared his throat again, and forced himself to relax, "was it…the idea of me or for just…me?"

Kurt froze, eyes wide in panic. It felt like an eternity passed with Finn waiting anxiously for his answer. He wanted to reply, but after everything he said, he wasn't sure how it would affect Finn. Staying quiet wouldn't make anything better either, not with the way Finn was looking more and more closer to crying again.

"I…" Kurt started, nervously picking at the hem of his wrecked shirt, "I loved everything about you," he said tightly, "but…as much as it would be nice to…" he stopped short. No, he couldn't be selfish. "Don't ask this from me. Please."

Finn nodded, looking away from Kurt. He was about to say more, but Finn cleared his throat again, "it's fine," he said hollowly, "I…missed my chance. I don't think I would have been good for you anyway – "

"That's not what I – "

"That came out wrong," he rubbed his face again, "I meant…" he laughed, "I don't know what I meant. I'm sorry." He pushed himself off the sink and left the bathroom. A few seconds later there was the distinct slam of the front door shutting.

Kurt was planted to the toilet, unable to find the strength to chase after Finn. He wasn't sure how long he'd been sitting there until Mercedes finally slipped in and shut the door pointedly. He looked up at her tiredly, the little movements emitting pain all over his body. Apparently his fight with Puck was rougher than he thought.

"You mind telling me what happened out there?" his best friend asked not unkindly, but not gently either. He scoffed and shook his head.

"Puck just got to me, that's all," he replied emptily. Mercedes arched a brow, crossing her arms over her chest in that sassy way that told Kurt that she wanted more of an answer than that. Of course. He licked the cut on his lip, eye-watering pain shooting through his face at the small movement. "He talked about Finn," he ran a hand through his tussled hair, having no energy to care how messed up it was, "he's been watching me…he knows I still have feelings for Finn and…" he wanted to laugh, of all the ways for this to blow up; he didn't expect it to be like this. Puck never came into the equation until now. "He said I had a chance, but I'd be miserable anyway…he said so many things about Finn that I just got so angry…"

"What did he say?" Mercedes asked softly, leaning against the sink. The very spot Finn was on not just a few minutes ago. Kurt tried not to think about the disappointment in his face.

He laughed; it was so dry and bitter that he almost couldn't consider it a laugh. "You know, if I hadn't talked to Finn yesterday, I'd call bull to everything Puck said…I have a chance, Mercedes," he ended in a whisper, "I wasn't going to ruin it this time with poor planning and manipulation from others…"

Mercedes frowned, "But…?"

"But Puck's right," Kurt murmured more to himself, "as ready as I think I am to go into a relationship. Finn isn't. It's not knee jerk homophobia or the fear of getting caught…he just isn't ready. I don't know if he'll ever be. Not with me."

"I don't…" Mercedes looked at her friend uncertainly, "did white boy ask you out?"

"No. He…asked if my crush on him was serious or not, that he lost his chance, that he wouldn't have been good for me…I think that pretty much explains everything in big neon letters," he shut his eyes, leaning back against the toilet tank. He hated his life so much right now.

"I was right," she sounded anything, but triumphant. "And you turned him down?"

"I had to."

"Screw what Puck said!" she snapped, slapping a hand on the sink angrily. "Finn just gave you an opening and you pushed him away! What is wrong with you, boy?"

"Everything Puck said is true!" Kurt argued back, "I live with Finn, okay? I know exactly how our relationship will turn out if we ever get together. All of his relationships failed and it's affected him, his confidence is shot. What he needs to time to himself to recover."

"Honey, even you know that's not how he works – "

"Well, he needs to learn how to be his own person!" he snapped.

"How's he ever going to do that by himself – it's Finn! What he needs is someone to give him direction – someone to show him that he's loved!"

"Mercedes – "

"He's not like you," Kurt scowled at this, "he needs you."

"As a friend – "

"He's got plenty of friends," she hissed, swinging her hand and slapping her hip in frustration, "he's not the best with relationships, fine, but you can help him learn – "

"I'm not going to teach him how to cater to me or how to send me flowers and treat me like a god, I want him to do that on his own – "

"But – "

"I don't want him to forget me!" he yelled, cheeks red. Mercedes blinked at him, not expecting the explosion. "Did you see what happened with Quinn? He loved, her, but he didn't see that she cheated on him with Puck, he loved Rachel, but he never knew until the end that she was with Quinn. He's going to do the same to me!" He looked up at his friend pleadingly, "what if I end up looking for someone else once he start's ignoring me?"

Mercedes's frown softened. "And you're going to let Puck convince you that Finn's hopeless? Honey, I know I don't have much experience in relationships, but even I know that it's not going to be paradise on its own. You have to work at it."

"I'm not saying that I want Finn to be the perfect boyfriend," Kurt sighed, burying his face in his hands. "But look at what's happened to him, jumping from one relationship to the other? What if he's clingy or – "

"Kurt," Mercedes cut in with finality, "you're panicking for no reason, he wants you, we've been over this before, you want me to spell it out for you? And you're not going to cheat on Finn, you kind of already did that with Puck and look at how that turned out."

Kurt shook his head. His best friend's words battling with Puck's. It shouldn't have been much of a battle. Puck told him all those things because he was after something, yet at the same time, he wasn't completely wrong. Mercedes was approaching this with his best interest at heart and weeks worth of observation and theories under her belt, and she wasn't completely wrong in them either. One said Finn was terrible for him. The other said that would never be the case.

He had no idea what to think anymore.

"I'm terrified," he whispered before he could stop himself. He was so comfortable with loving Finn from afar. He may have slipped and tried to make his dream a reality, but in his heart he knew what he wanted could never be real. Finn was a fantasy, something that put a smile to his face when nothing else could.

Now, after settling into the idea that one day Finn might be his stepbrother, and if not, just a really good friend, he had to go and break the barrier and return his feelings.

Now with Puck and Mercedes whispering things on either side of his shoulders, all he wanted to do was walk into a corner and stay there until his brain decided to work again.

"Did I do the wrong thing?" he asked, turning to his friend helplessly.

She offered him a pitying smile, opening the door behind her. "He hasn't driven off yet, maybe you can catch him."

Kurt looked at the hallway leading out to the kitchen; the emptiness giving the impression that everyone left. He stood up and nearly fell over from the ache in his legs and the stiffness of his back. Mercedes righted him up. After sitting down so long with the tension of the fight and being in the same room as Finn, he wasn't surprised to feel a few bones crack.

Giving his friend a nod, he left the bathroom and snuck through the kitchen and past the living room. Rachel was still around, and probably still pissed at him, he didn't want to come across her and get another earful.

Thankfully no one was in the living room. With the muffled noises coming from the basement door it was easy to assume everyone had gone back downstairs. They were probably waiting for him.

He opened the front door and was met with unforgiving wind blowing past his bruised up face. His cut lip tingled.

Squinting through the blinding snow covered street, he jumped in surprise when he came face to face with Finn standing in the snow a few feet from the door. His eyes were red and puffy, but there were no tears on his cheeks.

"Uh…" Finn stuffed his reddened hands in his pockets, "is Rachel waiting?"

Kurt's breath caught in his throat. This was it. His chance. He could take it and risk getting hurt, or leave it and be tormented by the what if's.

"The fight was about you," he blurted out, immediately cursing himself right after. Finn blinked. The sadness from his eyes momentarily replaced with surprise and confusion. "He…he made some assumptions and I believed him…I still do, actually."

"What?" he was too confused to be upset now. Kurt was making no sense.

"I-it's not important, I just…I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…I'm just so confused and…fuck," he mumbled, stumbling all over himself. Finn remained quiet, trying to make sense of what he was trying to say. "Do you…" his throat tightened up, he tried to clear it away, but it only tightened further. His vision was starting to blur. "Do you love me?"

"Yes."

Kurt barely held back jumping in surprise at the immediate answer. The sincerity in Finn's eyes so genuine that he became overwhelmed and looked down at the pure white snow. He couldn't stop the hysterical giggle, and ducked his head further to hide his blushing face.

"Kurt?"

Wiping his eyes, he braved himself to look up. Finn's face was flushed, pink from the cold. There were tears in his eyes again, but he didn't fight them off this time. He was afraid, but there was some hope in his eyes. It wasn't entirely depressing, and it was refreshing to see something other than sadness.

"I-I…" he swallowed thickly. He could do this. Finn already said it, now it was his turn. "I…" But it was stuck in his throat, driven by terror of the unknown future. Why was this happening to him now?

"Kurt, I know I screwed up," Finn said, breaking his inner struggle, "I'm probably going to screw up again, but…please. Give me a chance. I'll try to be a better person, I'll do anything – "

"I know you will," Kurt cut in tearfully, "you always try your best, I just don't want to screw you over either." He gasped. In two strides Finn was a hair from pressing flush against him, his hands on either side of his face, searching through his eyes as if asking them for an answer. Kurt held his breath, the warmth of Finn's hands sending flutters to his heart.

Their foreheads met, hot breath ghosting over each other's faces. Finn shut his eyes, a few more tears leaking out as a he smiled the first real smile in a long time. Kurt shuddered, unable to do anything but melt into Finn's arms as he held him close.

The tips of their noses brushed. Kurt breathed deeply, the sweet smell of Finn mingled with winter intoxicating. With trembling hands, he wrapped his arms around him, his warmth washing over him like a blanket. Their cheeks brushed, lips ghosted over shut eyelids.

Kurt knew they looked ridiculous, standing in the snow and rubbing their faces like a bunch of animals. But it felt amazing.

Beyond amazing.

He was in the arms of the boy he loved from afar. He was in heaven.

Kurt sucked in a breath when cold lips brushed over his.

This was happening. This was really happening.

Licking his lips in anticipation, he sighed happily against Finn and dived in.