Summary: (AU) Cal Lightman and James Ford wake up on a foreign pirate ship, piloted by none other than Gillian Foster and Juliet Burke. This is a smutty adventure comedy, all in the spirit of fun. THEY'RE F*CKING PIRATES, OKAY? JUST READ IT AND YOU'LL UNDERSTAND. :D

Rated M for language, strong innuendo and lots of smut (both femmeslash and het).

Pairings: Gillian/Juliet, Suliet, Callian, implied Gillian/Eli/Juliet

Spoilers: Watch Pirates of the Caribbean. Take out most of the plot, add smut. There, the story is now spoiled. Neither of the shows will be though, since they're pirates in this. Sexy, sexy pirates. Ahem.

Other notes: I'm aware that a big ol' pirate ship probably needs more than three people to sail it, especially when two of those people mostly just sit around doing nothing all day. That's why I live in the land of make believe. Please, kick back and enjoy the silliness :)

Yo Ho!

Chapter 1: What A Pair

Cal awoke to the sound of gulls in the sky. It was a familiar sound, Cal being a pirate and all, but as he came to, he realized he wasn't where he was supposed to be. He was supposed to be drunk off his arse in Hurley's Tavern, not tied to a mast on a mysterious ship with no land in sight. What had been put in that rum? How long had he been out? Who had taken him? And was his good friend and partner in crime James still with him?

Cal's back was to the mast, and his hands were tied to the sides of it. He turned his stiff neck one way, and then the other, and he saw his friend was tied to the other side of the same mast. His head was bowed, his long blonde hair covering his face.

"Oi! Jimmy!" Cal called out, though he did it under his breath in case the ship's captain was a scary fellow with a long beard and more eyeballs than teeth.

James groaned. "I told you not to call me that." he complained groggily, slowly coming to. He opened his eyes, adjusted to the bright sun that shone directly over their heads, and went through the same series of revelations Cal just had. Without having to ask, he knew what had happened.

"Son of a bitch." he said, disappointed but not scared. They'd find a way out of this, like they always did. Being hungover would make it harder of course, but they'd find a way.

A minute later, after the soreness of being tied up and the heat of the day had begun to settle in, they heard the main cabin door open with a telltale creak. They both turned to look, holding their collective breath in case Beardy McNo-Teeth was coming out to greet them. They were surprised, quite pleasantly, when a tall, blonde, busty woman emerged instead. Her long locks were secured back by a black and white striped bandana, leaving a good view of the ample bosom that was almost levitating due to the corseted blouse she was wearing. The corset was black, and the blouse was white. Cal stared slack-jawed, and James gulped, their eyes traveling downward to the pair of tight black pants tucked into a pair of dangerously sharp-heeled black boots. The boots made a heavy clunking sound on the wooden planks as she walked toward the wheel of the ship. She didn't even glance their way. Cal and James waited. They expected some sort of greeting, or an explanation at least, but the mystery woman simply turned her back to them and got to steering.

James whistled at the woman behind the wheel. "Yo, Blondie! We got an ETA? Hell, do we even have a destination?"

The blonde turned, her head tilted slightly to the side. She stared back at him with a curious smile, like he was a cute little monkey spouting gibberish.

"You speak English, love?" Cal called out to her. She turned back around. It would have been frustrating, if her pants hadn't been so tight. Another woman came out of the cabin then, to see what the noise was about. Cal craned his neck so he could see what was going on. This other girl - well, no, she was a woman, like the blonde; another gorgeous, shapely woman in an equally sexy outfit. On the top she wore only a blood-red corset, covered by an even deeper red leather coat. Her skirt was short, tight, and made of leather. They'd never seen anything like it. Her boots were taller, sharper, even more dangerous looking than the blonde's, and she had short, light brown hair that was pulled back in a tiny ponytail.

"She's fit for boarding, that one." Cal muttered.

"Lemme guess," said James, his tone implying an eye roll. "You've got just the mast she's looking for?"

"Gimme a break, mate. I'm hungover and tied to a rotting tree trunk."

The new one walked over to the blonde, and they murmured things to each other that the boys couldn't hear.

"Oi, I didn't catch that!" Cal shouted.

"Yeah, no fair keepin' secrets!" James joined in. The women smirked at each other, and the auburn-haired lovely took the wheel so the blonde could stroll over to their captives. She walked up to James, a neutral yet playful expression on her face. Her blue eyes were as clear as the sky, and they teased him with the power she held over his fate.

"Do I need to gag you?" she asked, her tone innocent and the subtext anything but.

James grinned. "I don't mind bein' bound and gagged as long as the bed's bouncin'."

She didn't seem phased by it. "If you don't behave," she said slowly, "I'll turn you around and tie you up that way instead. You won't be able to stare at us then."

"I've already seen down your blouse, sweetheart." James warned her, his gaze coming to rest on her cleavage. "I might break the mast if you do that."

Juliet threw a glance below his waist, raised one perfect eyebrow smirked. "I'll keep that in mind." With that, she turned on her heel and walked back to the wheel. Both she and her companion glanced over their shoulders at the two men tied to their ship, and they had another quiet conversation about them.

"All metaphors aside," said James. "I'd really like to have sex with that woman."

"She likes you." Cal said idly. "I'm jealous."

"No need to be." said James. "Two of us, two of them... If that ain't fate, I don't know what is."

Sure enough, the second woman was eyeing Cal like he was a piece of prime meat.

"I don't bite!" Cal loudly assured her, the response almost involuntary. If he'd still been drunk on rum, he simply would have growled at her. It was her turn to take a stroll. She passed James on the way, giving him a once over before continuing on to Cal. He looked her in the eye, and smiled his hello.

"What's a sexy wench like you doing on a boat like this?"

Sexy Wench #2 smiled serenely. "Collecting a bounty." she said.

"Oh." Cal winced dramatically. "Like an arrow. Straight through the heart."

"Did you really think we brought you along for the company?"

Cal dropped the injured puppy act and gave an easygoing shrug. "Plans can change, love. What say we strike a deal?"

"I'm listening..."

"Untie me."

"...I'm still listening."

"I'll make it worth your while."

"I'm losing interest..."

"Have you ever made love to an English pirate?"

She chuckled, and took a step toward him. "Now I'm laughing." she said.

"I see that..." said Cal, clenching his teeth in playful frustration. Ooh, she liked him too, he could feel it. "What if I told you I knew of a great treasure palace, hidden under the sea, off the coast of Barbados?"

She actually seemed to consider his claim for a moment. Then she leaned in closer, her mouth mere inches from his, and his lips parted in anticipation. Her breath was sweet, and he was already imagining the taste of a first kiss. She smiled, very slowly, and then her lips parted. He could see her tongue do a little dance as the words came to her.

"...I'm walking away." she whispered, slowly twisting her body and leaving him with his arousal and his delusions.

Cal cleared his throat a few times. "That's fine." he said, giving his approval of that plan. He tilted his head sideways, and watched her hips sway as she walked away. "I'll wait here."

James, meanwhile, was still staring at his Blondie. The way she moved, the way she stood, the way she didn't give a flying...Dutchman about how much he already wanted her - it all drove him a bit mad. Then there was her girlfriend, Cal's new admirer. The women looked at each other like they spent a lot of time together. Naked.

"What a pair." James sighed.

"On which one?" Cal quipped. James chuckled, glad his friend had picked up on the innuendo.

Suddenly the blonde stomped her boot on the wooden planks beneath her feet. A few seconds later, a tall young man with curly black hair emerged from the belly of the ship, and he took over steering.

"Bollocks." Cal muttered. "Who's the cabin boy?"

"Competition?" James posited, right before Cal's cruel wench gave the boy a tender kiss on the lips.

Cal scoffed. "As if. He's prolly a eunuch or sumfin'. A slave boy, nothing more."

"If he's the slave boy, what does that make us?"

The women left the deck, retreating through the hatch. Cabin Boy turned to look at Cal and James over his shoulder, and he sent them a satisfied smirk. Cal sneered, and James looked away as if bored by the spectacle. Cabin Boy shook his head, thoroughly amused that they were tied up, and he was free and getting sweet kisses from the captains.

"I'm takin' a nap." said Cal to James. "Wake me when the girls come back."

"Yo ho." James replied wryly, resting his head against the wood at his back.

Yup, they'd charm their way out of this one, no problem. They just had to wait for the opportunity.