Title: Burning

Author: TracyT

Rating: T

Category: Romance, Angst

Summary: Post Almost Famous and 3XK

Spoilers: See above

Archive: Yes, please

Feedback to:

Disclaimer: Not mine, but I wish they were. No profit will be made on this. It was a labor of love.

Author's note: This is my take if they had shown Almost Famous before 3XK. Just my take on it. How I wish it had been.

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She was in the middle of telling Josh about Castle's reactions to the male strippers, when he got a strange look on his face and interrupted her by saying, "Why are you telling me this?"

The smile faded from her face. "I…I was just telling you about my day. I thought it was kind of funny. I thought you'd like to hear about it."

Josh shook his head and sat down on the bed. He'd followed her into the bedroom when she got home so she could change clothes. She was just removing her jewelry and placing it in the box as she talked to him.

"You don't tell me about your day. You don't tell me about you. You tell me about him."

Kate turned to face him, frowning. "Castle? Josh, he's my partner, of course he's going to figure into my stories."

"No, you talk about him all the time." When she shook her head in denial, he added, "You don't even notice, do you?"

When she opened her mouth to respond he cut her off by saying, "And why did you dress like that tonight?" He gestured toward her.

Kate looked down at herself, suddenly feeling on the defensive. "Oh, come on, Josh. I dressed to fit in with the other women at the club. We went in posing as a couple…" As soon as the words were out of her mouth she knew they were a big mistake. She closed her eyes for a moment and bit her bottom lip.

"So you dressed like that for him?"

"No. Josh, I told you…" She was starting to lose her temper.

"Do you have any idea how hot you look, Kate? Any man breathing would take notice of you dressed like that."

She snorted a laugh. "Funny you should say that, because for your information, for all the notice Castle took of me dressed like this I could have been wearing a potato sack."

"And you were disappointed." It wasn't a question.

"No. Josh, this is getting ridiculous. I had no idea you were so jealous of my relationship, my working relationship with Castle."

He stood and approached her. He was a big man and she was forced to look up at him.

"I wasn't, until I noticed how much time you spend with him, and when you're not with him, you talk about him. I think you need to think about what you really want, Kate. When you decide, let me know, okay?" With that he walked out of the room and out the front door.

#######

Kate slowly walked in her front door, feeling as if all the energy had been drained from her. She still felt raw, shaky, spent. Dear God, she'd nearly lost him tonight. She'd been so sure when she finally got into that motel room that she would find him dead, and the feeling was so close to the feeling she'd had when they'd found her mother that she wasn't sure how she was going to recover this time.

Without taking off her coat, she slid down the wall in the entry way and looped her arms around her bent knees. When Martha had called to tell her of Rick's message at the end of his phone call, a thrill of realization had shot through her. All the pieces fell into place and it became a matter of time to get to him before Jerry killed him. When he'd told his mother he loved her, he may have been trying to clue her in that something was off, but Rick was also saying good-bye.

The whole way there, she was screaming inside. Screaming like she had when she'd seen her mother's body, because she knew no matter how fast she drove, she would never get there in time, and her mind started playing back all the good memories of Castle, as if showing her what she was going to be missing. All the times he'd done some silly, stupid thing to make her smile when she was down, all the times he brought her coffee. His beautiful blue eyes when she'd told him he'd won the bet. This was the man who wanted so badly for her to believe in magic, who came into her life and insisted she play a little, despite her initial protests. The man who made her life so much lighter, the man who had become so important to her—and she was going to lose him.

When they'd arrived at the motel, she'd jumped from the car and run toward the room without waiting for anyone. She vaguely heard Esposito shout, "Beckett, wait!" but she didn't, she couldn't. She ran as if her life depended on it, and in a way, it did. She heard Esposito running behind her, trying to catch up, but she didn't stop until she'd kicked the door in and shouted his name in desperation.

And then a miracle happened. He was okay. Dear God, he was alive. Her hands shook as she untied him, and although she was proud of the fact her voice didn't shake—much—when she told him she was glad he was okay, what she really wanted to do was throw herself in his arms and hold him for a long, long while.

Later, when she'd found him sitting by the pool, she'd taken him some coffee and asked him why Jerry had left him alive. "To punish me," he'd answered. She couldn't help herself at that moment. She had to touch him, to reaffirm he was truly all right. She put a hand on his knee, feeling the warmth of him under her fingers. When she'd told him she knew the way he felt, he'd said he knew she did and took her hand and squeezed it. They sat like that for some time, until he finally, reluctantly, took his hand from hers, saying he probably should call his mother and Alexis.

She took him home a short time later. They hadn't said much on the way to his loft, but the air was thick with unsaid words, unexpressed emotions. He'd asked her if she wanted to come up when they got to his place, but she said no, he should go spend time with his daughter and mother, they'd be worried. He'd gazed into her eyes for a few moments, and quietly said "See you tomorrow, then?" She had nodded and tried to smile as he got out of the car.

Now, her phone buzzed, rousing her from her memories. It was from Josh:

Are you home? Can I come over?

Kate sighed. She texted back:

Not tonight, okay? I need some time alone.

He didn't text back after that. Something she didn't want to analyze too deeply right now.

Josh had asked her to decide what she wanted. Tears of frustration filled her eyes. She sniffled and wiped one away from her cheek. If she were honest with herself, right now what she wanted most was something she had no right to.

Damn all the rules that said what was right and wrong, damn all the people keeping them apart. If she could, she'd go to him right now and demand he show her he was alive. She wanted to feel his heart beating against hers, she wanted to feel his breath on her skin, she wanted to feel him inside her. She so badly wanted the physical, tangible reassurance of his continued existence, but it couldn't happen.

She put her head against her knees and cried in regret, frustration and longing.

Her phone buzzed again. She wiped her face with her fingers and looked at the readout on her phone, feeling a flash of annoyance that Josh was bothering her again—but instead it was him.

Hey, are you okay? He was the one who had been nearly killed tonight and he was asking about her?

She texted back: Okay, I guess. How about you?

Okay. A few seconds later, a new message:

I wish…

Fresh tears filled her eyes.

She texted back: Me too.

TBC