Chapter 3 – Here we are

The weight of the things that remained unspoken
built up so much it crushed us every day.

Every night she cries herself to sleep
Thinking "Why does this happen to me,
Why does every moment have to be so hard."

And now he was sitting at his desk, waiting for something to happen.

But for what?

What did he expect?

Lil throwing herself at him? Telling him everything had been a great mistake? Telling him he was a good partner and colleague, but nothing more? Footsteps approached, quick and hasty, he would have recognized them everywhere in the world.

"Lil!" Kat Miller called out relieved. "Hurry up, we're leaving!"

Scotty's head went up abruptly.

His eyes searched for Lil's and he was sure she'd avoid eye contact – but she looked straight at him and smiled.

"Morning."

And she was gone again.

"Sorry, Boss," he heard her soft voice from the inside of the little office in which John Stillman resided. Vera, Miller and Jeffries didn't seem to have noticed anything odd. Vera and Jeffries were fighting over whose turn it was to call the attorney today, Miller left the break room, her bag in her hand. Time continued to flow as if nothing had happened. It was hard to believe that anything had happened... That anything had changed at all.

Hard to believe that
It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you.

One had to give her credit for one thing: Lilly Rush was able – if she really wanted – to ignore (certain) people until the extent of forcing them into non-existence. If she really was avoiding him – and even after watching her closely the whole day Scotty still wasn't sure if she was – she hid it with amazing success.

She didn't just avoid being in the same room with him. She didn't just avoid talking to him, as any normal woman would have done – but Lilly Rush wasn't a normal woman. It was a lecture Scotty Valens had to learn the hard way.

Because Lil didn't avoid him – she just acted as if nothing ever had happened. She didn't switch to Ice Princess mode. She didn't ignore him.

No, she really didn't. Scotty knew what it was like to be ignored by Lilly Rush – it was just a step behind Arctic Hell, he knew very well himself. He had endured it. But the average temperature in the room still was at some endurable – 23°C – endurable compared to the outside summer weather with some 35°C in the shade.

Nobody even noticed she was wearing a mask except Scotty who knew she was wearing one but couldn't prove it because her mask just showed a normal every-day Lil. No freezing glances. No comments to hurt root canals. Nothing like that.

No.

Much more subtle as any other woman she just acted as if the last night hadn't taken place at all. And if Scotty was true to himself, he had to admit that her behavior hurt him. More: her behavior annoyed him. What was she thinking? She couldn't just go and surprise him – kiss him – and then act as if nothing had happened. It nagged at him greatly.

Another thing he had to admit was that she really was a great actress. Even he was starting to believe nothing ever had happened between them. She got coffee for him and everyone else and reminded him it was his turn next. She asked him if he had the files for their case. She told Boss he had found out about the evidence in the last case – which he had – and finally, when Kat Miller started to hack on Vera because he had misplaced some important files and angrily stated men just weren't able to keep things in order and Scotty was looking at Lil for help, momentarily forgetting the last evening, Lil just smiled cryptically and said she wouldn't judge without seeing the evidence.

Not knowing whether he should be angry or amused, he listened to Kat and tried to define what was stronger: anger or amusement. And if he was angry – was it because she hadn't sided with him or because she just ignored what she'd did this morning? Was both the same? And then something else still went round and round in his head, something she had said but he had forgotten – and he knew it was important. The whole day he tried to find out what it was, but he just couldn't remember. At one point, he raised his head and noticed that Lil had been watching him intently the whole time. But the moment his eyes found hers, she turned again and concentrated on the printer. As if she just had been staring at nothing special at all.

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it trough the night
I won't go home without you.

His head was aching and it was her fault.

Who was this woman? Now he'd gotten to know two different Lilly Rushs. One of them was bitter, exhausted, sad, helplessly lost and fragile. She was broken. The other one was proud, ironic and indifferent as ever.

So which Lil did he like more?

He liked both.

Why had she kissed him?

There were several theories he'd been thinking about the whole day. The first possibility was she'd just wanted to thank him. But normally, Lilly Rush said Thank you when she meant it. He didn't like the possibility. Another one would have been the one in which Lil just had kissed him by mistake. Maybe she'd thought he'd been someone else. Wow, that was unlikely. And really, really annoying. And of course, there could have been the possibility that Lil had kissed him because she actually had wanted to do it. Because…

He had no idea. Gosh, it was really hot today.

"Scotty? You'll collapse the wall if you don't stop staring at it soon."

The one spoken to was ripped out of his daydream abruptly and noticed the Boss standing in front of him, mustering him sternly. The office was empty. Quickly, Scotty threw the clock a look and realized everyone must already have left the building. Only he'd been sitting there, staring holes into the walls.

"Is everything okay?" Boss asked and looked at him worriedly.

Just let me think, Boss. Your Protégée and Almost-Daughter, my partner, the woman I've been working with for six or seven years, kissed me this morning and is now acting as if nothing has taken place. And now I've no idea what I'm supposed to do or how I'm supposed to act. Should I talk to her? What if she doesn't listen – as usual? How do I react?

"Everything's fine, Boss," he answered. "I'm just tired. I'll be leaving in a second."

"Scotty!"

Scotty stopped dead on his way to the exit of the office. Stillman was looking at him knowingly. "Your bag, Scotty."

As the figure stepped into the light and he recognized her he knew she had recognized him, too. Scotty could see how every muscle in Lil's body tensed as she fought the urge to run away – but she stood still, her clenched fists the only sign for the tension pulsing through her body. He was glad she was so stubborn – if she had run, he'd never have reached her. Slowly, she drew nearer to the place he was already standing, waiting for her – the moonlit pond at the heart of Philadelphia.

Of all the things I've felt but never really shown
Perhaps the worst is that I ever let you go
I should not ever let you go

„What are you doing here?"

"I could ask the same," he replied. "Too much baby screaming?"

"No."

Lil was quiet. Her gaze travelled over the black water. Scotty, too, just watched – watched the pond and tried to ignore the soft, sweet smell surrounding her. Her lips had tasted the same… Involuntarily, he asked himself how kissing her would be. As sweet as her scent? Soft?

It's not over tonight...

He tried to stop these thoughts. He had to make them stop. He couldn't be dreaming of her forever. He had to pull himself together.

"Did you talk to Chris?"

"It's nothing of your business."

Clearly, this meant yes.

Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night..

„Lil," he said finally when he couldn't suppress the thoughts any longer. "Why did you kiss me?"

I won't go home without you.

Her mask shattered.

"So you only kiss Chris, or what?" She snapped.

Scotty stiffened. Was she telling him she'd only kissed him because she wanted to punish Chris – If you take my guy, I take yours? Was he supposed to be another chapter in the story of these damn Rush sisters' family affairs?

Damn.

On the other hand – this was the last thing he had expected Lil to do. No. Lil always had played fair. And he and Chris had been together five years ago. It was impossible Lil still hadn't forgiven him for searching for a replacement – it was not like her. No. It almost seemed as if he had hurt her when he had a relationship with Chris. But how on earth could he hurt Lil by having a relationship with Chris? He had lied to her, but he had apologized and she had accepted it. She was angry with Chris for hurting him, but also angry at him for hurting her... How could he have hurt Lil? It wasn't her heart which had been broken by their affair but…

God.

Enlightenment washed over him with the clarity of fresh and ice-cold water, cleared his head of everything which had seemed so muddy and unclear. Now he knew – suddenly, everything just seemed to jump at him with clear and sharp edges. Not just Chris – no, he had hurt Lil, too. Because he had a relationship with Chris, while Lil… While Lil…

He spun around to face her.

When she realized – realized she had somehow given herself away, that he had somehow put together the pieces correctly and had understood, she panicked. Fear spread across her beautiful face as she took a few steps backwards.

"No. No! No, Scotty – I didn't mean to say that! I'm sorry, I…"

"Lil."

Carefully, he took a step towards her, unsure what he was supposed to say. What could he actually say? It had been his fault. Nothing he said could be right in this situation.

„No!"

Pure fear echoed in her voice. Again, she edged backwards.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry! I didn't want to destroy it, Scotty, please…"

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night

What was he supposed to do? What could he say?

She was in panic, he saw that much. Every moment she seemed to shatter, to break into pieces like fragile porcelain. She wanted to run away and only the fear what would happen to their relationship if she actually ran held her fixed to the spot. But the moment he said something wrong, she'd run.

Lilly Rush would run.

No. Lilly Rush didn't flee. Lilly Rush needed nobody. She was able to do everything – everything by herself. She was strong, she was independent. She'd never mumble hasty words, pleading him to forget what he just had realized. She'd never sound so frightened. But the woman Scotty saw right now wasn't Lilly Rush, she was just Lil. Fragile, lonely, shattered, being driven insane by the fear of what her carelessness would lead to… Her fear of what she was about to lose spoke from every line in her face – she clung to their partnership and their friendship like a drowning person clung to the last piece of driftwood. Her blue eyes were opened wide, her face was terribly pale. Probably she'd herself never had realized what he had realized – and now she was breaking again because he had forced her to confront what she'd been trying to forget all this time. But all her mistakes didn't make him feel as if she was less worthy of love.

I won't go home without you.

She was afraid of relationships.

Scotty knew it'd be difficult having a normal relationship with a woman like her. Lil was used to being alone. She'd always found a way of getting along by herself. She'd buried her fear so deep not even she'd been able to find it. She was entirely herself and it would take time until she would accept him entirely – and he would be looking forward to interesting years to come if he really did what he was intending to do right now. But he liked the prospect. He only had to find the right words now.

So this time it was him who kissed her.

He had to react quickly. Quick so she couldn't guess his intentions and run, quick so she wouldn't panic even more. He crossed the few meters between them, took her head between his hands and pressed his lips onto hers – harder than he had anticipated, because in the last moment she realized what he was doing and tried to flee. When his lips touched hers, her whole body went rigid with fear. Carefully he released her head and touched her face – gently, as if he was touching a wounded animal. And in a way, he was. His other hand felt her shiny, silky hair as his lips tasted hers. They tasted soft and sweet and he cursed himself for not having reacted in the morning, for having let her leave in the first place…

I won't go home without you.

Finally, he made a step backwards, hoping she'd understand. He expected anger, fear and doubt in her eyes. It wouldn't have changed his mind – and wouldn't have changed the fact it had been the best kiss he'd ever had – but he expected her reaction.

What he didn't expect was what he actually saw: tears. Tears in the most beautiful eyes of the world.

Carefully, he wiped them away and mustered her with a burning gaze.

"Did I make myself clear, Lil?"

She couldn't misunderstand his tone. Blood flooded her pale face – it was so adorable he had to lean forwards and kiss her again.

I won't go home without you...

He could have continued forever. Could have tasted her sweet breath forever, her soft lips, her arms as she clung to him with the strength of a helpless person, her body against his. Frantically, her lips searched his every time they left them, ignoring the need of oxygen as much as possible. He had to force himself to stop and had to push her back carefully to look at her.

Her hair was in disorder. Color was burning in her cheeks and her breath was coming in short, hard intervals – and still, she didn't dare to look at him. Gently he placed his hand beneath her chin and lifted her head to meet his gaze. In her eyes, he could read a million emotions: irrational fear and desperate hope were just some of them. Smiling, he touched her lips with his fingers and felt her shiver. Then he took her hand.

"Let's go," he simply said.

In his big hand, her small fingers felt more real than anything else he had ever held.

I won't go home without you.