Disclaimer: I don't own HP soo much so that I think this is AU.

I dont know how i feel about this one it's okay i guess. Thought it up in Science while I was working on the oxygen-carbon cycle and my friend told me i looked morose know i guess we all know why. Its probably littered with mistakes and loads of run on sentences as those seem to be my specialty. This I guess is all about what Remus thought about Sirius' death which is why it's AU because we all know Sirius didn't actually die nor did Remus and that they are both sitting on a beach in Aruba drinking rum. Anyways to the fic I'm not really happy with it but I'll post it anyway drop us a review to see if you Liked it. Cheers Messer Moony.

To Know How To Breathe

The house now represented nothing of its former self. Even though the house was bleak and drab with memories of a less than exuberant past, with him there it was everything. The house seemed to just loose its dark dreary ways and was replaced with something that never ceased to make you smile. But that was before it happened.

Do you know how much it hurts to be able to smell him when you know you'll never see him again?

To breathe when you know every breath doesn't make a difference because you can no longer breathe him in.

To cry tears, endless tears to stream down your face knowing there all futile because he can't see you cry.

Knowing that whenever you taste something it will never taste as good as he did. Or to know that no matter how much you wished it, you could never hold him in your arms again.

To know that the only one you thought who truly knew you accepted you and appreciated you ceased to exist.

To realize that you can't stop to mourn the forever building hole in your bloodied heart because others need it more.

To know there is nothing you can say that will bring him back. As right now you feel as if you can't speak at all. Your lips are dry and cracked and your tongue is stuck to the roof as if your mouth was filled with tar, black, gooey, vile tar.

You feel so very guilty that blood should flow through your veins and not this even though it's tainted, diseased and fifthly. Yet there's no satisfaction in this guilt as he is not there to watch you suffer.

Night mixes into day now and you don't even bother to notice. Why would you, even living seems unfair when he is not there to share it with you.

The others have said that grief shouldn't be bottled up or taken lightly, that loosing your best friend has to be painful. But they were so wrong I didn't just loose a friend a lost my love and with him my life.

The day Sirius Black fell into the Veil was also the day Remus Lupin stopped living.

Coincidence I think not. The order didn't realize the significance of Remus' relationship and his grief until the day they found him laying on the bed in the middle of Sirius' dark musty old bedroom. He was dead. Covers soaked in blood from the great gaping gash on his wrist laying upon the only photograph of its kind, a picture of two young boys entwined. A smile was placed on the dead Remus' face and the whole order could guess why.

For the first time in years Remus' could finally breathe.

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