Once More With Feeling….Maybe

By: M14Mouse

Summary: Sometimes, Sam tries so hard to feel. Something. Anything. On most days, it just isn't worth it. Tag to "You Can't Handle The Truth"

Disclaimer: Don't own them.

"Sometimes, I worry about you."

"Seriously, what is up with you?"

Some days, Sam wondered the same thing. Most of the time, he can't get the emotion to come to care…to understand…to anything. It is a fleeing memory. Something that he should feel that he remember feeling but doesn't. It slipped through his fingers like the wind and he can't get it back.

That is what made this so hard.

He has draw upon his memories to just interact with people. Every word…every gesture was imprinted into his skull. He couldn't feel them. It was someone broke on switch to his emotions. He can be mad like he did with Cas. He can laugh at Dean's corny jokes. He knew to put his hand on a victim's shoulder when they are crying. It was a thousand gestures and words that he has drawn upon every moment of everyday. He felt like an actor in his own life.

He knew that he sounded fake and he should hate it. He just doesn't have it in him to care. The people around him weren't blind…even strangers could pick up that he was just wrong. It was a feeling that he was a loose puzzle piece that didn't fit into any puzzle. Even since Dean came back, it became more and more apparent that he can't hide it.

Every look…every glance over his shoulder, Dean knew something was wrong. He tried to make it. The lies rolled off his tongue. He was "fine". He could be nothing else but fine. There were no other words to describe what he was feeling. Fine was good enough…it was only enough. He had no words to describe the emptiness within him. Dean was pushing for answers to questions that he knew nothing about. It was funny in a lot of ways since he did the same a lifetime ago.

Then he made a mistake in allowing Dean to get turned. Only it wasn't really a mistake. They needed answers. The cold logical pulsed through his brain. Dean was the logical one to be turned. He is the one out of the game. He was the one that was tore.

Dean was the one who was whole. He was the broken one.

With the bloody corpses at his feet and the damage that Dean caused, he was right.

He would have done worse…much worse.

Like he said before, he made a mistake. Dean saw him. He saw him watching. He didn't question him there. The once warmness has turned to cold. The glances became stares. Dean's stares became his shadows.

In those shadows, he was confronted with the truth.

And the truth didn't effect him. Dean asked why. The goddess asked why and he would lie…lie…lie, all the way home.

Once upon a time, he did the same thing. He lied about Ruby, blood, and death. But back then he would have felt something. But standing before his brother, he felt numb. His words were like sand slipping through hands. He felt Dean's anger….Dean's confusion…Dean's sadness. It was like a warm fire that he could only see from a distance.

For a brief moment, he longed for the same emotions. To laugh…to cry…to feel. He was a better hunter without them. Standing before his brother, he knew in a logically way that this couldn't continue.

So, he asked for help…to be fixed. In response, his brother hit him over and over again. He didn't fight back. He knew that Dean had a right to feel what he felt. As his brother hit him over and over again, he felt a brief moment of pain then nothing.

As he felt blackness fall, he wondered when he woke, would he feel anything.

End

A/N: I really don't need to say anything for the last couple of episodes but…Holy crap. Really…Holy Crap on a ping pong table. Anyway…while I flail, read and review if you wish.