Dear friends, this is my belated birthday present for too_beauty.

Warning: rude language and open sexual implications.

Some people say that Persepolis was burned because Alexander was drunk but what if it was burned because Hephaistion was sober?

The feast began in the late hours of the morning and now when the first stars made their shy appearance in the sky there was still no end to it. The guests drank, ate, enjoyed the endless entertainment, fell asleep on the couches or somewhere on the floor. Some of them were able to wake up again and then continue as if there was no interruption. Some drank less trying to prolong fun and pleasures, others managed to escape outside either to get a fresh breeze in their face or plunge in the nearby fountains.

Hephaistion pensively surveyed the crowd. He made an effort to arrive as late as possible so that nobody, Alexander including, would notice or care how much he drank, or more to the point, that he didn't drink at all. No, Hephaistion enjoyed wine, especially the dark tart wine from Chios, but that was it – he liked to enjoy it, not to gulp mindlessly in order to be like everybody else.

He remembered Alexander shared this proper reverence for Dionysus in the days of their youth and the king still did when he found time to share private moments with his beloved or a few selected friends from the childhood. But those private moments were becoming rarer with every passing year and Alexander was admitting to Hephaistion that he started to understand the necessity of the endless banquets that his father threw when he wasn't waging wars on his neighbours. Hephaistion wasn't naïve in the ways of the world and was ready to acknowledge the certain wisdom of public feasts to show off the power of the king and his constantly expending empire but he hated the fact that Alexander allowed himself to get drunk when things didn't go the way he wanted.

This feast, though officially thrown by Alexander to mark his leaving of the grandiose city of Persepolis, definitely bore all the signs of Alexander being not happy with the turn of events and Hephaistion resigned himself to the task of dealing with consequences, whatever they might be.

Truth be said, Hephaistion debated with himself, Alexander had all the reasons for not being happy. He expected to be officially recognized as a King of Kings of the vast empire he conquered but it didn't happened. Athens' response to the returned by Alexander Greek treasures looted by Xerxes some 150 year ago didn't contain even a spark of gratitude, and a letter from Aristotle criticising Alexander's treatment of Persians as equals did little to improve the king's mood. Another letter, this time from Olympia, informed the king that his sister Cleopatra who was still recovering after the death of her husband, king Alexander of Epirus, prematurely gave birth to a dead child, who happened to be a boy, and was not besides herself with grief. The sad news was used by the Queen Mother as yet another excuse to dedicate the rest of the letter to belittling his relationship with Hephaistion and urging him to come to his senses and get married. Few days later Parmenion brought a letter from Antipater who, though on route to help the besieged by Spartan king Agis III Arcadian capital of Megalopolis, was seconding Olympia's thoughts on the only matter he and Queen Mother have ever agreed.

A sudden loud burst of laughter brought Hephaistion back from his reverie. He thought that by now he saw all the crazy things that the drunken guests were capable of during these celebration banquets but the view of Black Cleitos trying to rip the remaining clothes from Callisthenes made him shake his head in utter disbelieve. The poor historian was saved from the further humiliation by laughing Alexander who made not very firm attempt at reprimanding his general for the inappropriate behaviour.

"All those philosophers and demagogues are weaklings!" the deafening volume of Cleitos voice silenced everybody in close vicinity. For a moment general was surprised by the unexpected silence that followed his statement but he immediately grabbed the chance to continue with his impromptu speech. "Those who use their tongue as their weapon are useless on the battlefield! Unless, of course, that battlefield happens to be in my bed!" he added smugly and was rewarded by the roaring laughter.

"Are you saying that diplomacy has no merit in the matters of war?" drunkenly demanded Philotas. "My father is very well known for both his skills on the battlefield and in the stateroom."

Parmenion blushed like a virgin being wooed by a silver tongued suitor; the effect though was more likely caused by the amount of vine he consumed not by his natural shyness.

Harpalos, who was just appointed by Alexander as his chief treasurer and entrusted with taking all the treasures of Susa and Persepolis to Ecbatana couldn't miss an opportunity to please Alexander in any way possible.

"Our king doesn't need help of philosophers or retired statesmen in his conquests; he is like Achilles whose bright star will shine forever!"

"But it was Odysseus who took Troy," loudly proclaimed Ptolemy but was immediately shushed by Thais.

"And it was Patroclus who used his tongue skills in Achilles' bed to help him out," burst out Craterous choking with laughter at his own joke. "I don't know if there is anybody in our army who can measure up to Odysseus but we all know who Patroclus is!"

If Hephaistion has been drunk he would jump at the general beating his words down his throat but he was stark sober so he just calmly said, "And we all know who Thersites is."

A momentous silence hung up in the celebration hall. The insult was unspeakable, and only now Hephaistion realized how many were listening to the drunken bickering inside Alexander's close circle of friends.

Before anybody could react Alexander jumped from his recliner, a huge gold cup in his hand. "I think that for this night Hephaistion won the title of Odysseus as well. If I would you," and, smiling, king turned to Craterous, "I wouldn't cross any more swords with Hephaistion today."

Harpalos, still trying to please Alexander and knowing very well where the king's heart belonged, hurriedly added, "General Craterous does somewhat look like Thersites, let Aphrodite have mercy on both!"

Alexander frowned and turned away. It was one thing to ignore Hephaistion insulting Craterous in self defence, allowing his chief treasurer to do the same was quite a different matter. "And even Hephaistion should be more careful with publicly offending his brothers-in-arms. If he insists on staying sober all the time he should have a better hold of his senses." Being rather drunk himself, the king didn't see the flaw of his own logic.

Craterous, in the meantime, was vainly fighting his comrades in a futile attempt to get to Hephaistion and beat him mercilessly for the public insult he had to endure.

Callisthenes, feeling more secure away from Black Cleitos clutches, ventured an attempt at pacifying the main protagonists. Or so it looked, at least for those who wasn't aware of the philosopher's jealousy towards Hephaistion. Callisthenes didn't mind that his uncle corresponded from time to time with Alexander, but it was a constant exchange of letters with Hephaistion he couldn't swallow. What was so important that Aristotle felt necessary to discuss so frequently with the king's favourite? Didn't he trust him, his own nephew, enough? Or his letters were dull, boring and not intelligent enough when compared to those of Hephaistion?

"Let us all take the advantage of Odysseus' spirit inhabiting Hephaistion's mind today," started Callisthenes turning his head in turn in Alexander's and then Hephaistion's direction. "If our king allows me to freely speak my mind, I will continue then," and philosopher fell silent waiting for Alexander's response.

"You may continue," graciously agreed the king, rather happy that the conversation was taking less bellicose approach.

"We all know that some of us approached our king with the idea to annihilate the palaces of Persepolis in a revenge for the destruction that Xerxes brought to the cities of Hellas; yet others say that we shouldn't devastate the city that is now rightfully ours. Let Hephaistion's skills of persuasion work to our advantage. He has to convince all of us, the great king Alexander including, what course of action to take. Can you do us that favour, general?" Callisthenes looked directly in Hephaistion's eyes and despite the very sincere mean that the philosopher put on his face Hephaistion didn't fail to notice either the hidden challenge of the proposition or almost imperceptible smile buried in Aristotle's nephew lips.

But Alexander who was well advanced in his cups failed to notice those tiny details. All he saw was a noble attempt on Callisthenes' side to bring the arguing parties together and prove that Hephaistion's abilities of persuasion were equal to those of Odysseus.

"It's brilliant," exclaimed the king, "my friend can convince anybody in anything. We all know that Hephaistion is against the burning of Persepolis; despite of that you will witness how masterfully he is going to persuade all of you to burn Persepolis to the ground! Aren't you, my love?" and the king, disregarding everybody around, gave Hephaistion one of those full of love and desire looks that used to send shivers down Hephaistion's spine in their private and intimate moments.

Shivers they were this time as well, only for a completely different reason. He was about to respond when Thais jumped on one of the low tables, a burning torch in her hand and, triumphally shouting her approval, threw the torch in General's direction. Hephaistion deftly grasped the huge candlestick and gave it to the passing servant to take away. He came closer to Alexander with full intention to dissuade him from this stupid idea but by this time Alexander's mind was made.

"You can do it, I know," loudly whispered the king into the General's ear.

"I am not Bucephalus whom you can proudly parade for everybody's admiration," Hephaistion indignantly whispered back. "I can't do what you're asking of me!"

"Of course you can," too loudly to Hephaistion's taste continued Alexander. Then he hooked his arm around Hephaistion's neck and tried to kiss him fully on the lips. Hephaistion turned away, indignation boiling furiously inside him. How could Alexander, even drunk as he was, fall for such an obvious trap? And how could he make Hephaistion a scapegoat in this drunken debouche just because of Hephaistion's choice to remain sober?

"You want me to persuade everybody to burn Persepolis? Fine!" menacingly hissed Hephaistion. "Just don't come to me tomorrow, lucid and indignant, laying blame at my door! I will take none of it!"

Hephaistion didn't wait for the answer. He stepped away from his king and took the central place in the clearing that was made for him. He narrowed his eyes, appraising the audience. Most of them were too inhibited to follow any logic whatsoever; he has to sweep them to his side with a short and brutal attack.

"You want me to convince you to burn Persepolis for the immortal glory of Alexander and all of Hellas? Very well, it's not so hard to do. But first you have to answer a number of quick and simple questions. So, here is how it's going to work. I ask a question, and those who know the correct answer are going to raise their hand, and I will pick one of you to respond."

"Can we raise something else?" stupidly smiling, asked Philotas.

"Yes, you can," coldly responded Hephaistion, "but then you run into a risk of not being noticed."

"How dare you!" Parmenion indignantly thundered in the defence of his son's manhood.

"And how would you know?" viciously inquired Laomedon. "Are you saying that you are unfaithful to our king?"

"I am saying that I am sick and tired of listening to the complains of Philotas' concubines and pages!" snapped Hephaistion.

"Can we, please, come back to the matter of discussing the burning of Persepolis instead of the size of Philotas' dick?" with a blatant forwardness that only hetaira could afford inquired Thais.

This time it was Ptolemy who shushed his mistress into showing some propriety in her behaviour. But Hephaistion was on the roll.

"What would be your preference for the more urgent topic of discussion?" he demurely asked Alexander.

"Let's stick to the burning of Persepolis," graciously allowed the monarch.

"Well, then, my first question would be "What is Chersiphron of Crete famous for?"

An uncertain silence and not a single raised hand was the exact response that Hephaistion was sure he would get. The General chuckled when he saw how seriously Ptolemy knitted his brows and when that didn't produce any result he searched for somebody with his eyes and finding whom he was looking for, asked, "Nearchus?"

The admiral shook his head and shrugged his shoulders in a negative response, "Don't ask me, never heard of him."

"That was what I expected," sounding seriously upset, commented Hephaistion. "Let's try our hosts and new allies here, may be they know their history better," and turning to the group of Persian nobles, headed by Tiridates, the former governor of Persepolis, who surrendered the city to Macedonian troops a couple of months ago, he inquired, "What is Arathes of Media mostly famous for?"

Hephaistion received the same blank stares from Persians as moments ago from his fellow Macedonians and Greeks.

"Well, it's rather sad state of affairs," Hephaistion shook his head in faked disappointment. Let's try the last question. Who can tell me what Herostratus did to gain his fame?"

Of course nobody bothered to raise their hands, they all started to shout the obvious answer about the burning of Artemis temple in Ephesus on the night when Alexander was born.

In the end, it was Perdiccas who managed to out scream everybody else. He snatched two torches from the wall casings they were set in and got on the top of nearby table. He raised both hands above his head and shouted, "Let's burn Persepolis as Herostratus burned the temple of Artemis!" Then he looked down benevolently at Hephaistion and said, "You know, my friend, you didn't need to torture us with those unpronounceable names of some Cretan and Median. I am sure they were people of no consequence; no wonder that nobody here knows them!"

"They were very talented people, Perdiccas, and of great consequence," contradicted Hephaistion.

"Talented? How?" demanded Perdiccas, both torches still in his hands.

"Herostratus maybe notoriously known for the burning the temple of Artemis, but Chersiphron of Crete built it. And Arathes of Media built the most famous palaces in Persepolis."

"And Alexander of Macedon will be famous for burning them!" loudly proclaimed Perdiccas and threw one of the torches to Thais. Intoxicated crowd followed the lead and, grabbing more torches from the walls, spilled into the other rooms of the palace and then to the streets.

Bucephalus uneasily shifted under the king's weight trying to turn away from the smoke that wind was bringing in his direction. Several days after the burning and looting, smoke still hang in the air, an unpleasant reminder of the atrocities that transpired in this unfortunate city.

"I am sorry that I did this to you," sober and repentant said Alexander to his beloved. "I have no idea what came over me. I know that you did your best to stop me but I overruled you again. I am really sorry, my love; can you forgive me, please?"

Hephaistion sighed. "I was carried away by my pride as well," admitted General, "I am not mad at you or anything, but this beautiful city is no more."

"Yes," Alexander agreed and allowed a sheepish smile escape his lips, "but you gained an everlasting gratitude and admiration from an unexpected source."

"What source?" inquired Hephaistion.

"Tiridates, the former governor of Persepolis," answered Alexander.

"For instigating the burning of his city to the ground?" incredulously asked Hephaistion.

"No, not for that of course," said Alexander, "Tiridates was not only the governor of Persepolis, he is also a self made historian who dedicated all his spare time to researching and preserving the history of his city. He told me that for years he tried to discover the genius behind the construction of those palaces but the name escaped him. He is sure that you somehow managed to find it out, after all you are known as passionate collector of the rare historical information. You can be sure that he is going to beg you to reveal the source of that information."

"Oh, dear!" exclaimed Hephaistion, "I didn't see it coming at all."

"What do you mean?" confusedly asked the king.

"Did you already forget that you appointed me as Odysseus' successor during that cursed feast?"

"No, I didn't forget; so what?"

"I knew about Chersiphron of Crete, he was a real person who designed and built the temple of Artemis in Ephesus, but I had no idea who was behind the construction of Persepolis' palaces, so I just invented the name to suit my purposes!"