Just Like We Breakdown, a skins fanfic

Title: Just Like We (Breakdown)

Fandom: Skins

Pairing: Katie/Effy, Emily/Naomi

Rating: R for swearing and some stuff.

Disclaimer: If I owned them Effy would be doing it with Katie, not Fun Sponge.

Summary: Effy is trying to change. It's not easy as it sounds.

A/N: Pretty AU by now. No season 4 stuff. I know this got out of control and there was also the thing that whenever I think Effy I also think angst and if I'm terrified of doing these two separately you can only imagine how I got when I decided I would write both of them. Effy is so hard to write and I just hope this works for someone patient enough to read the whole thing.

A/N2: No beta so I'm sorry for the typos.

Fucking Bristol.

Effy shouldn't have come back. That is the only thought on her mind as she watches Cook and JJ leaving together; Cook's right arm is wrapped around JJ's middle, like he will fall if the loose his grip just for a second. JJ doesn't seem to mind, he just holds Cook and keeps giving him different ideas for what to do with his new boat.

She is startled by Freddie's hand gripping hers, and as she watches their fingers intertwine, Effy realizes with some kind of morbid fascination that she feels nothing. What she's both been dreading and wishing to happen finally has happened, and all she feels is emptiness.

As always.

Freddie smiles at her and tugs at her hand. "I'll walk you home, yeah?"

Her eyes fall to their hands, then to JJ and Cook as they turn around a corner and disappear from sight. She realizes that Freddie is supposed to be there, with them. She sighs and follows him. Effy warned him and he didn't believe her. Now she is going to break his heart.

It's just a question of when.

She gets home and finds her mother sprawled on the couch, the floor crowded with bottles and newspapers, the coffee table occupied with all kinds of old food, a smell that makes her stomach turn.

"Couldn't find you, as always."

Just then she realizes her mother is awake. She looks pathetic, her hair is a mess and her mascara is all over her face. "You alright?" Effy asks because she stills feels like it's her job to take care of her mother when she gets like this.

"Oh sure, I'm just peachy," she snarls. "I've walked through the whole fucking town looking for my daughter until I hear from a stranger that apparently, she left Bristol after opening some girl's head with a rock."

Effy doesn't answer because there isn't much she can say in her defense. She could say that she hadn't told her mother about Katie because it felt good being taken care of, like Anthea did after what happened and she didn't want to ruin that. She could say that, but she doesn't, because shit like that always ends up trapped in her throat because she is terrified of saying it and giving them the impression that she's got a fucking heart, or something.

Her mother stares at her some more, like she is looking at someone she doesn't know, and then she just says, "You know what, maybe you're right. I don't know you, never will." She pauses and turns her face to the couch again, murmuring "Not like this anyway. Fucking miss my daughter."

Her words actually hurt, mostly because Effy agrees with them.

She remembers how she used to be, how she'd help Tony and his friends fix their problems so efficiently, and wonders why she can't do the same with her own group of; whatever all of them are to each other, instead of just destroying everything she touches.

She thinks a lot about one of Tony's friends, Cassie.

Effy never spent much time with Cassie, she only got together with Tony's gang after Michelle decided she would be a great shag for Sid, so she wasn't around as long as the others, but when Cassie started to deal Effy would visit her sometimes, and she found herself quickly fascinated with the other girl.

She saw herself in Cassie's wide eyes.

It didn't matter that they seemed different in other people's eyes; Cassie used to hide her pain behind her lop-sided smiles and her ever present Wows in the same way Effy hid hers with her silence and her piercing gazes. Cassie would wait for things to go terribly, terribly wrong with fake cheerfulness just like Effy would wait for the world to fall apart wearing a mask of indifference, and on the inside they would both bleed, non-stop.

After she helped Sid and Cassie get back together, Effy would always ask Tony how Cassie was doing. It wasn't like she was rooting against her and Sid, it was just that she knew things only get worse and worse and Cassie was a proof of that, even if it was sad and unfair; someone that lovely in so much pain all the time.

Every time she asked, Tony's answer would confirm her predictions.

Cassie and Sid are back together and just fine sis, thanks to you.

Cassie is weirder than usual and snapping at Michelle even though she knows we're together again.

Chris is dead and Cassie was the one who found him so she disappeared.

I believe Cassie fucked off to the States.

Sid went after Cassie and they're playing cat and rat in New York because she doesn't want to be found.

Last time she asked, Tony's rushed answer was, Cassie tried to kill herself again, Sid is a bloody mess so I'm taking the next flight to New York.

Effy sort of loved Cassie and felt like they would have the same end. It was a comforting thought before; for some reason now it's just painful.

She doesn't have the balls to ask again.

Effy showers fast, remembering when she used to take her time in the bathroom just for the fun of hearing her father screaming obscenities from the other side of the door, banging on it with his fist. It feels like it happened in another life, and Effy can't believe she actually misses her stupid father, and all the things that used to annoy her.

Katie annoyed her to death.

Effy tries not to think about her, but after the friendly talk with her mother, Katie won't leave her mind. She doesn't remember much of that night, everything is a blur and she isn't even sure that everything that haunts her brain actually happened; Katie telling her about something in her hair, the two of them laughing, Katie crying and Effy hugging her.

Katie slapping her, spitting on her and then choking her.

That memory hits her so vividly that she almost slips and when she stares into the mirror and her terrified eyes stare back, it's difficult to breath.

Things with Freddie don't work out, and it's not a surprise for no one but him. They stay together until there's less than one week left before college starts again and it's more about the fact that Effy doesn't have anywhere else to be than anything else.

At home things only got worse when her father; the pussy, showed up with divorce papers, because suddenly he wants out and that was all it took for her mother to start all over again with the booze and the pills and her stand up career.

She could go to Panda's, but Effy still doesn't know how to face her. So she stays with Freddie.

Still, one day she gets tired of doing something that clearly won't work and turns to leave.

"So this is it? All the shit that happened for this?" He asks.

"Pathetic, isn't it?" She says wryly, but when she sees the hopeless look on his face she remembers too, of all the shit that happened just so they could be together; JJ without his friends, Cook heartbroken and Katie, nine stitches on her temple. "I'm sorry," She says, and she means it.

He shakes his head and sits down, "Not fucking enough, Effy."

"I know," she answers and leaves.

Effy walks until it's night and finds a club. She immediately gets fucked up. The mass of people and the smoke are familiar but there's no Cook jumping up and down next to her while she dances, no Pandora happily embarrassing herself, no Freddie gazing at her from the bar, no Naomi rolling her eyes with Emily on her tail, and definitely no Katie dancing next to her, trying to steal other people's attention.

She is all alone.

Some guy takes the opportunity to get close from behind and she just goes for it, the idea of leaning on someone really appealing at the moment. Both of his hands lay on her shoulders and she is almost enjoying herself, she is almost forgetting things; when there is some fight in the crowd and everyone starts being pushed around. The guy behind her curls one of his hands subconsciously around her neck, trying not to lose her while his other hand squeezes her shoulder hard.

It's only for a second, but it's enough to take her back to Gobbler's End, back to the ground gasping for air as two small, but strong hands still squeeze her neck, until she is almost passing out.

Effy freaks out and jumps, hitting the back of her head against the guy's face, before running out of the club.

It's cold outside, and she panics because the lights of the street are almost blinding her and she can't breathe properly. Sitting on the sidewalk, she realizes that she is terrified, high, alone and that most importantly, she needs to change. For her-fucking-self.

When she calms down she takes a bus home, staring at her mobile the whole time.

Effy makes the call the next day, leaving a message that says: "I need to talk to you. Try fucking care for once and call me back. Wanker."

She has learned during the years that calling Tony a wanker makes him react faster. At least this hasn't changed.

"So what's up sis?" He is in such a good mood when he calls back that Effy can't help feeling bitter about it, but it's not Tony's fault he is away, studying and doing fine; fucking brilliantly if you ask her, and there is no point in updating him about every bad thing that happens in the Stonem house. Or what's left of it.

"Lots of shit happened. Because of me." She says as she wraps his old bed sheet around her.

"Effy," he almost sings, "I know you don't like to talk, but I need something to work with."

Minutes pass with both of them in silence. It makes her remember why she misses Tony so fucking much; because he gets her and just lets her be, or whatever. No one else does that. Except for Panda. Whom, she realizes immediately, she misses like hell as well.

She tells him everything. About her and Freddie, and her and Cook, and even Cook and Pandora (Tony loves Panda - when she isn't staring at his cock), and she tells him about Katie. It doesn't take her more than five sentences for her to do so, but it's still the most she has ever talked without stopping (Tony will make this observation later. Wanker).

When she finishes he stays quiet for a moment and then sighs.

"I see." He doesn't call her stupid, or mocks her, or hangs up on her because he does see; Tony knows what it's like to watch everything around you falling apart knowing that you're the cause of it.

"I want - I need for things to change. Tell me what to do."

"Ef, I don't know why you think I'd..."

"Come on Tone. You've done it. Just fucking tell me how." She grips the phone hard, silently begging him to do so, because if Tony tells her there is nothing else to be done it's because there's not.

"You won't be able to do it alone," he says in that practical voice he uses when he starts talking intellectual bullshit that he assumes everyone knows about.

"And what's that supposed to mean?"

"Go to your best friend," he says simply. "They're usually the first ones we fuck over, and the first ones to forgive us."

This is the first time that Effy's gone to Pandora's house after that Pyjama Party and yeah; that went so well. She stares at the door exactly like she did the morning after the party and when she hears movement on the other side of it she fears for a second that Cook will be on the other side.

It's only Pandora's mother though.

"Wha-what do you want?" She asks with such a high pitched voice and wide eyes that Effy knows that she's heard by now about the things the real Effy Stonem is capable of, and she feels almost grateful, because she's in no mood for fucking around.

"I need to talk to Panda," she says, as nicely as she can.

"My daughter has nothing to talk to you! You've got some nerve coming back to Bristol after what you did; why haven't you been arrested? I can't believe I let my daughter spend so much time with a delinquent like you!" The woman, Angela; Effy remembers, shrieks and Effy almost rolls her eyes at her but decides to cut to the chase.

She gets painfully close to the woman, almost nose to nose and whispers in her most vicious tone. "Maybe if you hadn't spent your time shooting amateur porn with your neighbor, you would've realized earlier the bad influence I was to Panda, Ms. Moon."

Effy sighs. So much for trying to change.

The expression on her face is priceless, and if Effy had any more strength she would laugh, "Can you call Panda now, please?"

Her mother doesn't have to, after some seconds where she tries to recover her ability to speak, Pandora shows up with her mouth and hands full of cookies, and when she sees Effy her expression sobers up completely.

"Hey Panda." Effy says, ignoring Angela, who seems torn between punching Effy in the face or using her hands to cover her daughter's ears to protect Pandora from whatever Effy might tell her.

"Eff. You're back," she says and Effy can tell she is getting dizzy with so many thoughts flowing through her mind.

"Yeah, I'm back." Effy replies softly. "Can we talk?"

"'Course but..." Panda starts, still with her mouth full but trails off looking uncertain to her mother.

"Your mother doesn't mind. She was just telling me so, right?" Effy guesses Pandora's hesitation and when her mother stares at her outraged, she just gives the woman her best menacing glare to let her know that she will open her mouth if she needs to, because fuck it if she thinks Effy will let slip from her the one person who's always gave a fuck about her.

"Right." Angela says with an expression of someone who was forced to eat a plate of shit.

Pandora smiles faintly, and says: "Whizzer then. Come on Eff." But there is no enthusiasm in her voice.

After Effy takes off her trainers - she doesn't want to piss Angela off more than necessary - she follows Pandora into the kitchen. They stare at each other until Pandora puts some brownies in front of her. When Effy doesn't touch any of them, she says, "Eat some Eff, you look real thin."

"I'm fine." Effy says, rolling her eyes. Even though it's been ages since she ate properly, she feels no hunger whatsoever.

She doesn't understand why her answer pisses Pandora off, but it does. Her eyes narrow and Effy doesn't remember ever seeing her friend like this; like Effy slapped her or something.

"Bog off Effy! It's been ages since you came back and just now you decide to see me, so you shut up and eat my bloody brownies!" Effy doesn't even know how to react, she just stares at Pandora in shock because it's the first time she actually snaps at Effy and she's not crying like when she was when they fought at her party, she just seems mad and Effy feels sick because Pandora is not supposed to be this bitter and this sad. Not her Panda.

For once her face must show how she feels because Pandora's shoulders slump, she sighs and says "I'm sorry. Just eat them, yeah? They're brill, I made them myself. Then we'll talk."

Effy nods and starts eating one of them, and they're pretty good actually. She eats another before she starts talking. "I'm sorry."

"What for?" Pandora asks.

Effy doesn't even know what she feels sorry for when it comes to Panda, for underestimating her, or taking her for granted, or ignoring her because she felt like it. For failing to see that she kept fucking Cook and screwed up what she had with Thomas, or waiting until the last moment to talk to her.

"I'm just sorry." Effy sighs and her eyes tear up and she hates it, because she never cries, but when she does it's hell to stop. When Pandora sees the look on her face, she looks back at her with agony.

"No Eff, don't cry..." she pleads and jumps off of the counter and hugs Effy, like all the time they spent apart never happened. "It's fine, really. I just wanted you to know that I might be useless but I'm still your friend, you can't just -"

"You're not useless." Effy cuts her off and stares at her seriously. Pandora smiles, sadly, like she is grateful for Effy's words but she doesn't believe them.

"Okay."

"No, it's not okay. You don't believe me. You're not useless. You're a fucking good friend, Panda. You still care even though I just destroy everything I touch. You're fucking wicked, Panda," she says and Panda smiles again, like she is trying her best to believe Effy.

"You just said wicked," she whispers excitedly.

Effy manages a small smile. "Yeah I did. Because that's what you are. And you're not useless."

"Fine," Panda agrees, and then she stares at Effy with a serious expression. "And you don't destroy everything, Eff."

"I do, Panda." Effy says defeated, wiping her tears.

"No you don't. If I'm not useless then you don't destroy everything. You don't mean it, Effy." Panda says so fervently that Effy asks herself why the fuck it took her so long to go to her.

"But I do, anyway."

"Well, you'll stop. I'll help you. You see Eff, I don't like the way things are now." Pandora sighs, and though she is not crying or anything, her expression troubles Effy. It's like she is in pain and that confuses her to no end.

"I don't like it either Panda. But there's no way to make things like they were before."

"I know that, stupid." Pandora says and for the first time since Effy came back, she sees a glint of the old Panda when her friend gives her a hesitant smile. "But as I'm not useless and you don't destroy everything you touch, I think that we could try making things better than they were before! What do you think, wouldn't that be wicked?"

If things were like they used to be, Effy would just roll her eyes and walk away, but they're not and Panda is staring at her with those wide eyes. It's terrifying to have someone have this much faith in her after everything that happened, but it's Panda; and she gets Effy, always has, and likes her even though she is a fucking mess. She's the only one that Effy has, indefinitely, so Effy nods faintly and says, "Okay. I suppose we can try."

Just as the words leave Effy's mouth Pandora smiles that huge, contagious smile of hers and she is Panda again, and Effy breathes a sigh of relief because for the first time since she got back to Bristol, she finally feels like she's home.

Sleep doesn't come easy to Effy since she started sleeping alone again. There is no Cook or Freddie anymore, so every time she falls sleep and starts twitching in her dreams there is no one to shake her awake.

She dreams of Gobbler's End; of Katie staring down at her a with blank expression as her hands squeeze Effy's neck harder and harder until the moment Effy's hand find the stone on the ground and there is no other way to save herself but smashing it into the side of Katie's head.

She starts dreading to sleep and wondering how worse things will get once she actually starts seeing Katie every day at school.

She doesn't have to wait until college starts again to figure it out.

The first time she sees Katie is in a club. She is alone, Panda is out with Thomas and she can't think of sleep; the dreams keep happening and she is looking for distraction. As in drinks and pills, of course.

Before she can get to the bar her eyes rest on Katie. Her hair has changed; it's a lot darker now and it suits her; and well, her clothes haven't changed much. She is wearing a tight top and an incredibly short skirt and Effy guesses it's probably working at making people notice her. She just guesses though, because she doesn't take her eyes of Katie the whole time.

While she looks good, something is off about her. Katie is not in the middle of the dance floor rubbing up against some bloke as Effy witnessed many times. She's at the bar drinking and rolling her eyes at JJ and Cook. Katie keeps tucking her hair behind her ear, her hand resting just for a second on the scar that Effy knows is there even though it's impossible to see, and every time she does it she immediately looks around herself self-consciously. She does it at least three times in a short period of time, every time seeming mad at herself for doing it.

Effy then realizes that she didn't just leave Katie a scar; she fucking broke her.

At the same time she feels guilty about it, she also feels a immediate pull towards Katie and for the first time since they met, she actually finds the possibility of being close to Katie appealing.

"Don't." A familiar voice says, right behind her and when she turns to face them it's Naomi. Her hair is longer and though her expression is serious Effy notices something different in her face. That glow that's on one's face when they finally get together with the person they chose to be with, that was never on her face, not even with Freddie.

Especially with Freddie.

"Don't what?" she asks Naomi and watches with genuine interest as Naomi stops for a second, seeming embarrassed of what she is about to say.

"Whatever you were just thinking." she nods at Katie's direction. "Don't okay? Don't go there and fuck things up again, 'cause this is like the first time she is out, actually trying to get her shit back together."

If Effy doesn't know how to feel about Katie being like this yet, she definitely doesn't know what to do with Naomi standing up for her, so she changes the subject. "Where's your better half, Naomi?"

She gets the satisfaction of seeing Naomi blushing as she explains, "You heard about that, uh?" And yes, Effy did. Panda not only told her about the whole ball fiasco but also reenacted the fight between Katie and Emily (as well her wicked dance with Doug). "Emily is grounded, she fought with her mum again and I promised her that I'll be like, Katie's chaperone from afar, or something. Because of all people she decided to go out with JJ and Cook, and if she decides to do something stupid they'll probably help her instead of stopping her."

They both glance again at Katie, who keeps emptying her glass just to have it be instantaneously filled again.

She turns to Naomi again, "Am I supposed to just fuck off for good then? I tried, but it wasn't very successful."

"Just - look," Naomi stutters and Effy can tell she is feeling guilty about not having Effy's back on this and it's almost sweet, really. "Wait okay? I know things are shit and I know that a lot more than you thinking that smashing her head with a rock would be fun happened in Gobbler's End, but wait until you talk to her, okay?"

Effy looks at Katie once more and shrugs. "Okay. It's not like this is the only club in Bristol." Naomi is probably right; talking to Katie now will probably make things worse. And yes, they can get a lot worse.

They always do.

"Yeah," Naomi agrees and completes almost sheepishly, "And you can call me. If you want." When Effy raises an eyebrow, she snaps defensively, "What? Just because Ems and I are Roundview's fucking rainbow couple now doesn't mean she gets to tell me who to talk to."

Effy smirks a little. "I'm sorry, I just always assumed Emily would be the one wearing the pants in a relationship between you two."

"Fuck off."

"That's what I'm doing." Effy says as she walks away.

When she's almost out of the club she hears Naomi's shout "But call me!" and it makes her feel a little bit better.

The first day; especially the first class, is a weird one.

Effy is used to people staring at her and it doesn't matter if before was thanks to admiration, and now curiosity over the girl who almost killed a friend. She just ignores them. What annoys her is that Freddie is there right next to her locker, like a dog waiting for his master, and then like a dog that was kicked by his master when Effy doesn't even look at him.

He only leaves when Cook literally drags him through the hall and JJ gives her a disappointed look before heading to Kieran's class.

She sits in the back and makes sure to look bored. Panda comes in holding hands with Thomas and gives her a wide smile that Effy responds with a nod. She sits with Thomas but keeps sending Effy smiles and giving her thumbs up; her bizarre way to show that the they're okay and it's ridiculous how much Effy has missed Panda.

Freddie comes in with Cook and JJ and as soon he sits down the room immediately reeks of spliff. Effy ignores him.

Naomi and Emily arrive next and they look like a couple from a chick flick; a gay one anyway. Except that they split and Naomi sits right next to Effy, telling her "Didn't call me, cunt," and Emily sits on the front, placing her bag in the empty seat next to her.

"Is this some sort of security scheme?" Effy turns to Naomi, but the blonde just shrugs and looks like she's saying Just doing my job (and Emily must be fucking amazing in bed, Effy reckons). Before Effy can snap at her with Don't you want to check my pockets for rocks, Katie walks in.

She walks so fast that Effy can barely see her face, and then settles besides Emily. She doesn't acknowledge Effy once, and Effy feels like she finally understands what's like to be Freddie now, although she's not sure why she wants so badly Katie to fucking notice her out of nowhere.

It's the first time they're all together since Gobbler's End, and even though they're all sitting far from each other and they're clearly not the only people in the room, it feels like they are, and that something is about to explode at any moment.

She would laugh if she wasn't so concentrated in watching the way Katie keeps wriggling her hands and keeps her head almost motionless, as if she is afraid to move it too much to a side she might end up meeting an unwelcome face.

In the corner of her eyes Effy notices that Naomi keeps looking from her to Katie the whole class, seeming amused. When the bell rings and Katie stands up in a rush to leave the room and Effy's eyes follow her with no discretion at all, Naomi bursts into laugher and everyone stares at her. She ignores all of them talks directly to Effy, "Now that is fucked up!"

Everyone in class including Kieran think Naomi went mad, but Effy finally gets what she means. And yeah, she is right.

It's pretty fucked up.

Things stay like that for a week.

At home her mother keeps drinking and swearing at men in the newspaper, and at school Katie does everything she can to avoid Effy, while Freddie takes every opportunity he's got to send her wounded looks.

Effy ignores Freddie, and watches Katie.

Naomi and Panda try to divide themselves between being with Effy and then with their fucking sweethearts. Naomi for obvious reasons and Panda because Effy tries to stay away from Thomas these days; he no longer smiles widely at her when he sees her. Instead his eyes are accusatory and she is not sure for what reason, he probably thinks she should've been on Pandora's side when she needed her instead of helping her to throw herself at Cook. At least this is what she thinks.

At lunch they all sit together; Katie, Emily and Naomi with Panda and Thomas and even the boys; though Cook keeps his distance from Thomas and Panda. They sit next to Emily and Naomi, and Freddie sulks on a corner, sometimes talking to Thomas.

Effy spends lunchtime at the back of the school smoking.

Naomi doesn't talk to her about that first day of class, but she gives Effy that knowing smile, the one that Effy used to give Emily when she tried to pretend she wasn't chasing after Naomi all the time.

It's pretty fucking annoying.

"What?" She snaps at Naomi one day at English and Naomi blinks innocently.

"What?"

"Is there something you want to say to me?"

"You were staring again." Naomi says and waits for Effy to respond.

Effy sighs and looks at Katie and realizes that she was, in fact, staring again. English is actually the best class to do it; all of them have to sit in a circle so Effy can look at Katie plenty.

"Of course I was staring," she rolls her eyes. "It's what I fucking do, Naomi."

"No, don't give me that shit. I know you." When Effy snorts at that, Naomi corrects, "Okay, kinda, but that was not your usual stare." she says so proud of herself that Effy feels her eyes narrowing.

"What fucking stare was that, then?"

Naomi almost bounces on her seat; it's like she's been waiting for Effy to ask her this for some time now and Effy concludes she liked Naomi better when she was just a moody bitch.

"It was the stare from someone that apparently forgot the lip over the lisp!" Naomi beams, and if Effy was the kind of person who punched people in the face, she'd probably punch Naomi.

"You know, I think I'll take the risk and start talking to Emily again, just so I can tell her you make fun her sister behind her back," she says smoothly, and makes a move to stand.

"Oh fuck you, sit down!" Naomi sobers up and holds Effy in her seat. "Girl can't have a laugh now, eh?"

"I was right wasn't I? Emily is the one wearing the pants." She smirks and Naomi just shrugs in defeat.

"Whatever. It doesn't mean I'm not right about this." Naomi insists and nods her head at Katie. Katie catches Naomi's eye and gamely mouths Cunt at her, and smirks when Naomi flips her off.

Her expression is dark when she notices Effy's gaze on her.

"Definitely right." Naomi says.

On a Monday, Effy decides it's time to talk to Katie.

So she sits on the sink in the girl's bathroom smoking and waiting for Katie to show up when the bell rings. It's a habit that used to make Effy roll her eyes; between all the classes Katie would drag her to the girls' room to check her makeup and hair in the mirror.

When Katie storms in, it takes her some seconds to notice Effy and when she does her eyes go wide and she seems tempted to leave the room. After a moment she takes a deep breath and just approaches the sink to fix her make up, as if there's no one next to her.

Effy's eyes narrow. If she learned anything since her first day back at Roundview, it's that she doesn't respond well to being ignored.

She takes her time watching Katie working on her face, the way her jaw is clenched and her face is flushed. Effy doesn't want to act like a cunt; but then again, that's all she is, so she doesn't stop the smirk on her face as she leans just a little bit closer to Katie (and she can swear Katie fucking squirms for a second) and lowers her eyes to Katie's whole figure, taking in the tight top and the skirt that gets shorter and shorter by the day.

She is about to say something sleazy; something Cook would say, but when she looks up she's close enough to see Katie's scar, and she freezes.

Apparently Katie sees what happens in the mirror, because next thing she knows they're both just staring at each other, so close that she can smell Katie's perfume. Katie seems scared and yet unable to take her eyes of Effy's. She feels in a painful urge to touch her scar.

"Can't we just talk?" Effy asks instead, and hates herself for sounding so desperate, but she just wants to reach out to Katie, and explain that she never fucking meant any of that; and while she hasn't got any scars to show she still feels a pressure on her neck that makes her throat close, and that it is not fucking fair that everything was blamed on her just because she's Effy Stonem and shit like that happens to her, and around her.

Katie opens her mouth to speak and Effy thinks she looks like she's about to cave, but then she closes her eyes and when she opens them she doesn't look at Effy. "No, we can't. Just, get the fuck out of my way, yeah?" She answers, and walks away.

That night Effy's dream is different.

Katie is still choking her but this time when Effy runs her hand over the ground all she finds is dirt and leaves; there is no rock.

When she looks up, Katie's face isn't blank anymore. Her eyes are shining and it's like she knows what Effy was looking for and Effy feels guilty, even though she didn't really do anything. Even though she is the one that was attacked, she wants to say sorry but Katie doesn't let her.

She leans until Effy can feel her breath on her cheek and there's a quirk on the corner of her lips that grows at the same time that her hands press harder and harder on her neck.

Katie's got a full smile on her face by the time everything goes black.

The next day Panda starts coming over to stay the night; just like old times.

Fuck her mum.

In that first night Panda has to wake her up three times. After the last time she says carefully, "I heard you saying Katie."

Effy nods. "Yeah."

"You two should talk."

"I know Panda." Effy says and her voice is harsher than she intended to be.

"I just thought we were trying to make things right." She shrugs sadly.

Effy sits and stares at her. "Katie won't talk to me Panda. I tried but she won't. What you suggest me to do, hit her on the head again so she'll stop running away?"

She rubs her face and lies on her back again because she is just so tired. "Sorry. It's not your fault." Effy sighs when she sees that Panda is still staring at her with a sad expression.

"It's okay Eff." Panda smiles reassuringly and settles next to Effy, hugging her side. "We'll sort this out."

Effy is not sure what Pandora means by this, but she sleeps the rest of the night peacefully anyway.

Two days later Panda drags Effy to her house, saying that she and Thomas are going out on a date and Panda wants Effy's opinion on what to wear. She insists on it even when Effy explains that she doesn't give a fuck about clothes, and has never been on a proper date before.

It's just when they get to the house and Panda leads her to the living room instead of her bedroom, that Effy realizes she is being set up. It's not a very good feeling; she knows Panda means no harm, but still, it's annoying to realize that she hasn't been as perceptive as she used to be.

"Panda," she says as she throws herself on the couch, watching as Panda passes anxiously in front of her. "What are we really doing here?"

"Well, I promised I'd help you right Eff? So I did." Pandora answers with a big grin and jumps when the door bell rings.

Effy doesn't bother to follow her and freezes just for a second when she hears a familiar voice going, "Where the fuck is she, then?"

Then Katie is standing in front of her, trying to look defiant. She almost manages doing so, Effy thinks, if weren't for the way one of her hands clutches her purse and that her flawless outfit is missing the shoes she had to leave before stepping into the house.

And she fidgets under Effy's gaze.

"So, you'll just keep fucking staring at me then?" Katie snaps. "I thought you wanted to talk."

"I do." Effy replies immediately because she doesn't want Katie to leave.

"Okay then." Katie says almost gingerly as she sits on the couch as far as possible from Effy. Effy watches her every movement, especially how Katie flinches when their eyes meet again.

"Got any spliff?" Katie asks tilting her head to the side.

"No."

Katie seems clearly surprised at that and Effy wonders if she's got a reputation of burnout as big as Freddie's.

"Well I do!" Panda shouts excitedly and both Effy and Katie stare at her, Effy wasn't even aware that Panda was still around. "Since you two were going to talk, I thought it would be easier with some spliff yeah? My aunt says it helps us to avoid agony flips." She hands them two perfectly rolled spliffs.

"So I can't wear my shoes in here but smoking it's a go?" Katie asks in an indignant tone as she takes the lighter Effy offers almost in reflex, like they used to do when they would hang out together.

"Well mom never gets the smell. I mean she does, but she doesn't know what it is. But when it comes to shoes she just knows when someone didn't take them off, and she gets totally ra-ra about it." Pandora explains and starts to walk away.

"Where are you going?" Effy asks.

"To my date silly! I wasn't lying about that. You can stay and talk, just don't throw a party okay? Mom still cries remembering about that last one."

And with that she takes off, leaving Effy and Katie staring at each other.

"So. You want to talk." Katie rolls her eyes when Effy just nods. "Fucking talk, then."

Suddenly all the things she has been waiting to say leave her mind, so Effy just tries to sound as honest as she can when she says, "I'm sorry."

Katie gives her a disbelieving laugh. "That's it then? You're sorry?"

"I am. Were you expecting me to say something else?" Effy inquires and waits for an explosion.

It never comes.

"'Course not." Katie shrugs and looks away quickly. "Fine."

"Fine?"

"Yeah, you're sorry, I accept your apology." Katie talks slowly like she's talking to a retarded.

"Just like this?" Effy asks. Something about this talk of them is oddly anti-climatic, she realizes.

Apparently Katie is more perceptive than Effy ever gave her credit for, because she gives Effy a knowing smirk. "You were waiting for me to attack you or something weren't you? Fucking love the drama, yeah?"

"I never said that."

"You don't have to. Anyway, I'm not giving you the satisfaction. I'm just accepting your shitty sorry because I'm fucking tired of dodging in the hallways just because you keep staring at me as if I owe you money. You're the one who screwed up anyway." Then turns her full attention to the spliff. "This is good shit. Where does Panda find this stuff?"

"Her aunt. The same kind we sold to help Thomas, remember?"

"How could I forget, that fucking gangsters almost killed us." She snorts and then glares at Effy. "Just 'cause I accepted your apology doesn't mean we're friends," she frowns and then corrects, "Or whatever was that we were, right?"

"Okay." Effy agrees and keeps watching Katie intently, "Why did you change your mind about talking to me?"

Katie stays silent for so long that Effy thinks she is not going to answer but then she sighs and says softly, "I wasn't high, okay? I remember everything." Her eyes go from Effy's face to her neck and she licks her lips nervously. "So I figured it's for the best, we trying to be civil to each other, yeah?"

It's not at all like Effy expected; their talk, but it is something, almost like they're on even ground now, even if Katie didn't say sorry back. Effy wasn't expecting that anyway; she didn't even expect this admission so she nods. "Okay."

They remain silent then and finish their spliff pretty much at the same time and leave in opposite directions with just a nod as goodbye.

Like Effy expected, things don't change drastically.

What changes is that when Katie sees her for the first time after their talk at school, instead of taking another direction or pretend not to see her she will nod at her briefly; her expression nonchalant but her eyes never meeting Effy's, and Effy will whisper Hello and watch as Katie walks away, her insanely high heels making a noise that Effy learns to distinguish rather quickly.

Sometimes when Effy is talking to Naomi, Emily and Katie stop and Effy gets to watch Katie fidgeting as her sister sucks face with her girlfriend. Katie's still self-conscious around Effy, and Effy is aware that it's partially her fault because well, their talk didn't stop her from staring at Katie at every chance she's got. She tries to, but something about how Katie carries herself these days just gets Effy's attention.

It's like Katie is finally letting her guard down to show what she actually is; and that happens to be someone falling apart. Effy's urge to reach for Katie is almost physical, although she is not sure she wants to help the other girl to stay put and fix what she's done or to finish the job and make her crumble completely.

Cook shows up one day when Effy is smoking during lunch. He greets her with that cheeky grin of his, that still kind of charms her so she smiles slightly at him. "Alright Cook?"

"You bet princess." Her replies immediately and his eyes flash for a second, as if she word princess just slip from his mouth without him noticing.

"What are you doing here?" She asks attempting to distract him from his own thoughts.

His silly grin comes back and she knows she has succeeded. For the moment anyway.

"You don't know what happens this week, yeah?" He asks still grinning but at the same time he looks kind of disappointed with the answer Effy hasn't even given him yet.

"It's your birthday, Cook." Effy answers rolling her eyes like she thinks he's an idiot for thinking that she'd forget. If she is honest to herself Effy's got no idea how she remembers that.

It still makes him give her a big smile, and she grins at him. Effy feels bad because Cook really loved; probably still loves, her, and if only she could care for him the way he does, instead of using him as an emergency plan.

"You didn't forget, I'm touched babe." He says with false chivalrous, both of his hands on his chest, and Effy knows he is being sincere.

"Yeah, I didn't." She agrees and blows some smoke slowly on his face.

"Awesome! So, I'm having a party and everyone's going to be there. You too." He announces as he inhales as much of her smoke as he can with a dirty smirk.

"I don't know Cook."

"Why not? There will be no gangster party this time, I promised JJ." He says like that is actually Effy's reason to not to go.

"You know my problem is not with gangters."

"You think I don't know what your problem is? You think I forgot that?" he asks and for once he's not hiding what he feels behind a stupid smile. His eyes are hard and for a second Effy wants to close the distance between them and do what she does best; fuck things up even worse.

This time, she doesn't.

"I know all of that Cook." Effy says instead, and touches his face for a second, taking her hand away when Cook flinches like her touch burns. "Sorry." She completes and she is not talking about missing his party.

His shoulders slump and his expression softens, like she knows it only happens to her, and he nods resigned. "Alright do what you want. Just think about it, yeah? You can all say that my party was shit, but we had fun. We should try again, before we all split for good." He says quietly like he is upset for having to say this out loud, and then he just grins again and kisses her on the cheek, and walks away literally jumping, like everything is okay.

This thing of trying to fix shit is starting to become a pain in the arse, Effy thinks.

The next day Effy is surprised to find not Freddie with his lost puppy expression, or Naomi with her bored one standing next to her locker, but Katie, looking nervous and yet determined.

It's remarkably alike that first day of school, when Effy spotted Katie casually leaning on the lockers and introduced herself with the certainty that they would rule the school together.

It was all so fucking ridiculous.

"Katie." She greets cordially with a smirk that she knows gets on Katie's nerves these days as much as her indifference used to in the past.

"Why you're not coming to Cook's party?" Effy rises an eyebrow at how straight to the point she is and she rolls her eyes. "Just answer the fucking question."

Effy closes her locker and leans against it casually, watching as the other students pass, her arms touching Katie's shoulder for a second. She smirks again when she feels Katie tensing up against her, "I just don't think it's a good idea."

When she looks down at Katie, the girl looks downright indignant. It's cute, she decides. "Not a good idea? Aren't you a fucking genius? 'Course it's a shitty idea. And I'm sure this party will be as awful as the last one," she frowns and then glares at Effy, "That doesn't mean you get to miss it while we attend to that fucking disaster."

Effy laughs wryly and starts to walk to class and to her surprise Katie follows her. For the first time since she met Katie, it doesn't bother her. "I'm just not going, okay." She says patiently and that only seems to make Katie more irritated.

"You're not coming just because I am, right?" she asks as they both step into class and their whole group stares at the sight of them together, talking. "Because you know, I accepted your shitty apology so we would stop acting like fucking kids."

When Effy takes her seat Katie just stands in front her with her arms crossed, that posture enough to make most people think she is about to kick Effy's ass. "Why do you even care Katie?" Effy answers tiredly and Katie's eyes sparkle, like she knows she is winning the argument.

"Cook wants you there, okay? He wants all of us there for some reason. Fuck, he even invited Panda and Thomas. We should do what he wants. Except if he asks us to crash at another gangster party, of course."

"Okay. Whatever." Effy agrees and Katie's satisfied smirk makes her curious. "I didn't know you cared so much about Cook."

"Well, of course I fucking don't." Katie gives her a horrified look that is priceless and then sits right in front of her, surprising Effy again. When she settles her things at the table she turns around and continues, "But somehow, don't ask me fucking how, Ems and the Cunt are like his best buds or something so suddenly, they care. Which means Ems keeps annoying me because she thinks you're not coming because of me." she finishes and when she's about to turn ahead again Effy clears her throat.

"Best buds?"

"Yeah, it's retarded right?" Katie turns around again, looking nonplussed about Effy's attention on her for once. "I bet he's probably giving one of them away at their gay marriage."

Effy snorts at that. "Now that's a little too soon, don't you think?"

"Babes if you knew Ems like I do, you'd be probably shopping for your shirt that you'll pretend to be a dress right now." She says and Effy actually smiles at that.

That seems to make Katie snap back to reality and realize that they've been talking friendly for some time now, so she pales and turns her attention to the teacher, without saying another word during the whole class.

When class is over she stands before Effy again, like she hasn't just babbled with no pause and then completely ignored Effy and says, "Just fucking go, yeah? We won't become fucking BFF's thanks to one lame party."

Except that they do.

There must be some kind of curse in Cook because while he can be the life of many parties, when it comes to his own, they're all fucking lame.

At least there are more people than last year, so the tension is not as palpable as Effy expected but still, the only ones having some fun are the ones she's got no idea who the fuck they are.

Cook looks happy enough though; his delighted smile when he sees her makes her glad that she decided to come. She kisses him lightly on the cheek and allows him to give her one of his bear hugs.

"Look who showed up!" Naomi says with this excited voice that means she's already soaked and Emily smiles shyly at Effy.

"I'm glad Katie convinced you to come." Emily says as she wraps her arm around Naomi who's almost tripping while standing.

"Yeah, how can Effy resist Katiekins right? She is fucking persuasive isn't she Eff?" Naomi slurs and grins and Emily just looks confused.

"God, you're fucking drunk." She says and runs her hand over Naomi's face gently, worry evident in her voice.

"Not enough Emily! Not enough, come on let's dance." Naomi tugs at Emily's hand but Emily resists.

"No, we promised JJ we were watching the cake."

"Why the fuck would you watch a cake?" Katie asks in disbelief and then nods to Effy in greeting when she notices her staring.

"You remember last year, right? Cook ate the thing in one bite and that is not happening again." Emily says and she doesn't even look embarrassed to say such a stupid thing.

"Fuck's sake, I don't what's worse if it's JJ having this idea or you actually helping him with it. Go dance you idiot." Katie says with a scowl.

"See Ems? Katiekins said she'll watch the cake! Come on." Naomi says as fast as she can and literally runs away with Emily on her grip.

"You fucking cunt!" Katie screams after her and Effy just laughs and lights a spliff. She turns to Effy. "Can you believe this? Do I fucking look like the loser who watches the cake?"

Effy takes her question seriously and measures Katie's figure, her short black skirt that could be mistaken for a belt, her high heels and the blood-red top that praises Katie's attributes perfectly.

"You definitely don't look like the person who watches the cake, Katie." Effy says slowly and licks her lips as she offers Katie her spliff.

Katie looks redder than Emily's hair, but she accepts the spliff with a glare. "It was fucking rhetorical but whatever. Lame party."

"Come on Katie, don't let that get to you. I'll watch the cake with you."

Katie snorts at that but doesn't seem embarrassed anymore. "Whatever."

Apparently watching the cake it's not the worst thing to do in a party because you can just drink non stop as you 'work' and soon Katie's face is flushed again but now it's just because she's fucking pissed and in a good mood, and Effy is not as drunk but her head is buzzing slightly and it's going better then she expected.

Few minutes later JJ stands before them and spends five minutes tripping on his words until he manages to ask Katie if she would like to dance, and he's so pathetic that after Katie manages to stop laughing her ass off, she actually accepts and drags him where the people are dancing. "Watch the fucking cake!" She yells at Effy.

JJ, the poor thing, actually meant to ask Katie to dance the slow song that was playing few minutes ago, but it took him so long to ask that now that they're dancing the song is loud and upbeat and everyone is jumping up and down he's got no idea of what to do.

Katie doesn't seem to care about that; Effy remembers that that disgusting boyfriend of hers couldn't dance to save his life either, so she takes both of JJ's hands and lands them on her hips with her back turned to him and stars dancing; as in rubbing against him and twirling her hips up and down to the sound of the music in a way that makes JJ look like he's in a mix of euphoria and despair.

Not that Effy can blame him. She really can't.

"JJ is about to explode there!" Cook exclaims and Effy's got no idea since when he's standing next to her as she ogles at Katie. "Not that I can blame him." He says licking his lips and Effy thinks not for the first time that maybe the fact that they're so alike is what made them impossible to work. She knows that's not really the reason, but it would make sense.

"Don't touch the fucking cake Cook." She says when he tries to get the thing from the table.

"What? You too? It's my birthday, my fucking cake!"

"I've been standing here for ages and if you eat this shit now Emily and Naomi will kick your balls, so fucking wait." She snaps because for some reason watching food as Katie dances with JJ is not that interesting anymore.

Katie's eyes lock on hers and then on Cook next to her just for a second. Then she turns her attention to JJ, who seems slightly less terrified by now.

"Fine." Cook says already distracted by the drinks. "Good party then?"

"The best." Effy agrees.

"They're not all here though." He says, and drinks a huge glass of vodka in one gulp.

"Yeah."

"Freds decided not to come. The pussy."

"And Panda and Thomas."

"Yeah! I fucking missed Panda. It's not the same if she's not dancing."

"Yeah." Effy agrees again but grows tense. They haven't talked about Panda and now it's not a good time to start.

"They're not doing well, are they?" Cook asks staring at the floor.

"No."

"I'm sorry. 'Bout her." He says trying to meet her eyes but she doesn't look at him.

"It's fine."

"S' not."

"No it's not. But you didn't do anything alone so." She shrugs. "You just shouldn't expect them to show up."

"Didn't hurt to try. We had good times together."

"There weren't that many times Cook." She says reasonably.

"Whatever princess. It was fucking fun." He says almost solemnly. "Maybe one day we'll get all together again."

"Sure Cook. If you say so." She agrees because well, sometimes she misses it, all of them together even if they were all weird, fucked up kids who got together because no one else would stand them.

He smiles at her and that's when Katie comes back with JJ on her tail.

"JJ! So how did you like the dance?" Cook screams at him.

"It was very exciting." He nods his head vigorously still staring at Katie and she smirks, clearly pleased by the attention.

"Yeah, you weren't the only one excited man!" He agrees and winks at Katie, and laughs when she flips him off. "Let's go, let's dance then." He says to JJ, blowing a kiss to Katie and giving Effy a smile.

Katie looks at her and fills a glass with something that Effy's not sure what it is. "Back to old mistakes then?" she asks wryly nodding to Cook.

Effy stares as her for a second and answers, "Actually, willing to make new ones."

If Katie gets what Effy means she never shows. She gets this look on her face that for once Effy cannot read and snorts.

"Somehow I doubt you'll have trouble with that babe."

They leave the party together when Freddie shows up unexpectedly and Cook turns into a five year old.

Katie says she's tired and Effy is not in the mood for Freddie's accusing glances. When she explains that to Katie as they walk through the street she gets a bitter laugh in response. "Got boring that fast, eh?"

Effy knows it's not the better answer but it's the truth, so she says, "I suppose so, yes."

"All worth it then?" Katie looks at her with a smirk that doesn't hide her resentment and Effy feels her patience vanishing.

"I thought you accepted my apology, Katie." She snaps. "And it wasn't like you believed Freddie was the love of your life, was it?"

Were this before; before Gobbler's End, Katie would look like she had just been slapped by Effy's tone and even look around to check if someone else saw it. Now she just looks at Effy from head to toe with this look that says Oh, I forgot you're a complete fuck up, and sighs.

"But I did believe you were my fucking friend." She says with no anger in her voice, just resignation and her shoulders slump a little, and for the first time Effy actually sees some resemblance between Katie and her sister.

Before Effy can think of anything to say Katie stops with a shrug. "Whatever, I did accept your apology. Just forget I said anything." She says and continues to walk slowly, to keep her rhythm the same as Effy's.

On the next day of class Effy is the one waiting next to Katie's locker by lunch time. Katie nods at her and waits for Effy to speak. When she doesn't Katie snorts. "So you're just here for your daily share of staring?"

"You had to know that, we weren't really friends, right?" It slips of her mouth before she knows; which is weird because Effy never speaks unless she thinks a lot about it before.

Katie sighs like she was expecting for this.

"I told you to forget about that."

"Just answer me." Effy blocks Katie's way and Katie actually looks kind of embarrassed and Effy doesn't feel any better, guilt hits her harder than she ever felt before because for a bizarre reason Katie actually believing they were friends makes things so much worse.

"Look, I wanted to be friends with you because I knew you were popular and shit, and I know you'd put up with me because I was mental enough to follow you in any retarded thing you decided to do but yeah, somewhere between snorting coke and taking MDMA with you I kinda believed were sort of friends." She admits and rolls her eyes in self-depreciating way. Then her voice drops. "I know it doesn't look like, and don't fucking tell anyone, but I am the dumb twin."

Katie's need to talk about this in this casual way only makes Effy feel worse, really, but she manages a half smirk just make sure Katie won't be more nervous than she already is.

"I'm sorry Katie." She says again and though she should be fucking pissed for apologizing so much she can't help it, and it feels worthy when Katie finally, for once, stares at her eyes. It seems like she believes Effy.

"Whatever. You already said that. Fine." She says and Effy grabs her arm before she gets the chance to walk away from her again.

Katie stops with such a startled look on her face that Effy immediately breaks the contact; she hasn't actually touched Katie since that damn night and apparently Katie wants to keep things that way.

"Maybe," Effy clears her throat and looks at Katie looking up at her(her heels are not that huge today). "We could try to be. Friends. This time." She completes and hating herself a little bit because she is sure she just sounded like JJ.

Katie actually smiles for a second; she has definitely noticed Effy's loss at words and it seems to make her pretty satisfied with herself. Than her eyes narrow a little and she stares at Effy again, up and down like she is a piece of clothing Katie is trying to decided if it's worth to be bought.

Now Effy just feels slightly like Sid.

"Where do you go on lunch time?" Katie asks instead of answering Effy.

"Out smoking." Effy shrugs. "Why?"

"I'm not sending you an official invitation, yeah?" Katie snaps and nods her head for Effy to follow her. "Come on."

When Effy arrives with Katie at the table they all share, all of them(except for Freddie and Thomas) act like Effy's been spending lunch with them since the first day of class. It's like they were all expecting her to show up eventually.

Panda beams and Naomi wriggles her eyebrows at her.

Effy does what she does best when she is not sure what the fuck is happening to her. She stays silent.

Being; or trying, being friends with Katie is not exactly what she expected. While she wasn't even sure what to expect, Effy didn't think it would be almost the same like when they were whatever they were before.

Katie might be different of what she used to be but she still parties like crazy, and Effy was never the one to say no to a chance to get fucked up and dance so that works just fine. They go out almost every night, most of the time with Emily and Naomi; Panda shows up less and less as things with Thomas gets worse and worse, so it's just the two of them getting fried as Naomi and Emily have sex anywhere they can like they're trying to beat a record.

Dancing it's fun and kind of thrilling; it's the only time that Katie doesn't give fuck if Effy is too close or even touches her, they dance around each other and lean towards the other when some block they're not into try to get closer.

Katie's wardrobe hasn't change much, and it never takes much time to get the boys' attention with the way she dances and the way her skirt hikes up her thigh every time she sinks through her knees. But Katie never seems interested in anyone, though totally into the attention, and Effy wonders what that means.

They don't talk much and that's another thing that hasn't changed.

When they do talk though, it's not like it used to be, with Katie babbling endlessly and Effy in total silence pretending not to listen to her. Katie still talks a lot and Effy is still quiet but now Effy answers her; sometimes even starts some stupid conversation just for the sake of watching Katie rolling her eyes and swearing at her.

Katie is not the same ridiculous cunt she used to be, but she is not the complete mess that Effy hoped she'd be either, all broken and bitter. Turns out Katie isn't as lost as Effy; and not nearly as fucked up. It's almost disappointing.

Except that it's not. Effy still wants to be around Katie.

They don't talk about Globber's End.

They don't talk about it and Katie's eyes almost never really meet Effy's, like it's painful to her or something. So Katie never stares at Effy for too long which is annoying but also kind of helpful because that way Effy can stare at Katie; her favorite activity these days, without having Katie complaining about it.

Except for this little detail, Effy doesn't think it would be wrong to say that Katie has never been this comfortable around her since they first met. It's weird. Not good or bad, just weird.

And intriguing.

Effy still has a lot of dreams, but not that many about Globber's. Not all of them that real anymore.

It takes Effy actually a surprising amount of time to fuck things up. When she does it though, it does the trick.

It's one of those nights that they are out alone, there's been a lot of those lately; Naomi gets bored fast and Emily gets horny even faster(Effy thinks she always is anyway) so they leave when Katie and Effy are just starting to get pissed.

No Emily and Naomi around means no one to gaze at them with accusing eyes while they're on their fucking afterglow judging them for getting pissed so the drinking and the MDMA is a lot more than the usual and when this bloke who's been trying to get; unsuccessfully, into Katie's pants for three nights offers some coke it's what it takes for them to get absolutely out of their fucking minds.

It's wonderful, Effy thinks, knows. It's been a long time since she felt this high(since Globber's End and those mushrooms) and there are too many colors in the darkness of the club and she feels like she is floating and she loves that feeling so much; always has, just floating through the mass of people as they move, nothing on her mind. When she listens faintly her name followed by a cunt she opens her eyes and sees Katie trying to reach for her.

She is laughing and Effy guesses she just spaced out for some time and she tries to push her way through people as Katie does the same. It's ridiculous that Katie beats Effy on that, but Effy is too high and Katie is a lot more rude, so she is more successful than Effy.

When they meet Effy smiles at Katie and puts one of her arms around her shoulders and Katie just laughs, her left arm falls to Effy's waist to support her and Effy had no idea she actually needed support.

They leave the club still like that; with Effy tripping on her own feet(someone probably put something else on her drinks) and Katie dragging her all the time. Things are still blurred and her eyes can't see nothing but faint shadows, faint shadows and Katie cursing but clearly amused, her now dark hair clinging to her sweaty face and her warmth spreading until reaches Effy and her smell, pretty much the only thing that makes any sense to Effy these days.

Effy's got no idea where her strength comes from then, but it does.

So she pushes Katie against a wall and kisses her hard.

She traps Katie with her body and puts a leg between Katie's and when Effy's tongue brushes across her bottom lip, Katie recovers from the shock and pushes Effy away and then all she feels is a sting on her right cheek.

For a second Effy thinks Katie is going to slap her again and then again and straddle her just like it happened once but when she looks at Katie; at her eyes, Effy wonders for a second if there's a possibility that she might have slapped Katie back and forgot, because there are tears in her eyes and she looks so fucking mad.

Effy sobers up almost completely then.

"Katie..." she starts but there isn't much to say and Katie walks away.

"Just stay the fuck out of my way!" Katie yells without a look back.

Effy doesn't even make it to her room when she gets home, the couch is enough.

That night she dreams she is alone in this forest. There are rocks everywhere and she is clearly waiting for someone, but the person never comes.

"Why don't you just fucking write a letter, then?" Anthea slurs leaning against the door frame; she is too drunk to stand properly, glaring at Effy and the phone she's been holding in silence for some seconds now.

Effy gets up from the bed and slams the door on her face.

"What was that?" Tony asks.

"Mom."

"Ah." He says and she can hear the guilt in his voice. "So, where were we, then?"

"For once I made you speechless."

"Oh, yes. But I thought Emily was the gay one." Tony says clearly confused.

"She is." Effy confirms as she tries to find a comfortable position on the bed.

"And you kissed Katie." He says like a complete idiot.

"You sound like Sid, Tony."

"And Katie is the straight twin, the one you hit on the head with a rock."

"Finally. Progress." Effy snaps and stares at the ceiling. "And she slapped me. And now things are fucked up again."

"Sorry sis." He murmurs and Effy snorts.

"Whatever, took long enough, I guess."

It's probably for the best. Effy should just learn that it always get worse before it gets anything else. And then it gets worse again. She suddenly remembers of Cassie.

Effy bites her lip and then decides, what the fuck. "Have you heard from Cassie?"

"I thought you'd never ask!" Tony says excitedly and it's easy to tell that he is almost wetting himself. "She and Sid got married at the Central Park! Can you fucking believe that?"

She hangs up on him.

Effy is used to things going wrong. Most of the time she is the responsible for them to go wrong and it's been some time since she's actually gave a fuck about it.

Her house looks like it's abandoned, her family is destroyed, and the people who tried to be with her are still healing their wounds and Effy just doesn't feel like she's got energy enough to try to fix things like she used to.

But then there's Katie and her haunted eyes that give away what she really is, getting in the way of the uncaring bitch facade that she tries so hard to keep up even after everything that has happened. Katie, who was so fucking warm that made Effy; who's always cold, feverish in that freezing night and that tasted sweet even though she was as drunk as Effy.

Katie, whom Effy broke and has been putting herself together piece by piece under her fascinated stare.

Maybe Effy has the strength to fight a little bit more. She is still a Stonem for fuck's sake, and no matter how much shit happens, they(at least her and Tony) have never settled for just sitting on their arses feeling like losers.

Loser is not even a fucking emotion, anyway.

When Katie steps into the bathroom at school she doesn't look surprised to see Effy sitting on the sink. She sighs resignedly and starts working on her face like she always does. She doesn't fidget under Effy's gaze, doesn't look angry. Just tired.

When she finishes the job she stands in front of Effy, her face serious and guarded and it takes Effy a lot of effort for not to pull Katie into her, trapping her between her legs.

Katie is so small it would be quite easy, she reckons.

"You look like shit." Katie says and that stops her thoughts.

"Microwaved?" Effy asks softly and feels a hint of hope(or at least what she thinks it's hope; it's been a long time since she actually felt that) when Katie's mouth quirks up just a little bit.

"No, not yet." Katie answers with glare, but Effy can tell she is just pretending to be mad now.

"I'm sorry." Effy says before she loses her courage.

"God, now that you started you'll never stop saying sorry, yeah?"

"I know I..."

"No," Katie cuts her off hastily. "Just, don't fucking do that again, okay? If you want to be friends with me just, fuck, be friends with me." Katie says sounding exasperated with herself for not making much sense. "Don't treat me like I'm one of your problems, fears, or whatever that you just like, literally fuck them over. Okay?"

Effy wants to tell Katie that that is not what happened, that she doesn't even think of Katie as a problem, but Katie's eyes are begging her and she knows it's just too much to ask for.

"Okay." She nods and Katie relaxes immediately.

"Good. Let's eat then. You're one step away from the microwaved shit."

They all agree to attend to Uncle Keith's Game Afternoon; which is an excuse to get pissed instead of studying for their exams. Effy watches as they all pretend to give a fuck about what Keith is saying as she waits for her drink, sat in a stool next to the counter.

Katie is frowning at her card and it's kind of hilarious that she is the only one, except for JJ, who's actually paying attention to the game. She is alone; her purse saving Effy's seat while Emily and Naomi sit behind her against the wall. Emily staring at Keith with a slight smile is the picture of innocence but Effy knows by the way Naomi is flushed and breathing hard that they're playing an entirely different game under the table.

Effy is about to try to catch Katie's eye to make her notice the scene as well; just so she can see Katie's outraged face, when she feels two strong hands land around her neck and she immediately jumps to the touch.

"Scared the shit out of you! Sorry love." Cook cracks up and pushes her to the stool again without realizing that she could have punched his face if he had stayed quiet for just one more second. But then he is so busy flirting with the barmaid that he doesn't look at her face, doesn't see how wide her eyes are and how her breathing is as just ragged as Naomi's but for different reasons. Effy swallows the lump in her throat and sighs, thinking it's for the best that no one has noticed how that simple touch scared her.

When her eyes turn to Katie she immediately knows that the girl saw everything. She looks like she is about to throw up and after scanning the room she stands and leaves the pub.

Effy forgets the drink and follows her, taking Katie's purse that she left on Effy's seat and realizing with some regret that Katie was about to win the silly game.

Katie is leaning on the wall outside, smoking a spliff and looking alarmingly pale when Effy steps out of the pub.

"You alright?" She asks as she hands Katie her purse. As most of the time Katie's eyes won't meet hers.

"I saw you with Cook." She goes right to the point and Effy usually admires her for that but right now Effy wishes Katie were more like Emily, all hesitant and sensitive.

"So?"

"So? You fucked jumped out of your skin when he touched you Effy. What the fuck was that?" Effy shrugs.

"I'm sure you know what was that about, Katie."

When Katie finally looks at her, like really looks and she seems ill. "I didn't know you were like this. Like, haunted or whatever."

Effy smiles at her. "I see that Psychology is paying off then."

"Stop fucking around." Katie snaps and takes a step towards Effy eyeing her tirelessly like she is trying to find something wrong with her, some mark or scar. "That happens all the time, then?" She asks softly with a worried expression.

"Of course not Katie. It was just a reflex, forget about it."

But Katie doesn't look convinced at all, just keeps staring at Effy without blinking and Effy feels uncomfortable with the turn on their routine.

She sighs. "Fine, sometimes when people touch me like that I feel like I'm back in the woods just for a second, and I remember what happened."

"I thought," Katie starts, her hands clutching her purse so hard that her knuckles go white. "I thought you were too high to remember anything."

"At first I didn't," Effy confesses and licks her lips, the attention making her feel uneasy. "But then I started dreaming about it." She says and regrets immediately because Katie looks terrified and they're supposed to be past this already; they're not supposed to stare at each other with wide eyes full of fucking sorrow anymore. "It's only fair I guess. I mean, you do remember everything, right?"

Katie nods and swallows, clearly upset, clearly hurt. She gets closer and puts both her hands on Effy's shoulders, looking up at her with her brown eyes so full of guilt that it takes Effy's breath away.

"I'm fucking sorry, okay?" She mumbles feebly, her hands squeezing Effy's shoulder painfully but it's okay because at least Effy doesn't feel numb; the pressure is reassuring. "I know I haven't said that but I am. I know that I started this shit, that I dragged you into that stupid forest in the first place and... but fuck, I was so fucking mad Eff!" Her voices gets louder and Effy lays her hands lightly on her waist, just to calm her, just because she can now.

"I've been wanting to tell you this for a long time now but, not just 'cause we're trying, fuck it, we're friends now, but I don't know, you'd just stare at me and I'd have this urge to hit you again. You kind of broke me Eff." Katie completes with a pained smile; the saddest thing Effy's ever seen, like she can't believe she finally said it, like she is waiting for Effy to strike her again now that she is vulnerable.

"I know." Effy says and feels her eyes tear up and she knows the word just gets on Katie's nerves these days but she says it anyway, "Sorry."

Katie doesn't answer right away; she doesn't move, she just stares at Effy, at her eyes like she is in a trance and then she lets out a sob and kind of whines, "God, your fucking eyes!"

Then Katie is kissing her. In daylight in front of a pub and it's slow and messy and Effy doesn't wait for a second to let her hands fall to Katie's hips pulling her against her body, opening her lips to Katie's.

When she is not having vodka Katie is all about fancy colored drinks, and she tastes like some mix of fruits that Effy can't recognize and the spliff she had earlier and then her small hands go to Effy's neck and Effy stiffens under her touch. But Katie doesn't stop, she runs her lips from Effy's mouth to her jaw then to her neck, kissing her throat repeatedly muttering something that can only mean sorry under her breath.

Effy rubs her back and stands there for Katie.

For both of them.

Katie doesn't go to school the next day, doesn't answer Effy's texts and Effy realizes with her dark humor that Katie has been doing to her all the shit she's done with Cook and Freddie since she met them.

Except the fucking part.

Which is fucking unfair, Effy thinks as she feels this annoying warmth between her legs when she thinks of Katie in her short skirts, staring at her with her troubled eyes.

Emily seems torn between hitting and comforting Effy throughout the whole day and the only thing stopping her from doing both things is Naomi's arms holding her back.

Effy is not surprised; but pretty relieved, when they both follow her home after class.

Turns out Katie refused to tell Emily what the fuck is going on, so Effy has to tell her(and Naomi) what happened. When she gets to the part where she says that Katie kissed her, Naomi's eyes are huge and Emily's mouth is hanging open.

When Naomi is able to talk again she says, "There are so many things I could say right now, that I am kind of dizzy!"

"Any of them helpful?" Effy asks and Naomi frowns for a second then shakes her head.

"Nop. Most of them are just to tease Katiekins."

"You're talking about my sister." Emily glares and turns to Effy as Naomi rolls her eyes. She's got this pitiful expression on her face that makes Effy feel pathetic. "Give her some time okay? This was fucking sudden and Katie just needs to freak out right now."

"You know what's interesting?" Naomi interrupts and Effy knows by the tone of her voice that she is about to say something retarded. "Effy kind of completely cured Katie from her prejudices by making her not to freak out about snogging a girl but instead freak out about snogging someone who almost killed her."

Emily's glare is disturbingly alike Katie's, which means it's pretty scary. "Stop it. It's not fucking funny."

"Come on," Naomi insists, "She gave us shit for ages and now she is the one snogging Effy in front of Keith's? It is kind of funny, Ems."

"Could you two love birds not make this all about yourselves for once?" Effy interrupts irritated.

"Someone's bitchy." Naomi teases and Emily looks guilty.

Effy sighs. This is going nowhere.

Anthea chooses this moment to storm into the living room with an unhappy expression on her face.

"You took my fucking bottle." She says pointing to the bottle that Effy got from the fridge when they arrived, ignoring Naomi and Emily.

Naomi's been at Effy's before so she is used with her mother's attitude but Emily; that has been staring at everything like a tourist in a foreign country, is not and looks like a scared puppy.

"There are other two at fridge." Effy says easily, though she straightens herself on the couch.

"No, there are not."

"Well, that's because you already drained them. This one is mine."

Actually they're all Effy's, but Anthea apparently believes that if she takes them from Effy's bedroom and put them in the fridge, they'll suddenly become hers.

"No, it's not. Stop fucking taking my things and you know what," she says like she just remembered something but Effy knows better, her mother always wait for the right moment to tell her shit these days, "Stop fucking calling your father because that pussy's got no..."

"Shut up." Effy cuts her off, her voice firm and Naomi flinches next to her. She's seen Effy's mother bitching before but she never saw Effy doing anything but ignore her.

"What?"

"You heard me. I didn't call him, Tony did and you know it, so drop it. Maybe if you stopped with all your shit they wouldn't worry so much."

"You're the one to talk aren't you? You're a fucking..."

"Mess. I know." Effy completes and her mother scowls. "That's why I'm not taking care of you. I do enough shit myself. It wasn't my job to take care of you when Tone got bad," Her mother's eyes widen at that and her cheeks flush and it's fucking satisfying. "And it's not my job now either. So stop fucking around and blaming everything on me because this time I'll just let you kill yourself!" Effy doesn't scream but this is the loudest her voice's been since she watched her brother being hit by a bus and she knows Naomi and Emily are terrified by now.

Her mother stands there for a moment, her mouth open and her face flushed with shame and only after some seconds she manages to speak. "You know what you're behaving like?" She asks with her voice trembling, then shows the newspaper she's been holding the whole day and hits her hand on Hugh Laurie's face. "Like a fucking bastard!" She yells and kicks the coffee table before leaving the room heading upstairs.

After a long silence Naomi tries to break the mood that has settled with, "Well, at least this time she accused someone who's actually a bastard."

Emily frowns. "Hugh Laurie is not really..."

"He's House. It's kind of indirect..." She starts but then stops with surprise when she looks at Effy. "The fuck you're smirking about?"

Effy shrugs. "She didn't take the bottle."

Katie shows up at night.

She smirks at Effy and it takes her a second to realize that it is because of the surprise on her face. Katie leans on the door frame as Effy stares at her.

She doesn't flinch. Effy sighs in relief.

"What?" Effy asks and she shrugs.

"I just think it's nice when I get to put an expression on your face that is not the usual I'm a bored cunt." The smug smile she gives Effy is enough to make her lick her lips and narrow her eyes. Katie flushes at that.

"It's nice to see you blush, as well." Katie flips her off and Effy just continues. "I thought you'd take longer freaking out." Katie snorts and rolls her eyes.

"Yeah, me too. But turns out it wasn't much as freaking out as it was me having to listen Ems trying to use her psychology bullshit on me which was, bullshit." She frowns. "Ems finds a way to make every fucking thing about her."

"Runs in the family." Effy teases and Katie narrows her eyes but doesn't reply. "So. Did you just come here to stare?" She teases with a soft voice, tilting her head to the side in a way she knows makes most people crazy.

Katie bites her lower lip. She is not immune, it seems.

"Cunt. Well, I don't really want to talk, yeah? I think we talk too much."

"There is something no one ever accused me of doing." Effy smirks and Katie smiles at her. It's something. It's kind of everything right now. "Maybe we should talk. Like, what the fuck is going on and all." Effy tries to be nonchalant about it but she knows she fails by the way Katie's eyes sparkle.

It's fucking something alright.

"Yeah, okay. I mean, I did snog you in front of Keith's." She says with a disgusted face that Effy knows is due to the fact that Katie was caught snogging someone in front of that shitty place.

"You did."

"Fucking Naomi won't let go of this like, never." Katie curses and then looks at Effy with a serious expression. "Sorry I fucked off. It was just weird. I was apologizing then I was making out with you, then I was fucking apologizing again."

"It's fine. I didn't mind neither of them." Effy says and gives Katie a smile that makes the smaller girl shudder and then frown.

"It's like, what if we're only doing this because of what happened in the woods? I mean, Emily said a lot of shit but this totally makes sense." She babbles and her lisp gets a little worse and Effy knows better than to tease her for that now.

"It does make sense Katie." Effy agrees because doesn't take a genius to get that but it's also more, she doesn't know how she knows, but she does. Something. "But it doesn't need to be the only reason this is happening, right?"

"Nothing's happening." Katie says defensively and Effy gets closer just to make sure she won't run away again.

"A lot is happening Katie."

Katie sighs and starts fidgeting in front Effy, looking at anywhere but Effy's face. Effy stands before her until their bodies are close enough to touch and looks down at Katie.

"I know it's fucked up. But it's always fucked up Katie."

Katie still doesn't meet her eyes when she mumbles, "Especially when it comes to you, yeah?"

"Yeah." Effy shrugs. It's kind of obvious. "Definitely." She completes quickly, in a voice almost identical to Katie's and Katie snorts and punches her in the arm. "It doesn't have to be just about how fucked up we are, though."

She brings her hand to Katie's face and when their eyes finally meet, Effy knows she has won.

Her prize is pretty fucking fierce, by the way.

There are no dreams that night because when they stop Effy is so fucking exhausted that dreaming is just not an option.

A very naked, and for once peaceful Katie lying next to her helps, too.

Effy wakes up in an empty bed.

When she is about to get mad at all this hit and run shit Katie enters in her bedroom with her hair dripping, wearing her skirt and Effy's Sid and Nancy t-shirt.

"You look, ludicrous." Effy yawns at her.

"Who the fuck says 'ludicrous'?" Katie snaps as she tries to find her shoes.

"My brother. It means 'ridiculous'." Effy says in a condescending tone and Katie throws one of her Converses at her.

"I fucking know what it means. Anyway, I can pull anything off." She says and leans against the door, as if she is daring Effy to disagree.

Of course Katie looks fucking hot wearing that old piece of crap.

"I thought that was understood thanks to all the leopard print." She jumps of the bed and wraps her arms around Katie, kind of rubbing herself against her; just because it's fine now and Katie curses under her breath.

"Morning breath, babes." Katie says immediately and Effy glares at her. "You heard me. And oh, Cook sent a text. He asked if he can watch next time. Cunt probably told him."

Effy runs her hand up Katie's(hers) t-shirt and grazes her fingers over her nipples. "Maybe we could give him a show." She teases and watches in fascination as Katie's eyes hardens and her hand is suddenly between Effy's legs, rubbing her roughly through the cotton of her panties as she traps Effy against the door.

"I don't care if what we're doing doesn't even have a name but if you fuck around on me babes, I swear I'll fucking hit you in the head with whatever I see in front of me, yeah?" Katie says all of this in a very calm tone, building a wonderful rhythm with her small, talented hand and Effy wants to drag her to bed again. Before Effy can do so the hand is gone, and Katie gives Effy a light kiss on her cheek and starts to walk down the hall.

"Need to find my..." she starts and stops when Anthea shows up with her bra on her right hand and a huge interrogation on her face. "Here it is! Thanks Mrs. Stonem." Katie says in that polite voice she uses to talk to old people. Then she turns to Effy and grins. "Now I just need my top and I'm out of here."

Anthea watches Katie for a moment then turns to Effy, eyebrows raised and an almost smirk on her face. "Who the fuck is that, then?"

Effy gives her a smile and shrugs, "The girl I hit on the head with a rock."

"Ah, 'course she is." Is her mother's only response.

Effy is smoking at the bus stop when she sees from the corner of her eye that someone; a blond girl, is staring at her.

She ignores her until she hears it.

"Oh wow."

The hair is shorter and she looks like she's gained some pounds, but the wide eyes and the lopsided smile are the same.

"Cassie." Effy says, shock evident in her voice and the girl smiles again.

"Hey, Effy. You look lovely." She says and Effy shakes her head.

"What are you doing here?"

"Oh, we've come to see Chris. I mean, Sid came to see Tony and I kind of want to see Jal and Chelle," At the mention of Michelle her voice gets distant and sad. "But mostly, we came for Chris." She finishes like it's something she rehearsed a lot to say. But then she smiles again and Effy forgets about it.

"I heard you got married."

"Oh, wow, yes. It was so lovely. We were there just because Sid wanted to make fun of the people who were getting married and then next thing I know we're one of them." She says dreamily, and Effy notices that her eyes and her smile don't have that edge anymore, that would give away how difficult it was for Cassie to even breathe.

"You look beautiful." She says and she means it. Cassie beams at her.

"Wow, thanks. You're always so pretty and nice." When Effy snorts at that she takes her hand. "No, really. You got Sid and I together remember? And Tone and Chelle. You were kind of the sane one among us." She grins and Effy feels kind of proud that someone remembers the few good things she's done.

"I heard you're doing this girl you almost killed." Cassie says after some seconds of silence as she plays with Effy's fingers.

The mention of the girl she almost killed makes Effy's lips quirk up involuntarily. "That's right. Crazy, isn't it?"

"Oh no, it's totally you. I mean that as a good thing." Cassie explains and stares at Effy with a smile that almost blinds her, a carefree smile, full of comprehension, that Effy wishes she'll be able to smile someday because if Cassie made it, maybe she'll be able to do it, too. "You look happy."

"I don't know about that." Effy shrugs and Cassie puts her arms around her shoulders.

"You do. It always gets bad you know." Her voice drops a little. "Hazy days. But then we get over it. We just have to find a reason go on. You know?" She completes already smiling again, happily raising her left hand to Effy, showing a ring made of wood on her finger.

A bus stops and Katie gets out of it with Emily and Naomi, cursing at both of them and complaining about her ass being numb from the trip. When her eyes meet Effy's; and that happens all the time these days, her lips curl into a filthy smirk.

"Yeah, I know." Effy answers Cassie, honestly.

fin

The Cassie and Sid getting married in Central Park thing is from this absolutely lovely fic that I read once and that I cannot find again. If you know which fic I'm talking about help me out :D