ASD

Disclaimer: I only own the ideas.

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The flight home was quiet. Reid enjoyed the near silence as he watched the clouds below. Morgan, in the corner and eyes shut, was listening to music. Hotch and JJ, sat at the table, had their heads down and were reading fresh files. Rossi was dozing with his laptop open. Prentiss was reading opposite Reid. As he surveyed the scene Prentiss looked up over her book at him.

"You OK?"

"Mmmm," Reid answered without listening. He continued scanning the cabin before glancing at the cover of her book.

Emily closed her book and put it down beside her. Looking directly at him she noticed how his eyes returned to flitting around the plane's cabin. He turned to look out of the window again. She could tell something was eating away at him. They had all noticed Reid was off pace but no-one had pushed him. They were family after all. You knew when to back off and give each other space; however right now Emily felt the need to reach out to Reid. She moved forward, closing the gap between them.

"Anything I can help with?" she whispered. She appreciated that this would not be a conversation for everyone to hear. Reid shrugged staring intently at the cloud formations. He didn't want to do this; not now, possibly never. The closeness of Prentiss made Reid feel more uncomfortable. Emily backed into her seat and lifted her book. She hoped JJ or Morgan may succeed where she had failed.

Being so far up in the sky did nothing to clear Reid's thoughts. He wanted to get back to 'normal', if he knew what that meant. Reid couldn't get Joey, or more to the point, his mother out of his mind. If he wasn't thinking about Joey and how he could help him; he was thinking about himself and whether he wanted to go further in finding out if he was on the spectrum. As he slowly drifted off to sleep his mind was mentally listing questions yet to be answered.

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Reid had been quick to leave the team. He craved his own company tonight. The thought of drinks and their usual informal debriefing had sent shivers down his spine. He wasn't ready to let this be washed away in an alcoholic blur, not yet. He was more than aware that others had noticed his preoccupation. Yet this did not bother him. Usually he would beside himself with worry that the team thought his performance was under-par. Tonight others views were immaterial.

He considered returning home. However his apartment held little appeal. He didn't want to take his additional baggage home with him. He made his way to a quiet jazz bar; his guilty pleasure. As he settled in a booth with a large brandy he felt a calm that he hadn't felt in days. As he sipped his drink the clouds that had fogged his mind slowly showed signs of clearing. It was if he could start to make out shapes in the space ahead. Nothing was defined but it was no longer cloaked in darkness. He lost track of time as he tried to sort fact from fiction; myth from legend. He focussed first on Joey.

Joey had suffered. He had felt for him throughout the interview process. He was not happy with what Joey had gone through in the name of justice. Reid knew how the system worked. You had to look at the evidence. You had to interview the suspects. He could quote the statistic of how often the killer was a known to the victim. He could add to these facts about serial killers with various different learning difficulties and disabilities.

As he mentally sorted, filed and assessed the case he felt better than before. Reid realised he had reached the bottom of the glass. He stood to get a refill, letting the music carry his mood. Standing he came face to face with Morgan.

"You know how hard you are to find?"

Reid didn't know what to say. He stood opened mouth looking at his colleague.

"I take it you want another?" Taking the glass from Reid, Morgan headed to the bar as Reid slumped back down.

As Morgan eased himself into the booth he passed Reid his glass.

"What are you doing here?" Reid asked.

"Believe it or not we care for you and when you aren't sprouting random facts we worry."

"I'm fine, honest." Reid felt defensive. He hadn't sought the company of others. He hadn't asked Morgan to invade his personal time. Yet here he was.

"Kid, I'm not here to patronise. I'm here to listen. If you don't want to talk, fine. We'll still here in silence, enjoy the music, chill." Morgan paused "But if you need to share, I'm here." At which Morgan looked towards the stage and left Reid to think it through.

Sitting in silence for what seemed like forever both agents faced the current performers. Reid knew Morgan viewed him as a little brother. He had told Morgan more about himself than anyone else, even JJ. Yet he didn't know if he could tell him what was going through his mind at the moment. So they continued to watch, listen and appreciate. The melodies lifted and changed, yet their mood stay constant.

"Do you think I'm odd?" Reid finally asked.

"Sure, but I don't hold it against you. It makes you, you."

"You didn't meet Joey, the first suspect. He's Autistic. I found him really . . . interesting. His mum was great at supporting him and helping him. She was very patient and explained things so well." Reid paused realising he was rambling without getting close to a point. Briefly he looked up at Morgan, catching his eyes then looking away. "I think I meet a lot of the criteria."

"OK, so where do we go from here?"

"I need to decide if I want to chase a diagnosis."

"Do you?"

"I don't know. Joey's mum talked to me about Joey and her experience of Autism. It was fascinating but I don't know how relevant it is to me. I seem to fit some of the traits, and she agreed. Yet do I really fit into that category?"

"Do you need to fit into a category?" Morgan had long accepted that he didn't fit into anyone's ideal. He was him. He was happy with that. He was confident with himself. He equally knew Reid wasn't. He knew he wanted to be accepted. He knew he wanted to access the same social level as everyone else. He knew he craved understanding and explanations.

"Something Joey's mum said stuck with me. She said that Autism is just a word, a label. It doesn't change who you are. What do you think?"

"Honest. I think you are the most intelligent person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. You amaze me day in day out. I respect you regardless of any label, name or anything else to care to give yourself. You are Dr Spencer Reid. You are my colleague. You are my friend. I respect your views. I appreciate your input. I am glad you are part of the team. I know I tease you, maybe I shouldn't. I will support you whatever you decide." Morgan took a large gulp of his Bourbon. "Another?" he added.

Reid nodded silently as he took on board what Morgan had just said to him. Morgan going to the bar was the breathing space he needed. However in the quiet bar Morgan was quick to return.

"So kid, any closer to a conclusion or do you need more time?"

"Part of me wants an answer. I need to know but logic tells me it will make no difference."

"Well in that case I would say it is your own personal journey. If you want a passenger, I'm here; however if you need the time on your own then so be it. Remember as Shakespeare said 'A rose by any other name smells as sweet.'" At which point Morgan downed his drink and left Reid to contemplate his future. Morgan appreciated that sometimes we need to be alone.

Reid sat the rest of the evening. By closing time he had decided he was himself. He had his demons yet he had faced plenty more and come out the other side. He had friends who cared for him. What more could he ask for? What difference would a diagnosis make? He was Dr Spencer Reid. He was unique. He finished his drink and returned home; knowing that Monday would bring a fresh set of challenges. Knowing that by the end of the next case one of his friends my need the support that had just been offered to him. Whatever next week held he was confident in the fact that they would face it together. As they always did. The BAU weren't just a team they were a family.

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There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout:
This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mould. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision.
When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you."

Stacey Charter

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Author's note

Thank you so much to everyone who has read my story and even more to those who have taken the time to review. I have tried to take on board what has been said to me, especially regarding punctuation, description and detail. Small steps have been take that will hopefully lead to larger leaps in the future.

There were times during writing this that I thought I had bitten off more than I could chew. I don't tend to write case fiction and found keeping a plot and characters going hard work. However I shall not give up and have ideas for another case fic in the New Year. In the meantime I have a Christmas Gift challenge and some one-shots to complete.

I am looking for a Beta for next time, so if anyone is interested please message me.

Thank you and Merry Christmas and a happy New Year.