Disclaimer:  Fushigi Yuugi belongs to someone other than myself, and no money was made in the creation of this fic.  *nod*

Notes:  I'm not certain where this fic came from.  I was passing by the the dry erase board this morning, and happened to see that I had an appointment with a Dr. Lovely on March 14th.  And somehow, from that, a fic was born. *shrug*  It's fairly dark, at least thus far, and may or may not be continued, as I'm not certain how interesting it'll be to those who are not...well, me. ^^;;;  So, if you read, do review.  The future of this fic may depend on it.  No pressure, though. ^_~.  Oh, and Ryuuen is spelled with two u's by whim of the author. *shrug*

Warnings:  Definite, definite, definite SHOUNEN AI.  Also, probably spoilers for the majority of the series, particularly up to episode thirty-three. 

Breathing

by Ryuen

"Hel-lo, Ryuuen.  And, how are we today?"

The voice was bright and cheerful, the face behind it even more so:  wide brandy-brown eyes, made all the wider by thick, wire-framed glasses; a large, crooked nose that spoke of adolescent fist fights; thin lips that pursed and smiled, showcasing a row of smoke-yellowed teeth.  Pale skin, dark hair, a stature that seemed to suggest a football player rather than a doctor--Ryuuen drank in every detail, swallowed it into himself with the fervor of one longing desperately for distraction.

The man stretched out a hand to him, and so he reached forward and grasped it, found it warm and sticky with sweat; the hospital gown rustled like newspaper as he moved.  "Hello," he said.  His voice was soft; his lips barely moved.

The smell of antiseptic was all around him.  Kourin had insisted that he would get used to the smell after a few hours, that it would fade into the background of his mind and he wouldn't notice it anymore, but so far, that hadn't happened.  He'd spent three hours with the smell in the waiting room, leafing through an old People magazine and trying to keep Sai from pacing back and forth in front of the nurse's station.  After that, he'd been ushered back through the double doors and into a sparse, claustrophobic room where he was instructed to take off his clothes, tie back his long hair, and change into a hospital gown.  Sai hadn't been allowed to come back with him for some ungodly reason, and so he'd sat there alone, the chill air sweeping under the crack in the door and bathing him in goose bumps, his legs dangling off the side of the examining table like a five-year-old in his father's chair. 

The antiseptic smell had stayed with him as he sat there, humming softly to himself and trying to find something to focus on other than the wait and how irrationally afraid he was.  And, then, nearly forty-five minutes later, a pretty Asian nurse had slipped into the room, engaged him in about three minutes of useless questioning, and then commanded him across the hall to the equally-claustrophobic bathroom.  There, he'd followed her vaguely-embarrassing instructions, and several minutes later had dropped a plastic BIOHAZARD bag into the slot she pointed him to.

After that, he'd been led to another, different room farther down the hall, where his clothes were waiting for him--and, so was another nurse.  This one pointed him to an examining table, which he climbed onto with speedy obedience...and, then, the nurse had smiled and told him it would be a few minutes and left.  And, it had been nearly thirty minutes, according to the silver $9.99 Walmart watch on his wrist, before the door swung open again, and nearly fifteen minutes after that that this man had finally arrived.

And, so, here he sat, shivering with cold and fear and starting to fall asleep from the long stretches of silence, and still there was antiseptic in his nostrils.  If he'd eaten anything this morning, he was fairly sure he'd have thrown it up by now.

"Well," the man went on, reaching beneath the desk and rolling out a backless swivel chair, "my name is Doctor Kyle Lovely, and I'll be taking care of you today, all right, Ryuuen?"  Dr. Lovely drew a hand to his breast pocket as he spoke, pulled out a ballpoint pen and clicked it on with his thumb.  "Well, now, let's get down to business, shall we?"

He nodded mutely.  A strand of violet hair slipped free of its tie with the movement, fluttered down against his shoulder. 

Dr. Lovely, who by now had planted himself on the swivel chair and rolled it over to the examining table, lifted the clipboard up from his lap and cradled it in his left arm.  "All right," he said in a flat, doctorly voice, "now, I understand you've been experiencing some chest pain and difficulty breathing?"

Again, the mute nod.  Lovely gave a nod of his own and scribbled something onto the clipboard.  "Now, Ryuuen," he continued in the same bland tone, "I'd like to you to look at this chart--"  He jerked a thumb towards the door.  "--and tell me the number of the severity of the pain, zero being no pain at all and ten being excruciating pain."

The eighteen-year-old's eyes flickered to the chart, stamped as it was against the door with sticky tack.  A slender blue rectangle, the numbers zero through ten were printed on it in cheerful bubble letters, and above them were drawn a variety of smiley and not-so-smiley faces.  The one above zero was grinning widely, a row of straight white teeth flashing from beneath its lips; the one at ten, however, had its eyes scrunched up in pain; its face was red and lined, and tears trickled over its cheeks.

Ryuuen swallowed.  "It varies," he said.  His voice was little more than a croak, so he cleared his throat, looked again to the chart.  "I mean, at first, it wasn't all that bad, maybe a...a three, or something."

Lovely's eyes were fixed on him, peering at him through the thick lenses as if through a microscope.  "When was the last time you experienced the pain?"

"Yesterday morning."

"And, how severe was it then?"

His eyes slid closed; a flash of remembered pain trickled into him, and it was difficult for a moment not to draw a hand to his chest.  "Eight," he whispered.  "Maybe nine."

The doctor stared at him blankly for a moment, and then his eyes went narrow.  "You're certain you understand the distinction between the numbers, aren't you, Ryuuen?  I realize that it's difficult to judge the severity of pain, but understand that a ten is excruciating, unbearable pain..."

He couldn't take it anymore; he drew an arm to his ribs and held it there.  "Yes, I understand," he said in a tight voice.  "Yesterday, it was...eight or nine."

Lovely's eyebrows raised; he turned his gaze back to the clipboard and scribbled a bit more urgently this time.  "Okay, now.  I'm going to ask you a series of questions about the nature of the pain--what it feels like, when it comes, things like that, and I want you to answer as honestly as you can, all right?"

He nodded.

"Okay, then.  What is it, do you think, that triggers the pain?  Does it come at a certain time of day, or after you do a certain kind of activity, or...?"

Ryuuen was silent for a long moment.  His fingers tangled together in his lap, rustling against the papery gown.  "I...I don't know," he murmured at last.  "It's been...different every time.  Sometimes it's in the morning, sometimes the afternoon.  Once it was in the middle of the night.  I don't know."

The pen scratched against the clipboard; Lovely's eyes flickered up to meet his gaze for only a second before plunging back down to the paper.  "All right, now, describe the nature of the pain for me.  Tell me where it hurts, what it feels like, how long it lasts."

His voice was little more than a whisper.  "It's...right here.  On the...the left side of my chest.  But, sometimes, it's...here, instead."  A shaky hand lifted, touched against the center of his chest.  "It's a...a sharp pain that makes it hard to breathe.  It only ever lasts for a few minutes, though."

Dr. Lovely blinked at him, staring silently for a moment.  Then, he shifted in the chair, brought the clipboard back down to his lap and regarded his patient with concern.  "Ryuuen, is there any history of heart disease in your family?"

"Yes."

"Who?"

"My father."

"Your father...I see."  The thin lips pursed together, and a line formed in the man's brow.  "Ryuuen, I don't want to scare you, but it's a possibility that what you're experiencing is a form of heart disease called Hypertrophic Obstructive Cardiomyopathy."  Lovely gave a brief smile.  "That's quite a mouthful, huh?"

His mouth felt suddenly dry; the panic was clawing at his stomach, wrapping around his throat like icy fingers.  "H...Heart disease?" he managed.  "But...but, I'm only eighteen..."

Dr. Lovely shook his head solemnly.  "That's a common myth, that only older men and women can have heart disease.  Truthfully, I've seen kids younger than you, only nine or ten years old, who were experiencing the same kinds of chest pain you're describing.  And, with a great many of them, it was heart disease.  It's not definite, of course.  There could be a number of other causes for your symptoms, but we have to make sure not to dismiss this possibility.  If it is HOCM, then there's a slim possibility that--if it goes untreated--your heart could go into cardiac arrest at any time, and probably without much warning at all."  He shook his head.  "Naturally, we'd like to avoid having that happen.  So."  He lifted the clipboard again, started to write.  "I'm going to refer you to an excellent cardiologist named Sue Reckner, and she'll do some x-rays, listen to your heart, and give you a more definite diagnosis." 

Lovely glanced up from the paper, offered a wide smile. "Okay, Ryuuen?  Now, all I'm going to need you to do now is get dressed, go back down the hall to the nurse's station, and give the lady there this." There was the sound of paper being torn along a serrated edge; a moment later, Ryuuen found a flimsy green slip in his hand.  "She'll set up an appointment for you with Dr. Reckner, and tell you when to come back."

"But..."  He glanced at the paper in his hand, saw that it was shaking between his fingers; he had to swallow several times before he could gather enough saliva to speak.  "But, what if something happens before she can see me?"

Having already risen from the swivel stool and walked to the door, Dr. Lovely turned back to him, regarded him silently for a moment before speaking.  "There's very little chance that that will happen.  But, I would say that you should avoid being alone for extended periods of time until you see her.  If you live alone, for example, I would suggest going to stay with a friend or family member.  And, Ryuuen, if you think you might be having an emergency, don't hesitate to call an ambulance or get to the hospital as quickly as possible.  No one will make you feel stupid if it's a false alarm, trust me.  Far too many people lose their lives because they ignore their symptoms and don't get help soon enough.  So, promise me that you'll pay close attention to what your body is telling you, and not hesitate to get help if you think it's an emergency.  Okay?"

"O-Okay."

Lovely smiled. "Okay.  Get dressed, and then stop in at the nurse's station, and they'll get everything set up.  It was a pleasure meeting you, Ryuuen."

The words came to his lips automatically.  "Pleasure meeting you, too."

And, then, Dr. Lovely had stepped out into the corridor and swung the door closed, and again, he was alone.  As he climbed shakily down from the examining table and worked at getting dressed, he barely noticed the smell of antiseptic. 

~*~*~*~*~*~

He moved down the faceless corridor in a daze, faded Keds scuffing against the linoleum, hair still tugged back into a low, loose ponytail.  His eyes stared blankly at the floor.  It wasn't until he nearly collided with a man in a wheelchair that he lifted his gaze, folded his arms over his chest, and walked more purposely towards the waiting room. 

The room was supposed to look "homy," he supposed, with its plush brown arm chairs and patterned rug and various happy-children paintings.  It didn't feel homy as he stepped into it, though.  It felt cold and lifeless and foreign, and if it hadn't been for the sight of Saihitei, leaning wearily against the wall with chestnut hair falling in his face and eyes lightly closed, he might've just kept on walking to escape.  As it was, though, he did as Dr. Lovely had told him--he walked to the nurse's station, leaned his elbows lightly on the counter, and handed the slip to the pretty Asian nurse he'd seen earlier.  She gave him a polite smile, and then turned to her computer.  Her nails were long and fake and red, and they clicked loudly against the keys as she typed.

"All right," she said in a soft, unaccented alto.  Her eyes never left the computer screen.  "The earliest date Dr. Reckner is available is on Tuesday the seventh at 9:30, 11:45, and...two.  Do any of those times suit you--"  Her eyes flickered to the slip of paper.  "--Mr. Chou?"

"Nine thirty is fine."

"All right, then."  Clickety-clickety-click.  "I'll just print this out for you, and then you're free to go."

He nodded numbly.  "Thank you."

And, then, suddenly, he was aware of someone standing just behind him, of a warmth against his shoulders.  He turned, found Sai standing there with dark smudges beneath his eyes and a weary kind of concern in his expression. 

"Are you all right?" Sai asked quietly.  The amber of his eyes glittered in the fluorescent lighting, and past the fear and the concern and the fatigue, he caught a glimpse of the warmth and love and strength he come to rely so heavily on.  He felt a sudden longing to fall into this man's embrace, let that strength wrap around him and draw him away from the fear, but…

But, the nurse's eyes were on him, and the waiting room was filled with old men and young women and small children, few of whom he assumed would take too kindly to an open show of their relationship here.  Something inside of him was screaming, though, and he knew that if he stood here for one moment more, alone and cold and frightened, he was going to break down.  So, screw them.  Screw society.  Screw Western Pennsylvania.

Face twisting, Ryuuen sprang forward and wrapped his arms around Saihitei, pressed his cheek to his boyfriend's broad, muscular chest.  Although he was sure the move startled the taller man, there was only a moment's delay before Sai's strong arms were wrapped around him, holding him close and making him feel warm, protected, and safe. 

Still shivering with cold and fear, Ryuuen closed his eyes, and let himself be comforted.

"Ryuuen...honey...you're shaking.  What happened?" 

He hadn't intended to start crying, but the tears seemed to have come of their own volition.  "L-Let's talk about it at home," he managed, voice muffled by the nearness of Sai's blue silk shirt.  "Please, let's...let's just go home."

"Mr. Chou?  Mr. Chou, I have your appointment card, here..."

Careful not to jar the young man in his arms, Saihitei shuffled over to the counter, then lifted one arm to grab the card.  "Thank you."

And, then, he tucked the card into his pocket, shifted so his arm was wrapped around Ryuuen's shoulders rather than his back, and the two walked through the waiting room and then out the double doors.  A moment later, they were outside, moving with slow steps towards the parking garage.

~*~*~*~*~*~