Author's Note 1: This is a gift-fic for Gixxer Pilot, born from a conversation we had a while back, involving a certain Decepticon and the snack food he totally resembles. I swear I really am working on my various multi-chapter stories…I just have to get the evil one-shot bunnies out of the way first!
Special Thanks: First, I'd like to give a big shout-out to Gixxer Pilot for generally being awesome. Next, I want to give an equally big thank you to Tenshi of Light21 for writing Autobot Pranks and allowing me to play around a bit in her fantastic and hilarious universe. If you haven't read Tenshi or Gixxer's stories, then go do so after you finish reading this!
Warning: Pure and total crack-fic, so if you don't like that sort of thing, then please hit the back button on your browser now, so you don't waste your time. Also, be advised of some possible OOC-ness, as I've never written a couple of the characters in here before.
Disclaimer: Transformers belongs to Hasbro. Doritos belong to Frito-Lay. The item used for the prank below is Tenshi of Light21's idea, and is used with her permission.
"Thoughts/Processes"
::Internal Comms::
Starscream was, to put it simply, exhausted. Ever since the Fallen's untimely demise in Egypt, Megatron had been running all of the Decepticons ragged in various ill-fated revenge schemes, which invariably led to injuries and offlinings, either by the wretched Autobots, or at the claws of Megatron himself as the price of failure. "And who does that miserable fool blame when his 'brilliant' plans fail? Me, of course! As if it's somehow my fault that we get our afts kicked, when I'm not even there! Or even worse, caught up in that silly prank war!" he snarled inwardly, conveniently forgetting a few of his own acts in said "silly" conflict as he soared through the sky in his F-22 Raptor alt form.
The Air Commander felt his core temperature start to rise, and he quickly worked to cool himself down. There was no point in frying his processor over Megatron's supreme idiocy, after all. Besides, his systems were too overworked to maintain rage for very long, as he had not had a decent recharge in what seemed like forever. "No, a single uninterrupted recharge would be entirely too much to ask for, wouldn't it?" Starscream cycled his vents in the mechanical equivalent of a sigh, and then quickly made a decision and swooped in for a landing in the seemingly lifeless desert below. "Frag it all, I don't care if Unicron himself comes along and annihilates everything, I'm not doing anything else until I get some recharge!" He quickly settled down in a relatively comfortable area, and after letting his sensors comb the nearby area for possible threats and finding none, easily slipped into unconsciousness.
…
Sunstreaker and Sideswipe roared down the desert highway, feeling more than a little pleased with themselves. It had been a while since they had pulled any pranks, mostly because they had been confined to the base, while Prowl and Ironhide found "constructive" things for them to do when they weren't training. Today, however, the Corvette twins were out and about on their own, because Ironhide had become extremely irritated when they kept complaining about how bored they were on the base, and had yelled, "Go out and find something to do, then!"
Before the weapons specialist could retract what he said, Sideswipe and Sunstreaker had taken off, quite happy to be free. They had only been gone for about an hour, however, when they noticed a Cybertronian energy signature nearby. ::Hey, who do you think that is?:: Sideswipe wondered over the private channel.
::How the Pit should I know?:: Sunstreaker grumbled, not really caring.
::Well, they aren't moving, so let's go check it out.::
::Really, Sideswipe? I just got my paint exactly how I want it, and now you want to scratch it up again? I don't think so!::
If it were possible for a silver Corvette Stingray to look disgusted, Sideswipe would have done so. ::Come on, Sunny! Stop whining like a sparkling and come with me already!::
::What have I said about calling me that name?:: Sunstreaker snarled back.
The yellow Corvette's engine roared with annoyance, but he followed his twin off the highway and into the wilds, where, once they were out of clear view of the road, they shifted into their bipedal forms. Trudging through the desert with wheels for feet wasn't easy, but the twins managed to make it to the source of the energy signature: a very familiar F-22 covered in Cybertronian markings. ::Hey, look who it is!:: Sideswipe exclaimed, continuing to use the private line to avoid rousing the deeply recharging Decepticon before them.
::Starscream!:: Sunstreaker hissed, an evil grin beginning to spread across his faceplates.
Sideswipe noticed his brother's expression, and said, ::All right, I know that look. You've got an idea, don't you?::
::Yep.:: The yellow Corvette reached into one of his subspace compartments and pulled out a small container holding a chip. ::This.::
::Is that…I thought Optimus had Wheeljack destroy all of those!:: Sideswipe cried, staring at the chip in amazement.
::He did, but I managed to rescue this one before 'Jack could get around to it.:: Sunstreaker waved the chip a bit. ::So, what do you say to using this last one to prank 'Sleeping Beauty' over there?::
::What, you want to turn Starscream into a femme?:: the silver mech asked, shaking his head. ::That's been done so many times now. We need to do something original.::
::What about this?:: Sunstreaker asked, sending his brother a data burst containing the idea that had crossed his processors. ::I've overheard some of the humans referring to Starscream as such.::
Sideswipe checked out the idea, and had to muffle a burst of laughter. ::Yes, that's perfect!::
…
After hitting Starscream with a stunner to make sure he would not come out of recharge too early, the twins set the chip on the Decepticon, making sure to pick an area he couldn't easily reach once he transformed, and activated it. Then they backed away some distance so they would have a decent head start, before Sideswipe picked up a small rock and tossed at Starscream. The stone hit the Seeker's wing with a loud clang, and easily snapped him out of his recharge. "Who? What? Where?" Starscream mumbled, his processors still sluggish after being jolted awake so suddenly.
"Hey, aft-head!" Sunstreaker shouted down at the Decepticon. "Hey, I'm talking to you, you flying scrap-heap!"
It took a moment, but the yellow twin's voice managed to thread its way through the Air Commander's drowsy processors, and he let out an angry snarl as he shifted into his bipedal mode. "You fragging glitches!" he bellowed, aiming his missile launcher at the twins. "I swear by the Unmaker I will make you wish you were never sparked!"
"Ooh, we're shaking!" Sideswipe jeered, as he gave Starscream a rude gesture. "The only thing scary about you is your ugly face!"
Without waiting to see the Seeker's response, the Corvette twins quickly bolted, their laughter carrying through the desert air as Starscream shrieked with fury, shifted into his alt form, and flew after them. Sunstreaker and Sideswipe had shifted as well, and moved much faster than any Earth vehicle possibly could, dodging and weaving whenever Starscream shot at them. ::You think he's mad?:: the silver twin asked.
::Oh yeah!:: his brother cackled, clearly enjoying himself. ::But it'd be rude to hog all the fun for ourselves. Let's get the others out here to see this.::
Sideswipe agreed and reached out on the emergency frequency. ::Sideswipe to base. Come in.::
::Ironhide here,:: the weapons specialist immediately replied, not bothering to keep the irritation out of his tone. ::What in the Pit have you slaggers been doing?::
::We were minding our own business when we ran into Starscream,:: the silver mech calmly answered. ::And apparently, he's mad, because he's chasing us.::
::We are on our way,:: Prowl said, joining the conversation. ::Please try to avoid causing collateral damage in the meantime.::
::That shouldn't be too hard, considering we're in the middle of an empty desert,:: Sunstreaker sniped, his response positively oozing sarcasm.
The comm lines closed, and Sunstreaker and Sideswipe continued evading Starscream's attacks, which seemed to enrage the already furious Seeker even further…so much so that he did not realize that the twins were actually leading him somewhere. That fact, of course, became quite apparent, when Starscream saw several of the other Autobots and the human soldiers approaching, but the Air Commander was beyond caring. "I'll at least take out those two pains-in-the-aft before I go," he thought as he locked onto Sunstreaker. "Who knows, maybe the other Autoscum will thank me, since the pests annoy their own group as much as everyone else they encounter."
Starscream fired, but the missile missed at the last moment, and he howled in frustration as he awaited the impending volley of shots from the others. Instead of gunfire, however, he was met with…laughter? Surprised and a little unnerved, the Seeker actually dropped to the ground and looked around with astonishment as almost every single Autobot and human was laughing. "What in the Pit are you all laughing at?" he imperiously demanded, feeling as if he was missing something.
"You, man!" Jazz guffawed, clinging to Ironhide to keep himself upright.
Prowl, the Autobot Second in Command was the only one not laughing. Instead, he stared at Starscream with a curious expression of amusement, horror, and utter confusion. "Heheh…Dorito…" the police cruiser finally chuckled, before his optics dimmed and he keeled over backward.
Prowl's collapse only served to set off even more laughter, as even Optimus Prime was laughing heartily at this point. Finally, the Autobot Commander took pity on the very confused Decepticon, and said, "Starscream, look at yourself."
Suspicious, Starscream did so, only to let out a rather girlish shriek of horror at what he saw. Instead of his sleek Seeker body, he was a flat, pale yellow triangle covered with tiny flecks of red and green. "What…what is this slag!" he screeched. "My body! What happened to it?"
"It appears that you have been transformed into a human snack food item known as a Dorito," Ratchet explained, after clamping down his own laughter. "A 'Cool Ranch' flavored one, to be precise."
"Dorito of Doom!" one soldier cackled, clinging to the side of one of the vehicles.
"But…but…how?" Starscream wailed, ignoring the human in favor of pitying himself.
"I think I know," Wheeljack said as his sidebars flashed a mirthful shade of yellow. He then walked over to the Seeker, circled around him as if looking for something, and then nodded in triumph, before reaching out and pulling off the transformation chip. "You had one of these on you," the scientist said, holding the chip up where everyone could see it. "I could've sworn I had destroyed them all, though…"
Starscream, who had returned to normal, snarled viciously, but did not attack, since he knew he'd never escape if he did. Instead, he glared at Sunstreaker and Sideswipe, and hissed, "You may keep your pathetic lives…for now."
Before anyone could think to stop him, the Air Commander went airborne, shifted into his alt form, and rocketed away as fast as he could. Chuckling, Major Lennox shook his head and said, "Man, Starscream sure thinks he's all that and a bag of chips."
Master Sergeant Epps heard his friend's comment, and added, "But all he is is a stale Dorito."
Apparently, even at that distance, Starscream still heard the comment, as he started shrieking incoherent curses at them all, setting off another storm of laughter.
Author's Note 2: Well, I hope you all enjoyed this. I've never really tried writing Starscream or Sunstreaker before, so hopefully they weren't too OOC. And yes, Starscream was a Cool Ranch Dorito, because that was the flavor that came up in the conversation. Anyway, review, if you feel so inclined.