Disclaimer: Nope
A/N: rewrite sevennn. 7-13-11
Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana and Justin Bieber bashingggg
MATTHEW WILLIAMS: User Guide and Manual
CONGRATULATIONS! You've just purchased a MATTHEW WILLIAMS unit of your very own! To ensure that you use your new buy to the very best of his abilities and that you avoid painful, unexpected brushes with death, we've provided you with this manual.
Name: Matthew Williams. Will respond to "Canada" - actually, to practically anything. He'll be overjoyed that you remembered him.
Age: 20
Place of Manufacture: Ottawa, Canada
Height: 5'10"
Weight: N/A
Length: Canada's not a big country for no reason...
Your MATTHEW WILLIAMS unit comes with the following accessories:
One (1) large winter coat
One (1) beige military uniform
Two (2) hoodies, one red with a white maple leaf and the other white with a red maple leaf
One (1) pair of standard blue slim-cut jeans
One (1) KUMAJIRO unit
One (1) standard-size ice hockey stick
Programming
Your MATTHEW WILLIAMS is equipped with the following traits:
Professional Ice Hockey Player: In need of cash? Well, here's your answer! MATTHEW WILLIAMS is definitely our most skilled unit when it comes to ice hockey, so go right ahead and sign him up for an Olympic audition. Money'll be flowing to your pocket within the month!
Secret Agent: He's so invisible that not even the most up-to-date equipment can detect him, making him perfect for sneak jobs and heists. His aim is every bit as good as VASH ZWINGLI's, and MATTHEW WILLIAMS is also a wonderful gymnast.
Blackmailer: Nobody notices him, and when people are alone they tend to take liberties that they otherwise wouldn't have! Need to catch your neighbor's kid smoking, or want to prove that your bitchy sister-in-law is cheating on your brother? Just set MATTHEW WILLIAMS to work and he'll have you first-class material in a matter of hours!
Removal of your MATTHEW WILLIAMS from Packaging:
MATTHEW WILLIAMS is one of our kindest, most stable units, but anyone can have a bad morning! We urge you to take extreme caution when trying to reprogram or unpack him; to avoid any unfortunate injuries, we have compiled a list of ways to wake your unit up.
1. Play the Canadian anthem, or speak any dialect of French loudly by the box. He will wake happily, and after you insist that you can see him, he will be so ecstatic that you can reprogram him directly.
2. Cook French or Canadian food (poutine is a suggestion). While he eats, you can reprogram him.
3. For more modern musics. If you blare American pop music, MATTHEW WILLIAMS will shout for ALFRED F. JONES to turn down that horrible screeching (especially if the singer in question is Miley Cyrus), and he will be a bit grumpy when he gets up; you can also play Justin Bieber, to which MATTHEW WILLIAMS will apologize profusely as you reprogram him; a third pop option is to play Lady Gaga, to which MATTHEW WILLIAMS will insist that they are not dating.
4. Turn on an ice hockey game and put the volume loud enough for you to hear it down the street - which is where MATTHEW WILLIAMS' box should preferably be, to avoid any injuries caused by the box breaking open as MATTHEW WILLIAMS dashes to watch the game.
5. Start your KUMAJIRO unit up. MATTHEW WILLIAMS will get up immediately.
Reprogramming
After successfully waking your unit, you may reprogram him to any of the following settings:
Quiet (default)
Snarky (default)
Hipster
French
MANADA (locked)
WWII-Era (locked)
MATTHEW WILLIAMS comes, by default, in Quiet and Snarky. These modes entail that you will either ignore or simply not catch several witty comments which would have had you bursting with laughter; MATTHEW WILLIAMS' meek nature and soft voice have made him used to being overlooked, and he will not do anything if you ask him to repeat his statement five times.
Hipster is unlocked by either giving him weed or giving him money to buy weed. He'll throw out his wardrobe and probably whore himself out for cash to buy low-riding jeans, v-neck shirts, baggy jackets, and emo frame glasses.
Another unlockable mode is French, which is really little else than a seductive MATTHEW WILLIAMS unit who purrs sweet nothings (and sometimes curse words, depending on the victim) in French and wears fashionably revealing clothes, instead of comfortably kid-friendly ones. This unit is unlocked at random - sometimes, leaving him with an IVAN BRAGINSKI or ALFRED F. JONES unit does the trick, but other times it doesn't. It depends on how MATTHEW WILLIAMS feels, and be warned that lapses into this mode can be extremely frightening. Growing up with FRANCIS BONNEFOIS had to leave some mark, after all...
One of the locked modes is MANADA, which is hidden for a good reason. In this mode, MATTHEW WILLIAMS is so dominant that it hurts. He will want to go out and chop down some trees while in MANADA mode, and drinks a lot more than normal. He also speaks in an exaggerated Canadian accent, and will threaten you for small offenses. It can be obtained by reminding him that he is the second-largest country, or by getting him drunk with an ALFRED F. JONES unit.
MATTHEW WILLIAMS' last mode is WWII-Era. This is also locked, and can be unlocked by putting him together with a Frightened GILBERT BEILLSCHMIDT, a Postal ALFRED F. JONES, or any other unit in their wartime/uncommonly serious mode. To get him out of this mode, leave him with an Overprotective Big Brother FRANCIS BONNEFOIS.
Relationships with Other Units
ALFRED F. JONES: He's your unit's younger twin brother, so they're already pretty close. You can interpret that any way you want to. The two of them get together to game every weekend, and ALFRED F. JONES is one of three units who always recognizes MATTHEW WILLIAMS. Your unit gets mistaken for ALFRED F. JONES all the time, but doesn't really get annoyed unless in MANADA or WWII-Era.
FRANCIS BONNEFOIS: Your unit's father figure (and potential love interest; hey, with these units anything is possible!), FRANCIS BONNEFOIS adores his son - when he can see him - and usually speaks to him in French. He also chastises MATTHEW WILLIAMS for eating poutine all the time.
GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT: An unlikely but still hot pair, MATTHEW WILLIAMS and GILBERT BEILLSCHMIDT get along far better than expected. ALFRED F. JONES and IVAN BRAGINSKI units (the two other units who always see MATTHEW WILLIAMS) do not approve, although a FRANCIS BONNEFOIS would be delighted to know that his best friend was becoming his son-in-law. GENBEN GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT also enjoys spending time with MATTHEW WILLIAMS, and is more likely to pounce on him randomly.
IVAN BRAGINSKI: They represent the two largest, coldest countries in the world, and like to get together to play ice hockey on Sundays. Of course, with a little push, that can go a lot further...
Cleaning
Your MATTHEW WILLIAMS can clean himself perfectly fine, and doesn't mind if you bathe with him.
Feeding
MATTHEW WILLIAMS is a great cook, especially in French or Canadian-French foods. He makes the most delicious pancakes you'll ever taste, guaranteed.
Rest
Your unit will sleep when he's tired, usually from about 11PM or so till dawn. Interrupting him might knock him into his MANADA mode, so don't wake him up unless you absolutely have to - and even then, try to avoid it.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: My unit baked these strange-smelling brownies...
A: MATTHEW WILLIAMS has quite the talent for making hash brownies. We are not responsible for any damages done while under the influence of marijuana.
Q: KUMAJIRO went missing and now MATTHEW WILLIAMS is spazzing!
A: Let KUMAJIRO return on his own. MATTHEW WILLIAMS will fix any messes he made when his bear returns.
Q: For some reason, MATTHEW WILLIAMS starts flushing whenever I yank his hair curl, and if I pull too hard he starts crying! What's wrong with him?
A: The haircurl is an erogenous zone...perhaps you shouldn't yank it anymore.
Troubleshooting
Problem: You opened your box and found, instead of a regular MATTHEW WILLIAMS unit, a tiny little thing who speaks only in French. The KUMAJIRO unit is also cub-sized.
Solution: Whoopsie! We've done gone and sent you a MATHIEU BONNEFOIS unit - basically the younger version of MATTHEW WILLIAMS, when he still lived with FRANCIS BONNEFOIS. If you don't want this smaller version, just ship him right back and we'll send you a MATTHEW WILLIAMS instead.
Problem: Your unit bursts into manic laughter randomly, and quite frankly it's starting to scare you.
Solution: Congrats! You've unlocked the Cracked mode! In this mode, he plots world domination and is ten times more likely to end up in a relationship with a Postal ALFRED F. JONES or an Insane IVAN BRAGINSKI. To get him out of this mode, have KUMAJIRO distract him and then reprogram him directly. That is the only failsafe way, so don't try anything stupid!
End Notes
With enough care, love, and pancake batter, you'll find MATTHEW WILLIAMS to be a wonderful companion! We wish you luck and hope you have a good time with him!
A/N: Yeeee.