There was this thing that had been worrying Rodney since he'd woken up with John's shock of black hair next to his hand, John's head pillowed on his arms and John's forehead creased with worry even as he slept.

This thing had been niggling, riding round his mind and taunting him with near glimpses. And it got worse whenever Sheppard was near, like the babble of a far off radio, the static got worse, buzzed in his head, it was like Sheppard was turning the dial too fast to fix on a station and all Rodney could hear was white noise.

It had been a week since the whole Shrine debacle and nearly dying of Alzheimers aged..um...well, to early. Over a week since he had woken up alone in the Infirmary and run to John, feeling like an idiot and a scared child, clutching at John as John had clutched back with worry brimming in his eyes.

He remembered that part, remembered feeling safe and found with John holding on to him, anchoring him to Atlantis like a buoy. He felt like he still had a small hold on a tiny part of him.

He remembered touching John a lot that night, fingers seeking out the firmness of him any way he could. He remembered wanting to taste John, to kiss himself back to reality, to kiss John and wake up Rodney McKay. He remembered how John had dodged the kiss though, pulling him into a rough hug instead, had looked at him with an unreadable expression and steered Rodney back to the Infirmary and stayed there for the rest of the night.

The rest of the time was pretty much a blur, a mess of jumbled images, snatches of conversations about him, to him, but John was always there, smiling that smile that didn't reach his eyes, calling him buddy and touching him back.

He remembered the pain.

Then he woke up, in the infirmary, with John sleeping next to him.

And that was when Rodney had decided he still wanted to kiss John. He wanted to kiss John whilst he was fighting with him, wanted to kiss him after a mission to assure himself that yes, John was still alive under his hands, wanted to kiss him when things were quiet because they never knew when things were going to go to hell again.

He lifted his hand, conscious of not waking the sleeping reluctant hero, and pressed his fingers into John's forehead, smoothing out the worry lines between his eyes. John shifted, so unlike John who usually sprang awake in a second, military training and all, and Rodney couldn't help the pleasure that tiptoed down his spine at he though that John felt comfortable enough with Rodney to stay asleep.

It didn't last though and John shifted from sleep to waking in a few seconds, rubbing his face on his arms and blinking the sleep out of his eyes.

"Hey buddy." this time the smile really reached his eyes and Rodney wanted to smile back, but he was tired, his head hurt, his throat was dry, and whatever mattress Keller had put on the infirmary beds were playing havoc with his back. "How you feeling?" John asked.

Rodney opened his mouth to reply and was greeted with a noise that sounded like a dog trying to miaow.

"I'll get Keller." John said and made to leave, but Rodney, surprising John and himself, darted his hand out, wrapped John' surprisingly delicate fingers in his own and tugged gently once. John stared down at their entwined hands for a few seconds longer than necessary and got the point, he nodded once and handed Rodney the water glass from beside his bed, his fingers brushing over Rodney's as he handed it over.

"Keller tried to make me leave, but I wanted to make sure you were alright." He said and Rodney locked eyes with him over the rim of the glass. There was something in John's eyes that Rodney very rarely saw and he couldn't pin it down. It made John look smaller and more delicate than usual.

"Hey." Was all Rodney managed to say when John took the glass away. John smiled then, a smiled that reached his eyes this time and sat back down.

"Hey." He replied.

That was three days ago. Three days and Keller had finally allowed Rodney to leave. Ronon had been round, patted Rodney harder than was appropriate for someone who had just undergone brain surgery in an unsterilised environment. Teyla had been, with her worried eyes and gentle smile. But John had stayed away. Teyla had mentioned that he was busy and Rodney tried not to let his disappointment show. Teyla patted his hand in understanding and left him alone with his fruit cup.

His quarters felt bigger than he remembered. They felt empty too. He remembered the sheer terror he felt when he realised that his brain was failing and pretty soon he wouldn't remember anything.

But the thing was back, eating at the back of his neck and Rodney rubbed at it, trying to rub away the feeling that he was missing something. Missing a vital clue that would put everything into perspective, why he remembered John more than anyone, what about John made Rodney want to crawl inside John and never leave, why the static sounded more in his ear when John was around, and why John had stayed away from the infirmary for three days.

Rodney wasn't surprised when he found himself at John's door. Only this time he wasn't screaming John's name and pounding on the door like hell hounds were on his heels. He lifted his hand knocked once.

It took a while for John to answer and Rodney was just about to leave, his courage failing him when the door slide open and Rodney's breath caught in his throat. John's unruly hair was for once flat, plastered to his head by water that dripped down onto his bare shoulders and down his arms. A towel was slung low around his hips and Rodney stuttered.

"Hey..um...I...sorry, I'll...go." He made to leave but John snaked his hand out this time, wrapped his fingers around Rodney's arm.

"What's up?" He asked, concern colouring his features. Rodney had a flashback of that face, Rodney's fingers clutching at John, John's face alive with worry and guilt.

"I'm sorry." He blurted out. John's brow furrowed but he pulled Rodney inside and the door slid shut. John picked up a t-shirt from his bed and pulled it over his head, his muscles flexing under skin, Rodney swallowed, hard.

"Sorry for what Rodney?" He asked as his head appeared from the black fabric. Thank god it wasn't the panda t-shirt because Rodney didn't think he would be able to think of anything other than the feel of John under his hands and terror at loosing John.

"Sorry for waking you up, sorry for screaming like a girl and..."

"Whoa...when were you screaming like a girl?" John asked sitting down and adjusting the towel round his waist.

"Before..." Rodney made a sweeping gesture with his hands, he hoped John understood because he didn't think he would be able to actually say when I nearly died.

"Rodney..." John started, pressing two fingers into the bridge of his nose.

"No, just listen. And I'm sorry for being a jerk and for shouting all the time and being cranky but its the only way I know. And I'm sorry that its taken me this long to realise that the noise I hear whenever I see you is because I actually want to kiss you so bad it makes me crazy, and I feel that there is this thing, its like Dynamic Friction, you know two bodies in motion and all that, its just a fact of physics and I know you probably think I'm crazy and are going to punch me in the face any second, and if you do, please avoid my nose, but it has to be said. So there...I said it..." Rodney stopped to draw breath and John stared at him, eyes wide full of, what was that?..." Rodney stopped to draw breath and John stared at him, eyes wide full of, what was that? Relief?

"Don't do that again." John said, his voice sounded dangerously low as he stood and took a step towards Rodney. Rodney had the feeling just like he had once after gym at school that time he had accidentally thrown a ball at Brad Jones' head and he knew he was gonna get punched. He took a step back and collided with a table.

"Yes right, I apologise. It was unnecessary of me to divulge that information with you. It must be some kinda of residual side affect from the parasite and I must have been mistaken in thinking that you...I will get right on trying to forget that this ever happened, by shutting up and leaving right now. Good night Colonel."

"Rodney..." Rodney had turned and now froze, his hand suspended over the door controls. John was suddenly behind him, Rodney could hear the static, like flies buzzing around inside his head and the thing at the back of his neck got worse.

"Rodney, I meant, don't nearly die again." The surprise his Rodney like a punch to the gut and John's eyes were smiling slightly at him.

"Right ok. Got that. No dying. Can do." Rodney stumbled over the words, static building worse in his ears as John came closer.

"I don't think I could..." John didn't finish the sentence because he had cupped Rodney's face in his hands and kissed him. And just like that the static died, like someone had given up trying to find a station and settled on silence, and the thing that had been worrying him, niggling at him for a week, that stopped to because John's hands were at his face, and John's lips, so soft, were on his. Rodney groaned as John pressed his body into him.

"Scared." Rodney murmured when John broke away from the kiss and nipped at Rodney's jaw. "Scared I was gonna forget you." He said as John kissed and licked at the trip hamming pulse in Rodney's neck.

"Not gonna happen." John said, his face serious and Rodney could see the unspoken words in the air between then, I wont let that happen. John kissed him again then, fiercely this time, pent up guilt and worry and frustration poured into it as John walked them backwards and they both tumbled onto that pathetic excuse of an Ancient bed. John squirmed at the intense heavy atmosphere lifted as he grinned that megawatt fly boy grin that usually had the ladies coming running but this time had Rodney groaning against and kissing it off his lips. John arched up into and and all the air left in Rodney's lungs left him in an instant leaving him feeling winded at his already half hard cock rubbed against John's hip.

"God John..." John hooked a leg over the back of Rodney's thigh and did it again, his eyes fluttering closed as he did it.

"I thought you didn't believe in God." John said, breathlessly as Rodney managed to get some semblance of a brain back and mouthed at John's neck.

"I willing to keep an open mind." He said as he pulled back and took in the sight of John Sheppard under him, pupils wide, mouth swollen from kissing.

"Rodney move dammit." John wriggled and Rodney did just that, grinding down hard enough that John arched his whole body, pulling a noise that Rodney wanted to hear over and over right from his feet.

Desperation took over then and they ground against each other, John's hands clutching at Rodney's shoulder and Rodney's arms quivering with the effort of holding himself up. Somehow John managed to work a hand between them and snaked inside Rodney's pants.

"Oh Christ." Rodney groaned at John gripped tight once then moved his hand. The angle was awkward but god it felt good to have John's hand on him, sure firm strokes, and Rodney felt it building in his stomach. "Wait, stop." He whispered and pulled away. John's eyes flashed with uncertainty before Rodney lifted a shaking hand and pulled the towel away from his waist. The uncertainty bled away from John's eyes and he fumbled with Rodney's belt and managed to get pants and boxers down far enough so that Rodney's cock was free. He hooked a leg around Rodney again and pulled them together, his hand wrapping around both of them at the same time and that right there? That was why Rodney was willing to keep an open mind about God. He could feel John's hand around both of them, feel John's cock next to his, the heat and strength of John under him and it didn't take more than a few strokes till his muscles seized up and his was coming, hot over John's hand and belly. He ducked his head and breathed in John, moving once, twice more then feeling John shudder under him.

It was long after the come had dried sticky on Rodney's belly that he attempted to move.

"Hmmm?" John mumbled from under him. "Where going?" His voice was muffled by Rodney's shoulder but he felt the vibrations through his skin and he smiled, kissing John's steady pulse in his neck. John shifted in his half sleep, arching into Rodney.

"No where." Rodney replied, settling down next to him and pulling him close. "Not going anywhere."