Hopelessly Optimisticly Heartbroken

A/N: Hi there! This is my first ever fanfiction and it is also my first ever BTR fanfiction, so please don't hate. I'll do my best with grammar and the format is something I'm experimenting with. I might also do POV's, but that's undecided.

I have been soooo inspired by Kogan's such as On Call, Silent Cries for Salvation and Deliverance, Catch Me When I Fall, It All Started with an Airplane, Staking the Claim, Big Time Survival, Is This an Impossible Love, Broken Hearts and Colored Walls, Here Be Dragons, Shooting Stars and Shooting Stars Part Deux, All Kidding Aside, One Night Together, Prank War, and a whole other bunch of oneshots!

Background stuff: Takes place after Big Time Concert. Kogan slash. Rated M…but not yet. This chapter is just the beginning!

Disclaimer: I never knew what disclaimers were and I still don't so I'm just gonna do what a lot of other people do. I do not own anything…but I do plan on becoming famous someday and meeting Logan and from there on who knows?

Logan Mitchell was sitting alone on the couch in apartment 2J. It was one of those days he just liked to look back at how far he and his friends went. They had gone from four hockey players in Minnesota to a famous band in LA.

Logan sighed. "Where is everybody?"

As if on cue, the other members of Big Time Rush burst into the apartment dripping wet. "Whoo! Man, that was fun!"

Logan tilted his head and looked at Carlos. "What was fun?" Carlos shook some water out of his ears and plopped down next to Logan. "We all went to the beach for a surfing lesson!" Logan pouted. "Oh…cool."

He was slightly hurt because they hadn't invited him and because he had always wanted to learn how to surf, but he didn't want to make his friends feel bad. Kendall saw this immediately, stopped raiding the fridge, and nudged James who caught on quickly. "Don't worry, Logie. It wasn't that great. All we did was get a beginning lesson. No biggie." James nodded. "Yeah! Besides, my hair is all messed up from it, too. Not Fun."

Carlos looked slightly offended by their lack of enthusiasm. "What are you talking about? You guys were laughing your asses and were so having a lot of fun!" Logan said nothing as he got up and walked to his and Kendall's shared room. Kendall and James shot a death glare at Carlos. Kendall walked into the room.

"Hey Logie, I'm really sorry about not inviting you. We were just a huge rush when Guitar Dude invited us." Logan sighed from his position on his bed. "It's alright. Um, can I go next time?" Kendall smirked. He knew Logan hated inviting himself to anything and would only do it if it was something he really wanted, which kinda added to Kendall's guilt. (1)

"Of course, Logan. Like I said, we were in a rush." Logan beamed at his best friend's attempt at cheering him up. "Great!" Kendall started walking out of the room and called out, "But I'm sure you wouldn't have liked it. Especially the wipe-outs. I mean, you being super girly sensitive and all."

Something broke a little inside the boy on the bed. Logan got up from bed and closed the door. He ran a hand through his soft brown hair and sighed. Kendall just did it again. No one knew it, but Logan was gay. He had come to terms with his sexuality when he was 10.

FLASHBACK

Logan was sitting at home watching a movie with his huge family. He had about 30 relatives crammed into his little apartment. The teens and kids were in his small room watching a movie about fighting and whatnot. Both the male and female protagonists took off their shirts and continued kissing. Logan was staring at the guy's amazing body with the girls in the room. One of his cousins noticed and socked him in the arm, but said nothing. It happened every time he watched a movie. He'd stare at the guys more than the girls. One day at school Logan overheard some older kids saying how gay he was and other things like "I bet he likes guys cause of how girly he is."

From then on, he knew he was different. He was gay. Logan leaned his head against the wall and felt just like how he did when he was 12.

FLASHBACK

'I wish I was straight.' Logan blew out the candles on birthday cake. He had been making the same wish every birthday, every shooting star, every eyelash, every coin thrown into a fountain. It never came true and Logan knew it wouldn't, but he couldn't help it. He hated being so different. He blamed everything on being gay. (2)

'I suck at football cause I'm gay.'

'I don't have muscles cause I'm gay.'

'My family is poor cause I'm gay.'

After his 13 birthday he finally accepted himself for who he was. He would look at girls and think, 'Eh, guys are wayyyy hotter.'

Sure, Logan accepted his sexuality, but whenever anyone said something like that, he couldn't help but wonder what life would have been like if he was straight. (3)

Logan snapped out of his thoughts when there was a knock on the door. Mrs. Knight was smiling warmly when he opened the door. "Logan sweetie, dinner's ready." Logan looked at the time and was shocked to see that he had been standing there for an hour. "Thanks Mama Knight."

Logan came out to eat with a fake smile. Carlos, Kendall, and James all yelled out simultaneously as they came to the table. "Hey finally it's fish stick Friday!" Logan could feel Kendall's worried eyes on him. "With TOTS!" he said with almost too much fake enthusiasm. Kendall seemed to buy it as they all dug in.

"So Logan, what'd you do today?" Logan was caught off guard by James's question. "I- er- um, read all day. Yeah. I got this new book about the way your body-" Katie cut off Logan, "We're eating and I'm pretty sure anything that has to do with the body is gonna make us lose our appetites." Logan feigned annoyance while on the inside he thanked Katie for getting him off the hook. He didn't feel much like talking. That one comment had thrown him into a bad mood.

After dinner and showers, everybody went to their respective rooms. "Hey Logie! Guitar dude says that the next lesson's tomorrow so get some rest alright?" Logan suddenly beamed at Kendall. "Alright, sure thing."

Logan lied on his bed thinking. Why was he so suddenly happy to hear Kendall say that?

(1)I do that too. I HATE inviting myself to things.

(2)I used to feel that way and I still do sometimes, but it's going away. I don't wish I was straight anymore, but I still wonder.

(3)My friends are always accidently saying stuff like that, but they don't know how much it really affects me because I haven't come out yet.

Well there you go! It's probably kinda boring right now, but trust me! It gets better! I know it's really short, but I'll try to make them longer. My goal is to get them to be almost as long as Silent Cries chapters. Why was Logan so happy to hear Kendall say that?