The thing Sirius had for James wasn't apparent to most of the residents of Hogwarts. A few of the teachers experienced with such youthful fancies had taken passing note, but it was never brought up by anyone. James knew almost from the first and took it in stride. If anything, it seemed only natural that Sirius would fancy him. He took it as his due, said nothing, and continued to snog as many of the prettiest girls he could.

Peter knew because he liked secrets and he made it his business to find out what people were hiding. It was a talent that had come in handy several times over the years. Remus knew because while he wasn't Sirius' primary confidant he was his primary observer and he noticed everything. That was why when Jamie McClaggen, who was two years older and on the Quidditch team with James, came up to Remus in the common room where James and Sirius had their heads together in a corner and Peter was hovering near a tray of tea things and asked to meet him behind the greenhouses a half hour before evening meal, Remus went. He even tried not to cast a wistful look at Sirius and sigh on the way out of the portrait hole.

The only person who knew about the thing Remus had for Sirius was Peter. He had caught Remus staring at Sirius staring at James staring at Evans. When Remus realized that Peter was watching him there was only the briefest flicker of alarm then he merely raised an eyebrow in that way he always did and let an arch smirk lift the corners of his mouth a little. Peter had gaped for a minute, not getting it, then he'd gone bright red. "No," he'd whispered furiously. "I'm not." Remus had laughed and nudged his shoulder and said, "I know." And they had both collapsed into gales of laughter until even James and Sirius demanded to know what was so funny. "Inside joke," they had replied and submitted to the inevitable pouncing. Remus found it somewhat of a relief to have someone else know, even though he and Peter didn't really talk about it much, and definitely not about his thing for Sirius.

Sirius, who had fled his home and gone to live with James that summer, came back from the holiday ostensibly cured of his thing for James. He began to snog all the prettiest girls, as well, and even Remus and Peter were hard put to recognize the glimmer of yearning that sometimes showed in Sirius' more unguarded moments. Remus' secret, in part, was not so lucky. One afternoon when Peter, James, and Remus had been writing to their families and Sirius had been flipping desultorily through a text he'd nicked from the Restricted Section, Peter had asked Remus offhandedly if he still kept in touch with McClaggen.

James and Sirius had looked up and asked why would Remus be in touch with McClaggen at all. When it had all come out James had given Remus a very penetrating look, but he had said nothing but, "You should've told us before. It doesn't change anything between all of us." Sirius had scowled, though. "McClaggen? That's like robbing the cradle, that is."

"Oi!" Remus had said, taking offense. "I was almost sixteen at the start."

James had agreed with Sirius. "It is a bit dodgy. He didn't force you into anything did he? He always seemed the type that wouldn't take no for an answer."

"Oh, for-" Remus said indignantly. "He didn't force me. I can't believe you two."

The discussion had degenerated into a four way tussle and a witty (to their minds) exchange of insults and things continued on almost as normal.

Almost. Sirius started paying a lot more attention to Remus. Remus was tempted. Oh, was he tempted. Peter even broke their unspoken code of silence and asked why didn't he give in to Sirius. The horny teenage boy in him wanted to. The smitten, lovesick boy nursing unrequited feelings wanted to. But the cautious boy, the part of him that looked after things and protected Remus from himself knew that being with Sirius now would ultimately lead to a world of hurt. Because as much as he might feel for Sirius and as much as Sirius might be interested in exploring certain physical activities, he did not share the feelings that Remus had for him. Remus rather thought that suffering the knowledge that Sirius was with him but really wishing to be with James would hurt more than a full month of transformations.

The only problem was the he could never say no to Sirius when he really pushed.

"It isn't as you've never done this before," Sirius reminded him. He had Remus pushed up against the wall of the tunnel leading to Honeydukes. Their wands were on the floor casting two small circles of illumination on either side of them.

"And that means I should be willing to give you a go just like that, eh?" Remus scowled.

"It's not like that," Sirius sighed impatiently. "I just don't see why you won't. I'm as good looking as McClaggen, better in fact."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Right, because that's all it's about. Let's just try and ignore your gigantic ego for a moment, shall we?"

"So what are you saying, you loved him?"

Remus itched to punch the sneer off of Sirius' face, but he only forced a deep breath and glared.

"No, but that's not the point."

"Then what is?" Sirius leaned in close so their faces were mere inches apart. "I don't see why we can't just have it off now and again. What's the harm in a little experimenting between mates?"

"The difference between you and McClaggen is that he and I had nothing at stake. There's a difference between that and having it off with your best mate."

"James is my best mate." Sirius was smirking like he'd scored a point. Remus ignored the renewed urge to punch Sirius and the flare of hurt that only reminded him why this was the stupidest idea Sirius had ever had.

"One of your best mates, then," Remus clarified.

"Remus. Moony. It's all in fun is what it is. We can help each other out."

He could feel his will eroding. Sirius never let up until he got what he wanted. It made Remus angry because Sirius always ran roughshod over Remus' own wishes.

"Come on, Moony. Just the once. Please."

Remus didn't believe that for a moment, but Sirius could go on like this for hours Remus knew, and Remus also knew he just didn't have the energy to fight it out at the moment. The anger surged up tight in his chest and he grabbed Sirius and with a quick reversal of position had him shoved against the wall.

"Fine," he almost snarled. "Is this what you want?" He pressed the heel of his hand against Sirius' crotch and ground against the bulge there in tight, contained circles.

Sirius snapped his head back against the tunnel wall, letting out a hiss of shock. "Fuck," he gasped. "Warn a bloke."

"Shut it," Remus said, noting that despite his whinging Sirius was groaning and shoving into his hand with tiny little thrusts. Remus really didn't want to see Sirius' cock and he most certainly didn't want it in his hand to feel the weight and thickness and heat of it. But his fingers fumbled with belt and zipper anyway and soon Remus had discovered that the sound of Sirius moaning as Remus worked his hand up and down the shaft of his cock was one of the most exhilarating and addictive things he'd ever heard.

He looked at Sirius and watched his eyelashes flutter and then fly open as Remus thumbed the head of Sirius' prick. Sirius' mouth was slack as he took little panting breaths and his lips shone red and shiny as Sirius darted out his tongue to wet them. Remus knew he shouldn't kiss him. He really did. But he told himself just once, echoing Sirius.

Sirius, it seemed, had no qualms about it at all. He returned the kiss eagerly, fisting his hands in Remus' shirt and hair and pulling in as close as possible with Remus' hand working between them. Remus kept the kiss going as long as he could, thoughts subsumed for once while their tongues were in each other's mouths. Sirius made little whimpering noises as Remus pumped and squeezed, and when Remus could tell Sirius was getting close he pulled away from his mouth and latched onto his neck instead, biting and sucking a red mark to the surface at the base of his throat. Sirius cursed and came, arching off the wall where Remus wasn't pinning him down.

The following day Sirius went back to snogging pretty girls until the next time there was a convenient moment alone with Remus. It was only what Remus expected, and he told himself that it justified the way he kept giving in to Sirius. After all, Remus was operating under no illusions.

If Remus knew that it all was just a lark (because Sirius couldn't have who he really wanted), if he didn't have any expectations, he could let himself have this one thing. Of course it was all bollocks, but he didn't know how to extract himself from the mess now. He became resigned to being the random tryst in between the not infrequent girls Sirius would pull.

It all turned out not to matter anyway because Sirius thought it would be funny to tell Snape how to get past the Whomping Willow, and after that it took a while for the four of them to regroup. By the time Sirius had gotten around to making an overture of a sexual nature to him again, Remus' walls were firmly up and his backbone had been sufficiently and permanently stiffened as a result of Sirius' utter lack of impulse control.

Remus had been startled when Sirius had climbed onto his bed. James and Peter had gone to the kitchens and Sirius had stayed behind to finish up a last minute essay for Potions. Sirius hadn't crept into his bed since before things had gone so wrong, and now he was merely sitting there silently watching Remus page through his Transfiguration notes. It was disconcerting. Remus raised his eyes and looked askance at Sirius.

"Remus," Sirius said, sounding unaccustomedly hesitant. "Are you very busy?"

"No, just going over a few things." He placed the parchment beside him and stretched his neck back and forth to work out the kinks. "Did you need something?"

"No. I just I thought we might talk a bit." Sirius chewed his lower lip and shuffled on his knees closer to where Remus was sitting. "I've missed you."

Remus didn't protest the sentiment. He felt the difference between them and while he hated it, at the same time he couldn't see an easy way around it.

"What do you want to talk about?"

Sirius looked at a loss for a moment, but he finally smiled and Remus could see the tension in his body ease a little. "Did you see what Evans did to James earlier when he asked her to Hogsmeade again?"

Both boys sniggered. James' misadventures in trying to pull Evans was always good for a laugh.

"Indeed I did. Prongs is a glutton for punishment, I'd say."

"Likes a woman with a firm hand, he does."

It felt good to laugh with Sirius again. Remus could almost forget the way he'd felt when he'd realized how Sirius had used him so thoughtlessly and easily in his vendetta against Snape, but then Sirius moved even closer and slid his palm around the back of Remus' neck. "Remus," he murmured and then he kissed him.

After the first surge of shock and adrenaline that kept him immobilized, Remus forced himself to pull away slowly. His heart was trip-hammering in his chest, but he kept his voice low and even. "No, Sirius."

Sirius wasn't looking at him. Their faces were still close, but Sirius had let his hand drop beside him where it clenched in the mussed covers of Remus' bed.

"I think we've done enough experimenting." He tried hard not to let his voice twist bitterly on the last word, even though a part of Remus wanted to say, 'You don't get to use me like this, as well'.

But that would be cruel and no matter how angry he might sometimes get at Sirius, Remus didn't want to be cruel. Besides, he thought Sirius might have understood the unspoken message anyway because he nodded, shifting back awkwardly until he could climb off the bed. "Right." He plunged his hands into his pockets and shifted his weight back and forth from foot to foot. "I'm sorry. I'm-I think I'll go to the kitchens after all. Feeling a bit peckish."

Remus watched him flee.

In seventh year, when Lily began to give James the time of day, Sirius renewed his efforts to spend more time with Remus, only this time he kept things at an acceptably marauderly level. Remus couldn't deny that he enjoyed it and that he and Sirius did manage to put much of the old baggage behind them and became closer as a result.

Sirius seemed determined to make the most of his last year and threw himself into his friends, James when he was there and Remus, and Peter to a lesser extent, much of the rest of the time. Things were easier and happier for all of them that year despite the uncertainty waiting for them outside of Hogwarts. It did surprise Remus that Sirius had seemed to lose interest in dating but perhaps that was because he'd already had anyone that he had wanted. Well, except for James, of course.

Hogsmeade visits meant James and Lily off on their own, while Sirius, Peter, and Remus wandered from Zonko's to the Three Broomsticks, or sometimes the Hogshead when Sirius wanted to wallow in unsavoriness. Then Peter got a girlfriend and it was just the two of them on the last Hogsmeade weekend of their school careers.

They got comfortably drunk and made their way back to Hogwarts with arms slung companionably over shoulders and singing ridiculous made up songs with crude rhyming schemes and cruder lyrics.

"Let's go to the Shack, Moony," Sirius urged. "Got some more firewhiskey stashed there. Not ready to toddle off to bed yet are you?"

"Suppose not," Remus agreed.

Inside the tunnel they stumbled in single file randomly singing snatches of song along the way. When they finally clambered through the trapdoor, they flicked their wands at the battered wall sconces and collapsed against the dusty floorboards. After a moment, they turned their heads to grin at each other.

"That's a long walk when you're a bit..." Remus waved his hand about lazily.

"Lit?" Sirius grinned. "Young man, have you been drinking?"

"Who me? Perish the thought. I used to be a prefect, you know."

Sirius laughed. "Once a prefect always a prefect?"

Remus nodded solemnly. "Forever sworn to trod the straight and narrow and...and all that bollocks."

"I'm trying very hard here not to make the obvious joke."

Remus snorted. "I commend your restraint."

Sirius grinned and rolled onto his side, propping up on his elbow to stare down at Remus.

"Moony," he said in a drawn out way. "I have a little confession to make."

Remus groaned, throwing an arm across his eyes and hunching his shoulders up in a cringe. "What is it?"

"Well," Sirius said slowly. "I didn't bring you here to drink firewhiskey."

"No?" Remus moved his arm up his forehead so he could see Sirius peering down at him. "Why did you then?"

"Because I wanted to tell you something."

Remus merely raised his eyebrows and waited.

"I wanted to tell you that-that I fancy you." Sirius' eyes had gotten very wide and he watched Remus with visible trepidation.

"This again," Remus said. "I thought we-"

"No, I mean," Sirius cut in hastily. "I more than-I like you. I-" Sirius shut his eyes. To Remus' astonishment, he was actually blushing. "More than like you."

When he opened his eyes again Remus was glaring. Sirius winced, hastily sitting up and curling his arms around his knees protectively.

"Don't. Don't Sirius." Remus said, sitting up as well.

"I can't exactly help it!" Sirius tucked in his chin, trying to hide his hurt underneath a scowl.

Remus was furious. He wasn't allowed to look like that. It was beyond unfair. Ridiculous.

"What about James?"

Startled, Sirius looked at Remus in bewilderment. "What about him?"

"I know you've fancied him for years."

Sirius flushed again, confusion and shame washing over his face as his mouth worked soundlessly.

"Don't deny it."

"I won't," Sirius said quietly, pressing his chin against his knees and staring down at the floor. "I don't know how you know but, yeah, I did for the longest time."

"Like last year when you were having it off with me every chance you got?"

Sirius winced and shrunk into himself even more.

"Like this year when you scowl every time you see Lily talking to Prongs without hexing him?"

"Remus," Sirius said and his voice had a desperate thread to it now.

"Just don't tell me you fancy me when I've never been who you've really wanted."

"You're wrong!" Sirius cried. "Maybe I was an arse before. I know I was, but...I didn't realize until..."

Remus refused to look at him, refused to ask him to elaborate. He could feel himself trembling with repressed emotion.

"I fucked up so much last year, and when you weren't around anymore I realized how much I missed you being there. I realized how much I needed that. But I had bollocksed it all up and you wouldn't have anything to do with me. Not like that. And I couldn't blame you."

Remus stayed silent.

"I tried to make up for it, to be a good mate and not want anything else, but I just can't help it, Moony." Sirius sounded as if he was pleading. "Just believe me about this much at-"

Remus was ruthless. "What about all those looks you're still giving James this year? You think I haven't seen it?"

Sirius looked ashamed again. "I'll admit, I have been jealous, but not like you think. I've never really had to share him before, and you know I don't like sharing." Remus suppressed a snort at that. "Everything has changed since he's been with Lily."

"So you're at loose ends, is that it?" Remus said bitterly. "Finally realized that he'll never be a possibility so you've decided to make do with what's at hand? Ran out of girls to use as substitutes and decided to work your way back to me?"

"No!" Sirius was angry now, too. "Is it so hard to believe that I want you, Remus? Is it so hard to believe that I might love you?"

"Tell me this, Sirius." Remus said. "Answer me this honestly. If James came to you tonight, now, and said that he wants you, that he loves you, that he's realized that Lily isn't the one for him, that the two of you should be together, what would you do?"

The silence was answer enough and Remus pushed to his feet. "Goodnight, Sirius." He was almost to the door when Sirius grabbed his upper arm and swung him around.

"Don't you run away from me, Remus," Sirius growled.

"There's nothing more to say," Remus shot back, trying to wrench his arm away. "Let's just forget this conversation ever happened."

"I don't want to forget." Sirius shoved and kept pushing until Remus was backed into the wall. "You are going to hear me out whether you like it or not, Lupin." Remus snarled and jerked his knee sharply between Sirius' legs. Sirius swore, just managing to twist enough to avoid the brunt of it. He gripped Remus tighter and flung them down to the floor where they rolled about each trying to get the upper hand.

"Fucker," Sirius spat as Remus got his hands deep in Sirius' hair and tugged hard. "You fight like a girl you nancying little fuck."

"Oh, did that hurt?" Remus taunted, writhing wildly in an attempt to dislodge Sirius who had managed to straddle him and was now pinning his hips and shoulders to the floor. Sirius ignored the stinging in his scalp and leaned all his weight into Remus.

"You are going to listen to me," Sirius insisted between panting breaths.

"Fuck you." Remus glared.

"That works for me, too." Sirius gave him a vicious grin and bent closer to murmur in Remus' ear. "How do you want me? On my hands and knees or on my back?"

Remus' hands clenched convulsively, drawing a pained gasp from Sirius. Fucking Sirius, Remus thought as the provocative words in his ear made him go rigid with shock and lust. Fucking bastard.

"I don't want you at all!"

"Liar," Sirius said, grinding against Remus' rock hard cock. "You're a fucking liar. I know you want me."

"I hate you," Remus snarled before he yanked Sirius's face to his and attacked his mouth with a bruising kiss. Sirius opened up to the onslaught and Remus pushed his tongue inside, slicking along the underside of Sirius' tongue and drawing it into his mouth to suck hard. Sirius groaned into it, his hands slipping from Remus' shoulders to the floor.

Taking advantage of the sudden freedom, Remus bucked and rolled them until he was on top and Sirius was the one pinned beneath him. "You want me to fuck you, do you?" He still sounded angry. "You want my cock up your arse?" Sirius nodded, eyes dark and wide. "Yeah, Moony. I want it. Fuck me."

Remus scowled down at him. Fucking wanker. Idiot. "Get your kit off then." Remus moved over and continued to glare as Sirius sat up and scrambled to remove his clothing as quickly as possible.

When Sirius was naked he knelt uncertainly next to Remus, eyes shining with excitement and practically vibrating with nervousness and anticipation. This was something they'd never done. They'd never gone past hand jobs and blow jobs and an occasional rutting session the few times they'd been lying in bed together. Remus was angry enough to ignore his own trepidation, to sublimate the insecurities that bloomed just by looking at the perfection that was Sirius fully naked-naked and thrumming and waiting to be fucked by him.

"Lie down," Remus ordered. "On your back."

Sirius did, biting his lip as he let his legs fall apart so that Remus could crawl up between them. His eyes widened as Remus took out his wand and whispered a spell, and then Remus was nudging against his hole with slippery fingers. He worked the first one in, watching Sirius' chest hitch and rise and fall rapidly. When the tight clench around his finger eased he added another and took his time working Sirius open. He didn't stop until Sirius was rocking his hips up off the floor and making a sound like a swallowed whine in the back of his throat.

Remus wiped his hand on his trousers, undid his flies, then pushed Sirius' knees to his chest, watching him flush as Remus raked his eyes over him. "Say it again. Tell me what you want."

Sirius didn't hesitate. "I want you to fuck me." As Remus lined up the head of his cock Sirius reached down and gripped his legs under his knees, holding himself open for Remus. "Fucking pound me."

Choking back a moan, Remus pushed past the tight resistance and shoved in as slowly as he could, but the sounds Sirius was making were driving him crazy and the tight heat around his cock felt so incredible that he gave a final, sharp thrust that seated him fully inside Sirius. "Oh, God," Sirius moaned, a line furrowed between his brows.

"Does it hurt?" Remus managed to say. "Should I stop?"

A ragged laughed spilled out of Sirius. "Are you trying to make me beg? Because I will."

A jolt of pure lust twisted through his insides and Remus pulled back almost completely and thrust in again, setting a slow pattern of hard, deliberate strokes that drove both him and Sirius wild. At some point Sirius did start begging and Remus' hips snapped harder and faster, and he must've been doing something right because Sirius cried out in sharp surprise that quickly degenerated into a series of wanton moans. When Remus wrapped his hand around Sirius' cock it only took a few haphazard strokes before Sirius was coming, his arse clenching rhythmically around Remus' cock. Remus slid his hands up the backs of Sirius' thighs, pressing until his shoulders were flat on the floor and his arse raised as Remus pounded into it hard and deep. With a long, low moan, he collapsed against Sirius letting his legs slide back down to the floor.

They lay there in a boneless heap until Remus started thinking again. He had just begun to shift when Sirius wound his arms and legs and around him and held on like a limpet. "Don't go anywhere," he whispered.

"Sirius, let go."

"No," Sirius said stubbornly. "If I do you'll run off."

"Sirius." Remus' voice was low and dangerous.

"Just listen to me for once." Sirius tightened his arms. "Please."

"Fine," Remus said reluctantly. "Let go and I'll listen."

Warily, Sirius released him and Remus sat up, trying not to look at Sirius and the sticky mess on his belly. He quickly did up his trousers as Sirius pushed up to his elbows and then got to his knees.

"What I would do," Sirius said slowly and clearly. "Is I would tell James this, "Hey, Prongs, sorry that you missed out on the most amazing opportunity of your life because I realized quite a while ago now that I am in love with Moony. Sorry, and all that, but you're still my best mate. Not to my mention good-as brother now that I think of it, and that would be rather too much of a pureblood cliche, so I hope you don't mind if we skip it. You'd understand if you knew what a brilliant shag Moony is. Ta, then."

Unwillingly, Remus felt a horrible desire to laugh and to do an embarrassing dance of unabashed glee and triumph. He managed a skeptical tone, though.

"Really?"

"Yes, really." Sirius crawled closer. "And you know what else?"

Sirius was still naked and still covered in white, sticky come, and Remus wanted to squirm as Sirius moved much too close for comfort.

"You love me, too."

"How do you know that?" Remus countered.

"Peter told me."

The little rat, Remus thought.

"He told me that I'd better stop fucking about now that we're almost done with school, and if I didn't get off my arse and make you see reason then some fit bloke would sweep you off your feet once we left Hogwarts, and I'd really never have another chance to make up for being a complete arse."

"I don't think there's enough time in the world for you to make up for being an arse."

"Perhaps not," Sirius admitted, but he shuffled closer until he had managed to straddle Remus' lap and he gave him his most charming smile. "But you're going to let me try."

The thing was, Remus thought, he probably was./lj-cut