Words are all we have

- Samuel Beckett

And I suppose I should thank Kudos once more, too. But what follows this disclaimer (save HR/spooks) is mine. And what great fun it's been sharing it with you! In fact, it wouldn't have been half the fun if not for you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Reconciliation 29

"I know you've read my journal," she says.

He goes very still, his hand resting on top of hers.

"And I know why." She says into the silence. "It's really all right, Harry. I'm actually glad that you did. Now." She adds. "Then I was livid. And mortified."

He says nothing, his eyes riveted on her face. But he begins to stroke her hand.

"I said a lot of things in it." She looks away for a moment. "I was in a very bad place, Harry. But," and she looks back up at him, "I'm better now." She smiles gently. "Because of you. Because you read it. Because you didn't give up on me. And maybe," she shrugs a bit, "maybe I wanted you to read it although I would have denied it emphatically at the time."

"It's over, Ruth. The past." He says, still stroking her hand, still staring at her.

She shakes her head. "But you see, that's just it. It is the past that I must put to rest if I am to have a future. A real future."

"But you're getting better." He says softly. "You are."

She takes a shaky breath. "I'm trying to get better. But I still have some...issues. Serious ones. And as much as I want to, it's not enough."

"I don't understand. What isn't enough? "

She sighs. "I can't just want to get better. I have to work at it. too. And for that, I need to make some changes in my life. So I can have the life that I want. "

"What kind of changes?" His eyes turn dark, and his hand rests on hers once again.

"My life. Back home. Here. In Greece. Nico. And …of course, George. I still feel that it's my fault."

"Ruth."

"Please. Let me finish. I know intellectually, perhaps, it's not. That there are other factors." She shakes her head.

"It isn't your fault. It isn't," he says, a note of desperation creeping into his voice. "You must believe that."

"I'm trying, Harry, I'm trying. And in fact, that's exactly the point I'm trying to make. I need to believe it. Because just saying it doesn't make it real for me." She takes a breath. "This became clear to me when..." She pauses then goes on. "Today, while you were gone, I not only had a CT, I also saw a psychiatrist. And a nutritionist...a specialist in…eating disorders." She takes another breath. "I like them. Both. Very much."

"That's good. Right?" And he begins to pat her hand.

She nods. "Yes. And I want to continue seeing them."

"Good." He says, nodding back. "Good."

"But I want to see them here. Because it is here I need to be."

"Yes. In hospital." I understand," he says.

"No, Harry." She says softly. "I can see that you don't. And I understand why. It was only after I spoke to the psychiatrist that I could see. Really see." And she adds as gently as she can, "Harry, I need to stay here. In Greece. On Crete. It's here that I need to be. To heal. I like the people. The culture. And it is here that I need to put back the pieces. So that I can go on."

He clears his throat. "For how long, Ruth?"

"I don't know," she says. "It all depends. I just don't know."

He feels the blood drain out of him as the full implication begins to hit him.

" I….need to get on with my life," she says so softly that he has to strain to hear her. "And you need… to get on with yours."

"Ruth." He says, looking suddenly years older. "I thought that we…"

"Yes. We." She nod and smiles. "Don't you understand that I am giving us a chance, a real chance, even if you think it a strange way of doing so?"

"I don't understand." He says his voice barely recognizable. "You want me to… leave? " He says the last in little more than a whisper.

"Because I want us to be together. Really together."

"You're not making any sense." He says, louder, much louder. And he hears the petulance in his voice. And he finds that he doesn't give a damn how he sounds.

"I am making sense. The most I have. In a long time."

"You said—"

"Do you trust me? Do you?"

"This had nothing to do with trust." He says, taking his hand off of hers. But she grabs it back.

"This has everything to do with trust," she says, still holding on to his hand with every bit of strength she has. "Because if you do, and I hope that you do, you must leave. Trust me that I will continue to take care of myself here. We can speak on the phone, email. Write letters. Real letters. I love letters, don't you? "

"Letters? He says dumbly. "You want to write letters?"

"And then after I have worked out what I need to," she says, ignoring the tone in his voice, "I am an analyst after all...then, after…we can see about us."

"Us? What kind of us? You here and me…thousands of miles apart?"

"Not thousands. More like 1600 or so." She says, a sad smile on her face.

"It might as well be thousands. Millions." He turns his face from her.

"Oh, Harry." She shakes her head. It's not that far." She sighs. "There is one thing that I know to be constant. True in my journal. I meant everything I wrote in it about you. If you trust me, Harry. If you ….feel the same about me that I feel about you, then we have to do it this way. And the physical distance won't matter. Can't you see that?"

He looks back at her. "All I can see is an ocean between us. Besides," he says suddenly, "Where will you live? Do?" Without me? The petulant child returns and takes up residence in his head. Want Ruth. Now. With me. Now. He tightens his grip around her hand.

But she goes on talking serenely despite his grip. "I'm not sure. Maybe Melia's for a while. Or maybe you can help me find a place. I like this town. Not too close to Nico, but it will comfort me knowing he's not that far away, either. And when I'm ready, when it's right, I'll contact them. Call them first, and take it from there. You made me see that. Remember, Harry?" She goes on into the heavy silence, ignoring the ache now settling in her hand. "And I like that it's not Polis. Not Cyprus. But that it's still Greece." She starts to talk faster. "I need this. I need to find myself again before there is an us. Can't you see, Harry?"

He blurts out. "But I don't want to leave you. I don't. I need you, Ruth. "And with that, the little boy comes out kicking and flailing. "And you need to be with me. Not here. Alone. And me over there. Alone." He shakes his head. "I won't have it. I just won't." And he pulls her hand close to his heart. "I can handle your not being at work, but not here. So far away. From me. I need to end the day with you. To have you next to me. With me." His voice drops. "I need you. Ruth. That's why you can't leave me. We belong ..."

"Oh, Harry," she says, her voice exceedingly gentle, "Can't you see? I'm not leaving you. I want us to be together. But I want it to be right. And I need to be whole before that happens. Don't you want that for me?"

"Of course I do. But you can do that at home." With me, the little boy adds, not mollified at all, now pressing her hand to his heart.

Her eyes begin to fill. "Harry. Please. I'm taking your advice. I need you to let me do so. Help me to do the right thing."

"Advice? I never said anything about leaving—"

'"Each of us has a job to do.'" She quotes him. "You told me that mine was to get better. And you also said that I should let you do your job. Well, that is what I am doing, Harry."

"But my job is to take care of you. With you. Not miles apart."

"Your job is to trust me." She says looking into his eyes. "Trust me. Trust me that I will take care of myself. Heal. Become whole. Please." She whispers the last. "Help me. So there can be an us."

"But we'll be apart." He says.

She smiles brilliantly. "Harry. You will always be with me. Here. No matter the distance." And she tugs his hand away from his heart and places it over hers.

He can feel her heart beating under his hand. He is sure she can hear the thudding in his own chest, too, so loudly is it beating. But all he can do is stare at her. Her crystal clear eyes, beseech him, speak to him, and will him to understand, to know, to see, to feel what it is she feels in her own heart, his hand still over it.

After an eternity, it seems, he slowly nods. She nods back. And at last, their arms reach for one another.

-The end-

But wait! There's a sequel in the works!

Please look for KARDIA MOU (my little heart) to be posted very soon. Again, many, many thanks for your interest and feedback. I couldn't have written this without you!