Dearest Readers,
"I may be fat, but I can still bend over far enough so that you can kiss my ass."
*The chapter is going to be set up a bit like chapter 21 in the sense that there's a song. DO NOT TELL ME IF I MESS UP THE LYRICS. Also, I will site the song at the end of the chapter as well.
SONG: "My Heart Is Broken" by Evanescence
Read on, Folks.
The Heart
They sat in comfortable silence on opposite ends of the couch, each lost in their own head. As Hinata was making the tea, Shikamaru had trotted back to his bedroom and grabbed his notebook, and was now curled up on one end of the couch. Hinata had placed a cup of tea on the floor next to him as he tapped his pen against his lips, a deep thoughtful gleam in his eyes.
Shikamaru was surprised that Neji was still gone. Usually he doesn't stay out for very long, but he figured that Neji was feeling cooped up and needed to get out for a while. He stared at the blank page in front of him, tapping the pen against his lips. He had found that he felt a strange sense of relief when he talked to Hinata about his mother. He was being bombarded by memories of his mother and Hinata's words echoed in his head.
He sighed and made a little scribble in the corner of the page.
He felt different, but he couldn't describe it. Even after just one conversation with Hinata about his mother, he felt things that he didn't quite understand. He felt some tension leave his thin body and a bizarre sense of relief in his mind.
Talking about it is what is making you feel like this.
It feels kind of weird.
I would have been surprised if it did not. You have kept a death-grip on virtually every aspect of your life, but now you are releasing your grip on your mother.
But Hinata said I can have her back.
And she is correct, but what I mean is that you are releasing your grip on your mother in the sense that you are talking about her.
But—
Think of it as introducing your mother to the Boy and Girl.
Shikamaru paused.
Introducing her?
Yes, they do not know a whole lot about her do they? So in order to have your mother back, you need to talk about her. Get the Boy and Girl to know her.
So—
You have been pushing your mother away for so long that you cannot make comparisons with her anymore…until now. Since you have been pushing her away since she died, it feels as though she left.
This goes back to what Hinata was saying, doesn't it? Mom didn't really go anywhere, but I made it seem as though she has.
Very good. So in order to "let" her come back, you have to talk about her. Since you need to talk about her and the Boy and Girl will listen, you should introduce your mother to them.
He paused.
The Girl said that she does not understand what kind of pain you are experiencing because of your mother.
Right.
So make her understand.
How?
He felt Alecto's presence fade away. Shikamaru's eyes focused back on the blank sheet of paper. He began to feel his mind and emotions "work together," giving him the things he needed to write.
Hinata felt a smile cross her face when she heard Shikamaru writing. She continued to read herbal recipes and making notes in the process. She had also been surprised that Neji had not returned yet. It wasn't like him to stay away for so long, but she figured that he needed fresh air and space, much like herself.
Tick.
Tock.
Tick.
Tock.
Hinata's ears perked when she noticed that Shikamaru's writing seemed to become more frantic. She glanced up at him and that his brow was furrowed as he stared intently on his words. She smiled again, glad that Shikamaru was writing and venting.
Shikamaru sniffed and then sneezed. Hinata looked up at him, startled. Her sensitive eyes saw the glassiness in Shikamaru's eyes and wondered what the young man was thinking…possibly something about his mother.
Tick.
Tock.
Tick.
Tock.
He dropped his pen and stretched his arms over his head, releasing a small groan. He stood, placed his open notebook where he had been sitting, and picked up his tea mug off the floor. Hinata looked up at him with a soft smile and Shikamaru pointed to her mug on the floor, silently asking if she wanted more tea. She nodded politely and handed Shikamaru her mug.
As Shikamaru was in the kitchen, Hinata strained her eyes to look at what he had written. She couldn't quite read the words, but she did notice how his handwriting changed towards the bottom of the page. She leaned back as she heard Shikamaru shuffle back into the living room, handing her mug to her. Hinata saw a wide variety of emotions swirling in Shikamaru's dark eyes, but chose to remain quiet.
"I wonder why Neji has been gone for so long." Shikamaru mused finally, breaking the silence. Hinata shrugged.
"I don't know. I'm sure he'll be back soon though." Silence fell between them again.
Tick.
Tock.
Tick.
Tock.
"What are you reading?" Shikamaru asked, making Hinata look up at him.
"Herbal recipes." She replied, pleasantly surprised that Shikamaru wanted to have an actual conversation.
"Find any good ones?" She nodded excitedly.
"Oh yes, plenty of them. I've been marking the ones I want to try. Plus," She reached to the table behind her and grabbed another book. "I bought this other book that I'm going to read through as well."
"And what's that one?"
"Other recipes." She blushed. "I like reading recipes and anything herbal related. I like medicine in general." She gave him a bright smile. Shikamaru felt himself soften as Hinata's demeanor reminded him of another special woman.
"I have tons of books like that up there." He said, pointing to the top shelf of the tall bookshelf to his right. Hinata's eyes brightened.
"Why didn't I notice those sooner?" She asked in a joking tone, smiling again.
Shikamaru's eyes lingered on the health books and he slowly placed his tea mug on the floor and stood, walking over to the bookshelf. He read the titles of the health books on the top shelf and pulled a few down, having to stand on the very tips of his toes. He felt Hinata's curious stare on him. Walking back towards her, he placed the books on the couch between them. He tapped his delicate fingers on the top one.
"These are my mother's. She collected tons of books like classic stuff and recipe books." He tapped his fingers again. "You can read through them if you want. I'm sure you'll find something you like." He hesitated, his eyes darkening slightly. "The ones I have were some of her favorites. I wasn't able to grab anymore." Hinata nodded, knowing that Shikamaru had ran away from home and couldn't take many things with him.
"Thank you, Shikamaru. I appreciate you letting me read them." Shikamaru gave a huffed laugh.
"She would've really liked you. She probably would've thrown them at you if she knew you liked them too." He said in a small joking manner. Hinata was taken aback by the burst of positivity.
Shikamaru continued to lightly tap his fingers on top of the stack of books, lost in thought. Hinata eyed him carefully, wondering if Shikamaru would say any more. He blinked rapidly and slowly reached for the notebook that he placed on the back of the couch. He stared at it in his delicate hands, still thinking. Hinata felt her heart pound in her chest. Giving himself a small nod of confirmation, he gently placed the notebook on top of the stack of health books and stood, grabbing his tea mug in the process.
"That's other reading material if you want it." He mumbled, not looking at her. He shuffled back towards his bedroom, leaving Hinata with his written thoughts.
xXxXx
Hinata pushed the other books away from her and laid the notebook flat on the couch, her heart pounding. She couldn't describe what she was feeling about the fact that Shikamaru was letting her read more of his deeper thoughts and allowing her inside his head. She listened to make sure that Shikamaru really was away from her before turning to read what he had written.
My Heart Is Broken
I will wander 'til the end of time, torn away from you.
Hinata automatically knew that Shikamaru was talking about his mother.
I pulled away to face the pain.
I close my eyes and drift away
Over the fear that I will never find
A way to heal my soul.
And I will wander 'til the end of time
Torn away from you.
She felt her eyes and heart soften. Shikamaru was talking about the beginning process of dealing with his mother's death. She was slightly confused by the first line. She knew that Shikamaru did everything he could to avoid thinking about his mother, but he didn't do that to confront the pain; he did that so he wouldn't have to deal with it. It was the second, third, and fourth lines that struck her the most. She bit her lip and continued.
My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my Dark Angel
Deliver us from sorrow's hold
(Over my heart).
She rubbed her eyes and held her face. "Sweet sleep, my Dark Angel." She remembered how Shikamaru described his mother as being a kind of light and how dark his world became when she died…when she went to "sleep." To her, this stanza told her how Shikamaru understood that he must talk about his mother in order to healthily cope with her death. She remembered telling him that he can have his mother back if he would let her… "deliver" him from the sorrow and pain he feels because of her death. But her heart dropped when she saw "us." Why was he using third person?
I can't go on living this way
But I can't go back the way I came
Chained to this fear that I will never find
A way to heal my soul
And I will wander 'til the end of time
Half alive without you
She released a smell yelp of happiness when she read the first line. Shikamaru mentions a fear that he has talked about in relation to his mother. He's mentioned the fear of changing, but not the fear of actually getting better. The way he talks about this fear, it could have multiple meanings. The last line reminded her of when Shikamaru felt like he died as well when his mother died. It seemed as though Shikamaru was saying that he truly didn't want to live his self-destructive lifestyle anymore. Hinata's hopeful smile grew.
My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my Dark Angel
Deliver us
Shikamaru's dark angel is his mother, but two things were bothering her. Why was she a "dark" angel when he's said that she was bright? And why was he using third person again?
Change
Open your eyes to the light
I denied it all so long, oh so long
Say goodbye, goodbye
Hinata's eyes widened at the word "goodbye," but now she was confused as to why Shikamaru said "your." He's saying that he's been denying the light for so long and that he needs to say goodbye…maybe. She couldn't quite make out if he was saying goodbye or if he's saying someone else should say goodbye…he's probably telling the "your" person to say goodbye…she didn't quite understand. She continued on.
My heart is broken
Release me
I can't hold on
Hinata's brow furrowed. Did he mean that his mother has such a paralyzing grip on him and he's telling her to release him from it? And is he saying that he can't hold on to her anymore? But they've discussed how Shikamaru can still have his mother with him, but only in memory. So it sounds like he wants his mother's death to let go of him and that he doesn't want to hold on to it anymore. He wants the pain to let go of him and he wants to let go of the pain.
My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my Dark Angel
Deliver us from sorrow's hold [1]
Her eyes focused in on "us" again, not understanding why Shikamaru is using third person. She closed the notebook and flopped back against the couch with her eyes closed. Over the course of a few months, she felt like this was probably the biggest breakthrough. The conversations she's had with him and the first song he wrote were insightful, but it was this song that offered so much to her.
She was blown away, not only by her own emotions, but also by Shikamaru's raw honesty and word choice. She smiled, knowing that Neji would be thrilled. She stretched and rubbed her eyes. Hinata kept the notebook on her chest and began to feel herself drift off into a nice nap.
Her eyes snapped open and a bright smile crossed her face as she heard the door open.
xXxXx
[1]: "My Heart Is Broken" by Evanescence (I took a stanza out at the end, but that's the only change I did)
As always, patience and reviews/PMs would be very much appreciated!
When-Rabbit-Howls