A/N: Alright guys! I'm not dead! Not only that, but I'm writing a chaptered story (this is only, like, my second ever in fanfiction), which I usually don't finish. But I have high hopes for this one, since the entire plot is pretty me and I don't really have as much of a problem writing it. I usually get stuck and stuff, but I'm on chapter eight (eight!) and still going strong.

Anywho, I feel obligated to explain this story a little bit because I'm not sure if the plot will make sense. Basically, the story just details the events of one night and the morning after, although the chapters aren't in chronological order. It starts off with the morning, in this chapter, which is supposed to be kind of like an introduction, (yeah, sorry for the lack of action or anything in the very beginning, it picks up in chapter two and way picks up in four). Next chapter is night, and next is morning, I'm just kind of skipping around and filling in the plot.

So don't be like 'aaah what day is this wtf is going on' because it's NOT IN ORDER and if everyone just saw this author's note and went tl;dr then hopefully you noticed the capital letters screaming at you.

There's also no porn till chapter five so if that's why you're here then wait.

1

"Hey Logan," Kendall sighed, tapping his fingers against the side of his knee. "Call me back if you get this soon, if not…just forget about it, I guess, I kind of need a ride home, so…yeah. Call me. Alright, bye."

"You leave the most awkward voicemails," James put in the instant he hung up, folding his arms across his chest and acting like such a goddamn diva. It was just something about the semi-demeaning look on his face and the fact that he wasn't taking any responsibility for getting the two into a remarkable mess. Three if you counted the mohawk guy sitting silently at the table across the room.

"Yeah, well, you're disgusting," Kendall muttered into his hands before pulling them down his face exasperatedly. "This is all your fucking fault. Don't even talk to me."

Mohawk guy looked up apprehensively, eyeing James and Kendall. Kendall glared in his direction, and he quickly returned his gaze to the table, tapping his foot and sighing. God, this was all such bullshit. Kendall didn't even know this guy. He was sitting in the living room of someone he didn't even know. Making himself right at home and arguing with a narcissistic moron. Greatest weekend ever.

"Well, you came with me. So it's really all your fault." James pointed out, sitting down on the couch and crossing his legs.

"Don't even fucking- James!" Kendall snapped, losing it for good. "Don't pull that on me. I'm the one stranded in Fuck Nowhere, California- hell, I don't even know where the fuck I am- wearing some stranger's mom's clothes, with pudding up my ass and goat hair all over me and god knows what in my bloodstream, and I have no way of getting home, and you can just shut the fuck up.

Mohawk guy slowly raised his head, beginning to speak in an utter monotone. "You know, every time you say profanity, a baby sea lion dies."

Kendall looked back at him incredulously. "What the- who are you?"

"I don't know," he replied. "You are in my house, though. I don't know why."

The look of incredulity turned instantly to a hard glare. He pointed at James meaningfully before sighing, wrapping his arms around his legs and resting his chin on his knees. This was so fucked up. So, so fucked up. Kendall swore the pudding was starting to congeal like all left-out pudding does, and it was the most incredibly gross thing to ever exist. Snacks he'd never eat ever again, number fifty-three.

"C-Can I say something?" James asked timidly, bracing himself for the rage to come.

"Probably not," the blonde huffed, pulling his long legs in closer.

That was as close as James would ever get to a yes, so he took his chances at getting his balls torn off in a fit of fury. "We could…take the bus…or get back the same way we got here." He spoke more and more quietly with each word, realising how stupid he was sounding and how much Kendall's impending attack was going to hurt.

Kendall took a deep breath, obviously trying not to commit homicide. Things were already bad enough without, like, three life sentences. "James," he began through gritted teeth, "the way we got here…is the same way we got FUCKED INTO HELL AND BACK AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE ANY MONEY FOR THE BUS AND EVEN IF YOU DID I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHERE WE ARE AND THE BUS LINES ARE IN FUCKING MARTIAN OR SOME SHIT SO I'M TELLING YOU FOR THE LAST TIME, STOP FUCKING TALKING SO I CAN FUCKING CONCENTRATE ON A WAY TO GET OUR SORRY ASSES OUT OF HERE AND BACK HOME! THEN I WON'T HAVE TO RIP YOUR FUCKING DICK OFF AND SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR THROAT!"

James briefly thought about how many sea lions were dying before shrinking back into the couch and considering his own death. Kendall wasn't going for the bus, and he definitely wasn't going for the hitchhiking approach. If he didn't want to be sensible and get home, then fine, he could throw a bitch fit. It wasn't going to get either of them anywhere, and at this point he felt legitimately sorry for Max. He even felt sorry for Belle, who spoke no English and didn't give a crap what Kendall was saying.

She nosed at James' pant cuff, looking up at him dolefully and letting him pull gently at one of her ears. Usually, he would have greeted her with something endearing, but right now? If he said anything, Kendall would…he didn't want to think about what Kendall would do. When the guy was mad, the guy was a fucking tornado.Tornadoes were not to be messed with.

Kendall puffed his cheeks out, glaring at Belle, who was completely innocent despite being the cause of one of his main problems. That main problem would be fuchsia shirt with a sparkly sequined empire waist that tied in the back and the hideous elastic jeans that went up to his motherfucking belly button. No dude would be a happy camper where he was, but for Christ's sake, try and forgive a goat.

Maybe don't forgive James for feeding your clothes to said goat, but forgive the animal. Come on.

"S-sorry," James finally amended, swallowing his pride and letting Kendall win this one. It was for the benefit of humanity. Kendall looked up at him, processing James' apology and glaring at him all like 'you're still in huge trouble'.

"Sorry doesn't really cut it, man," he said, using his inside voice now that he'd had a minute or so to get a grip on himself.

James sighed, glancing over his shoulder to talk to Max. "I said sorry," he told him. "What else am I supposed to say?"

Mohawk guy drummed his fingers on the glass table. "You could say, I will sacrifice this goat and give you all my toenails in return."

James gave him an odd look, pulling Belle closer to him and slinging an arm around her neck. She sniffed at him curiously, her ear twitching as she sat down with her forelegs under her chest. The taller boy sighed in exhaustion, picking at a spot of dried pudding on his leg and thinking about how much had gone utterly wrong since the previous evening.