#4

My sister came up with this whole story and she pretty much came up with the whole plot for me. Can't say anymore without giving it away.

"Maybe he's hungry," Mikey said, peering into the basket at their new houseguest.

"He smells too." Leo was frantically searching baby care websites to figure out how to prepare a bottle. The fact that the baby was emitting toxic fumes was rather obvious to all present and didn't need iterating. "We need baby formula. Sensei, what did you feed us when we were babies. I'm sure you didn't have formula."

Splinter lifted the baby turtle out of the dirty basket and looked inside its diaper. The green infant waved its little arms and legs happily, glad to be out of its wicker prison. "It must be changed. Call April and ask her for diapers."

"Wait!" Mikey said, running for a pad and paper. "We need to make a list first."

Raph and Don were hiding from the terrifying creature in the lab, both trying to find something to do so that they looked occupied. Raph yelled out to them, "Before we make that brat comfortable, maybe we should have a convo about its origins and stuff. Like, where did Mikey find this thing again?"

Mikey was writing and muttering to himself, "Diapers, bottles, formula…"

"…A new basket for him to sleep in because this one is contaminated. A car seat. A thing to carry it in…" Leo added from the computer.

"Whoa!" Don charged out of the lab with his hands in the air, as if trying to stop a buffalo stampede. "We are not keeping that thing. We don't know who it belongs to. We don't know its intentions…"

Master Splinter bounced the baby and patted its shell as it fussed. "Intentions? It is an infant, Donatello. I understand your wariness of babies, but that is a rather unreasonable argument."

Raph leaned in the doorway, smirking with his arms crossed. "I think we all know what happened. One of us got laid. And I just want to know who it was so I can kick their ass for not telling me about it."

"Hey, don't look at me," Don said as he looked over Leo's shoulder at the baby websites. There was a picture of a breast pump on the screen and Don eagerly pointed at it, indicating that it should be put on the list. "Maybe April could nurse it."

Leo said, in a rather embarrassed tone, "I don't think it works that way."

"What about you, Fearless?" Raph asked. "It was you, wasn't it? You rescued some girl and couldn't resist when she wanted to thank you."

Leo was navigating away from the breast pump page, since Don was trying to persuade him to buy one so that he could take it apart. "They're expensive, Don. And I don't think my sex life is any of your business. And whether or not I have one at all is up to you to guess."

Mikey was googooing at the baby and said, "I think we have a winner, baby. How about a stroller?"

Raph rolled his eyes and tentatively approached Splinter and the baby. "Why? So we can roll it around the sewers. I think we need a baby sized canoe. And here's a better question. Some stranger just dumps a baby turtle on our doorstep and we just go, 'Oh, does this crib go with this stroller?' Aren't we going to give the kid back to its mother? I mean, Fearless. You must know who you knocked up."

Leo's eyes narrowed, but he successfully ignored Raph's provocations.

"Can I hold him?" Mikey asked.

Splinter passed the baby to Mike.

"I don't know why people want babies so badly," Don said. "All they do is cry and stink."

Mikey held the baby in front of him so that he could make faces at it. The baby giggled and smiled. "Aw, look! He's a happy little guy. Well, you cry and stink and we still keep you."

Leo called April and motioned for silence as she picked up. He said, "Good morning, April. How did you sleep? Nothing's wrong. Can't I be polite to my favorite pretend sister? Well, something rather important has happened and we thought we should tell you. We found a baby turtle in the tunnels. No, not a pet shop turtle. A… baby turtle." He held the phone away from his ear and they could all hear a girly shriek of excitement. "It's a boy, I guess. Because we didn't check."

Mikey peeked inside its diaper and furrowed his eyebrows. Raph took the baby away and said, "Sorry to break it to you, but this baby's a girl."

"A girl!" Don said, with absolute horror. Raph handed the baby back to Mikey as soon as he could manage it.

Leo continued, "Whose is it? What do you mean? Well, we're not entirely sure. It was in a basket with a note that said, 'I'm returning what rightfully belongs to you. Its name is #4.' Mikey's? Yeah, he is #4 amongst us."

Splinter turned on Mikey, looking for an explanation. "Hey, I had nothing to do with this. I don't think I did anyway. I mean, if I was unconscious or mind controlled I wouldn't know. Wouldn't that be awful? The only time you get to have sex and you're being remotely controlled and don't remember a thing? I didn't think we could knock up human girls, anyway. So how come we all think one of us made this baby. Maybe somebody else made it and their mistaken. And I have blue eyes and baby's eyes are brown." Mikey pointed at the baby's huge dark eyes.

Don asked, "What if one of your parents or the mother had dark eyes? And babies' eyes change color as they get older. Well, human babies. They always start out with blue eyes. That's what Scarlet O'Hara said anyway."

Mikey shrugged. "Doesn't matter. It's not mine."

"Yeah, I know that's a lot of stuff. We're good for it." Leo looked significantly at Raph.

Raph said, "No way. I'm not spending my money on this brat. It's yours. You pay for it."

"Thanks, April." Leo hung up. "What would we do without her?"

"Let's give her a bath!" Mikey said.

Leo said, "I think April knows how to bathe herself. I know we're close and all…"

"The baby, pervert." Mikey smelled the baby and wrinkled up his nose.

Leo turned to the computer screen to hide his blush.

Don's face was screwed up like he'd eaten a lemon. "That a good idea? It's a girl and all. Might not be appropriate to bathe somebody else's girl baby."

Raph inspected it and said, "It's an ugly baby. It's ugly enough to be yours, Mike."

"Oh, yeah!" Mikey said, turning the baby away from Raph to shield her from his rudeness. "Maybe it's yours. We didn't consider that yet."

Raph laughed loudly. "I think I'd remember getting laid. And my kid would be much better looking." Raph rubbed the baby's head and said in a silly voice, "You're a fugly one, aren't you?"

Mikey said to the baby, "Don't pay any attention to Raphie. He's just a born meanie."

Splinter took the baby from Mikey and said, "This baby must stay with us until we find out where it came from. I raised you four and so I think I know a thing or two about taking care of baby turtles. I will consider what, if any, protection our family will give to this child if she is not one of yours. And if she is one of your biological children, I expect a confession, the circumstance of the child's conception and birth, and that party will be given full responsibility as the father of this child. Am I understood?"

There was a collective utterance of reluctant acceptance of the terms.

Don broke the uncomfortable silence by saying, "Put air fresheners on the list. I don't want baby smell in the lab."