Theme and Variations

by sophia prester and aishuu

Part Four: Scherzo (Hisagi Shuuhei)

No one said anything as I left division headquarters. As for me, I didn't tell them where I was going. No one had any idea of the words that were playing over and over and over in my mind.

It's all going to work out. Everything is going to work out in the end. It's going to. It has to.

The words fell into an the rhythm of my steps as I deliberately did not run to Central 46.

It's all going to work out.

A couple of days ago, I started to wonder if it was one of those things, where maybe, if I repeated it just enough, I might actually of start to believe it. Of course, the second I started believing was the same second I would get slammed with the memory of how the past week has been nothing but disaster upon disaster. So, instead of believing that everything is going to work out, I started thinking of all the ways things could fall down like a house of cards.

It all went downhill from there.

I thought about all the other things that went wrong (Kanisawa, Aoga...) and I kept telling myself to stop it, it never should've happened, except it did-and who's to say what might get all fouled up this time around and what I'll lose because of it?

And that? That's what the inside of my brain has been like ever since Tousen-taichou left. The words help, I suppose, even if they don't really solve anything.

It's exhausting, spending every waking minute waiting for the axe to fall. Just this morning, when the hell butterfly arrived with orders to report to the Central 46 with all the other vice-captains, I think I stopped breathing for a minute. That's not a figure of speech-I honestly felt my throat squeeze itself shut and a rib-crunching weight settle on my chest.

For days, I've been thinking about a way to get in there and see what was left behind, but this? To find out like this, with no time to prepare? I remained calm, but scenario after scenario was pushing to the forefront of my mind. It seemed impossible that no one else could see it.

Like I said, though, no one said anything as I left division headquarters. My third and fourth seats-no one thought twice about treating me as temporary captain of the Ninth-bowed out of habit and respect as I passed, with no anxious or nervous glances. If anything, they seemed less anxious the instant they saw me.

I wonder if they have any idea how horrifying I find their trust in me. If they know what it does to me. All I can do is acknowledge their respect with a quick nod and keep on moving. It works.

If there's any good that came of the massive screw-up during that training exercise, it's that the damage to the right side of my face has made it easy to keep an even expression.

I can do this. I can do this. I will do what I have to. It's all going to work out.

It doesn't matter how hard the next few days or weeks might be: I am a good soldier. I know right from wrong. I am unshaken. I can never admit this to anyone, but if I let myself hear these words in my taichou's voice, they're a lot easier to believe.

Still, when I walked back into the main chamber and saw Ise Nanao kneeling in the middle of the floor surrounded by hundreds of glowing yellow specks lighting the place up like an obon festival, it was my heart that decided to stop next.

I recognized the kidou, of course. Arrow's Flight. I knew the pattern it made. I knew what the marks meant. I'd used it often enough myself to track the results of sparring matches, and I'd seen my captain's second release often enough to recognize the patterns. Trust Ise, though, to use it like this. The glowing yellow marks each neatly covered a sword mark in a table, in a chair, in a body. The pattern was all too familiar.

It didn't take any imagination at all for me to see Suzumushi's blades still lodged in their targets. I rested my hand on Kazeshini's hilt, could hear the anxious hissing. I told her to stay quiet. Everything was going to be okay.

Nanao had no idea I was there. Her "Oh, I've got you now," wasn't one of those things you meant for others to hear.

But I heard it.

And I knew that she knew.

My first instinct was to turn around and walk out of there (calmly and quietly-no one would say a word, right?), to get away from those yellow marks and their damning truth:

Soul Society's illustrious leaders and judges had been cut down in one moment by the man who had done nothing but teach me about justice since the day we met-the man who had taken the place of the fallen captain who had inspired me to make something of my life. The captain who...

My jaw clenched so tight I thought my teeth might shatter. I needed to get out of there. Right away. But I couldn't. I had to be the strong one. I had work to do.

Everyone in the Gotei 13 now knew me as the one who stood there with a sword at his captain's throat. The one who didn't break down even though he was so cruelly betrayed. The one who always, always stayed strong when his friends fell or failed.

I couldn't lose that. Not now, of all times.

So I stood my ground; I stayed where I was. And I tossed a pebble into the pond to see what kind of ripples I stirred up.

"Got who?" I was surprised at how steady my voice was.

Ise actually eep!ed in surprise. I swear, it almost looked like she levitated for a second.

I suppose it's fair to say that everyone was on edge at the moment, but damn... I didn't know what to make of that until she settled herself and came as close as she ever did to making small talk.

"Hisagi-fukutaichou!" She adjusted her glasses, but the glimpse I got of her eyes before they slid back into place betrayed nothing unfriendly. I may have started breathing again. "You're here awfully early."

"Not that early. Just a couple of hours. Hour and a half, maybe." That should be no surprise, right? I'd long had a reputation for being conscientious. And who would blame me for wanting to see for myself what my captain had done? The question was, how long had she been here? And wait... was that Kurotsuchi Nemu up there in the gallery? Not to mention the onmitsukidou-they were standing around with the attitude of people who had been doing so long enough to be getting good and tired of it. I recognized one or two of them, but still...

So much for my brilliant idea of getting a few moments here alone, to see things for myself, with no one else around to bother me.

I was bothered enough as it was, thank you.

I looked around at the fading yellow marks, the marks of my captain's shikai. I wondered what colors the others' would be, wondered if I could still see faint traces of their presence from where Nanao had deployed her kidou.

What had she seen? What was she thinking? What had she found? She was so silent. So unreadable. She always had been, her eyes shielded by those glasses, her mouth always set in a slight frown.

For what felt like a very long time, she didn't move from her spot. All she did was study the marks in the same way I did. I stole one glance down at her, and wondered at the sadness on her face. She looked up quickly, eyes catching mine over the top of her glasses, and her frown becoming something more pinched, not so resolute. She took a breath as if to say something, looked away for a bare second, then seemed to gather her resolve. I decided that I liked her better when I thought she was unreadable.

Everything is going to be okay, I told myself, and when at last she said "I'm sorry," I had to look away. I was tired of sympathy.

"I'll be okay." I wasn't, though. I was there, the evidence of what had happened was all around me-all over the damned place-and I had no idea what to do next. I couldn't figure it out.

I was a good leader, but then, I'd always had good men to lead me. And they weren't here now.

And so I babbled as I watched Nemu move methodically from body to body. "I just thought I'd come here and, I don't know... do something? It's not as if I have anything else going on at the moment." Obviously.

I squinted my eyes, trying to figure out just what Nemu was doing. "So... I guess I'm not the only one who's early. You and Kurotsuchi-fukutaichou got here before I did. What are you two doing?"

Nanao told me. In exhaustive detail. She'd identified Tousen-taichou's shikai, but nothing else yet. She and Nemu were examining the bodies, checking for any signs of interference.

Fair enough.

I found my gaze drawn to the onmitsukidou standing guard around the room. One of the ones I knew nodded at me just as Nanao explained (complained, really-it was almost funny) in a low voice how they had trampled and contaminated so much evidence.

But not all, I thought as the last yellow mark faded. Or maybe it was just one of those... whaddyacallem? Afterimages?

Anyhow, other than the sword cuts themselves, the evidence of who had placed them was gone. For now.

"Have you found anything?" I was starting to wish I hadn't come here. "Anything besides, well, that," I said, nodding towards what was left of Tousen-taichou's work.

Of course, not coming would have been worse, in the end.

I could do this, I told myself. No, that wasn't right.

I had to do this.

Nanao looked around again, frowning at the scene. I wondered why the sights and the smells didn't seem to bother her. Maybe she'd been here long enough that the impact had faded.

Me, I'd seen worse.

"Other than what you saw, nothing conclusive," she said. I closed my eyes and nodded, waiting for her to continue. "Well, some evidence that they were hypnotized. I just wish I knew more about the traitors' usual fighting styles when not using their shikai or bankai."

Skin pulled against scar as I tried not to wince at the word traitors.

I was beginning to hate that word, beginning to hate the way people avoided it when they were around me. Or how they'd always apologize afterwards. Stammering, flushing, not knowing what to do. Not knowing what I wanted to say to them every time I heard it. The only ones who seemed to be able to meet my eye these days were Komamura and Iba. Well, I think Iba did. Damned hard to tell with those sunglasses, though.

"Tousen-taichou, he... um..." I echoed a move I had seen often enough that I had adopted it as one of my own long ago. "If it was just an ordinary Hollow and no challenge. I mean, our styles all vary depending on what we're facing, and how it fights back. Right?"

It was now Nanao's turn to flinch. I almost missed it, and a cold glare followed hard on its heels.

"These people didn't fight back, Hisagi-fukutaichou." She flung one hand out towards the judges sitting in their seats of execution. "They never had the chance. Tell me-where is the justice in that?"

My hand tightened even more on the hilt of my sword. Kazeshini's sibilant mutterings echoed my own thoughts. Justice? What the hell did she know? What gave her the right to-

I almost said something incredibly stupid but the mottled flush faded from her cheeks and I could hardly believe it when I heard a soft "I'm sorry."

Two apologies from her in one day. It was some kind of miracle.

She really didn't know anything, did she? I looked over at one of the dead men. One had been felled by a slash that rose up across his chest to slice an artery in his neck. The marks of the blood spray on the wall behind him and all over the person slumped next to him traced the path of his fall. I saw it happening, the blood arcing up as he fell, the surprise on his face as an unseen, unexpected strike took his life.

"That was thoughtless," she said.

"Yes. It was." I shouldn't have said it, but something needed to be said. It was too quiet otherwise. "Still, I guess it's better than having people just shut up and stare at the ceiling the minute you walk into the room."

Nanao went on apologizing for a moment or two, but I tuned it out. I didn't need any apologies-or any sympathy-but I wasn't about to explain that. Eventually, her voice trailed off as she got caught back up in her observations. I looked around a bit more, wondering how this all looked to her, or to Nemu.

"So, what are you thinking now, Ise-fukutaichou?"

She seemed surprised I was still there, as if I was supposed to simply vanish once she took her mind off of me. In a way, it was nice to know that she thought so little of me. Freeing, really.

"That I have work to do. If you wouldn't mind-"

Again, I was expected to just vanish while she got ready to invoke Arrow's flight one more time.

"Why?" It was loud enough that several of the onmitsukidou turned sharply in our direction.

As I expected, Nanao stopped just as she was forming the first hand seal for the kidou. She barely even turned to look up at me "Why what?" she snapped.

"Why do this? It's not going to bring them back. It's not going to tell you anything we don't already know-that they're dead and that Aizen-taichou and the others killed them! Why can't we just..." I took a breath, but never took my eyes off her hand. It remained still as she listened incredulously to my rant. "... just bury them with honor and be done with it? What good is all this cataloging and..."

By then, she had probably written me off as a lunatic. Just as well. I don't think I could have kept up that rant much longer. Even a short outburst felt very much unlike me. Alien. Unnatural.

Figuring I'd created a good enough excuse for a quick exit. I took off my zanpakutou-careful not to do anything resembling any kind of attack while surrounded by Soi Fong's people-then turned my back on her and walked off.

"Oh, hell with it. I'm going to put her away so I can work," I called out. It was obvious that I had to go collect myself. "That's what I came here for, right?"

Mostly.

I handed Kazeshini to the onmitsukidou who'd nodded to me as I'd come in.

"Put her somewhere safe," I told him. He hesitated before taking her-it wasn't often a shinigami passed along his zanpakutou to someone else-but almost instantly, understanding dawned and he leaned my sword in a shadowy corner, deftly blocking it from sight with his body.

He left me in peace as I walked a little further down (but not too far down) the hallway. I leaned my forehead against the wall and for a moment or two just concentrated on breathing.

I had been even less prepared than I thought to go in there. All my thoughts of sneaking in now seemed so, so stupid. How could I have thought I could go in there, see the aftermath of what had happened, and not see how my captain cut down twenty people in one stroke?

How could I not have known this wasn't just a cleanup and removal of the 'honored dead' but an investigation? I pressed a fist hard against my stomach, hoping it would do something to stop the churning and twisting. It didn't.

I was a good soldier, though. A loyal one. One who would always stand by the truth and what was right no matter what else was going down around him. It's who I am. It's who I've trained myself to be since I was a child.

I was going to go out there and do what I needed to do.

One more deep breath, and I felt my stomach settle. The scars on my face stopped pulling at my skin.

When I walked back out into the main chamber, I was the Hisagi everyone recognized. This time when I saw how the main floor had been scuffed and trampled, I shook my head and nearly laughed at the thought of how Nanao must have reacted when she saw that.

The chamber was lit up with kidou again. Not the bright yellow of before-these lights weren't as bright, and there weren't as many of them. About six out in the open, and another two that Nanao couldn't see, back behind the furthest benches.

"With that few marks, I'm guessing Aizen-taichou," I said casually, pointing out that Aizen wasn't the kind of guy who liked to get his own hands dirty.

I walked past one of the fallen. The aide had topped face-first onto the floor. Only a faint point of violet glowing beneath a fold of fabric hinted at the slash that cut straight up across her torso. The next body, a few feet away from the first, had a line of violet crossing right under his ribs. A kogatana lay on the ground near his feet. Nanao was busy examining a third victim, so I didn't even think before bending over to pick it up.

"Wait! Don't touch that!"

I'm not sure why I didn't go straight through the ceiling. She's sharp. Really sharp. I had no idea she could even see me.

"It's just a kogatana," I said stupidly, holding the small knife out to her by its hilt in violation of every safety and courtesy rule I'd ever had drilled into me. Two onmitsukidou took a sudden interest in the proceedings, so I fumbled the knife so I was holding it up by its blade. It was filthy, but that could easily be explained by being found in a pool of blood.

"And now it has your reiatsu imprinted all over it." Oh, she was not happy with me. Not happy at all.

"It's mine," I told her. The less I said the better, but I couldn't stop myself from going on as if explaining a simple truth to an idiot. "It fell out of my scabbard. The fittings are worn."

The red of anger faded unevenly, leaving her looking patchy and pale. "I'm sorry. It's been, well, it hasn't been a very good morning..." She sounded exhausted. Looked it, too. Glasses didn't do much to hide the gray smudges under her eyes.

"But if you find anything else, even if it seems unimportant-"

Something she might have overlooked, perhaps.

"I know, I know. Don't touch." I laughed as I asked her what I should do next, but my laughter didn't sound right, even to me. I'd nearly made a horrible mistake.

She was tired, though. Very tired, and what she'd seen here was taking its toll on her. She'd been paying too-close attention to all of the mangled, rotting remains of Central 46 and not close enough attention to other things.

Things like whether or not I had my kogatana attached to my scabbard when I walked in here today.

I tucked the knife into the folds of my belt. I'd clean it when I got back to the Ninth. A few days later, it would slip out of my scabbard when I was crossing some rough terrain or fording a river or walking near a ravine. The fittings were worn. Losing it was inevitable. I would gripe about it to a couple of people and then replace it.

I'd avoided one disaster, and now, I thought as I walked past the bodies with the familiar violet glow-the one that would have been far too easy for Nanao to match to a similar glow if I'd still had Kazeshini with me-I had to circumvent another.

"Soi Fong-taichou?"

I got the usual friendly reception from her, in the form of a "What?"

Oomaeda was also standing there, which worked just fine for my purposes. He'd been friendly enough to me in his own way over the years (and his sister, well, I wouldn't mind getting to know her a little better if you know what I mean) even though he'd also made it clear that his friendship was a great act of kindness, extended to a Rukongai gutter-rat from the eldest son of a noble family.

"Ise Nanao sent me to speak to you," I said, being sure never to take my gaze from the elaborately robed body on the dais behind her. "She said you were in charge of the removal of the... Huh."

"Yes, yes. What is it, Hisagi-fukutaichou? Is there a problem?" What she didn't say was that there had better not be one.

"No..." I let my voice trail off. There was a problem, and it had to be taken care of before Nanao decided to cast Arrow's Flight again. "It's just that I thought you would have taken the chief judge out of here first. That's who that is, right?" I said, nodding at the elaborate saffron haori. The two men sitting (well, slumped) next to him wore the same shade of gold in a simpler cut and without the embroidery.

Oomaeda's eyes went wide. Soi Fong merely seemed puzzled for a moment before she, too, realized the implied dishonor of leaving Soul Society's chief justice sitting there with his face resting in a pool of his own dried blood.

Me? I had no problem with it at all.

"Taichou, this isn't right." Oomaeda was in full bluster, and if I knew the man as well as I thought I did, before long he'd be acting as if he was the one who'd noticed the slight in the first place. That was fine with me. Let everyone remember him as the one who suggested that we remove the bodies of the judges before any lesser souls were carried out to be attended to by the Fourth Division.

Oomaeda argued at length, and I suspected Soi Fong wound up agreeing with him more to shut him up than anything else. It didn't matter. What mattered is that she ordered Nanao and Nemu to tag the other three judges they hadn't already examined so we could get them out of there.

Soi Fong herself insisted on carrying out the chief justice, once a cursory examination had been done. It was almost funny, given that he was twice her size. Oomaeda picked up the smaller of the justice's two companions, leaving me with the one who'd enjoyed his food too much. I was just glad that Aizen-taichou's blade had slit the man's throat and not his belly-the smell was bad enough as it was. The man was nearly decapitated though, so I wound up carrying him almost like an infant, cradling the back of his head in my hand. It was more courtesy than he deserved.

The other three judges were removed before Nanao's kidou could cause their slit throats to glow something other than violet. Or before she pulled up whatever Gin's color was and happened to notice that none of the six judges had shown any kind of glow at all. She might have missed it, but I didn't want to count on that kind of luck.

Getting my zanpakutou out of the room before she cast that last round of kidou was as much luck as I dared hope for that day. If she'd done it just a few seconds earlier, she'd have seen it glowing like a torch by my side.

I barely made it back in the chamber before I bent over, hands braced against my knees as I broke out in a cold sweat. Iba walked over and made a comment about how the smell kinda got to you, right? He clapped me on the shoulder and told me it was going to be okay.

The exact same words I'd been saying to myself for the past several days.

Before he moved on to get his orders and get to work, I reached up and patted his hand roughly. The sort of gesture you'd use to let a buddy know that you were okay, really.

I wasn't though. I was so far from okay right then I couldn't see it. I could remember the faces of every single person I'd struck down. There weren't many. Aizen killed the judges himself. Gin had been remarkably efficient. Tousen-taichou's shikai had scythed through so many of them at once...

I straightened up though my knees still felt a little too loose. We'd done what we had to do. These so-called just men and women got everything they deserved.

Still, that didn't keep me from feeling like a total shit for having to lie to Iba.

One by one, the others arrived. There were gasps of horror, hisses of disgust. A stifled cry from Kotetsu. A muttered oath from Sasakibe. That sort of thing.

Yachiru, of course, started chattering wildly to everyone just as if she were at a party. That... just wasn't right. Zaraki had a lot to answer for, and defeating my captain was the least of it.

At least Yachiru was efficient in getting the bodies out, I suppose. Iba and I looked at each other, shaking our heads in disbelief as she picked up and carried out one of the heftier aides as if he were a doll.

I did my share of the work, of course. I looked up from time to time to see if anyone was entering the back rooms. So far, no one was. It would happen eventually, though.

Kira showed up. To be honest, I was a little surprised to see him here. So were a few others, judging from the expressions I saw. Only Yachiru made a point of going out of her way to talk to him, but it didn't look like it helped any. Poor guy.

It wasn't surprising to find Iba and myself pacing each other, making sure the other stayed honest in his work. We weren't quite up to the gallows humor we might have indulged in, but as he passed me on his way in from the courtyard, he mouthed drinks later?

I nodded, then nearly dropped the body I was carrying. Iba there in a second, squatting down to try to look me in the eye as I hunched over again, trying not to retch.

"Y'okay, buddy?"

"Yeah... fine..." I shook my head, and that was enough to tell me that straightening up again wasn't a good idea just yet. "Just keeps on getting to me, you know?"

He nodded, looking around. Those stupid sunglasses of his made it hard to read his expression. "Yeah. I know." He stood up. "I'm tryin' not to think about how my old captain was in here. It ain't working. I looked for him, but I think someone else already took him outside. Not sure if I'm grateful or not."

Iba stretched, rolling out the kinks in his shoulders. "Whatta fucking waste," he said, looking around as if still trying to find someone. "He was a good guy, y'know?"

I couldn't answer that. "I'll be fine," I said at last (everything is going to work out in the end) because now was not the time to say that the entire group was corrupt through and through.

Iba had lost his old captain, but long before that, Soul Society had lost eight good men and women-including the man to whom I owed everything-thanks to the people in this room. Not just the people, I told myself again. The entire system.

Iba pulled a grimace, as if realizing he'd said something stupid. "Listen, I'm real sorry about what happened with Tousen."

I noticed it hadn't taken him long to drop the honorific.

"Komamura-taichou's beatin' himself up for not noticing. It's been a hell of a lot easier to read his moods now that he's not wearing that helmet." Iba tilted his head forward, so that he was looking at me over the rims of his sunglasses. "Might help him to know that he wasn't the only one didn't see something was wrong."

"I'll track him down," I promised. I would, too. It would be a natural enough thing to do and would only help me avoid suspicion. Besides, we both missed Tousen, both wanted him back.

He straightened up, shook the thuggish cool right back around him like a cloak. "Anyhow, glad to see your holdin' up." And with that, he headed back to work, and despite his usual swagger, I could see the weight of worry pressing down on him.

Poor bastard. I wished I could tell him the truth, could trust he'd understand why these people were dead-had to die-but that was a risk I could not take.

It was a risk my captain could not allow himself to take with his best friend, either.

If Tousen-taichou could put friendship aside for a higher goal, then so could I.

I just hoped...

I had friends here, you know? People I wished I could make understand just how badly Soul Society needed this kind of cleansing, could understand the need to take these kinds of measures.

Matsumoto. Iba. Abarai. I would fight to the death to save any one of them. I would have even if I had not been told I may have to fight alongside them, fight for them, to keep up appearances until such time as I was needed. The problem was, it wasn't just appearances, not any more.

In the end, Tousen-taichou would have told me, there are sacrifices we must make for the greater good, for the long term. For what is right.

Maybe it was guilt. maybe it was morbid curiosity, but I inevitably found myself walking up to my might-have-been, the person I was only pretending to be.

I know I was not abandoned. I know my captain did not deceive me. I was trusted-with a dangerous job, with knowledge of what had really happened to the man who had been my hero, who had been my captain's captain.

The sorrow I only pretended to feel had etched grooves in Kira's face. It didn't look right on him. I hate to say it, but the sympathy I felt for him kept sliding dangerously close to contempt.

"Yo. Kira. Glad to see you made it."

"You're probably the only one." From the way he said it under his breath, and from the way his "Hello, Hisagi-san," was notched up noticeably louder, I gathered I wasn't meant to hear the first part of that comment.

"I was kind of wondering, you know. If you'd be here." I rested a hand on his shoulder-he was so stiff and unbending his joints would probably be screaming at him tomorrow. "How are you holding up, anyhow?"

"About as well as can be expected. You?"

"About the same." He was trying so hard not to show things. That, I could get. Better to show a mask, and let people assume they knew what was underneath. "They have no idea what it's like, do they?"

"No. But maybe it's better that way."

Again, he spoke so softly, I could barely hear him. Contempt was now being paced by concern. I couldn't help it-there's part of me that still felt kind of responsible for him. This would be so much easier if he'd been brought into the fold, but that would never happen. Aizen had deemed him not strong enough, not motivated enough, and that was that. "I'm not sure what you mean, Kira."

"Would you want them to know what it's like to fail so miserably?"

No, but unlike him, I was only facing the possibility of failure. Then again, I was also facing a lot more than simple shame if that failure came to pass. But it was all going to work out. Everything was going to be okay.

I shrugged. "We did what we could. You know that, I know that. You can't listen to what anyone else says." Okay, that didn't come out right at all. "Um, not that anyone's saying anything. I meant, if they were saying anything."

"I can imagine."

I'm certain he could. I was getting tired of people's conversations cutting off when I walked in the room, but when it happened to me it was only the sound of people not knowing what to say. The silences Kira walked in on probably sounded a little bit different. I'd raised my sword against my captain. He'd raised it in defense of his. Normally, one deed would be shameful and the other honorable, but nothing was as it should be these days.

A flash of rosy gold caught both our attentions: Matsumoto, still lovely even as she carried a bloated corpse out to the Fourthies waiting outside. Kira couldn't take his eyes off of her. At least I assume it was her he was watching. "I can't blame them - it's not like I didn't..."

"Didn't what, Kira?" I had no idea what he was about to say, and from the way he finished his sentence with a hasty 'didn't make mistakes,' I probably never would figure it out for sure.

Interesting, though. Sounded like he might be blaming himself. He shouldn't be, but he was. I told myself to remember that. At the same time, it didn't seem like he was looking for sympathy, either. Or forgiveness.

I laughed softly. "No. Neither of us did. We were just duped."

No, no mistakes on either of our parts, but Kira was the only one who was duped. Everything was going to be okay.

"And ignorance is an excuse? I should have asked Gin-taichou what we were doing, not just obediently followed like a dog!" His rant was loud enough to start attracting attention, but he dropped his voice just as people began to focus on our conversation. "I was too trusting."

He said that like it was a fault. This time, it was my turn to raise my voice. I even topped Kira's earlier display by waving my hands about as I talked, and before I knew it, I was yelling. "You're supposed to be able to trust your captain. If you can't trust your captain..."

I brought myself up short. Not quite everyone was looking-Iba, Oomaeda, Sasakibe-but it would no doubt hit the rumor mill sooner rather than later. Wonderful. I managed to get my voice back down to its normal register. I shouldn't have let it slip in the first place. "It's a hell of a thing, Kira. I still can't believe they're gone."

Kira had covered his face. Why, I don't know. I could probably guess, though. When he spoke, it wasn't just muffled, but said in such a rush that it took me a second to figure out what he'd said.

"Do you wish they'd taken you with them?"

Once they made it from my ears to my brain, Kira's words knocked aside all thought other than: more than you could ever know. Yelling and losing my temper was one thing. This, I could not afford to let slip.

I leaned in close, almost whispering. "Might want to be careful who you say that to."

I said it for both of us.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean, I mean..." The tremors started small, but took him down to his knees.

He should be stronger than this. The Kira I knew was stronger than this. Had more pride than this. But in this place, right now...

Kira had seen this place before, seen the carnage, but from what I had been told, he should have no memory of what he'd seen. Or maybe things were starting to creep in through the cracks. Aizen's hypnosis was strong, but how strong? How long before memory of what Kira really saw began to push through?

And how much had he seen?

Everything's going to be all right.

I leaned down so I could still whisper in his ear, still talk him through this. I had to get him back on his feet and stable again. I-we-couldn't afford drawing too much notice. I had to get him to see that everything was going to be okay.

I had to help him keep it together. Just for now. Just long enough to know how much trouble he might be. Until then, I needed him to trust me.

"You have got to hold it together, especially now, especially where everyone can see you. C'mon Kira... you can do this. I know what it's like, I know how fucking hard it is, how fucking miserable, how much you just want to pack it all in-'cause you do, don't you?" Leaning was beginning to make my head swim, so I crouched down to his level. "It's going to be okay, though. I'll help you, just like you helped me back in the Academy. You remember that, don't you?"

He was quiet for a long time. Too long. I had no idea what was going through his head. What memories he might be sorting out.

I reached out, rested a hand on the back of his neck. Reminded him I was here. Reminded him of what I had just said. Reminded him that it was going to be okay. That the nightmare was over.

"Kira?"

"Yes, senpai?" His voice may have been muffled, but he sounded like Kira again. As he stood up, he seemed much more composed than before.

"Thank you, Hisagi-san. You're right."

He held his hand out to me. It was meant as a courtesy, since I obviously didn't need any help standing up. Still, I took it. Too many close calls. Too many reminders of how badly things could still go. No wonder my legs felt a little shaky.

Still, I knew I looked as confident and collected as Kira now seemed.

"Course I'm right. Everything's going to work out for the best." There it was again, that feeling that I was close to the edge, that things could tip over to disaster. If only I could explain... "It may not seem like it, but it will. Trust me."

Kira's smile was one I think I last saw back in his Academy days. "I always have."

If I felt like a shit when talking to Iba, I felt even more so now. At the same time I was angry at Kira, angry at his trustingness, that trust he saw as a flaw, that trust I needed...

Thank goodness for Matsumoto's sense of timing. She called out in greeting, and even though it was forced and brittle, her smile was still glorious.

"Matsumoto-san! Good to see you." I got a look from Sasakibe at that. "Under the circumstances, I mean."

Yeah, I think I stammered a bit.

I suppose her greeting to Kira wasn't too chilly for propriety but I couldn't help wincing on the poor guy's behalf. Yeah, I was back to feeling sorry for him as he looked at me for reassurance and then back to Matsumoto as he stumbled through his return greeting.

"I want - um..."

I really hoped he wasn't planning to apologize for defending his captain, even though it meant raising his sword against Matsumoto. He was better than that. Or should have been.

"Yes?" Matsumoto was all but daring him to bring it on.

"Um, I just remembered something I have to talk to Nanao-san about." He scurried off, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to buy the poor bastard a drink or kick him in the ass. Either way, it was a relief when he left. Talking to him had really... I don't know. Thrown me off balance, somehow.

"Damn... Gotta say, I feel kind of sorry for the guy."

I did. Mostly. I just didn't get how I could go from wanting to pick him up and dust him off one minute and hoping he'd fall off a cliff the next. It would be so much easier if I could just settle on one or the other.

"Really? I don't."

I wish I knew how to read her expression. I just knew I didn't want that kind of smile on her face when she was talking about me.

"It's not his fault. How many of us would have stood up to our captains if they seemed to be doing something a little..."

Kira had gone over to ask Ise about something. What? Or was he telling her something? I forced my attention back to Matsumoto. It was harder than it should have been.

"All I'm saying is," I went on, "it's not like he knew what they were doing."

No, Kira didn't know, but the question was, how much did he suspect? That thought distracted me almost as much as the way Matsumoto was playing with her hair. It took me a moment to realize she had said something about Kira killing someone.

"Huh?" She really is beautiful. There's an obvious joke that could be made if I was stupid enough to say it was hard to look her in the eye. If I said that, though, it wouldn't be a joke. I'm afraid of what will happen if I look too long into those gorgeous eyes of hers. Of what I'll say. Of what she'll see.

"He's not angry at Gin."

A sidelong glance did well enough. I could read her expressions but not open up too much myself. "Well... no..." I took a deep breath and decided against pulling the conversation onto safer ground. I'd been alone-truly alone-for several days, now, and I needed to talk to someone. "I think that right now, maybe he... misses him?"

"He never really knew him, Hisagi."

No, I suppose he didn't. But I knew my captain. And I wanted him back.

She stopped fiddling with her hair and she looked me up and down. Did I mention that her eyes were absolutely gorgeous? "How are you doing?"

"Missing my captain."

Sometimes, especially if a woman you're halfway in love with is looking at you closely, the truth is the only safe refuge. Besides, it was one of the few truths I could spare her. It may not have been much, but it was something.

"I'm sorry." Before I could stop her, she pulled me into a hug. She pulled back before I could return it, but I could still feel her warmth, still feel her arms, even after she let me go. "That was mean of me, wasn't it?"

"Ah, it's been a rough time for everyone." I found myself looking for Kira again. He was slinking away from Ise-a very put-upon looking Ise. "I also think he feels like shit over what happened to Hinamori."

I know I did. At least she was still alive, and would likely make a full recovery. At first, when Isane's message first came through, I thought Hinamori had been killed. It wasn't until much later that I realized Aizen had kept his promise. Everything was going to be okay. He'd told me that once before, and I told myself that now.

Still, for a few hours, there...

"Were they close?"

Funny, how it can become hard to remember that what's important to one person may not be so important to someone else. Everything that happened back then is so burned in my memory, I feel like everyone must think about it all the time.

I nodded, and tried to pull back from the events replaying in my mind. "Those two and Renji. Yeah, pretty close. I mean, after that trip to the living world back in the Academy-they were pretty tight. As friends, I mean."

I'm pretty sure she knew the meat of what I was talking about, now that I reminded her. I didn't talk about it much, and she probably never would have remembered if I hadn't said anything, but a couple of stories about how my face got all messed up had made their way around the Gotei 13 even before I graduated from the Academy. Some of the stories about the scars were just guesses. All of the stories about the tats were.

"Oh." She leaned back against one of the desks, somehow finding a mostly clean spot in all the chaos. "It's all so freaking complicated."

I laughed quietly even as I looked around to make sure Soi Fong-taichou wasn't about to come after us for slacking. "Yeah, you can say that again. I mean, just three days ago-has it only been three days? I never would have thought..."

Three days, and how many years leading up to this? How much waiting? Those years had gone quickly in comparison to this half-week. Of course, I wasn't so damned alone during those years. I wasn't the only one waiting. "I tell you, standing there with my sword at Tousen-taichou's throat? Hardest damn day of my life."

Again, the truth was the best and easiest thing to say.

There was a long silence. Matsumoto seemed to find her tabi to be very interesting indeed. "We did what we had to," she said after a while.

I knew who she was thinking of. How could I not know? Most of the stories about her and Ichimaru-taichou were probably about as accurate as the stories about my scars, but still...

There was more than one reason I was glad it had been decided I would assist Tousen-taichou, and not Ichimaru-taichou.

"Even Kira." Poor, duped Kira. I know Ichimaru-taichou was fond of the guy in his own way. Still, I had to wonder what it was like to be so used, so deceived. It was easier than I liked to imagine myself in his place. "I just wish I knew how it could have taken him so damn long to figure out that his captain had gone rotten."

Part of me said he had to have suspected something. I mean, Kira wasn't stupid-even as a pawn you didn't get to be vice captain by being stupid. And what was it he'd said to Ise?

"Gin was always good at disguising his intentions." She must have learned something from the guy, then, because I couldn't tell what was behind those words. Her eyes were so unreadable, they might as well have been behind smoked glass.

"So was Tousen." Kira was a problem. Might be a problem. Meanwhile, though, I had to be the supportive senpai. "Look, it's just that I've got an idea what he's going through right now, so cut him a break, okay? But..."

"But what?"

Decades ago, I had to throw Aoga and Kanisawa to the wolves. I didn't know that's what was going to happen at the time, and I didn't want to do it-Aizen later said he had never expected things to get so out of control. But what was done was done, and we were committed to our course. I'd already had one reminder of my cause on my face. That day gave me another. Tattoo on one side, scars on the other, both of them marking my cause for all to see.

"I got to wonder what happened to him, sometimes."

Aizen had simply been trying to find out what happened to Muguruma-taichou and the others. I'd only just heard the full story-or at least what little Aizen-taichou and Tousen-taichou knew of the full story-several months before.

"He wasn't like this back in the Academy, all twitchy and nervous."

To be honest, I hadn't paid much attention to Kira and the others until after that day. Then, a trap meant to catch someone else had backfired horribly. Fortunately, Aizen and Ichimaru were around to stop things before more than a couple of people had been killed.

"Ichimaru's influence, I guess." People had been so quick to accept that Ichimaru-taichou had betrayed them. No surprise there-he was a hard man to like. Maybe Kira was right. His loyalty to his captain could become a liability.

It was a thought I couldn't un-think. I knew I'd be plagued by it for days.

"Maybe." There was a long pause after she spoke. I wondered what she was thinking. Who she was thinking about. Then, as sudden as a flash of lightning, there was another smile. For a moment, everything changed. "What are you doing after this is done?"

"Drinking? Drinking a lot?"

Yes. That sounded like a good idea. Or maybe not.

"You want some company?"

I grinned. Like I'd ever say no to her. Besides, the offer had sounded genuine, and not just out of politeness. "Damn straight." There were a dozen reasons why this was a bad idea, and there was a better than excellent chance I'd only feel worse for it after everything. "Speaking of company, Iba's been a lifesaver. Him and Komamura-taichou."

"How's Iba at holding his drink?" Her smirk reminded me why getting too drunk would be a terrible idea.

"Not sure any of us will be, after today." I knew I should have begged off, but I didn't. I couldn't. "Bet I can still drink him under the table, though."

"And I'll drink you both there, and drag you home."

"That a promise? You'll drag us home? Both of us? Back to your home?" Yeah, I was playing with fire. Just like a moth.

"You wish. You'll be going back to your barracks. But since I'm nice, I'll make sure you look good and pretty." Matsumoto pulled out a tube of lipstick and uncapped it to reveal something the color of an embarrassed flamingo. "This color would probably look smashing with your hair."

I stepped back quickly. Something that pink would give even Yachiru serious pause. "It'd look better on Iba, trust me." Now that I'd suggested it, I knew the Women's Association would be after it. With cameras. "Look, we'd better get back to work before Soi Fong-taichou gets on our case."

"She's such a bitter old maid sometimes." Matsumoto's smile lost some of its wickedness. I wondered what it was she saw walking away when Ichimaru-taichou walked away. I wished I could tell her that everything was going to be okay.

I wondered why Ichimaru wanted her kept out of this.

"As soon as we're done, we'll collect Iba and go. You're buying the first round," she said.

"You mean Iba's buying the first round." I wanted to talk longer, but it would become noticeable if we stood around much longer. "Later." I lifted my hand in farewell and turned back to my work. I can only assume she did the same.

Some days, it's harder than others to keep my mind on our goal.

We probably wouldn't be too much longer. The main chamber was just about cleared out. All that was left were the smaller rooms off the back. Those I knew hadn't been disturbed yet, at least not by anyone of any significant rank or power.

I would know, once that happened.

Now that I thought about it, I wouldn't have to worry about going out for drinks after. We'd have another mess to clean up.

Once someone with enough reiatsu went into a certain room in the back, a nasty little trap would be set. Nothing that any halfway competent shinigami couldn't handle-at least in terms of dispatching the Hollow that would be released.

The paranoia, on the other hand, the second-guessing, the looking for traps...

Yes, it would lead to lowered morale and rampant suspicion if it all went down the way it was supposed to, but it also could make things difficult.

I was the perfect soldier. The one who stayed loyal. The one who made the right decision and put his sword to his captain's throat.

Perfect soldier, perfect illusion.

I paused in my work to watch Nanao at hers. She bent over each body with a terrible focus. From time to time, she paused to shake her head as if trying to shake away her fatigue. Fatigue or not, I knew she wasn't missing much.

Stupid, so stupid to assume this was only going to be a cleanup and not a full investigation. There were so many things that could trip me up. Nanao remembering whether or not I had a knife with me when I came in here. Kira starting to remember things now that Aizen-taichou's zanpakutou was no longer present. Someone remembering where they'd once seen a violet glow.

Going over to Nanao probably wasn't the brightest idea I've ever had, but I couldn't leave it alone, even though I could very well make things worse.

Nanao was scowling at a scuffed footprint as if trying to intimidate it into submission, and I knew that if she did suspect me, I wouldn't stand a chance. She would follow that suspicion down every last trail, and into every last bolt-hole, until she ferreted out the truth.

As I walked over, I actually thought about what would happen if I was found out. It wouldn't be pretty, that was certain.

I tried to be quiet about it, but she froze, and slowly lifted her head to glare up at me.

"Remind me not to get on your bad side," I joked.

Somewhere in the past few days, I must have picked up a death wish. Probably around the time I finally stopped believing that everything was going to be okay.

Because-let's be honest, now-just telling myself that over and over wasn't working any more. Not really. And...

...and the glasses came off. I was a dead man. I took a step back, not that this would save me. I almost blurted out everything, but I only got as far as "um..."

Before I could condemn myself, she gave me a reprieve. She looked as strung out as I felt. I could tell her every last nerve was frayed to the breaking point, but at least she was reasonably polite about telling me she was at the end of her patience. I tried to apologize, and was cut short.

"What. Is. It?"

I had to think fast. Despite what almost happened, I couldn't tell her what was really going on. There had to be a way to find out if she suspected anything without making her suspicious. Damn it, there had to be something...

Ah, yes. There was my answer, helping Rangiku with a bloated corpse. Also, Nemu was headed up to the back, maybe? That meant I maybe didn't have much time.

"It's Kira," I blurted out.

I shouldn't have been surprised that she looked at me as if I had had a few too many hits to the head. "He's helping Matsumoto-fukutaichou with one of the dead."

No, no, no. That wasn't what I needed to know. I knew that already and told her as much. "He was over here earlier talking to you, and..."

And I had no idea what to say next. Nanao didn't seem to notice, though.

"He was? I don't..." She ducked her head, resting a knuckle on her chin as she racked her brain. She'd chewed the guy out for something, so she should remember. Right?

She returned from whatever thoughts she was lost in, looking up at me. "Is there a problem?"

So many answers to that question. So many that would bring everything crashing down around me.

In a way, it was tempting to start that crash, just so it would be over.

But I had a job to do. I had a man's honor to uphold, and my word to keep. Finding out how much Nanao knew, or what she was guessing at was part of that job.

"It's just-" Nemu was still in the back, but nothing had happened. Something should have happened by now, shouldn't it? Maybe something had happened to the trap...

Now was not the time to be thinking about how Aizen-taichou might have gotten something wrong. Not the time at all. I collected my thoughts and hoped I'd done so before Nanao could start wondering where my mind had wandered off to.

"I'm worried about him," I blurted out. Something still could happen. I might not have much time. And was I worried about Kira?

Again, I found myself in a situation where the truth-or part of the truth-was the safest path to go down. I was worried.

I was worried about what he might remember. I was also worried for his well-being. Having both thoughts in my mind at the same time wasn't very comfortable, but I had no idea how to reconcile them.

Nanao didn't say anything, but she looked at me as if expecting me to continue, and so I did.

"About what people think about him, or..." There was so much I could say, but it was hard to get out the words. The right words. Words that would tell me what I needed to know without giving away too much.

"Or the rest of us," I continued, almost frantic. "The rest of us who served under..."

I felt that even saying their names would give everything away. My voice trailed off. "Well, you know," I finished. My shoulders hunched nervously then sagged in something that wasn't quite relief.

"As far as I know, which isn't much, no fault has been found with Kira-fukutaichou's behavior."

But what about mine? I wanted to ask. What did she know? What had she heard? I thought about what I'd said to Kira earlier in the day and once again felt that burning mix of sympathy and animosity.

"If there's something I should know, Hisagi-fukutaichou, please tell me sooner rather than later," she snapped. "As you can see, I still have quite a lot of work to do."

If she did suspect something, she'd want to keep me talking, right? I should just leave, but it was hard not to keep talking. "He just hasn't seemed like himself of late, is all. And I've known the guy for years. He's been twitchy as hell."

And what about me? Have you noticed anything about me?

I kept on stepping back from her, back from the galleries. There was Kira, going up the steps with Rangiku. Nemu hadn't been enough to trigger the trap (What was it with her, anyhow? There'd always been something a little off about her, everyone said so...) but maybe they would be. They'd be able to handle it, though. But maybe Kira would panic. Yeah, I could see that. Matsumoto was capable-more than capable, really-but the idea of her being caught in that room without reliable backup...

She'd be in there with Kira. If there was an investigation, they'd be the first two anyone would talk to. Who knew what Kira would say?

"And not just recently, either." I looked back up at the galleries. They were almost at the door. Not much time left, assuming the trap still worked. Part of me wanted to shout out a warning. For a moment, I thought I actually heard a Hollow's cry.

"Look. I don't know how to say this, but even before Aizen-taichou faked his death, things seemed... off." Was that when I started telling myself that everything was going to be okay? When Kuchiki Rukia's sentence was handed down and all of a sudden Tousen-taichou's someday became now? I had no idea if she was even listening to me, but I couldn't stop talking.

"You know... I was the one who had to drag Kira off to the brig after he and Hinamori went at each other when we found the dummy Aizen-taichou had left behind."

Funny, how I could remember the strain of holding him back, how steel-taut he'd been, and then how limp and heavy he'd gone once it all sank in.

I think I could remember it because that's when it all started sinking in for me. I'd already committed myself, had already shed blood, but that...

Kira hadn't deserved any of this. Maybe he hadn't deserved Ichimaru's full confidence, but that didn't mean he could be discarded.

Just like Muguruma-taichou, I thought, and wished I hadn't. This wasn't what I had come over here for.

"I'm curious. Did he say anything to you just now? Matsumoto scared him off before I could get anything out of him."

If he had said anything, would she tell me? Would I be able to tell if she wasn't telling me?

"Nothing I recall as unusual." Smooth as ever. "What was it you think he was about to tell you?"

I had no idea what to say. I looked up at the door. Kira and Matsumoto had been gone almost long enough. Maybe nothing would happen. Maybe something would happen, and I could get myself out of this.

"He was in here before, you know. Back then."

She grew more alert, more focused. Was she beginning to suspect Kira? She could have found out there was a fourth person in here... and would never even imagine it was me.

"I..."

It would be so easy. But could I live with myself?

I believed in my cause. I believed-believe-I had done what was necessary. But this was different.

"I wonder if he actually saw anything, or if he was under one of Aizen-taichou's illusions. He was there under Ichimaru-taichou's orders, right?"

She said nothing. For a long time, she said nothing.

"At least, that's what I heard."

And I had no idea what she was thinking. All I knew is that she was thinking.

"What do you think?"

Nothing.

I waited.

"Ise-fukutaichou?"

She shook herself, as if trying to clear water from her ears.

"My apologies. I was distracted." She looked up at me, truly focusing on me for maybe the first time ever since I had known her. And, for the first time, I thought I could tell what she might be thinking.

I had to turn away. I was doing the right thing. I had fought for justice, even though it might not be recognized as such.

"Hisagi-fukutaichou?"

I had friends who had just walked into a trap. Maybe it wouldn't work. Maybe it just wouldn't work for Nemu-always was something odd about her, everyone said so-but it would spring now.

When I finally turned to talk to her, I wasn't sure what I was going to say.

Maybe I would have apologized for bothering her with all this nonsense. Maybe I would tell her what really happened in here.

It didn't matter, though, because before I could say anything, the trap was sprung.

There were screams and yells, and all I could think was that I wished I still had Kazeshini at my side. I thought I recognized Matsumoto's voice rising above the din, and the sudden burst of smoky reiatsu I recognized as Haineko's.

"Kira's back there with her," I said. Somewhere in all the confusion, I had grabbed onto Nanao's sleeve.

For a moment, I saw it. I saw Kira, sliced across the gut. I saw Matsumoto, head tipped back, gored through the neck by a Hollow's claw.

A regrettable accident. It never should have gone that far. That's what Aizen said, after Aoga and Kanisawa were killed.

"Everything will be all right."

He'd said that, too.

I heard the Hollow's scream and felt the sense of its presence fade abruptly. Matsumoto had defeated it.

Everything was all right.

I had no choice but to believe that.