A/N: This is a crazy version of what might have happened if Victor Hugo had written Les Mis whilst he was extremely hyper. So please R & R and ENJOY the (hopefully) crazy randomness! Oh – I don't own anything. ANYTHING.
Toulon, 1815
Jean Valjean: (stepping out from prison walls): I am free! I could sing! Now I must go and continue being a good man, like I was before someone arrested me for impersonating a monkey. I shall bear no grudges, for I shall be a saint!
Random Crowd: Yay! We love you Jean Valjean!
Back in the prison...
Perfectly Sane Policeman Called Javert: *le gasp*That nice ex –convict on parole forgot his tie! I must take it to him!
Jean Valjean goes to the bishop's house to spend the night
Bishop Of Digne: You are such a nice man I bestow this silver to you!
Jean Valjean: Yay! Thank you! I am forever in your debt!
Jean Valjean leaves. Halfway down the road he has an identity crisis.
Valjean: I must change my name and act suspicious! *Does this*
Montreuil Sur-Mer, 8 Years Later
M. Madeleine: I am a nice man! People love me!
Random Crowd: Yay! We love you Monsieur Madeleine! *Shower him with confetti as cheesey music plays*
Javert: Hmmm... I recognize that man...
M. Madeleine: That man's staring makes me feel small! Eep! *Runs off*
Fantine – who has just entered the work place with a letter about her little girl.
Fantine: Waaa! I feel unloved! My kid will never know me and my good for nothing loser of a lover dumped me!
Random Woman 1: *Sniffs the air* I smell a story!
Fantine: Eep! No one must discover the unluckiness of moi!
Random Woman 1 discovers Fantine's unluckiness
Random Woman 1: Heheh! Now I shall unmask the villain for the fraud she is and TAKE THE BOOTY!
Random Woman 1 does so.
Supervisor: Agh! We must kick Fantine off the premises... For... Educational reasons... *shifty eyes*
Fantine: Nuuuu! *Sings sad song*
Random Crowd: Awwww... *Sobs*
Fantine: My little girl is all I have left! I shall become a tour guide to earn money, and as a metaphor of my guiding her!
Fantine does so.
Fantine (the tour guide): Oh great – I'd forgotten there was nothing to show tourists around here. And I qualified from tour guide school for nothing! That's just great. Well I guess I better sell my hair to make a wig. *Does so*
Random Guy: *Buys wig and swishes hair around before disappearing in a puff of smoke*
Everyone: Oooo...
Fantine: *le gasp* Alas! My unluckiness never ends! I need to pay all the debts off and I need to send money to my daughter!
Physiatrist: And how do you feel about that?
Fantine: You weren't any help at all! Waaa! *Runs off*
Fantine sells her teeth and becomes a prostitute.
Bamatatois: Eek! Ugly lady!*Throws snowball at Fantine*
Fantine: Must you humiliate me? *Throws snowball at Bambatois*
*Epic snowball fight ensues*
Javert: *Appears on the scene in a puff of smoke* Have either of you seen a tall man, really strong, an ex convict? I need to give him his tie! It was his favourite! It has little baguettes printed all over it!
Fantine: Why yes I have...
Javert: Come with me!
They go to the jail. M. Madeleine sees and gets the wrong end of the stick. He bursts dramatically into the office.
M. Madeleine: Stop! Release this woman!
Javert: Sure thing, gov'nor.
Fantine: But he was giving me boiled sweets! I hate you Mister Mayor!
M. Madeleine: Well this won't do. What can I do to make you like me...?
Fantine: Well...
Fantine is bought a nice house, and servants dressed in pink uniforms. She develops a nasty disease.
Fantine: This is the *cough* life!
M. Madeleine: Oh Fantine – I fear you may be dead soon!
Fantine: Spoilsport... *pouts* Hey! I almost forgot! I have a little girl being looked after by these two creepy innkeepers I met in the park!
M. Madeleine: Will people like me if I take her in?
Fantine: Sure.
The next day, Fauchlevent gets trapped beneath a cart.
M. Madeleine: Superman to the rescue! *Saves Fauchlevent*
Random Crowd: Yippee!
Javert: Hey! You! I have your tie! Get back here!
M. Madeleine: Eep! *Runs away*
Javert: Well this won't do! I KNOW WHO YOU ARE – M. MADELEINE! YOU ARE AN EX CONVICT CALLED JEAN VALJEAN!
M. Madeleine: I can't hear you!
Javert opens a newspaper.
Javert: *Le gasp* : I got it wrong! I must go to the court! They have found 24601 and I can give him his tie back!
M. Madeleine (a.k.a: Jean Valjean): Hmmm... Someone is being accused of being me! They'll get all my glory! *Runs off*
The courtroom.
Jean Valjean: *Sings* Who am I? I'm 24601!
Simon Cowell: Terrible. Really awful. Be a plumber and do something useful with your life.
Valjean: Waaa! *Runs off*
Javert: Nuuu! Monsieur! You forgot your tie! *Sighs* Here we go again!
Valjean returns to Fantine, to find her dying.
Fantine: My one regret is that I never saw my little girl...
Valjean: I'll save her for you!
Fantine: Who said she needed saving? *Coughs and dies*
Valjean: Nuuu! Right. Next thing to do... *Gets out To Do list and crosses off 'Be upset about Fantine's death.'
In Montfermeil.
Cosette: Where is love? Does it fall from... Oops. Wrong script. There is a castle on a cloud...
Mme. Thenardier: Hey you! Cosette! Go and get some water for the well, and when you come back, you can wash my feet.
Cosette: Eww. Fine. Geez, I'm such a pushover... *Goes to collect water*
Eponine: *Blows raspberry and disappears*
Thenardier: Hehe! I'm evil!
Random Crowd: Yay!
Cosette drags water bucket back to the inn. Unknown to her, she is being stalked by Valjean.
Cosette: Here is the water Madame!
Mme. Thenardier: Now wash my feet!
Valjean: *Enters* I cannot allow this to happen! Here – I will wash your feet and then I will take the girl away!
Mm. Thenardier: Fine, as long as someone washes my feet, I'm happy!
Thenardier: Wait! We cannot let you take this little girl away from us!
Valjean: Would a cheque for a million francs change your mind?
Thenardier: Yes! Gimme gimme! *Jumps for cheque*
Valjean: *Washes Mme. Thenardier's feet and whisks Cosette off*
Thenardier: *Le gasp* This cheque is not payable for two hundred years! We must track that guy down!
Paris, 9 Years Later
Enjolras: *Le gasp* This is a tragedy! General Lamarque is ill!
Gavroche: Isn't this what you've been dreaming of? A REVOLUTION! *Dun dun dun*
Enjolras : Yeah, but… Marius? Marius? Where is that boy?
Marius: *Talks to Eponine* Oh Eponine! The things you learnt are not in these books!
Eponine: *Puts hand on hip* What are you implying, here?
Marius: Eep! Nothing!
Enjolras: Why did I allow you to join Les Amis ABC?
Marius: 'Cos I allowed you to play with my Barbies!
Les Amis: *Look suspicious*
Enjolras: *Gulps* I was... Battle strategy!
Les Amis: Riiiight... *Back off*
Enjolras: Now let's go give money to the poor and needy!
Marius and Enjolras do so.
Thenarider: Hehe! I'm here, and I'm eeeeevil!
Random Crowd: Boo!
Gavroche: There's Thenardier and his band of rogues. They're a bad lot, through and through. And his daughter Eponine!
Thenarider and Patron Minette strike poses.
Valjean: *Enters with Cosette*
Cosette: Lalala! I'm so pretty and innocent! People love me!
Marius: *Sees Cosette* *Le gasp* She's so pretty! I am in love!
Eponine: Nuuuuu! *Runs off crying*
Javert enters
Javert: OK people! Crowd control!
Thenardier and Patron Minette: Eep! Policeman! Run away!
Javert: Oh! My life has been wasted looking for Valjean! I must return his tie to him! This I swear by the stars!
Valjean: A policeman! His staring makes me feel uncomfortable! Come Cosette, let's flee!
Cosette: Awww... Daddy! I just saw this really good looking boy!
Valjean: *Turns green with envy*
They leave. Marius turns to Eponine. Enjolras has vanished in a puff of smoke.
Marius: Do you know that girl! The prettiest one I have ever seen!
Eponine: Ahem.
Marius: What?
Eponine: Yes, I know her.
Marius: Take her to me! I shall love you forever!
Eponine: *Eyes gleam*
In the cafe where Les Amis meet...
Enjolras: REVOLUTION!
Les Amis: YEAH!
Enjolras: REPUBLIC!
Les Amis: YEAH!
Courfeyrac: DOWN WITH COLLEGE!
Les Amis: YEAH!
Grantaire: LET'S DRINK
Les Amis: YEAH!
Random Crowd: OoOo
Marius enters
Enjolras: MARIUS! You are late! You missed roll call!
Combeferre: Now I have to mess up my nice clean register! Nuuu!
Marius: I am in LOVE!
Everyone: Who cares? VIVE LA REPUBLIQUE!
Marius: Waa!
Gavroche enters.
Gavroche: GENERAL LAMARQUE IS DEAD!
Les Amis: *Le gasp*
Enjolras: *To himself* Yesss! The assassination worked... I mean... NUUUUU!
Grantaire: Hey, here's a crazy idea! Let's build a barricade!
Enjolras: It's so... Rebellious... I love it!
Meanwhile...
Cosette: Lalala!
Valjean: You seem distant, Cosette! Are you... Thinking?
Cosette: Nah! Don't expect too much Daddy!
Valjean: I won't. But what troubles you?
Cosette: I think I am... IN LOVE?
Valjean: Hmm... I know the perfect cure for that! A HAMSTER! *Leaves for pet shop*
Outside their house...
Eponine: Hey Marius! I found that girl you liked!
Marius: YIPPEE!
Eponine leads Marius to Cosette's house
Marius: Yoohoo! It's me!
Cosette: *Le gasp* That handsome boy from earlier! Wait... Isn't this a tad stalkerish... Agh! The possibility makes my brain hurt! Come on in stranger!
Marius: Yay! I brought Barbies!
Cosette: I LOVE YOU!
Marius: I LOVE YOU TOO!
They sing sickeningly sweet love duet. Eponine throws up. Patron Minette appear outside.
Thenardier: We're gonna trash this house!
Patron Minette: Woohoo! *Get out water bombs and eggs*
Eponine: STOP! I WON'T LET YOU DO THIS! YOU'LL RUIN THE PAINTWORK!
Thenardier: She's right... It's lovely paintwork! Let's steal it!
Eponine: I'll scream!
Thenardier: Hey! I'm already deaf in one ear! Fine. We'll go!
Patron Minette: Awwww... *Sob*
Valjean returns with a hamster for Cosette. Marius climbs out the window.
Valjean: We must flee the country, Cosette!
Cosette: Why?
Valjean: Because I think I am being stalked!
Cosette: But I just met my one true love!
Valjean: Tough!
Everyone comes on stage to talk about their feelings...
Valjean: Alas! I am being stalked!
Cosette: Will I ever meet my true love again?
Marius: Uh... What are we doing?
Eponine: I love Marius!
Enjolras: FREEDOM!
Javert: I will find Valjean at the barricades, for sure! And then I can give him his tie back!
Hagrid: There's a storm coming, Harry, and we best be ready for it when it comes!
Curtain falls. Audience exchange confused looks. Curtain rises.
Enjolras: Let's build us a barricade!
Les Amis: A big big barricade!
Enjolras: Let's throw down a government!
Les Amis: A big big government!
Eponine wanders on, and suddenly everyone disappears.
Eponine: I think I'm going crazy! I see Marius right here!
Marius: Uh. I am right here, Eponine!
Eponine: Oh... Hehe... *Awkward silence*
NEXT SCENE COMES ON VERY QUICKLY...
Javert: Hey, students, have you seen a strong ex convict?
Enjolras: AGH! POLICEMAN!
Javert: Hmmm... This calls for JAVERT'S FASHION FIX! To become a student, one must wear a red vest, shout FREEDOM a lot, and... No. That's it!
Javert the Student: Hey, fellows, have you seen a strong ex convict?
Enjolras: Oh hey there. No, sorry. But one might come along if you stay here.
Javert the Student: Sounds fun.*Gets out a carpet bag of rubber ducks and starts putting them on the barricade*
Everyone: OoOo
Marius: Eponine! What are you doing here?
Eponine: I felt like dying for THE CAUSE!
*Faint cheering can be heard*
Marius: Well you can't get more glory than me! Here, take this letter to Cosette for me.
Eponine: *Sighs* Fine.
She walks to the house, and meets Valjean trying to hail a taxi.
Valjean: Hello.
Eponine: Hello. Where might I find Cosette?
Valjean: *Shifty eyes* Why?
Eponine: Someone at the barricade has a letter for her.
Valjean: GIMME THAT! *Snatches letter and runs off*
Eponine: OoOo...
Valjean sits in his study and reads the letter. He learns of Marius and Cosette's feelings for each other.
Valjean: *Angst angst* TO THE BATMOBILE!
Cosette: Where are you going Daddy?
Valjean: Um... Look after Mr. Squeaky! BYE!
Cosette: *Pats hamster*
Valjean leaps into the Batmobile and drives off to the barricade
Valjean: Waaaait! Don't start without me!
Enjolras: *Shrugs* K
Eponine enters dressed as a boy.
Marius: Hey Eponine
Eponine: Darnabbit. How did you know it was me?
Marius: No one else wears that silly hat! *Chortles*
Eponine: ...
There is a sudden call from somewhere around the barricade
Voice: YOU IN THE BARRICADE LISTEN TO THIS! You are friendless losers! GO HOME!
Enjolras: *Rolls up sleeves* That's it. Now it's personal.
Javert: *To himself* I think I see Valjean! I can return his tie to him!
Grantiare: Hey – hic – you were never part of THE –hic – CAUSE! Were –hic – you?
Courfeyrac: GET HIM!
The students tie Javert to a chair
Gavroche: Hey! I know him! He goes round looking for some ex convict so he can give him his tie back!
Enjolras; *Shakes head* Leave him here for now, so he can think over his sins.
Gavroche: Nice tie though... He showed me...
Everyone: OoOo...
Valjean enters
Valjean: Let me punish him?
Enjolras: K.
Valjean frees Javert
Javert: FINALLY! Sir, I have your tie!
Javert withdraws the tie, and a choir of heavenly voices begin singing Britannia Rule The Waves
Valjean: I remember this! Yay! *Puts it on*
Javert: Well... My life seems kinda boring now...
Valjean: NO TIME TO STOP AND CHAT! I HAVE A WORLD TO SAVE!
Valjean runs off. Javert feels dejected. At the barricade, Eponine has been shot
Eponine: And rain will make the flowers...
She dies in Marius' arms.
Marius: Grow... HEY! THAT WAS SOO ROMANTIC! Did anyone tape that?
Everyone: ...
Enjolras: WE FIGHT FOR WHATSHERNAME!
Les Amis: YEAH!
The students settle down for a drink
Grantaire: THERE'S A LITTLE DITTY THEY'RE SINGING IN THE CITY... Wait... This is the wrong script isn't it?
Everyone: Yeah...
Grantaire: Awkward...
Students go to sleep. Valjean sings Bring Him Home
Marius: *Waking up*: Agh! Stalker!
Valjean: Hey! I'm a nice guy!
Marius: Oh. Sorry for falsely accusing you. Do you want to play Barbies?
Valjean: Maybe another time...
The students wake up
Enjolras: IT'S TIME TO FIGHT!
Les Amis: YEAH!
Combeferre: Wait? Shouldn't I take roll call first?
Enjolras: Yeah, sure...
Combeferre: Yay! OK... Bahorel? Good... Bousset... Good... Combeferre, obviously, Courfeyrac, yes, Enjolras... Good... Gavroche...?
Enjolras: OK! We're all here! Moving on! LET'S FIGHT!
Les Amis: YEAH!
They fight.
Enjolras: *Le gasp* We have no ammunition left!
Gavroche: I'LL HELP YOU!
Authoress: *Appears in a puff of smoke* Nuuuuuuuuuu! *Disappears*
Everyone:...
Gavroche gets killed. We all cry.
Enjolras: NUUUUUUU! I LIKED THAT KID! HE LAUGHED AT MY JOKES!
Courfeyrac: Yeah he was the only! EEP! *Is shot*
Enjolras: NUUUUU! I LIKED THAT KID! HE MADE FUN OF ME!
Joly: Yeah he *cough* wasn't the only! EEP! *Is shot*
Enjolras: NUUUUUU! I LIKED THAT KID! HE WAS UNAWARE THAT I LAUGHED AT HIM SECRETLY
Bahorel: No, he knew! EEP! *Is shot*
Enjolras: OK? SERIOUSLY?
Enjolras climbs the barricade and waves the flag around. Sensible people in the audience shake their heads at how bad an idea this is. Everyone else sobs pathetically as Enjolras dies. Valjean appears, in the sewers, carrying Marius on his back.
Valjean: Psshaw! Either I'm really out of shape, or this guy eats A LOT. I think it's the latter.
Thenardier appears in the tunnel. Eye of the Tiger starts playing.
Thenardier: AHA! CONFRONTATION TIME!
Valjean: If I pay you a hundred francs will you go away?
Thenardier: Sure.
While Valjean rummages for his wallet, Thenardier steals Marius' precious Barbie doll.
Valjean: Aha! Here you go!
Thenardier: Thanks. Bye... *Swaggers off*
Valjean leaves the sewers and meets Javert.
Valjean: JAVERT! Thank the stars – geddit? – you're here! I'm covered in goo! Will you give me a sponge bath?
Javert: No way hose! *Leaps over Bridge and lands – splash – in the Seine*
Valjean:... Well... I better take Marius home.
Does so. Random women appear in the barricade.
Random Woman 1 (let's call her Anna): Alas!
RW2 (Susan): Oh my!
RW3(Helen): Oh dearie me!
ReallyRW4(Agnes): FUDGE!
Anna: This is a tragedy!
Susan: Aye
Helen: Indeed!
Agnes: FUDGE!
Marius has had a miraculous recovery and has discovered his friends deaths
Cosette: Hey Marius! I think you knew the really good looking guys who just got shot?
Marius: *Turns green with envy* Well... If they're dead they're not threat really... NUUU! MY FRIENDS! *Sings mournful song* Cosette! MARRY ME?
Cosette: YAY! THAT SOUNDS FUN!
Marius: Indeedio!
Valjean pays Marius a visit.
Valjean : I have to go. A LIFE OF CRIME FIGHTING AND WEARING MY PANTS OVER TIGHTS AWAITS!
Marius: You're becoming a superhero? CAN I BE YOUR SIDEKICK?
Valjean: No. I already have one.
Marius: Waa! Hey have you seen my Barbie doll? I think I lost it when I was shot...
Valjean: No. I haven'. Run along to your wedding now. Oh, and don't tell Cosette I'm becoming JEANMAN! She thinks it's dumb.
Marius: *Le gasp* How could she?
Valjean: *shrugs and flies off*
Cosette and Marius get married.
Marius: May I have this dance? *Holds hand out to Cosette. Thenardier elbows her out of the way and takes it instead*
Marius: EWWWWWW! STINKY OLD MAN!
Thenarider: Jeanman is a MURDERER, Marius!
Marius: *Le gasp*What?
Thenardier produces the Barbie doll.
Marius: *Le gasp* MY BARBIE! I LOST THAT THE DAY I WAS SHOT AT THE BARRICADES! Hmmmm... I THINK IT WAS THENARIDER IN THE BALLROOM WITH THE DAGGER!
Random Crowd: Okaaaayyy... *Back away slowly*
Thenardier: Nuuuu! He has worked it out! FLEE!
Thenardier does so.
Marius: Yay!
Cosette: You're so clever sweetiepie!
Random Crowd: *Look nauseated*
Marius: *Tosses hair* I know.
Meanwhile...
Valjean: I should never *cough* have *wheeze* dove into the Channel to *cough* rescue that *splutter* dolphin. I think I am dying *DUN DUN DUN*
Meanwhile...
Cosette: *Sniffing the air* DADDY IS IN TROUBLE! COME ON MARIUS!
Cosette throws Marius over her shoulders and runs off.
Marius: DESIST! DESIST!
Cosette bursts through the door to Valjean's room.
Valjean: COSETTE! YAY!
Cosette: DADDY! My seventh sense-
Marius: It's your sixth sense, Cosette.
Cosette: My sixth sense is sensing invisibility, actually. Don't talk about things you don't understand.
Marius: *Hangs head*
Valjean: Your seventh sense told you I was in trouble, right Cosette?
Cosette: YES! Are you alright?
Valjean: I am *pause for dramatic effect* DYING!
Random Crowd: NUUUUUUUUU!
Cosette: THAT'S TERRIBLE!
Suddenly, Fantine and Eponine appear
Marius: EEP! GHOSTS! *Hides*
Fantine: Come with us Valjean!
Eponine: Yes! Come with us!
Valjean: OK.
He does so.
Cosette: NUUUU! DADDY IS DEAD!
Random Crowd: *Cry*
EVERYONE: DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING? Lost in the valley of the night? It is the music of a people who are climbing to the light! For the wretched of the earth there is a light that never dies! Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise!
Curtain falls. Audience look very confused.
So what do you think? Please R & R! The button is lonely and it'd make my day!s