Sonny

Early morning, she wakes up – knock, knock, knock on the door. It's time for make-up, perfect smile. It's you they're all waiting for.

It was on trips home like these when I really missed my old class. I even found myself missing Nazrin and Kalli; the sense of normality that being picked on brought. Their petty complaints about my clothes and hair were nothing compared to the pain I felt when Tween Weekly called me a thief and a liar. In all honesty, it prepared me for Tawni's backstabbing ways. I can be grateful to them for that.

And I can be grateful to Lucy for teaching me to be funny in the face of fear – and I was bloody terrified that first day on So Random! She taught me the wonders of make-up on a morning and the beauty of a wide smile. She was so much stronger than I – but then, she hadn't had the cushiness I had.

I still can't believe it was me who caused the divorce. Me following my dreams, my passion. Mom always said I should get out of Wisconsin. 'No-one good ever comes from here, Sonny,' she would tell me. But Dad had his whole world here. His ancestors were some of the first to move here – I think he has 'defeating Indians' in his résumé. His business, his clients, his children and wife – Dad thought he had everything he needed right here in Wisconsin. And he did – he still does. But Dad's trouble always was his selfishness. I didn't want to uproot the whole family: Al had school here; Mom had a good teaching job. But when I got the offer, they both jumped at the chance to move to LA. We'd never been – to Al it was like an extended vacation and Mom had always wanted to move away. But Dad just said, 'No way. She stays here,' and that, to him, would've been the end.

And it was, for a while. I stayed in school, an average Freshman, thinking I'd missed my chance and having to be content with it. It was such a hard time. Lucy was going through her lowest patch – drugs and alcohol became her best friends. We needed each other and neither was there. Leda and Autumn were great, but it wasn't the same. And behind my back, my parents were fighting and arguing and my brother was becoming bulimic. All I could see was me. And I call Dad self-centred! But then Mom said that enough was enough and she took me and we drove cross-country in Mom's car with only our prized possessions and all of a sudden I was a superstar. I couldn't think of myself, not when I had the ability to help the people back home who I'd hurt. I ran the walk-a-thon, wrote the lyrics to Stop SPS and did everything I could to help everyone I could.

And then Chad came along. Or rather, he'd always been there and a misunderstanding led him to ask me out. After that we were joined at the hip. Soul-mates, best friends – even Grady said so. I gave everything to him, because it was his sarky comments that pulled me up. But all the while him and Tawni had been… I can't even say it. But they made me run. They made me cry. I don't want to be here, 'home' in Wisconsin, hiding from everyone and having to live with my father. But I can't face them again. I can't.

Can I?

They go, 'Isn't she lovely, this Hollywood girl?'

And they say, 'She's so lucky, she's a star, but she cry, cry, cries in her lonely heart thinking, "If there's nothing missing in my life, then why do these tears come at night?"'

She's gone. I did that. I'd always wanted her to disappear but now that she had, I wanted her back. She was my best friend and I couldn't live without her. I told myself the opposite but when it came down to it I knew the truth.

Mandy and I had been such a pairing – everyone said our on-screen chemistry in various sketches was what made So Random! And I loved being the star. Mandy had never been that good. She was never quite pretty enough, never quite funny enough, never quite Tawni enough. So she quit. She said she felt she wasn't being challenged. And then all of my dreams came true. She faded into obscurity. I was the oldest girl on the show, which made me the role model. Zora crawled around in vents all day; she wasn't mature enough to be idolised. Suddenly Mandy's face disappeared off billboards and it was replaced by mine.

And then Sonny came along. I'd seen her video – who hadn't? She was giggly and bubbly and fresh-faced and pretty. I was always something and pretty, but I could see that Sonny was something, something, something and pretty. Always. She was going to take everything I had or wanted. I couldn't believe it. So I instantly decided to hate her. Call me prejudiced, but what do you expect? I was Hollywood, but that wouldn't stop them from tearing me down if someone better came along.

Overtime, however, we became good friends. The James Conroy incident sealed it. I convinced myself that this was what I needed to do to get rid of her, but suddenly Tawni wasn't my best friend. Sonny was.

I wasn't at all surprised that she won the Tween Choice Award for Best Teen Actress. But I was upset. I'd never quite won that one. Miley Cyrus and Selena Gomez had always beaten me out. I could live with that – I didn't know them. But my best friend? No way. At the after party I'd simply drank drink after drink after drink. I danced the night away with a drink in my hand, went home with some random guy and got laid. Pushed the bad thoughts right down.

A few weeks went by when I pretended to be okay with it – happy for her even. Marshall was astounded that we had the best actress on our show, and showered her with praise that Sonny didn't want. I wanted it. No-one ever did that to me. My mirror always was my solace – the place where I could fool myself that I was brilliant. But now I looked in that mirror and sobbed.

Of course it was me. I needed a way to get back at the girl who I loved too much. As if I'd ever lay a hand on Chad Dylan Cooper – or as if he would come anywhere near me. All I did was plant a rumour here, a whisper there and soon the whole world knew what a cheat he was. Then came the press conference where I said how sorry I was that I'd hurt Sonny, how I'd never meant for it to happen that way. Sonny would never forgive me unless I told her the truth, and the truth is too stupid to tell. 'Hey, Sonny! I'm a self-obsessed brat who spread lies about me and your boyfriend because I was jealous of your Tween Choice Award!' Yeah, right. I can't tell her that.

Can I?

Lost in an image, in a dream but there's no-one there to wake her up. And the world is spinning and she keeps on winning but tell me, what happens when it stops?

And they say, 'She's so lucky, she's a star, but she cry, cry, cries in her lonely heart thinking, "If there's nothing missing in my life, then why do these tears come at night?"'

They're so damn similar! It's unreal how alike they are. In their abilities, their perfection, their secrets, especially. Tawni never would tell anyone about the things that happened to her back home, and neither would Sonny. I don't even know – me, who crawls around searching for an escape to my own life.

And I'm similar to them, too. I escape my own tears to see theirs. I can't comfort them – I can barely comfort myself! I don't want to be a superstar, I want to go home. I want everything to work out. I want my parents to be alive, and me to be in their arms. I hate the day my aunt took guardianship of me.

Don't get me wrong, I love my aunt, but she never could stop spotting talent, even after she quit being an agent. She pushed me and pushed me because she wanted me to be happy, and she thought that I was like every other child she'd worked with. I can't blame her; she never had identified with her sister, the entomologist, and her husband, the astrophysicist. I'd been left to my own devices as a young child. I learnt to read very early, and became somewhat obscure. My dream was to have my own documentary show on anything and everything. I can tell you all you want to know about anything. A dime as one hundred and eighteen ridges round the edge. A jiffy is 1/100 of a second. Dreamt is the only word in the English language that ends in -mt. Somehow, my aunt's brain tells her that I have a future in comedy because of this. And here I am.

And as for my twin – Alba – she follows me everywhere, making me do things that I don't want to do. She's the outgoing one. I don't know why she doesn't just do the things herself but I find myself building things like Cold-Cut Catapults and hosting a prank show. She's here now, wondering what I'm doing. I want to scream at her to go away but the last time I did Nico asked who I was screaming at. I told him, and he gave me a weird look.

I tell Alba that we have to get Sonny back here, because despite her troubles she always has a ready smile and knows how to make things better. I love her to pieces and I know everyone else does too, Chad especially. He's so confused right now, and I understand why. He did nothing and she won't call him back because she thinks he did. Alba says I can't get Sonny back because I'm not smart enough and if I read some more books I would be. I glare at her because she's right. I can't get Sonny back.

Can I?

She is so lucky, but why does she cry? If there is nothing missing in her life, why do tears come at night?