Authors' Note:

Guess what? We're back from the dead.

Now we can be real vampires!

Yup, we're back older, wiser ...

And crackier than ever!

Yeah. It's been a while, but we're finally back, and this is a nice lengthy chapter, isn't it?

Yeah it's pretty long so hopefully you guys'll be satisfied :)

Not sure if it's actually as funny as the previous ones, but well, with these characters ... well, we tried our hardest. Enjoy!

Oh and a massive thank you to everyone who reviewed and anyone who's managed to stick with us all this time!

Chapter Seven: Sniffles and Global Domination

"No," Momo said flatly. "Just no."

Kyoraku grinned brightly. "Okay, then I'll be Edward and Juushirou can be my Bella."

"NO!" Momo slammed her hand down on the table. "We are not turning Twilight into yaoi!"

Ukitake coughed. "Bad luck, Shunsui."

Kyoraku looked put out, but an idea struck him and he perked up suddenly. "Fine, I'll be Nanao-chan's handsome vampire!"

"Ise Fuku-Taichou isn't going to audition – she's been hired to write the script," Aizen interjected with a smirk.

Kyoraku pouted momentarily, then brightened again, and leaned over to Momo. "All right then, you can be my Bella." And he smiled, baring his teeth which had suddenly formed dagger-like canines, his skin seeming to glitter in the sunlight . . .

Momo sat bolt upright in bed, clutching the blankets to her in terror.

"No way . . ." she cried. "That is never going to happen as long as I am in charge of this play!"

She reached up and wiped beads of sweat off her forehead. The very idea . . . she shuddered.

"Let's eradicate that possibility today," she decided.

"Taichou! Taichou!"

"Taichou! Don't listen to him! Taichou!"

Ukitake raised his head wearily at his Third-Seats' voices.

"Kiyone? Sentarou?" he called feebly. "I'm in my room."

There was the sound of running footsteps and then the door was flung open.

"TAICHOU!" The Third-Seats stood there, panting. "Taichou, guess what!"

Kiyone spun around and glared at Sentarou. "Stop it! Don't you dare copy me!"

Sentarou scowled at her. "That's my line!"

"Don't take the words out my mouth! I have more of a right to tell Captain Ukitake the good news than you do!"

"Says who?!"

"Guys-" Ukitake said weakly.

"Oh yes, Taichou!" Kiyone ran over to him. "You have an audition for the Twilight play today!"

"HEY! DON'T JUMP IN AND STEAL MY SENTENCES LIKE THAT!" Sentarou yelled, pushing her out of the way. "Anyway, Taichou, more importantly, you'll be doing it with Captain Unohana!"

"YOU IRRITATING STUPID IDIOT!" Kiyone kicked him into the wall. "I WAS GOING TO SAY THAT!"

"OW! THAT – THAT HURTS!"

"WELL, YOU DESERVE THAT AND MORE! BE THANKFUL THAT I AM SO GENEROUS TO NOT GIVE YOU WHAT YOU JUSTLY DESERVE!"

"Oh dear," Ukitake murmured, getting to his feet. "I suppose I'd better be on my way then. Whatever you two do, don't destroy my room, please."

For some reason, Aizen mused, Hinamori seemed very cheerful. She was skipping up and down the auditioning room as they waited for the thirteenth and fourth squad Captains to arrive, humming and smiling widely.

Perhaps, he considered, there was something she was exceptionally pleased about.

After a few minutes of watching her flick through various scenes of the script and scribble notes on them, whilst pirouetting and dancing around the table, he decided to ask.

"Hinamori-kun? Is something up?"

Momo jumped about five-feet into the air and sat down hurriedly. "No, nothing, at all, Taichou," she insisted, then smiled, if possible, even wider. "I have a good feeling about this audition, though. It's going to be a nice, sensible day; without any specific shinigami ruining the work of art that this book is."

Aizen could have sworn that in the coughing fit that she suddenly took upon herself to have, he heard the name 'Kyoraku'.

He chuckled to himself, as a knock came from the door.

"Oh, come in!" Momo called brightly.

The door opened, and both Captains entered the room.

"We appreciate you taking the time out of your busy schedule for this," Aizen tried to smile whilst banishing an image of Unohana acting as Bella that had suddenly appeared in his mind. He fervently hoped that Momo knew what she was doing.

"Oh, it's no problem," Ukitake replied.

"I'm sure it will be worth our time," Unohana said lightly, but Aizen could have sworn that he heard the underlying threat in her tone.

He swallowed nervously. The sooner this was over with, the better.

"Well, Hinamori-kun, take it away," he reached for his tea with every intention of hiding behind his cup for the rest of the audition.

"Right," Momo shuffled her papers importantly and beamed at the Captains. "Let's start with the monologues, shall we?"

Ukitake turned gallantly to Unohana. "Ladies first?" he offered.

"Why, thank you, Ukitake Taichou," Unohana glided to the centre of the room and stood facing Aizen and Momo. With a smile that was both peaceful, soothing and creepily reminiscent of Gin's all at the same time, she bowed then coughed.

"Renée Dwyer," she introduced herself. "Breaking Dawn, Chapter One, page eighteen."

"Oh, you've read all of the books have you, Taichou?" Momo became, if possible, even more excited. She turned round to Aizen to whisper, "This is what a dedicated audition will look like, just you wait and see!"

If Aizen was being completely honest he didn't want to wait and see, but he didn't see he had any other options.

"You make your own kind of mistakes," Unohana began, in a warm, motherly tone, "and I'm sure you'll have your share of regrets in life. But commitment was never your problem, sweetie."

Aizen spluttered into his tea. Out of everything, he would never have ever imagined Unohana saying the word 'sweetie'.

Momo shot him a sharp look, then turned her attention back to Unohana.

"You have a better chance of making this work than most forty-year-olds I know," Unohana opened her eyes and looked straight at Aizen as if knowing exactly what he was thinking. Aizen sank deeper into his chair and quailed under her gaze. "My little middle-aged child. Luckily, you seem to have found another old soul." Unohana finished and bowed again, retreating to the side of the room.

Aizen breathed a sigh of relief and wiped some beads of sweat from his forehead. All in all, Unohana was far too similar to Gin for his liking.

Momo clapped happily. "Perfect, Unohana Taichou! Now, Ukitake Taichou, it's your turn."

Ukitake, looking a little embarrassed, stepped forward.

"Um," he said.

"When you're ready, Captain," Momo smiled encouragingly.

"Okay," Ukitake cleared his throat, then started in a pacifying voice, exactly like the one he often used on Kyoraku. "Calmly and carefully, brother. I know well how you love your justice, but there is no justice in acting against this unique little one for her parentage."

On second thoughts, Aizen considered, maybe he was talking to Tousen instead.

"And so much to learn, so much to learn!" he continued. "I know you don't have my enthusiasm for collecting histories, but be tolerant with me, brother, as I add a chapter that stuns me with its improbability." Suddenly, Ukitake stepped back and held up a hand. "Hang on – a second – sneeze -"

There was a pause, and then he sneezed the most enormous sneeze that Aizen had ever heard. He was certain that even the window panes rattled in the aftermath.

"Captain! Are you okay?" Momo cried.

"Yes, yes," Ukitake waved away her concerns. "I'll just carry on and finish the monologue, now."

"Are you sure?" Aizen asked, pretending that he wasn't more impressed than worried.

Ukitake nodded, then continued. "We came expecting only justice and the sadness of false friends, but look what we have *cough* gained instead! A new *coughcough*, bright -" He stopped midsentence, coughing violently.

"Ukitake Taichou?!" Momo jumped up in consternation. But the Thirteenth Squad Captain was doubled over, coughing even more than before. Aizen raised an eyebrow. That was quite an impressive coughing force there. He couldn't stop himself imagining the possibilities of attacks and explosions if he could harness the power held in both Ukitake's coughs and sneezes.

"Aizen Taichou!" Momo pulled on his sleeve. "Please do something!"

"Oh," Aizen remembered that he was supposedly a kind and caring Captain. What should he do in such a situation? Go and pat Ukitake on the back?

Luckily, Unohana was there before he had to even put down his tea.

Within ten seconds she had stalled the fit enough for Ukitake to choke out, "knowledge of ourselves – our possibilities." The monologue finished, he collapsed on the floor.

"Hinamori," Unohana said calmly. "Would it be acceptable for us to return for the set scene at a later time? I'm afraid that we should escort Ukitake Taichou to my squad as soon as possible."

"Oh, there's no need for that," Momo said hurriedly. "Your monologues were both fantastic. In fact I already have the perfect roles for you two, so you won't need to do your set scene at all. Please, go ahead, Unohana Taichou."

"Thank you," Unohana smiled, then snapped her fingers. Instantly, four unranked squad four members appeared at the doorway.

"Yes, Captain?" they said.

"Please transfer Ukitake Taichou to the Emergency Ward immediately," she instructed.

"Yes, Captain!" they saluted, then within a minute had produced a stretcher out of nowhere, put Ukitake onto it, and carted him off out of the auditioning room.

"Good day to you two," Unohana turned at the doorway, then headed after them.

Momo looked happily at Aizen. "What a successful day, Aizen Taichou!"

Aizen considered it. He'd got totally creeped out by Unohana, Ukitake had nearly died and he'd had to waste his time sitting through another bunch of these ridiculous auditions.

On the upside, he now had a dozen Ukitake-aided-world-domination plans running around his head at the speed of light.

He nodded in agreement.

Yes, very successful indeed.