Evangelion Fan Fiction

The Difference of a Life

By Kraven Ergeist

April 13th, 2021

Rei felt herself adrift in a sea of souls. She felt in touch with every being on Earth who had ever lived, with every being ever destined to live, and felt an overwhelming sense of peace overcome her. Such a strange feeling for one so tormented by fear and insecurity. As Rei had aged, the lingering dread of some inevitable demise forever haunted her dreams. There was so much wrong about the way she had come into this world. She lacked true parents, her own genome owing its origins to an Angel and a human woman who happened to also give birth to the man she would fall in love with. She had originally been designed as a carrier for the genetic code of Lilith, to reunite with its originator and bring about an apocalypse.

She was designed to be a tool. And as much as Shinji (and every one of her friends) assured her that she was human, with all the rights, gifts and freedoms that they all enjoyed, she could not escape the fact their reasoning was fundamentally flawed. She was not human. She had not been designed to be human. She had been designed to look human enough, to act human enough to pass inspection. But she would never be a complete human. She hadn't been designed to feel human. She hadn't been designed to give birth to humans. And she hadn't been designed to fill a human lifespan.

At the age of sixteen, she had started to notice the signs. Her mother and sister, as well as Yui Ikari, had all explained to her enough to allow her to get by. All that was holding this fragile shell that was her body together was the strength of her AT Field. Without it, her body would fall apart within moments. She must have been deteriorating visibly by now. Every time she saw her adopted mother and sister now, they couldn't even look at her. They would each try to hide the shame and sadness in their eyes, but she could see it. She could see the knowledge that they each hid. They knew she was going to die.

But Rei held on. Against all odds, she had lived on to adulthood. She had lived on to graduate from high school. She had lived on to marry Shinji, and spend their days together. Even while every day was tarnished by that fear that it might be her last, every moment they spent together was more precious to her than she could ever convey. But as each passing day moved on, as hard as she held on, she began to feel her grip on life grow fainter and fainter.

Shinji must have noticed her diminished behavior, how quickly she lost her breath, how little exertion it would take to exhaust her. But he never mentioned it. He never made her feel weak or insecure. Never brought up her angelic nature, her blood ties to his mother, or the fact that she would never bear him children. He treated her the same way he always had. Every day, he just seemed happy to be with her. And she loved him all the more for it.

But somehow, none of that mattered now. Not in this ocean of peace. She felt as if she could peer back across the ages, and witness the first human draw breath. She could see off into the distant future, when Third Impact would eventually claim them all. It was an age of human enlightenment, when all of humanity could acknowledge one another. An age where mankind was truly ready to take the next step.

Was this death?

"Ayanami…Rei…" a voice spoke to her through the sea of souls. It sounded like her own voice, but it was different; older…yet also younger. As if it belonged to all of her lives, at every age. Some were children, some teenaged, some fully grown, some of them as old as humans could hope to live. Their voices sounded together, a symphony of sound as they each spoke. And when she turned to look upon the alternate realities of her life, they seem to gather together into a single, solitary entity that stood higher than all the rest, a massive shape in the sky that looked down at her with a disturbing kind of curiosity.

"You are…" Rei breathed. She peered up to gaze into the figure's eyes. It looked so much like herself, so much like Yui, so much like Lillith. It was as if she were one and the same.

"I am That Which Was…" its mouth opened and the voice that was many spoke. "I am That Which Is…"

Then the figure held out its hand, and reached for Rei as though to seize her. Rei felt a sudden sense of dread overtake her as the thing's impossibly massive hand closed around her, and the figure's eyes darkened to black and red orbs, like out of some nightmare.

"I am…That Which Should Be…"

Rei curled her arms around her face, curling up into a ball to protect herself from the thing that was reaching for her, trying to crush her in its grip. She could feel the world around her begin to crumble, as her grasp on everything, each of the souls swimming about her began to wither and disappear. Rei blinked through tears and was stricken by how black and cold everything seemed to her now. She tried wrapping her arms around herself to keep her body warm, but she had no arms with which to do so. She had no body to protect.

She was falling apart, her body dissipating into the Sea of Souls.

"No…" she sobbed, pleading with the darkness that threatened to claim her. Already, she could feel the AT Field around her soul ebbing, her consciousness dissolving.

"Please…" she barely managed to breath. "I…I don't want to die…"

Then, as if it had never been otherwise, she felt a pair of warm arms encircle her, and all at once she was whole again.

"It's alright, Rei…" she heard the voice say again. Only, it wasn't the voice from before, at least, not entirely. Where the other voice had been a dissonance of hundreds of voices, this one was singular, grownup, and tender as a mother's kiss.

She opened her eyes and saw herself.

No, not herself, she realized. Over the years, as Rei had grown into a woman, she had begun to resemble the woman who created her. But this woman did not have blue hair, but brown.

"…Commander…?"

The woman smiled at her, and at once, Rei felt safe and warm.

"But…how…?" Rei blinked, in disbelief. "You're dead…"

Yui nodded. "Of course I am, Rei…how could I be speaking to you like this if I were not?"

Rei blinked, trying to understand.

"What…what's going on?" she said, her voice weak and afraid. "I was…I was about to die…"

Yui's smile was all she could see.

"Who do you think created you, Rei? Do you really think I would be so heartless as to grant you only such a short time on Earth?"

Rei blinked in confusion. "What…?"

"I planned for this day since the moment I created you," Yui said, a hint of triumph in her voice. "Everything had to appear as if you were their tool, so it must have appeared that you were dying, Rei. But you never were. And had they attempted Third Impact with you, they would have been greatly disappointed."

Rei held her head in her hands. "No…this is impossible…"

"You are no mere copy either Rei," Yui said reassuringly. "I was able to intricate enough donor genes into your genetic code to make you a true and genuine human being."

Rei began to shake her head. A dream. This all had to be a dream.

"Once you reached your twentieth year," Yui went on, "Your genome was designed to shed all Angelic programming and become completely human, with all of a human's traits. The gift of life…and the burden of giving life."

Rei clenched her eyes shut. This couldn't be real. This was her deluded imagination concocting a surreal fantasy world for her as she was on the verge of death.

"Rei…" Yui took the girl in her arms. The Commander looked so sad. So ashamed. So grateful. "I know I've placed a great deal upon you by bringing you into this world and giving you your role to perform in preserving life on Earth. This is my way of making it up to you. I pray that it will be enough for you to one day be able to forgive me."

Rei blinked back tears as Yui touched her lips to her forehead. She felt her world begin to reshape around her. While she lacked her attachment to the sea of souls, her own form felt whole, more complete than she could ever remember feeling in her life.

Yui began to drift away from her.

"Farewell…" she whispered, lifting a hand.

Rei blinked twice, opened her mouth to speak…

And all at once, she woke up in a sweat.

xxxxx

Shinji was woken by the bathroom light. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes as he stared at the clock on the night stand.

Two thirty-five in the morning. What was Rei doing up at this hour?

Shinji swung his legs over the bed and blinked as his eyes adjusted to the light from the bathroom. The bathroom door was open about a foot, letting a long trail of light stretch across the bedroom floor. He didn't hear the sound of running water. He waited what he felt was a reasonable amount of time, and then gingerly got to his feet and crept over to tap lightly the bathroom door.

"Rei?"

He heard a sudden intake of breath inside the bathroom.

"I…I'm here…"

Rei's voice sounded…shaky. Hesitant.

Shinji's hand rested over the doorknob. "Is everything alright?"

When he heard her sob, he opened the door.

She was in a pair of light blue flannel pajamas that Hikari had given her on her sixteenth birthday. Her eyes were puffy and red, her hair a tangled mess, and she was sitting hunched over on the edge of the toilet seat cover, looking for all the world like the most pitiful creature on Earth.

But the expression on her face, the way her eyes lit up when she saw him, the exuberance of her smile was unlike anything Shinji had ever seen before.

"Rei…?" Shinji peered at her, trying to figure out what she was so upset about, or if she was indeed upset. "What's the matter?"

She sniffed and raised her head up, straightening her back to meet his gaze. She was quivering, though whether from fear, illness, or something else entirely, Shinji had no clue.

"Shinji…" she whispered. Her voice was breathy and ecstatic, tapering off into pearlescent tones, faltering and broken. She looked terrified, traumatized, elated, miserable, baffled.

Shinji was worried that she might faint. Never before had he seen such a plethora of emotion, spilling out all at once, and he had known her all his life.

That's when he saw something small and thin fall from her trembling hands and hit the floor with a clatter. It looked like a piece of beige plastic, with a small depression that was highlighted in red.

He looked up again to meet her expression Her cheeks were damp from tears, but Shinji could see now that they were tears of joy.

Shinji's eyes widened, his mouth gaping wide. "R-Rei…?"

Now it was Shinji's voice that was quavering. He practically fell to his knees, grabbing her arms, nearly breaking into a fit of sobs himself.

"Rei!" his voice was soft, high and excited, like he was amazed at the simple fact that she was even there. As he pulled her to him, she broke out into another fit of tears, her voice whimpering, laughing, sobbing. She held onto him tightly, as if she had been falling all her life.

"H-How…?" Shinji asked dumbly, honestly not sure of what else to say.

Rei tried to speak, but all she could manage was another round of jubilant sobbing, and she buried her face against his chest, her hands gripping tightly at his nightshirt.

Shinji was in shock. He had been noticing Rei's behavior of late, but never before had he seen her like this. It was like there had been a stopper placed in her emotions, which had suddenly been removed, and now a lifetime's worth of tears and laughter was spilling out all at once.

He reached for a tissue and began dabbing delicately at her tear-soaked face, smiling at her as reassuringly as possible.

"I didn't…" he began, stuttering slightly. His mind was practically running on autopilot. "I didn't think it was possible…"

Rei sniffed, letting out another half-laugh, half-sob.

Shinji dried her cheeks, lifting her face to meet her eyes, a warm, reassuring smile on his face.

"Rei…" he breathed. "You've never looked more beautiful to me than you do right now…"

Rei's sighed, letting out a breath as she smiled, which slowly turned into a laugh. It started out as an exhilarated exclamation, but slowly turned into a cry for help.

"I don't know what to do…"

Here she was, having finally attained the humanity she had so been yearning for, seeing a whole world of possibilities open up before her, and she had no idea which road to take. It was impossible to see down any of them, and every journey looked like a treacherous hike through heartache and hardship.

But as Shinji took her hand in his to give it a tight squeeze, she soon began to realize just how much happiness and wonder lay down whichever road she chose to take.

Because they would be taking it together.

Slowly, she got to her feet, leaning heavily against her husband as he helped her back to bed. Rei didn't sleep much that night, lying awake staring at the ceiling, her mind still racing at the thought of the years ahead of her, and the wide, beautiful world that was out there waiting for her. Shinji didn't get much sleep either, and had left his hand resting on her stomach, stroking and caressing gently, his mind awash with how he was going to handle being a father.

Rei thought back to all those possible futures she had witnessed. Not just That Which Should Be, but all of the others whose voices had contributed to the cacophony. Some of the lives she had seen had died very young. Some had died when she was still a pilot. Some had seen her as old as she was now, while still others had been elderly. She wondered how many futures she'd lived through to get to this one, how many times she'd died, how many times the Angels had been fought, defeated, lost to, and how many times Third Impact had occurred, been altered, or simply avoided.

What made this one different? What had happened in this life to make things turn out like this? Mayumi had said it best: with her and all her fellow pilots' circumstances, their quirks, their psychological oddities, and baggage they each carried, they could have turned out very differently. Disastrously differently.

So what had changed? What had been altered to make this reality different from all the others?

She turned to look at Shinji, who gave her a half lidded smile as he continued to stroke her stomach. She couldn't imagine life without him. She couldn't imagine how she'd be without him. Would Asuka have been any better off without Kaworu? Or Toji without Hikari? Or Kensuke without Mana? Did that one special someone change so much about each of them?

As she leaned her head on Shinji's shoulder, Rei felt him kiss her cheek.

"I love you, Rei…"

Rei sighed and closed her eyes. She felt Shinji's hand stroke her belly. Somewhere within her, there was another life, slowly rising from the sea of souls, to take their first step into the world. Mayumi and the Commander had left this world to them, and it was up to them to make this world worth living. But they never could have done it without each other.

Perhaps Mayumi had been right, Rei thought, as she drifted off to sleep.

Perhaps one life made all the difference.

~fin

xxxxx

7 years, 3 books, 34 chapters, and 143,835 words ago, I started writing this fic. At the time, I had no plan for making this anything ambitious. I just wanted to see what would happen if Yui had been alive at the start of Evangelion, and what difference her life would have made. But in the end, the difference of a life didn't come down to Yui's existence, but to everyone. What started out as an exploration of Shinji and Rei's relationship expanded into examination of a everyone's relationship.

Thanks to all my subscribers. Thanks for all your comments and criticisms, your encouragements and rants. You were my motivation. You were the yardstick against which I measured my abilities. I couldn't have completed this fic without your continued support.

Keep writing. Keep reading. Keep showing your devotion to the things you love. It's that kind of dedication that's responsible for the world of fan fiction.