Title: Reprogramming

Author: Spider

Pairing, Character(s): Finn, Burt, Kurt

Rating: PG-13 for what Finn thinks is happening behind a closed door.

Genre: AU/Crackfic

Warnings: Uh... imagined incest?

Spoilers: Laryngitis

Disclaimer: I wish I owned this!

Summary: Set during Laryngitis, Finn stumbles across an odd scene between Hummel father and son. AU

Word Count: 797

Notes: This was written as a gift for Fearful Little Thing/Fox. Her awesomeness knows no bounds.

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REPROGRAMMING

"Don't put that in there!"

"That's how it's done."

"No, no isn't! Not like that! It's not going to fit!"

Finn chewed on a banana as he stared at the door to the Hummels' attached garage/Burt's mancave (apparently, an auto shop wasn't enough for the older Hummel, who just loved working with his hands). Kurt had appropriated the basement of this house for his room, dance studio, and fashion lounge, and Burt had taken the garage. Finn knew that the best place to look for Burt in the Hummel home (he was allowed to let himself in now, Burt had said, if Burt was home and Finn wanted to catch a game) was the garage.

But why, Finn wanted to know, was Kurt in the garage? And sounding rather panicky, too. But Burt was there, so it wasn't like there was an attacker in the house or something...

"Dammit, kid, stop squirming so much! It's not going to hurt..."

"You don't know that!"

Unless Burt was attacking Kurt. Finn's eyes grew even wider as he stared at the door. It certainly didn't sound like whatever was going on in there was very good for Kurt, but Finn was used to Burt rushing to Kurt's defense.

Oh god. Burt rushed to Kurt's defense not because he loved Kurt, but because he was in love with Kurt. It all made sense now. Burt and Kurt both claimed Kurt looked just like his mother. After she died, Burt must have started... and Kurt wouldn't tell anyone, because how do you tell someone that your dad does that to you!

"Kurt." Burt was sounding exasperated now. "We've done this a thousand times. You've told me yourself. It doesn't hurt. Now stop struggling and turn around so I can get this in you."

Holy fuck. What else could it possibly be! Finn reached for the door, hesitated.

"You'll... you'll take it right out if it doesn't work?" Kurt's voice sounded small, defeated. "I don't want to be even more messed up..."

"I promise," Burt said. "Hold still, now."

Finn threw the door open, brandishing the banana like a gun. "Hold it right there!" he shouted. "Break it up!" He could come to Kurt's defense too. Because just because the guy was gay didn't mean he needed to have his dad trying to sex him up.

Except... Kurt still had his clothes on. And he was staring at Finn in horror. And the back of his head was open.

His head. Was open. There was a little door. On his head. It was open. And Burt was holding some tools and he had been fiddling around in Kurt's head. Because that wasn't a brain. That was, like, circuit boards and shit. Metal. Wires. Not a brain.

"Ho shit..." Finn muttered.

Kurt squirmed in his seat on his dad's workbench, turning his head to get the opening out of Finn's sight. "Uh... maybe knock, next time?" he asked weakly.

Burt sighed, reaching up to turn Kurt's head back. "Stay still if you want this done quickly."

"What the hell!"

"He's an android," Burt said. "Experimental design. And malfunctioning."

"I'm not malfunctioning," Kurt muttered. "I don't malfunction. You programmed me incorrectly."

"Wait... what?"

"He wasn't meant to be quite so flamboyant," Burt said. "Or gay. Two big design flaws that will not win him any approval with other android developers should I ever choose to go public with him."

"On the other hand, you have effectively created a unique and fabulous personality, the likes of which other developers won't even touch with a ten-foot pole," Kurt pointed out. "Way to be daring and adventurous. There is a certain je ne sais quoi about your work here with me."

"Yeah, you shut up with the French, or I'll switch you over to French mode entirely," Burt grumbled. "Finn, you come over for the basketball game?"

"Uh... yeah. Kurt's a robot?"

"Android," both Hummels chorused. "Is it really that late already?" Burt asked.

"It's almost six..."

Burt nodded. "Why don't you go turn it on. I'll just finish up here and join you."

"Sure," Kurt muttered. "Leave me high and dry while you watch your sports."

"You'll have to reboot anyway," Burt said. "And maybe you'll like sports more this time around."

Finn just turned slowly and walked out of the garage. About ten minutes later, Burt joined him on the couch, drying off his hands. "Not a word of this to anyone."

"No sir," Finn said, staring at the big tv.

No one would believe him, anyway.