Hi everyone! I just wanted to write a B/G story that was fun and short, so we have this, most likely in two chapters. Possibly three. Short chapters are not seeming like a bad idea to me at the moment. :P

Here's the details:

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Title: Brits Do It Better
Pairing: B/G
Rating: This chapter probably T, fic as a whole is definitely M
Summary: Buffy overhears a drunken conversation between Giles and Spike concerning her sex life with Riley, resulting in a very confused and intrigued Watcher and one very pissed off Slayer.
Spoilers: Season 4 generally. The fic is set sometime soon after Where the Wild Things Are, and is essentially AU. Which might matter if it actually had a plot!
Disclaimer: I don't own BtVS or any of the characters. I just like poking them with a metaphorical sharp stick. Yay, torture!

Dedicated to Rippertish, who recently demanded that I 'write some dirty smut'! You won't get it in this chapter, but I think you can tell it's in the pipeline.

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Brits Do It Better
Chapter 1

"So then she says, 'I don't care. I swear I'll stake you whether you have a chip or not!' Do you believe that? I mean, Christ… dust me when I can't even fight back properly? Talk about kicking a vamp when he's down."

"Hmm." Giles was sprawled lazily in his armchair, neck stretched sideways and a glass of Scotch dangling precariously from his left hand. He was drunk. So drunk, in fact, that he wasn't even bothered by Spike's boots on the furniture. The vampire was reclined on Giles' couch, legs fully extended and feet crossed comfortably upon the arm of the sofa. He had his own glass of Scotch balanced somewhat unsteadily atop his solar plexus.

"I mean, what's her problem anyway? I haven't even tried to kill her lately. Or any of you wankers she calls her friends." He spoke as though he seemed to think that this fact deserved some amount of special recognition.

Giles leveled his house guest with a Ripperish glare, reaching toward the coffee table for the half-empty liquor bottle. "Oh yes, and all out of the goodness of your heart." The neck of the bottle clinked against the mouth of the glass.

Spike looked momentarily affronted. "Oh come on! Just because I can't doesn't mean I would if I could." He scowled, showing quite plainly that yes, he really wished he could. "Besides, it's not like she treats you all that much better."

Almost choking on his rather large gulp of spirits, Giles waved a finger at Spike unsteadily. "Don't you dare compare yourself to me. I'm sure Buffy has a lot on her mind-"

"Ohhhhh, right!" Spike interrupted. "So much on her mind that the Slayer can't remember to tell her own Watcher about the secret government organization she's joined?"

Giles frowned briefly, trying to hide his displeasure and stop his subconscious from producing visions of himself strangling Maggie Walsh. Thinking homicidal thoughts about the dead was certainly very wrong, even for reasons other than simple chronology. His eyebrows knit in irritated confusion at this train of thought. "Everyone makes mistakes. And it's natural for Buffy to want some independence. College-"

"College?" Spike snorted. "What has that got to do with anything? She's always been independent. That never stopped her from sticking with you before."

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Giles sighed in defeat. "Do shut up, Spike…"

"Then she meets one beefy farm boy and you're thrown aside with the rest of the broken playthings."

"Oh, thank you so very much." Leaning back in the chair, Giles knocked back the rest of the Scotch and proceeded to stare at the ceiling.

The man and the vampire were silent for a long moment, both contemplating their various and sundry recent injuries at the hands of Buffy Summers. A heady atmosphere of abandonment, anger, and alcohol pervaded the room.

Spike broke through the heavy, depressing mood with a small throat-clearing noise. "You know… there might be something to be said for that."

Pretending to care simply because he had nothing better to do, Giles gave the necessary reply. "For what?"

Sitting up slightly, a devious look passed over the vampire's face. "Buffy and Riley. Maybe that's the reason she's been queen Bitch lately."

Giles shook his head, scrunching his face in perplexity. "I think I must be missing something."

"No, mate. I'd bet the blood bank Buffy's the one missing out. Maybe soldier boy just isn't up to the task. It would certainly explain why she's so high strung."

Little wheels turned drunkenly in the Watcher's mind. Something niggled at the edge of his consciousness. Several somethings, which were not often thought of concurrently. Not, at least, on the surface. A few of them involved Buffy. Most of them involved sex. "Now just a moment. You can't seriously be implying- I mean, you can't honestly think-"

"Yeah I can! I'm telling you, all the classic signs are there. The Slayer is cranky because G.I. Joe can't figure out how to ring her bell!" Spike smirked, releasing a manic giggle.

Giles sputtered. "But… surely she must… I mean…" Even without the aid of alcohol, he was reasonably sure he wouldn't have been able to come up with a rebuttal against Spike's theory. That would require far too many thoughts of Buffy in delicious, compromising, limb-tangling situations- and once he got past the notion of her exquisitely toned naked skin he wasn't even sure what he was attempting to defend anymore. "Bloody Hell…"

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Buffy walked quickly toward Giles' apartment, not looking particularly happy. She had just had another fight with Riley. He didn't want her to patrol, she had to. He wanted to go with her, she found him distracting. He wanted to have sex before she left, she didn't feel like it. You know, just life in general. Classic couply squabble. Except for the parts about killing vampires- but hey, it was normal to her. Like other people didn't have their quirks?

She sighed, approaching Giles' building from around back. With Adam on the loose she tried to make sure her patrol included at least a brief sweep of the neighborhoods where her friends lived and the perimeter of their homes. Better to be safe than sorry. That had become abundantly clear after her Watcher's recent stint as a Fyarl demon. Her heart jumped into her throat every time she thought about how close she had come to killing him. Buffy shuddered. What would she do without Giles?

Walking past the open window to Giles' living room, she heard voices drifting out into the rapidly darkening night. She molded herself against the wall, peeking curiously around the corner to see who he was talking to.

Spike? Oh, great. What was he doing here? Buffy crouched down next to the window, reaching out with her Slayer hearing to catch the thread of the conversation. She heard Spike telling Giles that college wasn't a reason for her not to stick by him. Wait a second- did that mean Giles thought she wasn't sticking by him? Her eyes narrowed as she continued to listen.

Buffy smiled as her Watcher deflected Spike's arguments, even though she didn't care for the slight slur she could detect in his voice. What was with Giles being drinking guy lately, anyway? She resolved to spend more time with him, maybe even make him some tea. Some company other than Riley would be nice once in awhile anyway, and Willow and Xander seemed so busy with their own relationships lately…

She was barely able to hold back a shocked exclamation as Spike started talking about her and Riley. Where did he get off saying things like that about their relationship? Maybe she would stake him after all. Tonight was as good a night as any! Her anger continued to build as Spike clarified his meaning in no uncertain terms. Ring her bell? Why did men have to be such pigs?

She listened as Giles burbled over his response, waiting for him to tell Spike to mind his own business. To her annoyance, she heard a tone of incredulous curiosity in his voice. Looking in the window, she took in his glazed expression and Spike's self-satisfied smirk.

Spellbound and not just a little bit infuriated, Buffy waited. She had no idea what they would say about her next, but she had a definite feeling that one or both of the men in that room were going to be in big trouble by the time this conversation was over...

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Tune in next time and see just how badly Giles can shove his foot in his mouth. Or will Buffy be mad enough to do it for him? No worries, I'm sure some good will eventually come of this. I am the author, after all! ;) Like it? Hate it? Want to take it to the prom? Let me know in a review!