The "I" Word
by Lexa Rawr

Chapter Ten

A/N: It has been a long time since I updated, I know! I made a few minor revisions to old chapters - please read those before reading this chapter even if you've read this story prior to this April update! I'm sorry for the inconvenience. It's been so long that maybe a refresher wouldn't be a bad idea, anyway.
As for why this took so long... Real life is a bitch. I have no excuses but I apologize all the same.

I opened my eyes.

Again, I am assaulted by sounds that I know, but it feels too much like I shouldn't have been able to hear them. The fan whirring in the bathroom. The refrigerator humming at a volume that seems too great. Deep, level breathing nearby.

Breathing. Jacob. I looked over, studying him briefly. He was slumped over in the armchair, sleeping. A lone lamp was on in the room, casting everything in the vicinity with a warm glow. The light seemed to make noise, but I wasn't sure why.

Slowly, carefully, I began to slide the knitted Afghan off of me. The blanket rustled against the sides of the couch and my legs - I froze when Jacob shifted in his sleep. I waited a moment, but he didn't wake up. Relieved, but cautious as ever, I sat up. Resisting the urge to stretch, I stood, going to great lengths to remain silent. I couldn't count the number of times when I had been forced to be stealthy - adrenaline-fueled times where one misstep could easily have cost me my life - but I couldn't remember it ever being this easy.

With each step, there was what could only be described as the faintest of echos. It was as if I could gauge where there would be a creak, simply by the sound of the previous step. Weird. That had never happened before. Maybe the floor here was just that noisy.

On silent feet, I crept through the hall, avoided a wooden plank that could have made a sound, and made it to the door. Electricity danced inside my fingertips and toes, as if I were standing on the edge of a cliff. Anxiety lurked in my gut, but there was a yearning within me beyond belief, one that crooned and soothed, making promises that once I was outside I would be -

"Anya?"

His voice was sleepy, I noted once I whirled around to face Jacob, but his eyes were wide-awake. Reaching back to rub the back of my neck, as though I, myself, was still tired when energy pumped through my veins like molten fire through an icy glacier, "I... ah... woke up." Why did my voice sound so loud when I was sure it was supposed to be quiet?

"I see."

I tried for a smile, but it didn't really work.

"What were you doing?"

"I was..." What was I doing, exactly? Well, I was planning on lying anyway, so it probably didn't matter. "...going for a walk."

"A walk." His tone was the epitome of skepticism and I looked at my feet.

"Yeah, I like to exercise first-thing in the -"

"You were going on a walk at eleven o'clock at night?" Dammit.

"...yeah?" His answering stare, which I felt rather than saw, told me that it wasn't going to work. I said nothing.

"Anya..."

"It's... uh, nothing. Really." I hated how... dumb... I sound. The so-called "Ditzy dorky act" isn't such an act anymore. I crossed my arms and frowned at him, trying a different approach. "I actually don't think there's much of a reason for me to be here."

"What?"

"I... I don't even know what day it is –"

"Anya, you need to stay here."

"No. No, actually," I shook my head, "I don't. I really don't." He took a step towards me and I twisted the door knob. In a flash, his hand was secured around mine, holding it – and the door – in place. "Let me go!" I jerked against his grip, but it held firm. Everything blurred and darkened and brightened, like a bad Photoshop filter.

"Anya, listen to me –"

"Let. Me. Go." My voice sounded foreign to my own ears. Maybe it did to his, too, because he stilled and it was all I needed. The energy that danced in me reared up and the next thing I knew: Jacob was flung back against the ground a few steps away from me (had I shoved him that hard?), and I had the door open (had I moved that fast?), and the air was crisp (something in me stirred), and I could smell –

"Anya!" The sound of footsteps, quick and rapid but further away, answered his shout – Leah, I guessed – before his own, heavier footfalls followed.

The electricity became more reminiscent of fire, burning under my skin. The moon, or the three-quarters that I could see, was so impossibly bright. I stopped to stare at it like a spectator at the most glorious sports event in the world. My eyes began to ache from its searing light so much that I looked away. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a tanned arm reach for me. Faster than I had thought possible, I stumbled away, the world blurring around me briefly until I came to an unsteady halt. My name was called, again, and again, but a roaring in my ears began to block it out until I didn't care.

I could feel it, no, her. I could feel her inside of me, clawing and howling like a prisoner beating the door of his cell. "Run," she snarled, in my mind in a voice that only seemed partly my own, like an echo.

Pain flashed across my spine as if a miniature plane had struck me. I doubled over, painfully aware of the moon's weight that both pushed and pulled. Since when did light weigh anything?

I gasped as my throat constricted, as if something were choking me. Scents, foreign but familiar somehow, assaulted me and she was in an all-out panic. "Let go!" She screamed so loud that I screamed – but the scream of shock morphed into one of agony as I felt like all my bones were shattering. I cracked open an eye I hadn't realized was closed to look at my hand. In that instant, I realized that they were.

My scream morphed into something else, something inhuman caught between a howl and a whine. I collapsed to my hands and knees – no, not my knees... my feet. But everything was so much lower!

Her voice was seductive: "Give in." She whispered promises in my ears, assured me that she knew what needed to be done. We would be safe, she promised. We would be free, she promised. I wouldn't need to worry, she said, "there is no reason to be frightened." My heart skittered in my chest and, again, I was aware of voices. She sounded so confident, this voice...

It was like falling into too deep of water and being unable to swim.

I sunk deep into the recesses of my own mind, dimly aware of a silver blur passing by me during my descent.

"I will protect us."

I believed her and let myself fall.

The Wolf had made a promise to her Guardian and she intended to keep it while she could. With the Moon for strength, she would protect the Guardian to the best of her ability. A reversal of roles, perhaps, but the Wolf did not worry. This was not wrong. Her Guardian was not weak – young, yes, but not weak. Her Guardian would protect her from the Sun, that was payment enough. She had suffered during the Transition and the Wolf was sorry for it. Their Guide had been unwise and reckless.

The Moon's pull was weaker than it could be, but strong enough to hold for the night – already the Wolf could tell. While the Moon hid a fraction of her face, which saddened the Wolf – she would mourn the darkness later.

There were other wolves circling her, she noticed, but they were different. Wrong, somehow. She did not like them. Their eyes were human, wide and confused. Impostors, she thought. They knew nothing of the Hunt, the Moon, or what it even was to be Wolf. The Wolf curled her lip at them, warning them not to get too close. She would rip the throat out of anyone who dared to even try.

One was Alpha. The Wolf knew this just by looking at him and his scent confirmed it. The russet-colored wolf was the largest and she hazarded a guess that he was likely the strongest – as any leader should be. Regardless, he was their Alpha, not hers. Still... something about him gave her pause.

He was too optimistic about her sudden hesitation, for he advanced a step toward her. The Wolf growled menacingly, crouching in preparation for an incoming attack. The Alpha was smart enough to stop, though the Wolf was disappointed that he was not suitably frightened of her. He was larger, yes, taller, yes... perhaps her odds were not as good as she had thought. Her ears flicked back, flattening against her skull as her lips closed once again. Wolves were not liars – she hid nothing, even from her enemies. Even if these wolves were not truly Wolf.

She side-stepped, toward the smaller ones. Perhaps she could startle them into breaking the line so she could make her escape. A low growl caught her attention – they were unfazed by her almost-approach. She bared her teeth at them in rebuke, but looked at the Leader once again when she saw movement in her peripheral vision.

He was agitated. Even though he was not truly Wolf she could read him like one. His tail lashed out at the air behind him and his dark eyes were narrow – but there was no aggression in his stance. Frustration overruled anger in his features. He caught her eye, though, and the Wolf was shocked to realize he was attempting to initiate a Bond. Outraged at his gall, the Wolf retreated a step and snarled. Her hackles bristled and a growl rumbled from her throat. A few answering growls from several wolves-not-Wolves followed, but the Wolf paid them no mind.

Instead, she stalked right up to the Alpha, angered by his clumsy attempts to tie her to them. The Wolf was no puppet – there were no strings for him to pull and the Alpha should have known that. The Wolf was about equal in size to the subordinates, larger than several, but smaller than the Alpha. The Wolf knew she would likely not win in a fight against him – but she had not Transitioned only to be bound once again. She bit back a growl at the mere thought of being Bonded to anything when she had only just been freed. The Wolf had promised her Guardian, however, so she had to tread carefully. She could not afford to instigate a fight she could not win for the sake of her pride if it would cost her Guardian as well.

The Wolf inclined her head as the Alpha tucked his chin closer to his throat. They were testing each other – testing to see if either was planning to attack. The Alpha stood stock-still and the Wolf did the same. She could feel him, them, at the edges, like an intruder on her territory. The Wolf was not sure how he was doing it – Bonds had to be mutual. The Wolf had no desire to link herself to the Alpha. He should not have even been able to tempt the fringes of the Wolf's – and, consequently, Guardian's – mind.

Unless...

No. The Guardian was safe, her spirit resting within. The Guardian had no control over such things.

But, in that moment, the Wolf had wavered.

It was all the Alpha had needed, with his overbearing gaze and outstretched mind.

Furious, the Wolf launched herself at him in a final bid to break any Bond, but the she underestimated the Alpha's reflexes. In an instant, the Wolf found herself pinned to the ground with the Alpha's teeth at her throat. An indignant, but notably muted, growl escaped her, though she quickly fell silent in acknowledgment of her predicament.

The Alpha tested the Bond like a pup dipping his toes into icy water, as if he knew nothing of what it meant. The Wolf glared up at him even as he released his (albeit gentle) grip of her neck. He stared down at her, confusion in his eyes but annoyance pulling at his brow.

"You fumble around in our mind, Alpha." The Wolf taunted him even as she allowed herself to fall limp with apparent defeat. "What trickery did you use to accomplish the Bond?"

"Bond?" His voice is tentative, a contrast to the dominance in his tensed posture. The Wolf hears the other wolves-not-Wolves shift anxiously nearby like the restless adolescents they probably are. "Aren't you Pack?"

Amused: "I forsake Packs long ago." Not as amused: "Answer my question." She expected a reprimand for daring to order an Alpha, but instead he replied with no hesitation.

"I don't know what you mean." The Wolf found no deceit in his eyes or their newly-made Bond. "I only meant to accept you into the Pack."

"We are not yours to accept." The Wolf shot back hotly.

"We? What... who... are you?"

"I am Wolf. You are not. I share my form with my Guardian." Loathe as the Wolf was to speak of such things, especially her Guardian, she was Bound to the Alpha. "You have created a Bond. Surely you must know how."

"What have you done with Anya?" The Wolf assumed that Anya was a nickname for the Guardian.

"Anneliese is safe. I protect her and she protects me." Apparently, the answer was not satisfactory to the Alpha, for there was a flash of fangs and once again her throat was gripped by his jaws. Through the Bond, the Wolf was aware of his rage – though what it was directed at, she did not know. The Wolf had forgotten what it was like to feel fear. It was chilling, the prospect of being Bound to one who would harm.

"What the hell is going on?" The words were heavier, laced with Order. Instinct ruled that the Wolf must respond and make every effort to obey.

"I am Wolf and she is Guardian and I can only be safe when the moon is there to guide me. You are not Wolf, not like I am. You created a Bond where there shouldn't be one. I did not consent to such a thing and yet it happened. I fear that I am not good enough if I cannot protect the Guardian from another's will. Our Transition was not smooth and our Changes will be painful for some time as a consequence." The Wolf whimpered, not sure what she was meant to say.

"I don't understand... you took over Anya's mind?"

"We are two sides of the same coin now, Alpha. This mind is not mine to have, but the Guardian was frightened. I have Instinct to guide me where the Guardian does not. Our Guide was unsuitable for the duty. Time will make the separation nonexistent."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean? Let her go!"

"I only seek to protect," the Wolf tried to assure him, but the weight of the Order was too great. With regret at the forefront of their mind, the Wolf closed her eyes. This was not how the first Run was meant to be, but the double-hit from both the Alpha's Order and the Bond's Demand gave the Wolf no choice.

Murmuring apologies to the Guardian who knew so little, the Wolf pulled back obediently.

I opened my eyes.