Third Times the Charm

5/20/10

Buffy considered the tall, bronze-haired vampire with crossed arms and a thoughtful frown. He had just finished explaining to her that unlike the vampires she had spent her high school life fighting, not only was it impossible to kill him with a stake to the heart, but sun did not so much hurt him as turn him into a humanoid disco ball.

"So you can't go out in the sun... because you sparkle."

"That's right," he confirmed, absurdly serious. Buffy nodded.

"So you're a gay vampire."

"NO!" Edward spluttered, horrified; his dreamy warm-urine eyes glinted moodily in the sparse light.

"Hey, there's nothing wrong with it if you are- whatever frosts your cookies. I mean, one of my best friends is-"

"Don't you understand what this is?" Edward brooded all angelically and agonized-like as he tore his shirt open to reveal his insanely chiseled chest and abs you could grate cheese on. "This is the skin of a k-"

And then Buffy staked Edward.

"OWWW! What the hell!"

Buffy frowned at the chunk of splintered wood in her hand, tossed it aside and shrugged.

"Sorry, just making sure."

Edward brooded extra hard, his perfect, dead-looking super pallid concrete lips pushed out in a pout. Buffy thought he looked kind of like one of the black velvet drug addict paintings that blond Rastafarian guy sold down at the boardwalk for twenty bucks. While Edward was busy switching from brooding to musing for a change of pace, Buffy produced a bottle of holy water and sighted on the vamp's shellacked-baby-butt-smooth forehead.

Then Buffy splashed Edward.

Nothing happened.

"My father was a minister," he confided in a voice which attempted velvet but achieved frayed polyester; there were no brain dead albino teenagers with inner ear problems around to swoon over his insomniac mysteriousness, so he gave up the ghost.

After a moment's further thought, Buffy flipped open a cell phone and started to dial.

"Well if you're not doing anything, you should come meet my Watcher. Maybe he can explain your wonky, sparkly existence."

Just as Edward was about to reply, a light came on in the Slayer's eye. A moment later she pulled out a lighter and can of hair spray.

And then Buffy scorched Edward.

Alpacca Bites: This was an Iron Chef on the PPMB about a gazillion years ago (or, you know, almost a year. Whatever.), but my computer broke so I couldn't share my contribution. Here it is: Buffy vs. Twilight. Can you tell who won?

As usual, flames will be mocked, laughed at, then discarded.