Chapter 3

CLARE

My stomach twisted around as Alli and I walked up to Degrassi. Eli. Eli. Eli. I'm going to see Eli! What should I do? What should I say? Should I say anything? Should I wait for him to say something? Ugh! Things were more complicated between us than they had ever been before. Alli would probably know what to do, but asking Alli for relationship advice these days would only start a rant about how much of a slut Bianca is, how much Drew hurt her, and how much she hated his mother, which would end with a lot of tears and leave you with nothing but a whole lot of regret.

'Clare! Are you listening to ANYTHING that I'm saying?' Alli said in frustration.

'Sorry,' I muttered.

Alli huffed and continued. 'Look,' she said pointedly. Police were standing at the entrance, checking people's bags and making them go through metal detectors. My jaw dropped. I knew Simpson had been serious when he had sent everybody a newsletter informing everyone of the changes, but seeing it in person still shocked me.

'This is ridiculous!' I said. 'We're living in a police state!'

Alli sighed and sat down on a bench. 'If Fitz hadn't been such an idiot, it wouldn't be like this.' She gave me another look. 'Are you FINALLY going to tell me what exactly happened?'

I sat next to her, avoiding her gaze. While the whole school knew that Fitz had had a knife and had almost stabbed Eli, and most of the school knew I had been there as well, no one really knew the details. Away from everything at my grandmother's house, I had only spoken to Alli a few times since Vegas Night and most of the conversations had been centered around Drew. When she did bring it up, I had managed to find excuses not to answer every time. But school was starting again, and typical Alli, she had to know the gossip.

'Look,' I said, hesitating. I took a deep breath. Alli was my best friend, right? She had a right to know. I launched into a long and detailed explanation, determinedly staring at my feet the whole time. When I had finally finished, I turned to look at her face. Her eyebrows were up. WAY up.

'How did my little Saint Clare get mixed up in all of THAT?' she said disbelievingly.

'You already knew most of it,' I muttered.

'It all seems like a much bigger deal now that we're living in a police state,' she said, air quoting me. 'I still can't believe that YOU set off the stinkbomb!'

'My parents can't either,' I said miserably.

'Oh man,' she said. 'I can only imagine what my parents would do. I'd probably be in even more trouble than Sav!'

'How is he, by the way?'

'The student council president was caught making out with the VP in the theatre in the middle of a school crisis,' she said, rolling her eyes. 'He's not only in deep trouble with my parents, he's also responsible for half the new rules- no being in classrooms unsupervised, uniforms, no PDA…I would say he's pretty embarrassed right now.'

I tried to smile, but my lips were suddenly feeling extremely dry and my tongue seemed like it was glued to the roof of my mouth. The twisting in my stomach had also gotten ten times worse, because I had just spotted Eli and Adam across the parking lot and Adam was pointing right at me.

ELI

'Be cool, dude,' Adam instructed as we watched Clare say something to Alli and then get up, walking in our direction.

I tried to rearrange my face into something cool. What the hell was wrong with me? I didn't GET like this. Yeah, of course I had my moments where I was somewhat less than composed. But I had been living in this twisted, obsessive, depressed state for two weeks now. I barely recognized myself.

It was definitely the khaki pants.

Clare stood in front us. Even in the purple polo and khaki skirt she managed to look good. I looked at her face. She seemed even paler than usual, biting her lip and looking at me with an odd expression on her face- half beseeching, half- well, I couldn't exactly put my finger on it. Sad? Angry? Scared? Sick? Maybe a mixture of them.

'Hey, Clare!' Adam said enthusiastically.

'Hey, Adam….Eli,' she said, looking a bit more like herself as she smiled at Adam, but I couldn't help but note the hesitation in her voice when she said my name. Still, I thought, she was acknowledging me. This was a good thing.

'How was your break?' Adam asked her.

'It was fine,' she answered. 'What about you?'

'Alright, I guess. My mom kind of went crazy and banned me from seeing Eli here, so I didn't really get out much.' He let out an awkward laugh. The whole situation was awkward, in fact, but I appreciated the kid for trying.

'Anyways,' he continued. 'I'm sure you guys have a lot to talk about, so I'm just going to go talk to Drew!' He sped away.

I take that back. I want to throttle him.

I glanced at Clare and saw a slightly panicked expression on her face. So she didn't want to be alone with me either.

We stared at each other for a solid minute.

Say something, Eli, a voice in my head went.

'So,' I said awkwardly. 'Are you okay?'

'I'm not the one who was almost stabbed,' she answered.

I chuckled nervously. 'I'm fine, Clare.'

'Are you handling it?'

The bitterness in her voice surprised me, and I think it surprised her herself.

'I'm sorry,' she said immediately, flushing. 'That was uncalled for.'

'No,' I said. 'I deserved it.'

She bit her lip again, as the stupidity of my actions came flooding back to me. Clare warning me about Fitz, time and time again. I'll handle it, I told her, time and time again.

'I'm sorry for not calling you,' she said.

'Don't be,' I said. What I meant to say was: You don't need to apologize for anything.

She furrowed her brow. 'Did you think about what I said? On Vegas Night?'

That was one of the many things I loved about Clare. She was very direct.

Wait. Did I just say love?

Did I love her?

I contemplated this, my heart feeling like it was about to jump out of my chest. I certainly had feelings for her. I'd been an idiot to try and deny that in the first place. I looked deep into her eyes, hoping to find the answer- and realized she had been waiting for a response for a good thirty seconds.

'Whatever, Eli,' she muttered, and turned around.

'No, Clare- wait!' I grabbed her arm and turned her back around.

'You were right,' I said. 'About Fitz. I should have just apologized and ended things.'

'Even though you weren't the only one in the wrong?' she tested.

I took a deep breath. 'Yes,' I said. 'I've been on the receiving end of bullying my whole life. I thought the best way to deal with them was to fight back, keep them scared- but after I saw my life flash before my eyes, after…after you were put in danger because of it…I realized you were right. Nothing good can come from violence.'

She looked oddly touched, and the anger seemed to have dissipated.

'That means a lot, Eli,' she said.

'So what does this mean…for us?' I was shocked at my own forthcoming. Normally I'm more subtle about this kind of things. And when I say subtle, what I mean is withdrawing completely. God, these Stupid. Khaki. Pants.

'I think,' Clare said slowly, 'that we should maybe take things slowly here.'

'Right,' I replied, my heart breaking a little.

'I just mean that maybe jumping straight into a relationship isn't the best idea around,' she continued.

I reasoned with myself that she had given me time when I had needed it. I resolved to do the same with her.

'Logical,' I replied, managing a smirk. The simple action made me feel a little more like myself.

'So…' she said. 'I'll see you and Adam at lunch?'

'Is that an invitation?'

'Do you want it to be?' Her whole expression had brightened.

I smirked again before answering. 'Yes.'