A weird experiment in Dr. Seuss style rhyme becomes something quite different when KiGo gets involved. Legal disclaimer: Kim Possible, Shego, Disney and The Disney Channel are all trademarks of the mighty Disney media empire. Kim Possible and Shego created by Mark McCorkle and Bob Schooley. Use is probably considered fair under parody law, but just in case: this work was not created for profit. this work was created because I had too much time on the bus.

Green Eggs and Kim

By SHADO Commander

Scene: A large dark and empty Lair, completely devoid of the usual henchmen, etc., and so poorly lit that it is almost completely black. The only thing that is clearly visible in the gloom is a MUSIC STAND at downstage left.

A door opens upstage left and a spotlight picks out KIM POSSIBLE as she enters. She's wearing her fourth season mission outfit and looks a bit confused.

KIM:

(whispering)

Psst! Is this where we're shooting? Where's the rest of the cast and crew?

SHEGO:

(offstage, unseen)

It's a live performance Princess. Reader's Theatre. Your script's on the stand over there.

KIM:

Oh. Ooooookay… Nobody told me anything.

Kim crosses Downstage Left, picks up her script and, after giving it a brief glance, begins to recite a rather Seuss-ian rhyme directly to the "audience."

KIM:

My name is Kim, this is my show,

I'm here to fight my favorite foe,

We fight hand to hand and toe to toe,

She's mean and green, and her name's Shego.

At the mention of her name, a second spotlight picks out SHEGO as she enters at upper stage right and crosses down to stand downstage right, directly opposite Kim. Instead of her usual cat suit, Shego is wearing a green and black kimono and carrying a small green duffle bag. Reaching the front of the stage, she sets the bag down and picks up her part of the verse.

SHEGO:

I am Shego, Shego are I,

I'm not here to fight, that is not why,

But I have some moves I'd like to try,

On my favorite piece of Pumpkin pie.

Shego SNAPS her fingers and suddenly the main lights come on to reveal a HUGE KING SIZE BED at Center Stage. Kim is visibly shocked and disturbed at this revelation, but gamely continues with her half of the script.

KIM:

Please do not call me Pumpkin Pie,

Or I will blacken your green eye,

Are you saying that you now are bi?

That your invitation here was just a lie?

SHEGO:

(grinning evily)

You thought I asked you here to rumble?

Sorry Princess, that's not my bumble!

I didn't slur, I didn't mumble,

I clearly told you "for a tumble!"

KIM:

(Very nervous now)

Oh look at the time, it's getting late,

Sorry Shego, but I'm quite straight,

I'd have left you standing at the gate,

If I'd have known this was a date.

SHEGO:

Oh, you're not into girls, you say?

Come off it Kim, you must be gay,

When we fight, I've seen the way,

You ogle my T's and grab my A!

KIM:

(shakily)

What you suggest is just too wrong,

I've never even worn a thong!

I was raised with morals pure and strong,

And for your info, I'm still with Ron!

SHEGO:

It matters not how you were reared,

We've seen the clues to how you're geared,

And as for Ron, he's just a beard,

That 4th season thing was just too weird!

KIM:

The clues you refer to are just subtextual,

I'm quite the documented heterosexual,

You can't prove my Ron-mance was not actual,

Per the Disney Channel, it was quite contractual!

SHEGO:

Be honest Kim, Ron's just too dull,

There's no sex life for you with that Disney bull,

Think of the gains if you were to go un-Stoppable,

And applied plasma to all your naughty bits Possible!

KIM:

(obviously intrigued but still in denial)

You can use your plasma for THAT? How so?

I'm not even sure that I want to know,

The deviant directions in which your thoughts might flow,

(I should have known this whole thing would end up KiGo.)

SHEGO:

Pumpkin you are such a prude,

But how to change your attitude?

Since my proposals thus far have been eschewed,

How about we compromise… by wrestling in the nude?

As Shego finishes the last line, she drops her kimono to the floor, revealing that she is wearing absolutely underneath except a smile and a tattoo that reads "Kim Possible Fan Club."

Kim is completely pole-axed. Her eyes can't seem to pull away from Shego's emerald charms, but finally the young hero manages to get the next verse out.

KIM:

(with a pronounced tremor in her voice)

Oh, Shego you're disturbing me,

And now your clothes are absentee!

Put them back on now so I can't see,

These sights not approved by the FCC!

Shego snaps her fingers again and GIANT MECHANICAL HANDS descend from the ceiling and start pulling Kim's clothing off. Oddly, Kim does not evade them or even seem to be struggling all that hard.

SHEGO:

Too late for that, my Princess dear,

It's time that you confront your fear,

Let's grapple and I will persevere,

To prove that you're just a little queer.

The Mechanical Hands are now pulling a mostly nude Kim directly towards the bed.

KIM:

Just where did all my clothing go?

Why are your eyes so all aglow?

I can't believe this is apropos

Behavior for a Disney show!

While Kim is being deposited on the bed, Shego has produced a huge green vibrator from her bag o' tricks. It's so large that she has to pull a ripcord on it like a lawnmower and it makes a sound like a chainsaw as she slowly closes in on the nude and spread-eagled cheerleader.

SHEGO:

Your show was cancelled Possible,

And I know you broke off with Stoppable,

Your morality clause is no longer operable,

And you're finally old enough to be fuckable!

The lights go out and the stage is plunged into complete and total darkness. The sound of the insane vibrator from hell gets louder and louder as Kim practically SCREAMS her next lines!

KIM:

Is that a DILDO you have Shego?

I've never seen one before you know…

Exactly where is it supposed to go?

Oh God! Oh God! Oh! Oh! Oh! OOooooohhh!

SHEGO:

(Laughing like a maniac)

Crazed sound effects follow. Elephants trumpeting. Cows mooing. The Station Announcement for Shibuya Station in Tokyo. And what sounds suspiciously like Kim Possible proving that not only can she do anything, but that she's doing it multiple times and having multiple orgasms in the process.

At long last, the lights come back on, revealing a very satiated Kim and Shego lying in bed. Kim exhales a huge puff of smoke, which is quite a trick since neither of them is smoking a cigarette.

KIM:

So now we're here in full undress,

My reputation is a mess,

You've left me all virginity-less,

But I do love you, I must confess!

SHEGO:

I love you too, my seraphim,

And as for Ron, too bad, screw him,

For breakfast you'll have another orgasm,

And I'll be having green eggs and Kim!

Lights FADE OUT and Fin