Parte deux!
Ciel looked at the sizeable stack of chips in front of him and Alois. Who knew Trancy was so adept at gambling? Meanwhile, Selty the headless Irish faerie was speeding around the deck on a demonic headlight-less motorcycle with Luca and Brittany's dog on back, and in the back of a van that someone had parked by the pool, Andrew whatshisface was arm-wrestling with a shifty-looking guy in a fur-lined coat—most commonly known as Izaya, the Informant—who had just finished stomping the WiFi out of someone's cell phone. Apparently they were vacationing from some city called Ikebukuro. Damn foreigners. And halfway through Drocell's rendition of Oh Anna, the Mother Mother Ship had landed and the band themselves had taken to the stage to show him how it was really done. Now they were playing Baby Don't Dance.
"Read them and expel saltwater from your tear ducts while making pitiful sounds," said Claude, placing his hand face-up on the table.
"WHAT THE FUCK?" Alois exclaimed, then picked up one of the penguin things that'd been loitering around saying "dude" and threw it at Claude's head. It exploded.
"Hey, watch it!" Laharl shouted.
"KISS MY ASS, KING LARRY!" Alois yelled back.
"It's Laharl, you ignorant mortal fruitcake!"
"Watch what you call him, kid," Ciel warned. "He's with me."
"Yeah, well I don't like either of ya! I said I didn't want any kiddies at my card game!"
"You can't be more than ten yourself!"
Laharl let out a bark of a laugh. "I'll have you know—"
"Gentlemen, gentlemen," Sebastian said. "Please, let us continue our game in peace. The time will come to beat Faustus to a pulp and expel the young ones for their bedtime, but for now, let us play."
"Fine." Laharl had the next round dealt, licked his finger and tested the wind. "New bet: whoever loses has to jump off that diving board." He pointed up at a three storey high board shooting up at the edge of the pool. Everyone agreed, and the round was played.
"We win!" Alois cheered. He compared everyone's hands. "Close, Larry. Very close. Looks like Claude lost though, aw, boo hoo, don't cry, Claudey~!"
"I am doing no such thing."
"GET UP ON THAT FUCKIN' BOARD! I wanna see this!"
The poker players all craned their necks as Claude ascended the ladder to the top of the diving board. Once at the top, he glanced down and shrugged. "I do not see what is so intimidating about this apparatus. Is the sheer height supposed to cause fear."
Laharl casually pointed upwards. "Oh look, it's a flock of dragons."
"What."
The flock flew over and around and possibly straight through Claude, and once it had passed the ship entirely Claude was nowhere to be seen.
"Nooo!" cried MidBoss. "We only just met, but he was so un-wowed by my dashing good looks that it was downright SEXY! OOOOH, CLAUDE, MY LOVE!"
The triplets stealthily shoveled Claude's winnings into a satchel and scurried off to chase tail. A couple of tipsy, scantily-clothed women giggled when they saw the young men approach. "Hey, ladies, how would you like to party with Trippz? Drinks are on us." And off they went.
Alois snatched the meager stack of chips from under MidBoss' sobbing nose and ran off with Ciel to get plastered with reviewers.
.
Alois' Twitter
PARTY HARDY BITCHES
woah these girls can drink! yikes!
2 minutes later
woah thees grls can maek ciel drink! lol he looks cute when hes tpse,.
3 minutes later
we r doin kareeokay agen & lindsy is singing liek a MEDLEE of all the tiktok parodys! u no the ones! lik the one wear u punch captin crunch then u eat himfr lunch, or I'm mad relly mad plz dont tell my miom &dad, etc,
1 minute later
sumtyms I eat my dessert, beFOR my dinner!
5 minutes later
SUMWUN PUT SEBASCHUN IN A BIKEENI! HOLY SHITSTIKERS, DUS HE LOOK STUPID!
20 seconds later
haha hoo am I kidding, that is a sexy pece of thing.
10 seconds later
jessy sed she did it. I said How? she said Shh...
20 minutes later
omh just finisht dansing wit lindsy! we shud b on So U Thunk U can Dance or sumthin! holy crowly, I think we looked fabbo!
1 minute later
THA HORNY DOG IS BAJK!
30 minutes later
playn bumpercars on the rainbow watr slyd w/ rivewers.
30 minutes later
jus woak up wth am i?
5 seconds later
o hay I'm in kaze's arms and shes feedin me yogert.
10 seconds later
wth is the babty?"
5 seconds later
***11:11 MAEK A WISHG!***
20 seconds later
nvm it was axshully 1:11.
2 minutes later
babys sittin in a buffay tray off penut butr cookies. y do maddy&judy hav the baby & y r they the only oens not wstaed?
1 minute later
maddy jus threw up agen but I thunk is cuz she has been eting here sunce like after dinr.
2 minutes later
got tha baby, gon go find ceil.
5 minutes later
ran into macky &her aleens. wth.
1 minute later
ran into thefruit mon howd he get on this bote?
2 minutes later
RAN INTO THE HRNY DOG!
10 seconds later
y am I running?
1 minute later
ran into britney & Edward Midford they be playn uno.
20 minutes later
I'm sleepy...
1 hour later
whut r u stupd? red eye flashes twice.
56 minutes later
y dus my flying carpt have crown molding?
10 seconds later
I need a bug fivor.
10 seconds later
iam going to need elmers space glue—that is the sparkly one tgat is blu-, a webkinz, 5stix of butter and that horny dog.
2 minutes later
jeez u guys are suspishus.
20 seconds later
a guy cant ask for elmers space glue a webkinz 5sicks of btter and that hrny doig?
1 hour later
woke up past out in the coridoor. ceils asleep on my lap.
3 minutes later
carried him to bed then went looking for luca.
10 minutes later
me &luca siting out on my balcony drinkin milk liek charly sheen and emelio Estevez in that one ep of 2 1/2mans 'cept no one died.
.
Ciel's Journal
Day 6
Antigua
My head is killing me. Brittany's puffy little bearded dog is in my bed. Alois isn't. I have so many questions.
1 minute later
Found a snake in my bathroom.
.
Claude's Weird Sick Brain
Day 6
Antigua
I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MUTHAFUCKIN' SNAKES IN MY MUTHAFUCKIN' LOO!
.
Alois' Twitter
Day MORNING
just had the most disturbing nitemare about robpat and jbeebs gettin it on. no more gin and choklat milk befor bed.
.
Brittany's BOOK OF ADVENTURE
Day 6
Antigua, home of stingrays and Bob the turtle!
Lucky for everyone who is majorly hungover, stingrays are the only awesome thing in Antigua. So we just need to put on our floaties, get in the water with them, touch 'em and maybe hold one, marvel about how it feels like soggy newspaper, and then EVERYONE can go pack to popping Advil and avoiding THE LIIIIIIIGGGGHHHHT! (One Direction ref)
.
Swimming with stingrays:
"Holy SHIT, Ciel! It's terrifying! Make it go away!"
"Stop yelling, I beg of you."
Alois clung to Ciel's back and sobbed. "I'm scaaaaarrred..."
Ciel held out his arms and was given a big ol floppy stingray by one of the excursion people. "It's fine, Alois. It won't hurt you; it just feels like wet newspaper." He offered the ray to the sniveling boy on his back.
"Well maybe I'm mortally afraid of wet newspaper! Did you ever think about that? Did that thought nugget even cross your mind?"
Meanwhile the girls and Kuro mans were noisily having stingray races on which to gamble Oreos. The first ray to collide with lazy Bob the turtle would win!
.
Ciel's Journal
Evening of Day 6
Sailing away from Antigua, home of yet another of Alois' irrational phobias
After enduring a lava cake-eating contest with the girls at dinner—which I won without getting chocolate all over my face, hair, and unfortunate passerby—we went to the outdoor theatre to watch a hypnotist take some pitiful soul and demean him in front of his peers in exchange for a bottle of free premium champagne. And because there seems to be no end to my good fortune on this trip (sarcasm) who should be chosen from the audience but Alois?
I can only assume the hypnotist thought he was being funny when he asked Alois what his greatest fears were and proceeded to convince him that he was being chased by pigeons, flying stingrays, and all of it taking place in a dark forest made of wet newspaper. However, I doubt he expected Alois would nut up and start nailing the hallucinations with a folding chair. It's a wonder the hypnotist was able to continue after the blow he took to the head.
After scaring him half to death and getting some ice for his head lump, the hypnotist convinced Alois he was having a baby. The whole time Alois was shouting, "Anna! You LIED to me! You lied you lied you lied!" which the audience found hysterical. Then he threatened to gouge out both her eyes and feed them to her man-shaped plastic satellite. Then he claimed that he and Drocell had been sleeping together anyway, by the way (which I assume was a lie; I would definitely have noticed if Alois were sleeping around). Then he apologized for taking his anger out on her, "but pushing a tiny human out of your vag is DAMN HARD!" Then he started in on blaming me for destroying his "voluptuous body".
Now having made a complete and utter arse of Alois, the hypnotist had one last question. "Do you have any advice for the audience here?"
To which he joyfully replied, "Don't drink gin and chocolate milk before bed!"
.
Brittany's BOOK OF ADVENTURE!
Day 7
St. MAAAAARTEN
Just got back from the rainforest canopy ziplining/ropes course! MY FAVOURITE THING EVER!
I took lots of great pictures of Ciel sucking at it. Sebastian's so tall his feet were dragging on the ground on one of the lines. And Alois is like a hairless British monkey!
.
Ciel's Journal
Day 7
St. Maarten
That was bloody awful, pardon my language. At least now we have some time to relax.
.
On the gnarliest beach in St. Maarten:
As far as Claude knew, a bunch of random reviewer girls had eagerly invited him to play Marco Polo with them. Thus he was wandering around in the gnarly surf off the coast of St. Maarten, eyes closed, arms outstretched like the zombie he probably is.
"Marco."
"POLO!"
In actuality, someone had discovered Drocell knew how to throw his voice and that he was also a fair hand at imitating girls. Thus, while Alois and Luca built a sand fort around a napping Ciel, the girls, Snake, Knox, Grell and Sebastian were watching as Claude stumbled blindly around in search of opponents who weren't there and got clocked on the head by surfers.
"Ow Marco."
"POLO~!" Drocell called.
.
Alois' Twitter
Night of Day 7
middle of the oshun agen
me Ciel and Luca all out on the balcony today. drinkin choklat milk WITHOWT gin. there's a boat far far far away and were imagining whuts going on on it.
10 seconds later
Ciel said sumwuns makin an arse of himself.
10 seconds later
Luca said there are children spittin overbord to see whos spit is fastest.
10 seconds later
I said sumwuns getting lucky.
10 seconds later
Ciel said Probly Except There Kid Is Still In The Room Witch Is Making It Very Diffkult. I laffed.
10 seconds later
...
10 seconds later
O I GET IT!
2 minutes later
took Luca to his room and tuked him in. Ciel tastes like choklat milk.
.
Ronald Knox's Twitter
Night of Day 7
Chillin' on the balcony of Sebas-chan's ex-suite with the boys! Minus Faustus; someone rigged a trap that knocked him overboard with a sack of hammers.
10 seconds later
There's a ship in the distance. We're trying to guess what's going on on it.
10 seconds later
Sutcliff says someone just fell in love. Gag.
10 seconds later
Sebas-chan says someone just won a bottle of free premium champagne!
10 seconds later
The scaly fellow says someone just shed their skin. I don't know if he means that sexually or not.
10 seconds later
Drocell says someone just faked an orgasm. What's wrong with these guys?
10 seconds later
I said they're probably staring at our ship while drinking gin and chocolate milk and trying to figure out what we're doing.
10 seconds later
Now we're trying to guess what they think we're doing.
1 minute later
Apparently we're go-cart racing around the top deck with beautiful half-naked ladies and the hypnotist, drinking cough syrup, listening to Journey full blast, and when the race is over we're going to watch Rango and play Go Fish in Spanish from the comfort of a blow-up mattress as big as a house.
10 seconds later
Then we're going to set off fireworks and drink a few bottles of stolen premium champagne!
1 minute later
We're gonna do it.
.
Ciel's Journal
Day 8
St. Thomas
We just got back from another beach. The girls kept picking me up and swinging me into the waves, resulting in salt in every one of my orifices which, let me tell you, is not pleasant. In retaliation I single-handedly (or single-footedly, I should say) pulverized the shapeless mound of sand they were calling a Hermit Crab Hostel and had apparently worked very hard on. The thing is, they didn't seem too upset when it was crushed and even more shapeless. They just laughed and slapped me on the back and said "Oh, that is so cute. He thinks he's Godzilla," and dragged me back into the surf.
And for some unearthly reason, after another hour of the ungodly heat and stinging salt and chafing sand, I was actually beginning to enjoy myself. The whole concept of playing in the waves is so utterly simple—essentially we were just throwing ourselves at approaching crests of untreated saltwater—but somehow it was fun. They hardly know me and I don't even remember all of their names, but they were overjoyed when I smiled. I think I might even have laughed a little.
And Alois, great Scott was he ever pleased for me. Him and Luca. We were out there nearly till the ship left. I honestly can't understand how the time got away from me like that.
It still kind of feels like I'm in the water. It's not an entirely unpleasant sensation, so I guess I won't complain.
.
Sardines:
Ciel poked his head around another corner. "I always end up getting violated in these sneaky ninja games," he mused aloud. This particular sneaky ninja game seemed designed to encourage such outcomes—Alois was hiding somewhere alone on the ship, and as soon as another player found him they were to cram themselves into his hiding place with him.
"Hey! PSSST!"
Ciel looked down. Speak of the devil. Alois was sticking his head out of a compartment in the corridor wall where the maids' vacuum cleaner was kept. "Alois! You're not supposed to tell me where you are!"
"I thought it was fairly obvious. The vacuum's just sitting in the hall all on its lonesome."
Ciel sighed heavily. "I guess I've lost already then, haven't I."
"I don't know if you can really win—"
"Just shove over."
.
Knock knock.
"Come in!"
The compartment door opened, revealing Kaze, Baby Bo, and Lindsay. "Yo," said Lindsay.
"Oh, Daddy Ciel's here already!" said Kaze. "You see that?" she said to the baby. "Your daddy and your mum are here~!"
"Come, join us!" Alois said, ushering them all in. Ciel scrunched up against the wall with a grimace.
"I brought the homeless dog," Lindsay said.
.
Next to show up were Maddie and Judy. They had pockets full of—you guessed it!—buffet food. And Judy's sparkly rock bling.
"It smells like wet dog in here."
"Who's panting?"
"The wet dog. Goodness, Judy!"
"Don't touch my rock!"
"You guys wanna play Chubby Bunnies?"
.
CJ knocked politely. Alois poked his head out. "Yes?"
"May I come in?"
"You must first answer a skill-testing question! How did you know we were here?"
CJ pointed at the vacuum. "Because the vacuum's just sitting in the hall all on its lonesome."
Alois made his SEE? face at Ciel. The latter was too preoccupied playing Chubby Bunnies.
.
Sebastian came next. "Can we please remove the dog? He smells unpleasant and takes up too much space."
"Your freakish legs take up too much space," Ciel countered.
"He just BURNED YOU LIKE WHOA," Maddie said quite loudly.
"WHOA IS CIEL," Judy pitched in.
.
Grell showed up seconds later. "I saw Sebby darling come this way! Scooch over, mortal females!"
Annie and Emerald were close behind him. Annie glanced in. "Who's all in here?"
"I am!" said Alois. "Who wants to sing a song?"
"You really don't understand this game," Ciel said.
"I'm in," Emerald said and crammed herself into the compartment.
"I'll sing!" said Charles Grey.
Maddie had a small cow. "SINCE WHEN WAS CHARLES GREY ON THIS BOAT?"
.
Anna and Drocell came next. Anna peeked in. "It's like that airplane bathroom all over again. Is Ciel in the vent?"
"The vent!" Ciel exclaimed. "Sebastian, help me shove the dog through the vent!"
"BARK!"
"Ugh! His ass is in my face!"
"I should've cosplayed as Drocell so I didn't have a sense of smell!" Emerald said.
"Hey, I can smell!" Drocell protested. "That's how I seek out my prey."
"Oh you are just precious," Anna said in adoration.
"Sorry, I got you mixed up with Voldemort."
.
Luna was next. "I came as fast as I could! I just had to knock Claude overboard one more time. I paid the triplets to play so loudly Claude was literally blasted off the boat! It was great!"
Kaze shuddered. "Please don't say his name so much in front of the baby."
.
Mackie came next. "Did you guys see Claude go overboard? It was AMAZING!"
"Meap."
"Okay, what are those?" Ciel asked.
"Don't you watch Phineas and Ferb?"
"What's Phineas and Ferb?"
Everyone groaned at him.
.
Jessie opened the compartment door and hopped out of the way as the horny homeless dog was booted out. "Hey, guys," she greeted them. "Is Sebastian in there?"
"Who wants to know?" Grell asked.
"His uh... lap-warmer. It's strictly business, I swear."
Grell poked his head out and looked Jessie up and down. "Hmm... I suppose if it's business only."
"Yessir."
"Alright then. Come in."
.
Ronald Knox opened the compartment door and hopped out of the way as Charles Grey was booted out. The Earl stood and dusted himself, raised his nose at the shinigami and took his leave. "What's his deal?" Knox inquired.
"His sword was sticking me in the side," Ciel explained.
"Then I guess I should leave my lawn mower out here..."
.
Next came Edward Midford, Brittany, and Laura. "Hey! I knew you guys were in here because the vacuum and lawn mower are out in the hall all on their lonesome," said Laura.
Brittany peered in and did a head count. "Is everyone else in here?"
"All except for the triplets."
"But they're too rich and successful for us now!" Alois complained. "Ungrateful bitches! I gave them a roof over their unappreciative purple heads!"
Just then, Thompson, Timber, and Canterbury came sprinting down the corridor. "Hey, we heard there was a party in the vacuum compartment."
"Oh, come right on in!" Alois said chipperly.
"I dibs sitting between Righty-Fringe and Edford," said Brittany.
"Dibs on Sebby," Laura said.
"Already spoken for!" said Jessie.
"I think he's got enough leg for a whole compartment- ful of girls," said someone.
"Is that what I've been sitting on?"
.
"So who won?"
Once again, apparently no one knew.
.
Day 9
On the dock back at San Juan
"Well," said Brittany as she stood in front of Alois and Ciel.
"Well..."
"Well..."
"..."
"This is awkward."
"Please don't make me pretend this actually saddens me," Ciel said.
Brittany said, "I just want to thank you both for helping me kill eight months worth of precious free time. But I have a job now, plus my fortune cookie on Chinese New Years told me to wrap up old things, and I told myself after the first few chapters that I'd stop either at Awkward Moments Day or when Anna did—"
"We get it."
"Tell Toboso Yana-sensei that I say Thank You."
"Will do."
"..."
"..."
"Sorry for bugging you so much."
"Are we done yet?" Ciel asked.
"Can I have a hug at least? Can we hug it out?"
Ciel looked at Alois. Alois shrugged. "Fine. Whatever." The two British boys gave Brittany/sammie-spazzmuffin/the judge/Sambow [Anna's new nickname for me!] a quick hug good-bye and received a very bro-ish smack on the back each.
"Now go! Be free! For the other authors and fanartists and cosplayers to do with you what they wish! Myself included!"
"What?"
"Nothing. Just oneshots. Ciel gets beat up once and Alois got locked in a locker—"
"Oh COME on!"
"But they're mostly harmless fluff! Except for the one where Alois gets all paranoid and commits murder..."
"We're leaving now."
"'Kay bye!"
.
Alois kind of succeeded at his New Years Res. Ciel won't admit it, but he probably accepts him on an emotional level.
Consequently, Ciel failed at his res to get Alois to leave him alone.
And Brittany works at Toys R Us, so TAKE THAT, ECONOMY!
.
And there you have it, folks! It's getting hard to make my Thank Yous any more intense, and I'm a recycler by nature, so I'm going to copy and paste every thank you I've ever said in this fic!
Happy [day of the week], everyone, and thank you for all the wonderful reviews!
I couldn't be more thrilled! Thank you, everyone!
Thank you so much, all of you! TTuTT
If I had a dollar for every review I got, I could buy [MANY] BOXES OF KRAFT DINNER! Do you know how much macaroni and cheese that is? A lot! THANK YOU AGAIN, EVERYONE!
Thank you again for all the reviews, and I hope you have a wonderful week!
Since the last episode we've received [amount] reviews, yippee-ky-yay! Thanks a bunch! Have some cookies, yatta yatta.
thank you so very much!
Thanks a million for the reviews,
To all you wonderful reviewers, AKA the greatest group of non-fictional people in the world: You guys are a million times more funny and clever than you make me out to be, if not more C:
Yep, so, thanks for reading,
Thanks for all the reviews; you guys are the greatest! See y'all next time! So long and thanks for all the fish~!
Hello, my fan-fuckin'-tastic ass-kicking reviewers, all you fabulous people who are so near and dear to my heart even though I don't actually know you! Those of you who don't ever review won't get any cool adjectives, but I appreciate you nonetheless and understand that you may be avoiding reviewing in order to keep from further stroking my seemingly inflated ego, or because you don't have any fingers and are therefore unable to type, so you see, you have all been given the benefit of a doubt. I assume you're all awesome anyway, because you're reading Kuroshitsuji fanfiction, for crying out loud,
I want you to know that I deeply appreciate all the love my fic and I have been getting and that I sincerely hope you feel it back!1!
Thank you guys so much for all the reviews!
Thanks for reading and thank you all again so very much for the reviews! It means the world to me!
I want to thank you all again so much for reviewing!
Thanks again for the reviews! They just make my day :D Like utterly.
So a big big big big big big big big big big thank you, (but not the LAST big big big big big big big big big big thank you) for the many reviews and all the support and kindness and encouragement and all that nice crap! Buckets of internet love for you all!
Good-bye, everyone, and have a wonderful week!
Have a brilliant week, everybody!
Thanks for all the reviews!
It means the world to us!
Spread the love!
And the marmalade!
Have a great week!
See ya'll next time!
THE END!
THANK YOU! FOR READING, FOR REVIEWING, FOR ENCOURAGING/SUPPORTING AND JUST BEING A GREAT BUNCH OF PEOPLE IN GENERAL! It's nice to be able to be stupid and outrageous and have people laugh and give you virtual pastries for it. It is really insane how much this has meant to me! Thank you all!
And happy belated April Fools Day :D