Amen

By: Ashamed-Spider

Shigure contemplates losing Akito as the curse is broken.

So this is the end… And goodbye from me. You've been good. Thank you.

The words choked Shigure as he stood in the doorway of his house, staring out at his Japanese garden in silence. For a moment he had felt serenity, the peace that only accompanied a man who felt his life was complete. It wasn't perfect, but Shigure didn't want anything more.

Then, as if someone had run a cold hand down his back, he shuddered. It was a violent protest against his body, and he withdrew back into his house. Something was wrong. He didn't know what, but this feeling… It wasn't like anything he had felt before. The anger, the loss, the ache, all rolled into one that utterly destroyed the novelist.

His eyes moved to stare at the sky, silently wishing for the soon-to-unfold events to go smoothly. He didn't want any more heartache or bloodshed. The Sohma clan had suffered enough at the hands of Akito.

Akito. Shigure thought of her, covering his mouth with a hand. He could feel himself slipping away from her, and he suddenly, urgently knew what this was. The loss that echoed in his body was him being ripped away from the Zodiac curse; the blight of the clan for centuries, nay, since the start of time.

He collapsed down the nearest wall, coming to rest at the bottom. His hand still obscured his mouth and the lower half of his face, but now it was mainly to stop himself from crying. He knew the others had gone as well, his subconscious grip on them long gone. It felt like centuries since he had felt the subtle tug of his soul when he sat at the table with Yuki and Kyo, the rat and the betrayer cat, who had only strived to stop insanity from God. But they shouldn't take it out on the boy; it was the animal that had made up his own mind.

Shigure pulled his kimono closer to his body for comfort, inhaling the ash scent as if he forgot who he was. The loss was tugging at him strongly now, he felt the others leave one by one and it killed him. He no longer felt close to Hatori or Aya, the very men he should have some form of link with. This thought was the one thing that careened through his mind as he felt warm tears trickle down his pale cheeks, breathing so deeply he felt like he was under huge amounts of pressure.

Akito… Are you sad? He thought, resting his forehead on his folded knees, allowing a tiny sob to wrack his body. He would grieve for her, but not for anyone else. Akito was being abandoned. All the shit she had put the clan through was mounting up against her, and all of them wouldn't have any reason to stay. Even Kureno was leaving. He was in love with Tohru's best friend, Arisa Uotani, meaning Akito would be by herself. He couldn't allow that. He couldn't allow her to be by herself. She refused to see Kureno because of the other woman, and it hurt Shigure to know that she was hurt. Couldn't Akito see? He, Shigure, needed her, and she needed him. Kureno was merely an extra.

He got up suddenly, feeling the blood rush to his head and causing small stars to appear in his vision. He ignored them and stepped further into his empty house, quickly walking into the living room to grab the keys that were left haphazardly on the table. He couldn't be bothered to change out of his dark blue kimono, a plain thing that he wore when he couldn't be bothered to seriously get dressed.

He left his feet bare, knowing that there wasn't enough time, and stepped outside, shutting the door behind him. He felt like he was in a trance; eyes set facing forwards as tears still marched a slow descent down his face. The image in front of him was blurred, distorted. He didn't care who was looking, he stepped into the garage and opened the car door. He preferred to not drive, but sometimes he was too far away to walk. Sure, he remembered the time he hesitated in front of Kyo, Yuki and Tohru. He did have a licence, he just wanted Hatori to come with them.

He sat in the car and slammed the door before sitting still for a moment to compose himself. There was no way he could drive while crying. No, he wasn't crying, he told himself; swore to himself, so violently he wondered how he could worry himself. It was also like he was insane.

He put on the seatbelt and added the key to the ignition, turning the car into a thundering juggernaut that blasted cold air at him. He put his foot onto the accelerator and drove out of the driveway slowly, being sure to be a considerate driver once he went onto the main road.

Akito felt the tug. The Pull. The feeling she had been expecting ever since Tohru forced her way into the Sohma household. She was angry at the girl. But truth be told, she was jealous. Everyone loved Tohru because of what she was; a lovable, idiotic girl who wasn't afraid to cry for others. She gave whatever she could, and asked nothing in return.

The complete opposite of me. Akito smirked to herself as she sat by the window. It was low down, to the point that it felt like Akito was sitting in the garden below. She felt… There were strange words to describe it. She felt empty. Hollow. She wasn't devoid of emotion, nay, far from it. The sensations rippling over Akito's skin were enough to drive her crazy, making her want to itch at scratches and bites that didn't exist. She felt like she was going to vomit.

She knew that no one would come for her. She would have to summon them. With a jerk, she felt another presence leave her, and she turned in the direction it went, the ghost of the animal going back to its friend in the sky. She guessed it to be Shigure's, for the heartache grew until she thought it would make her explode.

God, she thought, blasphemous and unashamed of herself, if Shigure left me… Left me forever, I don't know what I would do. Shigure is mine, and mine alone.

She gazed out of the window again. The tugs on her soul had ceased, meaning the Zodiac had departed. The animals had been freed from their human counterparts, and had gone with their real God - With their best and only, lonely friend.

Akito clung onto herself as she gave in and burst into heart-wrenching sobs that hurt her frame and destroyed her brain. She wanted this to end. The pain. The humiliation of having everyone leave her. The knowledge that in her time she'd screwed up and no one would want her anymore.

That's what caused her to lean against the small expanse of wall in anger and sorrow, beating her firm fist against the wall in the hopes of relieving the pain she felt. It would never end. She had hurt them. H-U-R-T them so badly, they hated her.

They hated her.

Hated Her.

Hate.

Akito doubled over in pain, howling to herself as she felt the last vestiges of familiarity leave her, and then she was alone.

It was silent. There wasn't the niggly buzz of the Chinese Zodiac in the background of her mind, the spark that passed between them as they crossed paths. Not even the annoying ability to find them when they weren't near her. All gone.

She felt silent and, naturally, alone. She was alone, and she deserved it. She had scarred Hatori for life; had cursed him to remember Kana while she had moved on right under his nose. She had hurt Yuki as well, psychologically at first before - oh God! - turning to physical violence when he tried to apologise for her actions.

She had pushed Isuzu out of a window; all for being happy with Hatsuharu. She immediately felt sorry and angry at herself. No amount of apologising would be able to make up for it, and she suddenly felt spoilt. She had hoped the family would take pity on her, apologise and then move on. But it would never work out like that. Rin was stubborn and sharp-tongued. She would never be able to forgive Akito.

She thought of Kisa; the way she had beaten her bloody because Hiro loved her. It wasn't right, she reflected. Kisa was a child. A goddamn child! And then… And then there was Yuki. The rat, the first to arrive at the banquet. Akito had tortured the boy for a long time, telling him things and locking him away, and isolating him from everyone else in the Zodiac circle.

Oh God! She thought to herself, angrily, I'm a monster.

And the way she had treated Kyo and Tohru. Tohru was hospitalized because of Akito's selfish actions.

She had felt Kyo's break first, the spirit of the cat sent away because he loved and was loved. She was sure of it. Kureno wouldn't be included, as his had vanished long before… Perhaps it was her fault. Perhaps it was because she had been sleeping with him. But still, it didn't matter now.

The knife in her heart was twisted as she felt Aya leave her side, then Ritsu, and Kisa and Kagura and Rin. The girls she had so heartlessly abused, with the exception of Kagura, and tormented over their lives. And Haru's, and then Hatori's. They had struck her pretty bad, the knife twisting deeper and deeper until she felt like she would break from the inside out. The horrible, gut-wrenching feeling of loss and death, and abandonment.

And… And… And then Shigure had left her. That one loss had caused her to cry out, to break down even more than she had already, and merely sob. She was so close to him, he knew all of her secrets, perhaps one she didn't know about herself. She had then felt Yuki's rat spirit leave, reminding her that they were all gone. Of course, she remembered Momiji leaving her in the past. And then Akito realised that no one would be there for her.

She turned onto her side, facing the rest of the compound and got to her knees, all the while crying out and allowing sobs to override her body.

"It's okay," She whispered, on her knees. But then she lost control of herself.

"I'm sorry!" She shouted to no one. No one was listening to her, "I'm not like you! I don't have to be special anymore… I'm not God. I'm me… I'm me. I can start my own path in life… Do my own thing! I know I'm not special. I have nothing good in me but… But, I'm sorry! I'm so, so sorry!" She screamed, hugging her body tight against the shivers that covered her body.

Her cries were silenced for a moment, and she took that opportunity to whisper to herself again, to whisper to the God Spirit that had stopped in her mind to say farewell.

"Goodbye."

Shigure found her where she had let her body fall. It was only about half an hour since he had left to meet her at the main house, but in that time Akito had worn herself out. Her cheeks were still damp, as if she had been crying even when exhausted. She looked lethargic; she had gotten to the point where she couldn't cry anymore, and had stayed there until someone found her, which had to be Shigure.

And that had started her off again.

"I- I don't want you to leave me, Shigure," She had pleaded, as he wrapped his arms around her. He held her if only for a moment, the simple gesture causing her to burst into more hot tears.

He had lifted her to her feet and hugged her, still silent. He had made his own way to her room, had found her and had made up his mind.

He loved her, of that he was certain. He didn't care if they had done things out of spite; which they both had. He had touched Akito's mother, and she had been sleeping with Kureno to make him realise what he needed.

And he had been blind.

Shigure realised that this woman in front of him, all five feet odd of anger, rage and sorrow, was the woman for him. The very woman who had pushed and pulled the Sohma family towards and away from her, who masqueraded as a man for so long to be just like her mother wanted. Yes, Akito was a strange being, but Shigure wanted to know this very being inside and out. He needed to feel her, to smell her; even to taste her. He wished for nothing more than to brand Akito as his own, but he didn't know if she would accept him.

He was, in his own words, a manipulative man. He slept with Ren to make Akito jealous; a thing that he had been ashamed of; although he never admitted it. He was a man, and sex was a normal thing for men like him.

Shigure realised that Akito had spoken, and pulled her away from him to look at her seriously.

"I have no desire to leave you, Akito. I know you did what you had to do. We could have tried to leave you, that's why you were so angry. You felt like you were part of a masquerade."

Akito looked down. "It's not that you could have left me; it's just that…"

"That what?" Shigure pressed gently, lifting Akito's chin to gaze into her eyes.

She muttered something quietly, so Shigure didn't hear.

He repeated his question; softer this time, causing Akito's eyes to water again.

"I didn't want to be alone."

She began to cry again; softly, leaning against Shigure's chest as he held her firmly. For a short while he allowed her to cry, the very touch soothing him.

He rubbed soothing circles into her back, thankful for once he had been such a player. The subtle art of seducing women would have otherwise been a lost art with him.

"Ssssh." He hushed her, bringing his hand back to press a finger to her lips.

"Don't cry in my presence, you'll make me feel upset."

Amen.

He leant forwards and gently, cautiously pressed his lips against hers. He wasn't worried about her reaction, she felt the same way as he did.

Akito was taken aback for a moment, but began to reciprocate with a gentle firmness that reminded Shigure of a small child handling an animal for the first time. Although in an entirely different situation, he thought. The feel of their body heat together was comforting; there was a connection between them that made them magnetise, if you will, towards each other, connecting them and keeping them close for all eternity. The old saying echoed in Akito's head like a bad joke. "A dog is always a man's best friend."

Amen.

Shigure broke off the kiss to stare into Akito's dark eyes. They were slightly pink from her crying, but she still managed to look breathtakingly beautiful. He didn't care about what the others thought of them. He loved her - He loved this woman standing in front of him.

But she now had a chance to be a woman, to make friends and live a life of her own without having to control the Sohma family. They were free. Forever.

"Akito, I love you."

Amen.

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Ashamed-Spider