Title: I Can't Bring Myself to Say This Is the End

Prompt: Puck finding out Rachel cheated on him

Characters: Rachel Berry & Noah (Puck) Puckerman

((XX))

Originally written for a p/r drabble meme on livejournal, under the username carnivaldreams

All I own is the storyline.

((XX))

Rachel slumped against the wall of the trembling elevator as it slowly crept towards the third floor of the old apartment building. One glance at her watch confirmed that it was close to one in the morning, and she failed to suppress a yawn.

She was tired. She was tired of auditioning for show after show after show, failing to receive a part every single time. She was tired of working day after day in a tourist popular diner, just so the bills could be paid and food could be bought. She was just tired.

As she walked down the hallway, grateful that the elevator hadn't broken down (again) trapping her in (again), she listened to the sounds of late night Friday. A television playing late night infomercials, a couple arguing the floor above her, the squeaky bedsprings of another couple on her floor, a baby's screams coming from somewhere in the five floor building.

She stopped outside her front door, noting the silence behind it as she fumbled in her handbag for the key ring. Noah had to work in the morning; he was probably passed out in their bed by now.

She was twenty five years old. A decade ago, when she had been the doe-eyed wilful leader of McKinley High's Glee Club she had a plan; high school, college, New York City, the Great White Way. She had never stopped to consider what would happen if the last point in her four-point plan to stardom never materialized.

Slipping through the front door, dead bolting it behind her, she dumped her handbag on the small table next to the door and kicked off her shoes. She wanted to curl up into bed next to Noah, and forget that this week even happened.

Turning on the overhead light for the small kitchenette, she looked up and jumped; the sight of Noah himself sitting on the couch, half obscured by the shadows of the night startling her.

"What are you still doing awake?" After she calmed herself down, she continued in her midnight routine; fixing herself a quick snack and pouring herself a glass of water to take to bed. "Don't you have work in the morning?"

"Do I make you happy Rachel?" He joined her in the kitchen, his voice low. "Don't I try to give you everything you want?"

"Of course you do." Rachel rubbed her hands up his arms, "What's going on Noah?"

"Do you love me Rach?" He hated how…pansy he sounded at the moment; but he couldn't help it. "I love you so fucking much, do you love me?"

"Of course I do." She reached up on her tiptoes to brush her lips over his. "You know I do."

"You want to marry me, you don't feel obligated to or something?"

Her right hand brushed over the small engagement ring on her left hand; she didn't understand the interrogation. "Of course I want to marry you Noah. What is this all about?"

"Then tell me that this is a joke, tell me that it's the angle of the camera." She hadn't noticed that he had been holding his cell phone until it was shoved at her. Glancing down, hazel eyes paled in realization.

"No…Noah…" She stuttered, looking back at him in a hurry. He had taken a step back distancing himself from her. He looked disgusted.

"Tell me it's a joke." He repeated; more force in his words this time.

"I…I…" Rachel stuttered again, what could she say to comfort her fiancé when the proof of her infidelity was staring them in the face?

She watched as Noah closed his eyes, breathing deeply. Noah Puckerman had created a shield when they were only teenagers, in the form of Puck. Never show emotion, never show weakness, never get hurt.

Rachel Berry had been the first and only person, outside his mother and sister to see Noah.

And she would be the one to break him.

He wanted to hit something, he wanted to break something. He opened his eyes again, the image of his Rachel making out with another guy in the middle of a crowded Manhattan street, in the middle of the day, burned into his memory.

He had been staring at the image since a friend had sent him the picture message, with the attached text I thought you should know.

He had spent hours staring at it, trying to think of a logical, sensible explanation for it; one that didn't involve Rachel cheating on him.

He couldn't.

"Please, Noah..."

Unable to control himself, he picked up the first thing he could reach; the empty glass Rachel had pulled out of the cabinet when she first got home and flung it at the wall.

Rachel flinched as the shards of glass fell to the floor.

"It wasn't, I can..." Rachel's voice wavered as she tried to explain away the photo.

"I don't want to hear your pathetic excuses." His voice was harsh and unforgiving. "Do you remember right when we first got together? You were so insecure that I would get tired of you, that I would go back to sleeping around, that I would leave you?"

Rachel's eyes were quickly filling with tears that she refused to let fall. She wasn't the victim this time; she had actually been the one to hurt someone else. She nodded.

"When you're alone in our bed, remember you're the one that made me leave. That it was you screwed this up."

"Please don't leave, Noah." The first full sentence she had been able to form, it came out as a strangled whisper.

He ignored her, grabbing the duffel bag he had thrown together earlier off the couch.

She beat him to the front door, her petite frame blocking his exit. "Move, Rachel." He growled. She didn't budge.

"You haven't let me speak." The words were coming easier now that she was threatened with the reality that Noah was leaving. She put her palms on his chest, hoping that her gentle touch would calm him down somehow. "It's the middle of the night Noah, you can't go anywhere like this. Not now."

"If you're going to say that it wasn't what it looked like; that's a lie, and we both know it." He glared down at her. "I can't get that fucking photo out of my head. I've stared at it, trying to find another explanation for it. There is none. Now move."

Rachel shook her head again. She was stubborn, and she wasn't going to let him just walk out of them that easily.

Noah was stronger though. He didn't want to physically hurt her, but it was easy to lift her out of the way.

"Noah..." Rachel cried out again, falling to the floor as the wood door slammed shut.

#

Throwing a couple of green bills towards the driver, Puck climbed out of the taxi. He hadn't known what he was going to do when he stormed out of the apartment, he had been too busy thinking of other things; but it hadn't taken him long to decide.

There was no effing way he was staying in the city, not when he had spent the last six years here starting his life with Rachel. He didn't really want to go back to Ohio, back to Lima; but right now there was no other choice.

Anyway, he'd only be there long enough to work out what he was going to do next.

#

Rachel didn't fall into bed until after the sun had broken over the New York skyline. After making sure that every glass fragment had been cleaned up, she had taken refuge on the couch, waiting and hoping that Noah would walk back through the door at any second.

Hoping that she hadn't completely screwed up their relationship.

She fell into bed, saturating her pillows as the tears continued to fall; the smell of Noah clinging to the sheets.

She had called into work sick; with a stuffed up nose and hoarse throat from crying all night she had sounded convincing. She sat on the couch all day, wrapped up in her robe, staring listlessly at the ring that still adorned her left ring finger.

She wasn't going to take it off, because taking it off meant that they were over. She wasn't going to accept that.

When her cell phone rang she had almost ignored it, except for the miniscule possibility that it was Noah. It was a Puckerman, but it was Noah's sister Rebecca.

"I can't really talk at the moment Bec." Rachel tried to sound okay as she answered the phone.

"What the hell happened between you two?" Rebecca hissed. "Noah just showed up at the front door, didn't say two words to me or mom and then locked himself in his bedroom."

"He's in Lima?" She figured that was the last place he would want to be.

"He's twenty six Rachel. He's not meant to show up and act like a moody teenager."

"It's nothing Bec, we...we had an argument. Listen; don't tell him you called me okay. I'll be there as soon as I can."

#

He hated his childhood bedroom. He wasn't Noah in here, he was Puck. He was the reckless teenager who impregnated his best friend's girlfriend, he was the boy who slept his way through the female population of Lima, he was the boy who had slushied Rachel every day.

"Noah?" He heard his mother through the door; she had been standing outside the locked door for the last five minutes trying to work out if she should say something. "Noah, honey, do you want to talk?

He scoffed, it was an involuntary action; a reflex. "No." He called back simply. "Honey, you and Rachel..." She tapered off. She loved Rachel, the tiny singing diva had tamed her son, had seen him when others had turned their backs to him, had made him want to become someone of himself. She didn't want to think what had happened in New York. She didn't want to even entertain the idea that the wedding was off.

Instead, Abigail Puckerman headed back down the stairs; leaving her brooding son in peace. She glanced at her seventeen year old daughter who merely shrugged her shoulders; she had gotten absolutely nothing useful from Rachel.

#

She had grumbled handing over the credit card at the ticket counter at JFK airport; the five hundred dollars for her ticket, plus whatever Noah had charged on it was going to push the card to its limit.

And when the plane had finally made it into the air, time had stalled; making the two and a half hour flight as long and torturous as possible.

Behind her, a family of four were returning back to the Midwest state after a holiday in New York City. After twenty minutes of listening to the little boy jump up and down, blabbering about their weeklong trip she had slipped her earphones on blocking him out.

She hadn't meant to kiss Jesse St. James. She hadn't meant anything by it. It was his stupid smile, and the playful glint in his eye.

She hadn't seen him in years; not since he had returned to Lima in her junior year of high school, just after she had started seeing Noah, to help coach Vocal Adrenaline for sectionals. (She had made sure he knew who the superior team really was.)

He had kissed her first, and she couldn't think of a reason why she had returned the kiss; why she hadn't pushed him away and kicked him where it hurt. She slumped back in her seat.

Of course Noah hated her, she hated herself.

#

"You must be starving Noah." Abigail Puckerman was back at the door to her son's bedroom. "I made you a sandwich."

He didn't budge.

"I'm not going to make you talk Noah." She called out again. "I just want you to eat."

He unlocked the door, taking the plate that his mother was holding. Cold cuts sandwich and a bag of crisps.

"When you're ready to talk, I'm just downstairs." She narrowly avoided her face getting hit as the door slammed shut again.

#

If the two and a half hour flight didn't kill her, the two and a half hours that followed almost did. Speeding down the highway between Cincinnati and Lima in the rental car, her mind had played through every situation that she faced when she arrived at the Puckerman family home.

He would listen to her rationally. She choked out a bitter laugh at the best-case scenario. Noah Puckerman was not a rational man.

He would ignore her while she talked

He would yell at her. She wouldn't mind the yelling; at least it meant he hadn't shut her out.

He would kick her out

He would call off the engagement

She tried not to think about what would happen if their engagement was called off; how she would continue going on without Noah in her life. Since she was sixteen, every time she had thought about the future she had seen Noah in it. Without him it would be a miserable and bleak existence.

Her mind lingered between the last two scenarios for longer than she cared. If he kicked her out, she would either have to find a cheap hotel or she would have to go back home to her fathers.

Going back to her fathers, would mean having to admit that she and Noah were fighting, and it would end in their bitter disappointment in her lack of morals.

Turning into the familiar streets leading to the Puckerman home, Rachel turned off the radio; preferring the silence as she thought. She was going to go into the house, and she was going to beg for a second chance.

It wasn't often that Rachel Berry had to beg.

Pulling into the driveway behind Abigail's car, she cut the engine; sitting in the fading afternoon light. Climbing out of the car, she saw Abigail Puckerman emerge from the front door; a large smile on her face as she spotted Rachel.

This just made the brunette feel worse about herself; if she was smiling like that it meant that Noah hadn't told his mother or sister what had happened yet.

"Hi Abigail." Rachel forced a thin smile. "Is Noah here?"

"He locked himself in his bedroom earlier, he hasn't come out since. Rachel honey, what happened?"

"I'd rather not talk about it."

Abigail Puckerman might be a pushy woman, but even she knew better than to get right in the middle of something between her son and his fiancée; they were both temperamental, feisty people.

Taking the steps two at a time Rachel knocked confidently on the locked door.

"I don't want to talk." Noah called back, through clenched teeth. He couldn't understand why his mother and sister wouldn't just leave him alone.

"Noah," Rachel leaned a cheek against the door. "Just let me in. Please."

Nothing happened.

"I'm not leaving Noah. I'm going to sit against this door until you come out. You have to come out at some point." How would Abigail and Rebecca react if they come up the stairs to discover Rachel sprawled out in the hallway?

Thankfully, she heard the unmistakable sound of the lock click open. Pushing her way through the door she smiled at Noah who was already lying back on his bed.

"It was a mistake." Rachel lowered herself down onto the bed. "It was temporary insanity." She was whispering in case there were people listening in on the other side. "I never wanted to hurt you. I love you so much Noah."

"This isn't a problem you can fix just by apologising Rachel." Well, at least he wasn't yelling at her; or kicking her out. "This isn't the time you forgot to pay the electric bill on time, or the time you forgot the beer. You kissed another man."

Despite the fact that Noah was deadly serious, Rachel cracked a smile and a small giggle. They had spent several nights without any electricity in their apartment, a year after they'd moved together to the city because she had left the cheque sitting on the kitchen counter.

The beer hadn't been a complete accident.

At least she got him to crack a smile, even if it was for a fleeting moment; the sound of her giggle breaking through the wall.

She smiled at him softly as he frowned again; their moment over.

#

In the silence that followed, Rachel climbed off the bed and slowly walked through the room; stopping at the empty dresser to pick up a photo frame that had been left behind.

"This was a great night." She smiled again. She was going to pull him down memory lane, whether he liked it or not.

She handed over the frame, even though he already knew what the photo was. Just before Noah's graduation, when the original Glee club would be broken up; they had snuck onto the school's football field.

Rachel and Noah had been sitting on the bleachers, Rachel sitting between his legs and she had been playing with his hand while he had whispered something in her ear.

Both of them had these content smiles on their faces and they were completely oblivious to the fact that Kurt had his camera pointed at the two of them.

"It was." He agreed softly.

They fell into the silent lapse again; before Noah finally asked the question Rachel had been dreading.

"Who was it?" He looked straight up to meet her gaze, to which she shied away from.

"No...Nobody..." She shook her head, lying unconvincingly.

"Bullshit Rachel. That's fucking bullshit. Who was it?" The harsh Noah was back, and he climbed off the bed so he had the height advantage.

Rachel mumbled incoherently, telling him would undoubtedly ruin them further.

He pulled his phone off the bedside table, pulling up the incriminating evidence; thrusting it towards her. "Do you need a reminder? It was obviously someone. Who the fuck was it?"

Rachel bowed her head. "It was Jesse." She whispered.

The sound of glass smashing filled the room (again), and she didn't have to look up to know that the photo she'd picked up earlier would now being lying on the floor; its protective covering broken. Rachel jumped at the sound.

"What Rachel? Were you planning on screwing your way to getting a job?"

Her voice caught at the accusation. She had always considered integrity as an important virtue in life; she had always wanted to be recognised for her talent alone.

But somewhere deep, deep down in her desperation, before she'd come to her sense and pulled away, she had wondered how far she'd let it go. She would never admit that to anyone.

She had been disgusted in herself then, and even more so now.

"Get out." It was a calm, deadly whisper and Rachel automatically took two steps backwards. At the same time the bedroom flung open as Abigail appeared panicked, Rebecca two steps behind her.

"What's going on in here? We heard something smash."

"Get out." Noah repeated; the growl back in his voice. Rachel took another two steps back, reaching out to steady herself on the doorframe.

"Noah..." Abigail interrupted them again. "Whatever's going on between the two of you can be worked out. You and Rachel love each other..."

"Then ask her what she's doing making out with her exes in public in the middle of the day."

Rachel flung around to face the door, keeping her head bowed so she didn't have to look anyone in the eye. "I'm...I'm sorry. I'm leaving now." Then she raced as fast as she could down the stairs and out the door.

#

Noah glared at his mother, daring her to say something. Tactfully, she remained silent, pulling Rebecca behind her as she closed the door again.

He ran his fingers over his shaved head, the Mohawk a thing of the past; calming himself down again.

Grabbing his cell phone, he finally left the room; following the same path Rachel had taken as she left the house. He was getting his boys together, and then he was getting smashed.

# #

Rachel sat in the rental car again, staring at the small house nestled deep in the suburbs of Lima; the small tricycle abandoned on the lawn and the white picket fence that surrounded the property finishing the image of Midwest America.

She had crossed out the possibility of renting a hotel room; she couldn't spend a night alone with her thoughts in a cheap hotel room, where it was more than likely she'd spend the night listening to a live porno going on in the next room.

Going to her fathers' was a last resort; she couldn't handle their disappointment as well.

That left sleeping in the car, or turning to Quinn Fabray-Rutherford.

"Are you going to come in or spend the night in my driveway?" Rachel had been so wrapped up in her self-misery that she hadn't noticed Quinn emerge from the house until she was pulling the driver side door open. "You were starting to freak me out Berry." The blonde smiled warmly. "What are you doing in Ohio anyway?"

So Rachel told Quinn everything as they walked up the path to the house and as Quinn made them both a cup of tea. Quinn nodded and listened, and never passed judgement because Rachel hadn't been the first one to stuff up a relationship this way.

"Puck isn't going to hate you forever." Quinn comforted after Rachel finished. "He loves you too much to ignore you forever, just give him some time."

Rachel nodded, unsure of the optimism in Quinn's words. She hadn't seen him.

"Come on, we need to get you out of here." Quinn jumped up again. "Jack's at Matt's mothers; so I'm free for the night. We'll go get a drink and we can catch up properly."

Quinn was not going to let her friend mope around her house all night.

#

Finn eyed Puck wearily; they'd been at the bar for half an hour and he was already onto his third beer for the night.

"Dude, maybe you want to slow down, just a little." Finn advised, wondering how pissed Puck would get if he cut him off.

"She kissed that St. James douche." He grumbled. "In the middle of the day she made out with him for all of New York to see."

Finn was at a loss for words, it really didn't sound like the Rachel he knew.

"Maybe..."

"She admitted it." Puck shot him down, ordering another beer. "Don't try defending her."

#

There weren't too many places to drink in Lima, which is how Rachel and Noah ended up in the same bar; Noah at the counter and Rachel in a back booth, ushered there by Quinn before she could realise who else was in the room.

"I'll be right back." Rachel promised Quinn after her third glass of wine. "I just need the bathroom." She slipped out of her seat. She was certain that by now she would look like a complete mess, and she needed to clean herself up.

Noah looked up as the familiar scent brushed past him, as Rachel disappeared down the halls to the toilets.

Pushing back his beer, (fourth, fifth? He'd lost count), he took off after her; not saying a single word to Finn.

Grabbing her arm before she could disappear into the ladies, he pushed her up against a wall.

"Wh...What..." She panicked before realisation set in.

"I loved you Rachel." With both hands on either side of her body, he trapped her. He pushed himself up against her so there was no space between them. "I love you Rachel."

"So do I, Noah I love you so much."

"Then why did you have to screw this up?"

Rachel shook her head; she still had no answer for that.

"Did he have something that I don't? Did he make you feel something that I can't?"

Rachel shook her head again. Taking advantage of their positions, she reached up to kiss him. She needed that contact; she needed it to prove something to him.

He pulled away.

"Noah, please, I'll do anything. Anything." She reached up to kiss him again, snaking her arms around his neck so he couldn't break away again. She tried to ignore the overwhelming stench of beer on his breath.

"No one is ever going to love you like I do." He growled, pushing her back into the wall as he delivered a bruising kiss; biting down on her lower lip. "No one is ever going to understand you like I do."

Rachel nodded, silently agreeing with him.

"No one else is ever going to put up with your crazy shit Rachel."

"No one," She echoed, moaning as he kissed her again, grinding himself into her.

((XX))

I'm going to leave it there for now I think. Nothing is fixed between them yet, and I'm thinking of making this a two or three part fic.

Thoughts?