Fearless Is Just A Word

A Maximum Ride Oneshot

Summary: You've always been "fearless". But he's always been right there by your side, and you never knew you needed him until now.

Note: Second-person."You" refers to Max.

-xoxo-

Your feet pound noisily against the floor of the makeshift hallways, your lungs bursting as you gasp for air. You should be used to it. This has been going on for almost as long as you can remember. You know what will happen if you stop.

The floor feels like fire under your toes, and you would know. You can see the end of the maze, a few yards away. But you feel like it's a thousand. This time, you want to fall. You want to give up, even though you never have before now.

You're not afraid of death, even at seven years old. It's always been a threat. And slowly, you start to fall, your eyes closing. But like a shooting star, a picture flashes across your brain. A lump rises in your throat. The flock. They've always been there for you.

And you make a snap decision, your arms catching you before you hit the ground. The floor burns your hands, and you wince, climbing to your feet and ignoring the pain as you run faster, breaking out of the maze.

No water is brought to you as you hear the quiet chatter of the whitecoats. You lay still on the floor, hearing the exclamations and every note they're making, noticing when they cast you sideways glances. How you might look at a bug that must be squashed immediately.

The alarm goes off again as someone else finishes the maze. You should look up, but you can't move. And suddenly, you feel a hand on your head, stroking your hair gently. Looking up, you see that it's Fang, looking just as horrible as you do, with enough burns and scars to last a lifetime.

But he looks into your eyes like he always does, and it calms you. It makes you feel safe, even in a place like the School. It's his way of telling you that everything will work itself out in the end. So you sit up with him, and lean against the wall until he falls asleep from exhaustion. But just his presence is all it takes for you to take a deep breath, and live another day.

-xoxo-

The door to your cell creaks open, and even though you were asleep, your eyelids flutter open to see one of the whitecoats entering. A rush of fear floods through your body. Sometimes, certain mutants are taken during the night, and don't return.

As he gets closer, you recognize him. You've seen him around. He's usually nice to you and the flock. Once or twice, he's taken you into his office after a test, making you a hot chocolate with marshmallows, because he knows it's your favorite.

Maybe he's the one that's been taking the creatures during the night, you think, horrified. In that case, he can't be trusted. So you close your eyes again and slump against the back of the cage, feigning sleep.

Nevertheless, he unlocks the door to your crate, and reaches in to pull you out. But before he has a chance, you kick him hard in the nose, with all the strength you can muster. He pulls out of the cage, bashing his head against the top for good measure.

You inspect him curiously. Even as the blood streams down his face and onto his white coat, you don't see fury in his eyes, or even surprise at the fact that a ten year old just kicked him in the face. And he reaches back into the cage, grabbing your arm this time and pulling you out.

Your wild cry wakes up the rest of the flock as your hand is ripped from Fang's, the only thing that gives you comfort anymore. But he clamps a hand over your mouth and practically begs you to quiet down, and tells you that his name is Jeb Bachelder, and that he's here to help.

There's no way of knowing that he's telling the truth. As he unlocks the cages of the rest of the flock, and you all sneak out into the dead of night, you realize that you could fly away right now, and no one would be able to stop you.

But Fang squeezes your hand, and with his silent eyes, he convinces you to stay, and that everything will be alright. Once again, you believe him without hesitation, and follow him to a better life.

-xoxo-

The E-shaped house is okay. Perfect, actually. It's a home, a real one, just like you've always wanted. There's a TV and a sofa and video games, a kitchen and a fridge and real food. Your family is happy, so you must be happy. But you aren't, because you know that something just has to go wrong.

Nudge and Angel are playing, pretending that they're explorers, when the only thing they're exploring is the underside of the bed. You know that for Angel, the game is just to please Nudge, but she does it anyway.

You walk into the kitchen to find Gazzy stirring a large bowl of something that smells delicious as Iggy listens intently to a cooking show. Lately, it's been sort of a hobby for him, because the most extravagant thing 'Jeb' can make is scrambled eggs.

You still don't trust him, even though he's saved you and given you the life that you never had. You wish that you could trust him. But you know that this isn't really real, that it'll disappear, and you'll be back at the School before you know it.

Walking out the front door and jumping off the ledge, your wings unfurl quickly and with the grace that never ceases to amaze you. Whenever you do this, you feel free. Nothing can touch you when you're like this, and your worries can float away.

You know your destination before you realize it, and you find yourself on the rocky side of the mountain, perched on a ledge. It's been 'your' private spot for about two weeks now, ever since Jeb brought you here. From here, you can see the whole forest.

And you don't even realize you're crying until you feel the tears sliding down your chin. You're afraid, and not for the first time. You like to pretend that you never get scared, but out here, you can't hide it from yourself. You're scared of not knowing what's going to happen.

Lean arms wrap themselves around your hunched shoulders, and you know that it's Fang again. He's the only one that's seen you cry, rather than grit your teeth and bear it. He's seen your weaknesses. He knows your biggest secrets. And you wouldn't change that for the world.

You lean your head on his shoulder until you've stopped crying. And even then, he won't let go of you. You don't know how long he sits there with you. But when the sun sets, and he finally leaves, he takes you with him, an unreadable expression in his dark eyes.

-xoxo-

Years pass. Happy years. There are good times, all routine. To those on the outside, it would seem boring, living the same life every day. But to you, they're the best years of your life. Every day, you're with the people who matter most to you. Jeb is the dad, the flock is your family, and you're the leader of it all.

So far, the School hasn't found out about what he's done. And if they have, they haven't said anything to him. Life is good.

So when you wake up in the morning, your thoughts aren't important. It's just another day, after all. You wonder what's for breakfast, who you'll spend the day with, or if Gazzy will beat you in video games tonight.

Five minute later, your life is in pieces, and you don't know why, or what you did wrong, or if this was somehow all your fault. Jeb is gone, and no one can find him.

He's always there in the mornings. He knows better than to leave you all alone. He always tells you when he's going to be gone. And he was the one that taught you to always assume the worst in a desperate situation.

You tear the house apart, the rest of the flock at your heels. You check the bathrooms, the closets, and a two-mile radius around the house. You're not even thinking of the possibility of him being gone, because he just can't be gone. He's your father, your world.

But when you can't find him anywhere, you can't believe it, you have to face reality. Jeb is gone. And when the hours turn into days, and the days turn into weeks, which turn into months, it's time to give up waiting for him to come back. At thirteen, you have to be a real leader this time, stepping up to the plate for the flock.

Can you do it? You wonder that day after day. And you don't notice, but Fang's crumbling, watching you tear yourself apart. So one day, when you're in your room for the fifth day on end, the door opens, and he enters, his face hard. But you're in no mood to see him. You're so overwhelmed.

You try to push him out, but he just won't leave. He won't take no for an answer. And it's not because he's sick of you. Not because he thinks you're being a constant downer for the flock. It's because he loves you, and he wants you to be happy again.

And he catches you in a hug. Before long, you melt into it, because even though you're only thirteen, you're so in love with him that it hurts sometimes. You listen to him, once again, telling you that things will be okay, and he presses a kiss to your forehead, a kiss which should have confused the living daylights out of you, but it didn't.

Because you know that he's right, just like he always has been. And maybe, just maybe, he feels the same way for you.

-xoxo-

It isn't long after that when things start to fall apart. You had known that things wouldn't last forever. But slowly, things are changing, and it doesn't make you happy to say 'I told you so'.

You almost die when Angel is kidnapped. She's your baby, someone you'd looked after since she was born, practically. But you don't let the flock see that, for their sakes. You have to make sure they aren't worried.

And you leave on an adventure that you'll remember for a lifetime. You make friends, meet your mother -you never knew you had one!-, and see things you'll never forget. You leave your home once and for all, and you rescue Angel.

But you can also see the flock suffering. They're homeless. They're sad, and more worn-out than you've ever seen them. But Fang keeps you going, forgetting about his own problems and focusing on you.

Life isn't perfect. But you keep on flying.

-xoxo-

You know from experience that your life can change in an instant, heck, you probably know that better than anyone. But when Ari attacked Fang on the beach, you felt like it was you being ripped apart, like it was your blood staining the sand.

If he really is going to die, you know you can't save him. But there were so many things you never got to tell him. He was your best friend, your right-wing man. You've watched him grow up. You've seen him at his worst, and at his best. So if he's dying...

You forget that the entire flock is watching you. You forget that they'll know everything you've ever felt for Fang. All that matters is that you love him, and you know that now.

Leaning down, you place a single kiss on his lips. It lasts a single second, but you can still feel a rush of electricity as your lips meet and then part.

His eyes sparkle with confusion.

And you can't believe it took you this long.

-xoxo-

Suddenly, things become much more complicated than they'd ever been. Now he's not just Fang the friend, but he's someone you see in a way that makes you want to kiss him, hug him, or grab him and never let him go.

There's tension in the air, and you both know it. And now, things are about to get interesting.

Everything is a mix of hurt and confusion. It stabs you like a knife to see him kissing Lissa. He knows in his heart that he only kissed her because he was thinking of you, and thought that for once, you weren't running away.

When you kiss Sam, you're thinking of Lissa, and how he hurt you in ever possible way. This is easier. It's better for everyone if you don't think of Fang that way. But you don't see how it kills him, watching you and Sam.

You feel like your heart's ripping in half when he announces that you're splitting up. He takes half the flock, and leaves you with the others. But what hurts the most is that he wouldn't trust you enough to just take care of things with Ari.

The worst days of your life are those days when he isn't with you. It's like you aren't even alive. You miss him so much that you feel like dying would end the pain. But you know that it wouldn't. The only cure for missing Fang is...Fang.

You don't care if you're too different, or if he's too silent, or if saving the world is supposed to be your first priority. Whether anyone else liked it or not, you were meant to be together.

When he finally comes back, you don't care for pride anymore. You don't care if the flock sees your vulnerabilities or your weaknesses. Because the truth is, you're always happiest, and at your best, when you have Fang with you.

And you can only pray that he'll never leave you again.

-xoxo-

The complications continue and life goes on. It seems like the flock is always on the run, or on some psychopathic mission to save the world. And it seems like you and Fang are always growing apart.

Brigid interferes countless times, and you can feel a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach every time he looks at her, or every time she smiles at him. You always see him walking with her. This is the same jealousy you always felt for Lissa. Things haven't changed.

The flock starts to notice the tension between you and Fang. They think you're together, but you only ever kiss a few times, and you aren't sure what you are to him, even though he's made it clear that he's "chosen" you.

They don't see that you think that Fang is the one you could spend your life with, or that it's never been about your happiness. You should be able to have this one little thing for yourself, but you can't, because they expect you to be a superhero all the time. You're not.

Right now, you're scared, because Fang isn't around enough to tell you that everything will be alright, just like he used to. You realize that you're not only happy when you're with him - you're fearless. And now you don't even have the strength to be who you used to.

So now you have to get through things on your own. You have to be strong for the flock, and even Dylan. Now that Fang isn't there to protect you, you're lost. But you'll keep going. Just like he taught you. You miss the old Fang so much.

-xoxo-

How? How could such a beautiful, perfect day, when all was right for the world, and when you were just starting to believe in yourself again - how could that day turn into this?

You're still in the dress, the one you wore for Total's wedding not yet an hour ago. Your hair is up, and your eyes were sparkling. But now they're lifeless as the world comes crashing down around you, and all you can feel is pain.

The single letter is clasped tightly in your hands. And you wish it wasn't true. You're willing it not to be true. But you can tell that it is. Fang never lied to you, not before. He's gone, really gone this time. And he won't be coming back.

The flock is behind you, and they're just as shocked as you are. But you can feel that small part of them that wants Fang to be gone, that's glad that you can finally go back to being their 'fearless' leader again. But what they don't understand is that you can't be fearless without Fang.

You bite your lip and refuse to cry. You're silent as the grave, but you won't let this overcome you. You will try to be that person again. But how can you go back to the way you were, when a part of you is missing?

-xoxo-

The days are long. Sometimes you can barely pick yourself up, because everything reminds you of him. When there's a silence, you remember the way he always was. You refuse to wear black, or even look at the color. And the nights are even worse.

In your dreams, he's always there when you get to the house, and you catch him trying to leave. At first, he's guilty. Sometimes you hug him. Sometimes you yell at him. Most of the time you end up punching him in the face.

But he always does something you wouldn't expect - he takes your hands in his, and promises never to leave you again. He kisses you tenderly, just like he did before. And in your dream, you're happy, for once.

And when you wake up, the dream fades. You remember where you really are, and the reality you live in. You wake up sobbing, sometimes screaming. And that's when the flock sees what you've really become.

For months, Iggy becomes your new comfort. He's the one who's there when you wake up sobbing, always stroking your hair, or calming you down. You sob into the front of his shirt endlessly, hoping it will make the pain go away. It doesn't.

It continues, and life goes on in the same way. You wish that Fang could come back. You want him to know that you miss him so damn much. But he doesn't come back, and you doubt that he even cares about you anymore. He's probably forgotten what you look like. To him, you couldn't have meant much.

You wonder if you'd ever have the will to kill yourself. You stare over the cliff side on some days, imagining what it would be like to fall without unfurling your wings. But you know that you could never do it. Even now, broken and hopeless, you could never kill yourself.

So you continue to live. But if Fang wasn't there, was it really living?

-xoxo-

It's been six months since that fateful day. And nothing has changed. Nothing ever changed. You want to forget about Fang, you want to go back to when you were happy. But wanting to forget sparks so many dusty memories, and you cry even harder.

There isn't a way to forget.

-xoxo-

You have the dream again, just like you do every night. Once again, Fang is in your arms, loving you as much as he can. And once again, he's ripped away from you when you wake up. You're alone, and in a dark room.

And you roll over, expecting Iggy to be laying beside you, stroking your hair gently. But he isn't. Tonight, he's gone. You cry silently, waiting for him to come. You sit up all night, until you feel the morning sun on your shoulders.

He's given up on you. He thinks it's the best thing for you, and if you just start to face it and forget about Fang, you'll have a better life. He wants you to be happy. You know you're scaring him.

Little does he know that you're giving up on yourself.

-xoxo-

After that, things are different. You're not feeling any better, not yet. But you put on an act, at least to comfort the flock. Suddenly, you're whisked into your pretend world, where you can be happy, funny, and smart, just like you were before. But it isn't real.

You're cooking, cleaning, and looking after the flock. You go shopping with Nudge and Ella, and help Angel with Total and Akila's puppies. You spend time with your Mom, and talk with her about stupid things, like any teenager. You scold Gazzy for making bombs. And Iggy is happy.

There's a point in time in which you don't have to pretend to smile, it's real. You laugh a normal laugh, and you think you're forgetting him. One night, you unfold his letter, and read it all the way through without crying. Then, you cry not because you're sad, but because you know in your heart that you're not.

You've worked hard to get to where you are - feeling almost good, almost normal. You want to forget.

But more than that, you want to know why you feel so hollow inside.

-xoxo-

One night, you feel a breeze drift through your window. You're wrapped up in your blanket and wracking your brain, because you can't figure out why you haven't had the dream tonight, for the first time in over six months.

You give up and push the blanket away, and slip on some jeans and an overlong T-shirt. And you walk up to the window and pull yourself, out, just like you used to, and slip into the night.

It's a clear night. The stars are out, and there seem to be a million of them. The wind whispers through the trees as the locusts chirp walk down the dirt road silently, enjoying how peaceful and serene it is.

You reflect back on the past years. It's never been easy for you. Everyone just assumed that it came so naturally to you, doing the job you struggled with every day. And you come to a very important realization: it doesn't matter what anyone else expects of you. The only thing that matters is what you want with your life.

You close your eyes. If you could have one thing in the world, it would be Fang. You want him right here with you, right now.

When you open them again, you can see a figure at the end of the road. Whoever it is looks incredibly familiar, despite the darkness. And your heart leaps as you realize that you have seen him before, and he turns and looks at you.

It's him. He looks older, and taller. His muscles are more defined, his hair sweeping into that face that you know so well. He may be different, but it's him. And you should be furious. You should be running to him, and asking him every question that's on your mind. But you don't. Because he's running to you.

You crash into him, and you can't speak. Tears are flowing from your eyes, and you can't tell if the tears that run down your face are yours or his. His arms tighten around you, protecting you from everything in the world, just like they used to.

You feel a century's worth of emotions flooding your embrace, shattering your heart. You don't need words, and besides, they're failing you. You don't care about the last year. He's come home to you, answering your only wish.

And for the first time since he left, you feel a certainty building inside you, that old familiar feeling. Fearless. You can feel everything inside him as he leans down to capture your lips in a kiss that melts your heart just like before. You aren't lost anymore. You're home.

He's the only thing you've ever chosen for yourself. And you plan on keeping him around for years to come. You love him more than anything else in the world. And you don't need to know his reasons for leaving. All that matters is that he's back where he belongs, in your arms.

As you walk back to the house, hand-in-hand, you realize something that took you eight years to figure out. "Fearless" is just a word.

Thanks for reading! I really thought I'd make a point of how everybody thinks Max is "fearless". Nobody's fearless. You always need someone standing behind you. Max has Fang. She's strong, but the human part of her has feelings, too. One of my favorite quotes: "Courage doesn't mean being fearless. Courage means being scared to death and still having the guts to go out there and save the day."

Please tell me what you think by leaving a review. First story with no spoken words. :)

~Rachel