Author notes: First fanfic! Yay! Though looking back now in the beginning the writing seems a bit clunky at times, it get's better after awhile though. Sort of.

Anyways, this is just an idea I had while playing Mass Effect 2. There I was, being irritated by Garrus' lack of dialogue options and I couldn't help but wonder: What would the real, not-limited-by-programming Femshep do? Well obviously not this. Written for (hopefully) humorous purposes only kids!

This is starting off as a oneshot but ideas for a second part swirled around my mind while writing this (including, quite possibly, one of the most awesome puns in the world). If this doesn't turn out a literary trainwreck, it may very well come into being!

All the usual disclaimer crap, Bioware owns Mass Effect, yadayadayada... I'll stop waffling now and let you start reading :)

He's just not that into you

"Can it wait for a bit? I'm in the middle of some calibrations."

Shepard soughed as she walked away from the main battery, smearing off the red lipstick which she bought off of the citadel especially with the back of her hand. She didn't know whether Garrus was merely being very dense or just plain taking the piss, why did she let Tali and Kelly talk her into this stupid idea in the first place? She didn't know, maybe she was just feeling irritable after being rejected after a whole string of hints: Hell, she'd given her Turian friend a whole damn rope of suggestive comments and he was yet to give her anything back.

"Maybe I'll go and talk to Jacob," She thought to herself sarcastically "Being spoken to as though I'm a bit of meat in a shop is looking better and better each time I'm blown off for a damn computer."

"I'm guessing by the disarray that your lipstick is in things went according to plan?" She heard a familiar voice call at her from the mess area.

"No Tali, it did not." She sighed, slumping herself the chair next to her two friends already sitting at the table. Like Garrus, Tali had been with her during her investigation against Saren and was naturally her best friend and main confidante on the crew. On the other hand, her yeoman Kelly Chambers had used a combination of skills she'd learned doing a psychology degree, gentle hints and just being plain nosy to suss things out for herself. The pair had formed a team far more intimidating than a whole army of reapers, a team with only one goal in mind: Force Garrus in some way or another to submit to Shepard s feminine wiles.

"This is bullshit!" Shepard spat. "The other day I went into his room and he starts telling me about this Turian girl he once managed to bang back in his military days, something to do with 'reach' and 'flexibility'. And I was like, "he isn't going on about calibrations; yes Shepard, you're in!", so I said we could have a little tiebreaker of our own, test eachothers reach/flexibility, ifyaknowwhatImean. You know what he does? He starts giving me this speech on sparring. Sparring!"

She buried her head in her hands in frustration.

"Shepard, if you feel that way, maybe you ought to just come out and say how you feel to him. Honestly." Tali responded as she reached to hold her friends arm.

"No!" Kelly cried a little too suddenly, Shepard couldn't help but notice the scary glimmer which appeared in her eyes. "That's not how it's supposed to work! It's like in highschool, Garrus is the adorable, shy computer nerd and Shepard is the hot cheerleader. She secretly has feelings for him but is too nervous to admit it; he also has feelings for her but won't say anything, because he's a nerd and she's a cheerleader, I mean, there's no way in hell he thinks he has a shot! After many awkward moments between them, snap!" She snapped her fingers "The penny drops and he rushes off to find her crying on a balcony under the moon. They kiss and live happily ever after. The end."

Shepard could only stare.

"Kelly... I think you've been maybe thinking about this too much."

"I just want to see my friends happy, is that really such an insane notion to you?"

"So long as you're putting it that way, Yes. Yes it is."

"Whatever." Her expression brightened up considerably all of a sudden, the doom glimmer reappearing. "You know what we need to get us over all man crap we've had to deal with? A girlie night in!"

Shepard eyed her sceptically.

"This isn't going to be like the time you gave me a makeover is it?"

"I don't know Kelly," Tali said, rejoining the conversation "I'm feeling kind of tired; I've only just gotten over a fever, my omni-tool is still acting like a little bosh'tet all and on top of that the engine's gone ahead and gotten clogged up with dirt again. I really wish that Joker would stop messing about with the throttle to pass time when we're docked."

"And what if I were to say that I also happen to know a certain Quarian named Kal hasn't been emailing back quite as often as you'd like?"

"I would say I also happen to know that a nosy little human girl has been rummaging through my private emails again!"

Kelly's facial expression at this remark reminded Shepard of a Pyjack which has just realised it's been caught in scope.

"I was only trying to help Tali, please don't leave me to watch the vid alone. It's alright for you two; I know Garrus cares for you underneath it all, even if he won't say it. And Tali, Kal is probably just busy, you said yourself that working for the migrant fleet can be demanding at times. But me? I have nobody. Of course, I'm honoured to be able to work for Cerberus and alongside Shepard, but still, it just gets so lonely at times... "

"I suppose I could make the time." Tali mumbled; Kelly could be pushy up to the point of being plain irritating, but if she d known she felt that way...

"Fine. My cabin at 20 00 hours?" Shepard suggested as the guilt finally got the better of her.

Kelly grinned. "Excellent! The vid I downloaded off of the extranet is an early 21st century romantic comedy called 'He's just not that into you', appropriate for the situation I think. I'll bring the wine!"

Shepard groaned inwardly, she should have known that Kelly was playing them. But maybe she was right: since she was resurrected how much time had she taken out for herself exactly? She didn't want to become some work-obsessed little Cerberus lapdog like Miranda after all.

"Besides, I might even have fun." She assured herself as she walked back to the lift "What's the worst than can happen in any case?"

"I can't believe it..." Shepard slurred as she cracked open her third Budweiser "I can't believe how damn much that Jared guy sounded just like Garrus!"

Together they had drunk several bottles of wine (one for Kelly and Shepard, another dextro amino for Tali) and had since been out raiding the Normandy for more alcohol. Between them they had found Chakwas serrice ice brandy supply, a special Quarian desert wine in the kitchens fridge, some pure ethanol from Mordin's laboratory and about half-a-dozen of Zaeed's vintage beers.

"I think hic- Sorry, I think that we had a special term for that in psychology."

"Oh yeah, what was it then little miss psychology-degree-off-of-the-extranet?"

"Wishful thinking." Kelly retorted, collapsing into a fit of drunken giggles; although Shepard couldn't help but notice how her cheeks had reddened slightly just before she said it.

Tali on the other hand, had suddenly gone very quiet...

"You know what?" Shepard declared as she stumbled up onto her bed "That film taught me two things; One, if he'd rather calibrate weapons than make filthy metaphors with you, he's just not that into you."

"Two! It looks like a shitload of fun to act like a superbitch to guys who aren't that into you!"

"It sounds like you have a plan there Shepard!" Kelly cried, trying to raising her glass, but miserably failing.

"That I do!" Shepard grinned to herself mischievously; she d tell Garrus how she felt alright...

"Do you mind if I miss this one?" Tali squeaked "Pure ethanol... never again... need to lie down... Keelah Se'lai..."

Garrus did not expect the smell when he opened the door to the main battery. What in Palaven's name was it? A sweet, putrid smell which forced its way into his nostrils, overpowering him and making him feel ill. It smelt familiar, like one of the private rooms at Afterlife, but worse-

Oh no.

His computer had been subject to a vandal attack. Confetti had been thrown all over the room, a strange translucent white veil had been haphazardly thrown on his computer but left to trail on the floor, red lipstick had been messily smeared all over the screens, whether or not the squiggles were meant to signify something it was hard to tell. As a final finishing touch whoever had been there had put a white lacy garter around the main control stick and pinned a note to it where the bow on the ribbon should have been. Whoever's writing it was it was hard to tell, clearly the work of someone too drunk to have a steady control of their hand. He turned to ask EDI what had happened exactly but found that the AI had been unplugged by the culprits. Reluctantly, he plucked the note off of the dashboard and began to decipher it. It took him several minutes to manage it but when he did realization sank into him like a heavy stone.

If you love your calibrations so much, why don't you just goddamn marry them? Shepard.