Espérons Inutile

A Mortal Instruments Fanfic

Disclaimer: I don't own Mortal Instruments. Any familiar names, places, etc. are property of Cassandra Clare.

Chapter 14: Nous descendons, mon amour

Alec woke up as soon as the sun brushed over his eyelids. Well, he was awake in a sense, but he refused to move his body or even open his eyes, for fear of what would remain.

The cold, oceanic breeze that blew through the air reminded Alec of somewhere else he had been. It brought back a vivid memory of green mountains surrounded by a grey sea. It might have been a picture he'd seen in a book, but he'd never been there. Somehow the idea of a beautiful place that was out there, but that he hadn't seen made him feel oddly happy.

Because every place he'd ever known held real memories of pain, loss, and heartbreak of the worst kind.

And so he finally woke when he realized that the salt water on his face was not from the ocean spray, but from all those memories that Alec didn't want to keep anymore.

Alec opened his eyes. He was lying on the deck of the boat, fully clothed, and yet completely frozen. Slowly sitting up, Alec winced in pain. It was a familiar pain that he knew how to get through, but tears were still falling uncontrollably. Alec let a fe soft curse words leave his lips as he wrapped his arms around his knees.

Leaving the pain aside for a moment, there was another terrible hurt that Alec had to deal with. Why had this happened? Was this karma coming back to bite him in the ass for every terrible thing he'd done since he came to Sydney? Well, maybe this was the kind of pain he caused Haal and Miguel. Because for every time his heart beat last night, there was a lifetime's worth of pain to follow in it's wake. It left him with an oddly hollow pain, which hurt all the more, because every cry of pain would bounce right back at him.

If this really happened because I came to Australia, thought Alec, then there are other people I can blame for this.

If Alec was willing to move away from the terrible feelings Celior had left him with, he would still be left with another type of hurt.

Only one image was needed to cause Alec to cry harder, and was the one he kept seeing of Magnus in bed with another man. In a sick way, he was glad to know the truth about why Magnus had left him. It wasn't simply that Magnus would rather have nothing than have Alec; it was that there was someone else who could entertain him in ways Alec could not. If Alec had known that while he was still in New York, he might not have gone to Australia.

He would've gone to hell.

Alec struggled to regain his breath and stop crying. He still wasn't the type of person that cried easily, and he didn't like it when he did cry. He thought back to the last time he had felt this low; when Magnus had left him. And although it hurt to think about, there was comfort to be found in the memories of when he had gone home that day. He saw his parents, letting him cry and be upset, knowing they had been right about Magnus all along, but still there for Alec. He saw Jace, who was ready to murder Magnus. He saw Isabelle, who was even more comforting than his parents and even more bloodthirsty than Jace. For every bad memory, there had to be a good one. That had to be true, for Alec's sake.

Once the tears had stopped falling, Alec stood up, leaning on the side of the boat for support. He stared around at the oddly quiet Sydney harbour. There was very little life, as far as he could tell. The grey clouds above made it hard for Alec to tell the time, but there was a certain brightness to the sky that made him think it was morning.

See? Light behind the darkness, Alec thought wryly. He chuckled as he then thought, ironically, how it would be nice to see Haal right about now. Haal would be clueless, but just that Alec was hurting would be enough for him to go into comfort mode and bring out the vanilla milk.

He placed his hands on the boat, leaning forward. While he could hold his hurt away temporarily, he couldn't keep out the confusion. How had life gotten to this? Alec shook his head. He was asking the wrong questions.

I just have to believe that nothing I did caused Celior to…

Alec swallowed. "Nothing I did caused Celior t-to… hurt me."

His voice sounded hurt and broken, but when he said the words aloud, he knew there was a grain of truth to them.

So if Alec hadn't done anything, what had caused Celior's actions? First Alec had had the dream about Celior that had led to him being stranded in the middle of the desert. Now this. Why was this warlock out for Alec.

And then more of Celior's words from the previos night began to come back to him.

"You don't know how long I've been searching for you."

"You knew your destiny."

"Only you, ягодка."

The cold, chilling voice, caused Alec to shake with pain and fear, but he was still left very confused. To put a lot of very confusing thoughts simply: what the hell did Celior mean?

Alec wrapped his arms around himself again. A horrible thought was taking over him, and that was that he was going to have to tell someone about what had happened. It was a frightening thought, and Alec didn't think he could do it. Ignoring the fact that he couldn't think of someone who would just listen to him, Alec didn't believe he had the strength in him to really say it out loud. There was no way-

"ALEC!"

He froze. He knew that voice. And that voice should not be here. Not on his boat.

"ALEC!"

The sound of frantic footsteps could be heard now, and Alec turned to look at the docks. He took a deep breath as the footsteps drew closer, holding his arms tighter against himself. It was the only defense he had.

"ALEC, DAMNIT! WHERE ARE YOU?"

At first Magnus simply ran past Alec's boat, sprinting to the end of the dock before realizing that Alec was not on it. He spun around, starting to run in the other direction, when he looked Alec's way. Stopping abruptly, Magnus stumbled a little before regaining his composure and staring at Alec.

"I…" It almost hurt Alec to know that Magnus wanted to say so much to him, but the look in Magnus' eyes told him that he knew everything. Or just that he was too late. There was so much for both of them to say, but they just couldn't.

Magnus walked down the jetty and stepped lithely into the boat. He was dressed in jeans and a thick black coat, leaving his tanned chest visible. And his chest rose rapidly as he tried to slow his breath after running so hard. Alec looked down, away from those beautiful eyes, and saw that Magnus was barefoot. When Alec looked back up, Magnus was right in front of him.

Those eyes pinned him down for a few moments, and then Magnus spoke.

"Are you okay?"

Alec didn't really have to think about it.

"No."

And Magnus had the slap coming. He shut his eyes briefly, then looked Alec in the eyes.

"What was that for?" he asked, all to calm for Alec's liking.

"For lying," Alec spat. "For cheating. For leaving me. And for taking my memories of it all, so all I remembered is that you dumped me because I wasn't good enough for you."

He felt a small bit of satisfaction when Magnus' eyes widened slightly. So there's something else he knows I should be mad at him for.

"I remember, Magnus," Alec said, breathing hard. "And I just keep seeing it – over and over again in my mind – you with that… that guy! And I don't understand. I still want to kill you. But more than anything, I just want to know why!"

Magnus had the grace to look away. He shook his head at Alec.

"Answer me, Magnus!" Alec shouted. "Tell me why-"

"I can't," Magnus said firmly to Alec's face.

"You have to," Alec said, his voice cracking with pain and frustration. "I have to know why… you… and… a-and then Celior comes along and-"

"What?" Magnus said sharply, staring Alec straight in the eyes. "Why'd you say that name?"

"I-"

"Alec!"

Alec shut his eyes tight. By the Angel, if he started crying again-

"Look at me, Alec, please." Magnus spoke so softly to him… it hurt Alec all the more. He shook his head, keeping his eyes shut tight. He couldn't look Magnus in the eyes. Hell, he couldn't even tell Magnus what had happened.

"Alec," Magnus said, as he pulled Alec into his arms. Alec fell willingly into Magnus' embrace, pressing his face against Magnus' chest. "I know that I hurt you, and I know that you're hurting now. All I can do is try to explain. I need you to let me do that, and then you have to tell me what happened to you last night. I knew something terrible was going to happen, and I'm sorry I couldn't get here soon enough. But will you just listen, please?"

Alec nodded into Magnus' neck, temporarily sedated by the warm of Magnus' arms.

"I met Demetri Celior about two hundred years ago. I knew he was crazy then, and I'm sure he's still crazy now. His goal was to raise Satan from the depths of hell – a notion that made me laugh at the time. But he had many followers, and I was one of many who didn't like Celior. It was a very hostile situation, and to prevent any violence, Celior stepped forward with a treaty of sorts. He and his followers swore to leave the rest of us alone, and continue on with carrying out their goal without harming any of us. That was enough to satisfy most of us for the time being."

"But I could never shake my suspicions of him. He's the type of person to linger in the background of any scene, and I couldn't just ignore him. He was like the fly that wouldn't go away. So I kept a close eye on him, and one day it paid off."

Alec shivered slightly, and Magnus just held him tighter.

"I caught him murdering a mundane. That was enough to break the treaty on its own, and I was fully prepared to report him to the others and have him become a wanted man."

"Why didn't you?" Alec murmured softly. Magnus sighed.

"To this day, I haven't any idea. I don't know why, but I could never really take him seriously. He was right there, before me, covered in the blood of a mundane, and I knew that he deserved to die, but something made me stop and listen to him. He told me the devil would remember me. I laughed. And Celior told me that, just as he had taken a life, he would spare one, if I asked him. That wasn't the only reason, but I persuaded to let him go."

"Fast forward to about six years ago. You and I were together, and you were staying the night. And… I woke up to find Celior in my apartment. He told me that after all his years of searching for the key to unlock the Devil's prison had led him to you. I basically told him to fuck off. But that wasn't enough. He approached me later to warn me that soon his followers would be led to you as well because of your affiliation with me. And I was scared."

"It hurt so much to be away from you, but if it meant keeping you safe, I thought it was worth it. So I pushed you away. But even that wasn't enough. I was woken in the middle of the night to have Celior tell me that one of his followers knew about Alec, and that had only a few days before you would be harmed. And so," Magnus said with a dark chuckle, "I made a deal with the Devil. To save your life, I had him murder that follower. But apparently that wasn't enough. He told me that keeping the rest of his followers away required a price. And sadly, I was willing to give."

Alec was no longer standing of his own accord. He rested his weight entirely against Magnus, too many emotions just pushing him down.

"That's why you slept with him."

"Yes," Magnus whispered softly.

"And that's why you left me."

Magnus simply nodded, and buried his face in Alec's hair. "I'm so sorry,"

And that's when Alec broke. He cried into Magnus' neck, needing some way to get rid of all the pain that filled his mind, heart, and soul. Nothing could extinguish his love for Magnus, and finally hearing why he'd had to try was so earth-shattering to Alec. Pieces of the puzzle were starting to click together much too quickly, and while everything was starting to make sense, it did so in a way that caused even more hurt.

And Magnus was there for him. Those solid, true words sent Alec flying, while keeping him firmly on the ground. Magnus' scent surrounded him like a warm blanket, and his arms stroked Alec's back so gently, it seemed as if Magnus was afraid of breaking him.

"I don't want you to leave," Alec forced out. "And I want to hate you for doing that."

Magnus pulled back slightly so he could put Alec's face in his hands.

"I'm glad you don't," he said simply, and that brought even more tears out.

Instead of pulling him in again, Magnus leaned down and slowly brought his lips to Alec's. And Alec was filled with an intense longing, so powerful after being hidden for so many years. That one kiss was all Alec needed to remember every reason why he loved Magnus.

-Break-

When you loved someone, it was more than just being filled with an emotion. Your entire being rested upon that one person, and you can feel it in your bones that you will die without that person. Maybe Magnus did keep away from such extremes, but it was moments like this that reminded him of why he could never lose faith in that, no matter how many years he lived.

If Alec were happy, Magnus would feed off his energy. If Alec were sad, Magus would be there to raise him back up. And when Alec was broken, like he seemed now, Magnus would find every piece of him and put it back together.

Ah, the power of reunion kisses.

That one kiss could've lasted another eight hundred years and Magnus wouldn't have realized. There was something about just having Alec back, even for these moments that truly took time away, in a way that immortality couldn't.

When they finally pulled apart, Magnus swore he could feel a million stars exploding and vanishing.

He looked into Alec's deep blue eyes. He was almost scared to find all the emotion that was hidden in those eyes…

But what was love without the fear?

"Alec," he said softly, "I know I'm ruining this moment, but it's time you told me what happened last night."

The brightness that had been in Alec's face dimmed considerably, and while it hurt Magnus to see, he knew that it had to be done.

Alec looked afraid, as if whatever he needed to say was right there, but just could not be reached. So Magnus gripped Alec's hands in his own, holding them tightly to his chest.

"It's okay," he reminded Alec. "I'll always be here to catch you if you fall."

A single tear fell from Alec's eyes as he took one deep breath.

"Celior."

He took another deep breath.

"He raped me."

And Alec fell, sobbing and broken once again. And though he was filled with intense shock and rage, Magnus was there to catch him.

AN:... the bitch is back.