A/N: I don't own anything. It's pretty sad…

O

In Which Naruto has a bad Day

Today had to be the worst day of his life.

It started out perfectly normal too.

He had been minding his own damn business, not-so-quietly mocking the villagers that still believed him to be the hellish spawn of Kyuubi, which never ceased to baffle him after he saved the day with the whole battle with Nagato/Pein shit. (Never mind that many originally died, the village was pretty much destroyed, and he almost released Kyuubi). –Psh details, details. It all pretty much worked out in the end.

Kind of.

Anyways, Sure it got to a point where their crap didn't even faze him anymore. Even when they went out into the world to spread word of their wise, kind, tree hugging ways, claiming that their Will of Fire burned like that of a thousand suns.

No, what really pissed him off and turned his day to shit was the fact that his supposedly dead "Hero" of a father decided to come back from the grave because obviously he was so stupid that he couldn't even stay dead the right way.

He freaked the fuck out when he woke up to the older male-who was supposed to be dead, dead, dead- trying to shove breakfast down his throat, all while beaming with a disturbing amount of enthusiasm.

Of course, being the rational and intelligent being that he was, he decided to do what any self-respecting shinobi would do when faced with an intruder. He hurled a bunch of sharp pointy shit at him then tried to Rasengan the bastard to death.

Key word, tried.

It was kind of hard to attack the person who made the only super awesome A-rank technique he frequently used. So he wasn't too surprised when he found himself flying through his thankfully open window due to a swift kick to his torso from said person.

Luckily, he landed on the roof of a home across the street who belonged to the ever bitchy Mrs. Kubetsu, which thankfully wasn't too far of a distance.

Unfortunately, his blood relation's brain seemed to catch up on what happened and lunged at him while making a sound that Naruto vaguely remembered hearing from Tora when the wife of the Fire Daimyō gave it the hug of death.

As if reading his mind, Minato did exactly that. Naruto silently prayed to Gods he didn't believe in as he slowly suffocated in his father's tight embrace.

Thankfully, help finally came just as he started seeing black spots in his vision.

Kakashi, who was the first to show up at his apartment due to a complaint about the noise level from one of his stuck up neighbors, mercifully rescued him…after he stared blankly at Minato for a solid five minutes.

Once the older blond realized just who was staring at him, he released Naruto from his grip of death and proceeded to do some dumb ass form of manly bonding or shit with his long lost student. Which was about the time when both Kakashi and Naruto finally realized that the fucker was mute for some reason or another.

Kakashi then tried to placate him by saying that Minato nearly hugged him to death out of…..love. Naruto shuddered. Love was for whiny ass people who were too brainless and dependent on others to know how to hold chopsticks by themselves without looking like complete idiots.

That and Naruto was pretty sure as hell that hugging someone till they practically passed out wasn't love.

It was attempted homicide.

Clearly.

Not that his bastard of a teacher believed him even after Naruto loudly and quite venomously tried to clarify.

Asshole.

Then, there was the other problem.

Sasuke.

Apparently duck-ass-for-hair-emo-king came to the conclusion that the Jolly Farm of Sound wasn't what he thought it would be. The moron got his angst filled ass the hell out of there when his wannabe pimp the Pedo-snake tried to sneak into his bed for the thirtieth time. Apparently that time the pedophile brought out the big guns, which included a variety of…toys…and a very powerful tranquilizer provided by the ever so helpful Kabuto.

This all of course, was the reason why he was sitting in the Hokage's office, shifting uncomfortably because of the intense stares from both emo-king who was to his right and his fresh out of the grave father on his left while blocking out the droning voice of Konohagakure's beloved fifth Hokage who seemed to have suddenly stopped talking.

"-ing, so do you understand why you're here now Naruto?" Said the not-so-old-looking-but-still-old hag. His answer was a blank stare.

She twitched violently then sighed and rubbed her temples, shooting a mournful look at her empty sake cup.

Narrowing her eyes, she turned toward the entrance.

"SHIZUNE! Where the hell is my damn Sake!?"

"Coming Lady Tsunade!" Came the frazzled yet muffled reply through the door. Tsunade then turned her evil she-beast gaze at him.

"They're both staying with you, you little shit!" She snapped, hand trembling as if wanting to crush something. Which also wasn't too surprising for Naruto due to her violent drunk induced episodes, which happened more often then anyone should be comfortable with. He stiffened when what she said finally sunk in.

"Hold the fuck up," He snapped, standing up abruptly, "is nobody going to explain why he," Here Naruto rudely pointed to the 4th Hokage, "is alive and kicking? And what the fuck do you mean they're staying with me?"

"Because I fucking said so brat!" She shouted, completely ignoring his previous question.

A low warning growl from his father had Tsunade looking at him calculatedly. Minato scowled at her then, for the seventh time, grabbed his hand and started stroking it lovingly. Naruto quickly snatched his hand back and snarled. The older man just cooed and shot him an adoring smile.

His lips curled in disdain.

If he hasn't said it yet, then he was going to say it now.

His father was a fucking crazy, mute, overly attached motherfucker.

Literally.

Like to that degree that could rip a wormhole through time and space due to the absurdity of it.

Sane people do not shove food down their long lost child's throat to the point of choking when said child is sleeping, nor do they kick said child out a fucking window, or hug the child near the point of brain damage due to a lack of oxygen.

So, Naruto being the kind and gentle young man he was, decided to speak words of encouragement to his beloved 'papa' just to let him know how much he appreciated him.

"Go fuck a tree," he deadpanned.

"Naruto!" Tsunade hissed, but alas her reprimand was not needed, his father only smiled at him tenderly.

"He's insane." Naruto told her, rolling his eyes.

Naruto then sat back and admired the tic that he caused the older woman to have on her upper left forehead. It was quite the marvelous sight. He briefly wondered if he could get away with a photo.

Tsunade was now breathing in deeply and he smirked at how her fingers would spasm at three-second intervals. Oh, the joy of being a nuisance to society!

"Brat," She growled, interrupting his inner musings," why don't you try spending seventeen years in the stomach of the Shinigami? Then we'll see how sane you'll turn out." She looked at the older blonde man with a pitying expression. Of course the man didn't notice because he was still gazing at Naruto with a look of longing. "It only makes sense that Minato would turn out the way he is."

Naruto only sighed then glanced at the emo bird that was still staring at him with an unnerving rapey expression.

"What about him?" He asked uncaringly while pointing at Sasuke.

"Shouldn't he be confined or something?" Tsunade grimaced and shifted in her seat.

"As much as I hate to say this, he's only here because the fuckhead wants your man babies and promised to not cause any problems as long as he was in your presence…the fucker killed everyone else…" She grumbled.

Naruto twitched.

Minato then grabbed Naruto's hand again but this time he gave Sasuke a suspicious glare. Sasuke, who finally stopped gazing at him unblinkingly, gave Minato a vicious glower in return. Minato tightened his grip on Naruto's hand and sneered at the dark haired man.

Tsunade was amused, Sasuke was jealous, Minato was possessive, Shizune was having trouble finding the damn stash of sake she had purposely hidden from Tsunade, and Naruto was really, really pissed.

"Well get the hell out of my office you rude little brat!" Tsunade snapped, looking all too pleased with herself. Naruto swore he would change that smug look on her face. He gave her a sour look before stomping out of the office, the other two men trailing behind.

O

Naruto was sure that somewhere out in the farthest reaches of the universe, some deity or higher power was laughing their ass off at his misfortune.

He felt utterly humiliated while walking down the main street of Konoha.

The older blond menace refused to let go of his arm, and was amicably waving to passerby's who in turn gaped stupidly at him in return.

That was probably the only upside to his embarrassment.

The unflattering looks of utter shock on the faces of the villagers almost made him feel okay about his situation…almost.

Then there was also the fact that Duck-ass-for-hair was acting like a bloody guard dog and was snarling in his silent evil Uchiha way at anyone that came within five feet of him. Of course he went back to his obsessive staring once he was done giving the evil eye to whomever was unfortunate enough to stray too close to him.

It was too bad the boy couldn't get the leech of a father off his now numb arm. He could almost imagine both of his…wards…in a complete free for all.

Naruto chuckled at the mental image of Sasuke lunging at Minato while frothing at the mouth and Minato launching himself at the other with a primal growl.

His amusing thought process was abruptly cut off when he felt hands tightening around his arm. He glanced questionably at the older man beside him, fleetingly eyeing the hands around his persons with a bit of irritation. He swore that if that attitude continued, he would personally do... something... to the older man.

The blonde wasn't quite sure on what it was yet but it would be traumatizing... and painful.

Minato smiled at him warmly and caressed his whiskered cheek. Naruto jerked away from the man and quickly decked him in the stomach, watching with malicious amusement as he kneeled over gasping.

That wasn't quite what he had in mind, but it would do for now. The bastard deserved it for kicking him out of his fucking window earlier.

He ignored the wounded look on the ex-Hokage's face and sauntered off in dark satisfaction. Naruto grinned and relished the shouts of outrage from some of the villagers nearby. They wouldn't dare go near him. After all, who would attack him while the emotionally impaired Uchiha practically set anyone too close to him on fire with his Death Glare of Doom™.

He would deal with this, he decided, paying no heed to the older blonde that hastily caught up with him and the Uchiha.

He survived this far while the world tried to push him down. There was no way the two following him could make his life worse…right?

O

Elsewhere in some hidden location, a lone figure was crouched in front of an Alter.

"Soon my Naruto-kun." The worshipful voice murmured, trailing their finger along the picture of the blonde that had been placed on the Alter.

The person grinned widely, placing a kiss on the face in the photo. The lights from the candles nearby flickered ominously in the small room.

"Soon…"

O

"So what you're telling me that Lady Hokage is letting a traitor and a questionably sane ex-Hokage live with Naruto?" Came a dangerous whisper, the brown haired man who spoke growled, clutching the edge of the table in front of him tightly.

The wood creaked ominously.

Some civilian patrons of Amaguriama glanced at the man fearfully. The silver haired Jounin across from him rubbed the back of his head nervously, smiling his one eyed smile apprehensively.

"Kakashi?" The scarred man questioned softly.

"Yes Iruka?" The masked Ninja replied cautiously, eyeing the Chuunin as if he were a dangerous creature. Iruka breathed out slowly then picked up his forgotten dango and viciously took a bite out of it.

Kakashi winced at the display of anger and couldn't help but vaguely wonder if he should have told his boyfriend the news at his home instead of a crowded restaurant. The Chuunin put the dango down on the plate then abruptly stood, his face set with grim determination.

"We're going to visit Naruto," Iruka said smiling, eyes glinting dangerously," after all, it's been awhile right?"

"We?" Kakashi questioned, not liking where this was going.

"Yes!" Iruka snapped, turning on his heels, quickly leaving the eating establishment. Kakashi soon followed his lover with a sigh, rolling his eye at Iruka who was stomping ahead of him while questioning the judgment of the Hokage under his breath.

He should have just let the man find out on his own. Kakashi pulled out his Icha Icha Paradise and shrugged. What was done was done.

O

"Alright, so I'll be back in about an hour," Naruto said, shifting through his Gama-Chan.

"I trust you won't destroy my home?" He stopped what he was doing and stared at the two men who were sitting on his old lumpy couch.

He needed to buy food in order to cook for the freeloading asswipes who took no time making themselves comfortable. Naruto glared at them in front of him.

"I only need to buy a few groceries so don't ruin my damn apartment, got it?" Minato nodded enthusiastically while Sasuke continued his….staring.

It was actually really starting to creep him out.

Naruto eyed them suspiciously, huffed, grabbed Gama-Chan, and walked out the door.

He didn't trust them as far as he could throw them but he would castrate the two if anything was so much as scratched.

'Yep,' he thought to himself, 'if anything happens, they will rue the day they were born.'

O

The market place was packed as usual and he distantly wondered about his friends as he went from stall to stall, getting what he needed.

He was in no way looking forward to introducing Sai.

His penis comments might give Minato an aneurism.

Team Gai was safe…somewhat. 'Actually,' he thought amused, 'everyone but Sai is safe.' He chuckled.

Naruto then started walking home, carrying his grocery bags. He smiled in bliss at the thought of eating those yummy noodles that were nestled in the bags he was holding. Oh how he loved Ramen. His beautiful and perfect Ramen with its succulent noodles and broth that must of originally been created by the Gods.

The blonde swiftly snapped himself out of his daze when he realized that a lot of people were running away in hysteria from the direction he was heading. Hell, he was pretty sure he even saw Mrs. Kubetsu booking it away from the direction of his home.

He felt a sinking sensation in his stomach.

He bit his bottom lip and silently prayed it was nothing horrible.

Naruto quickened his pace dodging random citizens then finally turned at a corner that would bring his home into view.

He froze and felt the bags he was holding slip to the ground.

His entire apartment building was on fire.

O

A/N: Yeah so I've been gone for quite a while…I keep changing the story too which I apologize for. Hopefully I can work on this more often though so cross your fingers.

Fic Rec

Naruto: Myoushuu no Fuuin

By: May Wren

Summary: A seal had managed to defeat and imprison the Kyuubi no Kitsune, the strongest demon to ever exist. It was just ink on paper-or a stomach, as the case may be- and it held so much power… 'Yeah,' Naruto decided, 'I gotta get me some of that.'