Chapter 4: Light
"Jasper are you even listening?" I questioned as he drew patterns on my skin with his fingers. When met with silence I shook him slightly.
"Yeah, of course I am Darlin'. I just don't know what to tell ya. I've come acrost types like hers before, but they never came from anywhere good, and in the end they all had to be destroyed." He breathed out. I pulled away locking eyes with him in agitation. Hands quickly raised in surrender as he realized his mistake. "I'm not sayin' we dispatch her. I just don't know how to help her either. There is nothing in all my time training newborns that can help with this." Sighing I laid back down beside him and he began tracing once more.
"What about the ones you did meet: did anything calm them? Were they changed differently? Were their sires less present than the others? What about their feeding habits?"
"Darlin, I know ya want to help, but give me a second to answer ya, alright?"
"Not alright, talk faster." I growled out. His hand fell away and I realized I too had made a mistake. "I didn't mean it to sound like that Jasper. I'm worried for her. I didn't mean to sound like I was giving an order."
"That doesn't change that we still have to work on it. You're thinking like you're still there aren't ya?" He questioned. I fiddled with the blanket, glanced at the walls, his hair, played with my hair, anything to avoid looking at him. I felt his hand on my chin, but still I resisted, and he didn't make me. "Darlin I'm upset because we're equal. Neither of us is in charge of the other. Neither of us has a commanding officer anymore. Neither of us is bound to Maria. Neither of us have to kill to survive. Neither of us is trapped in the south. Neither of us have to destroy those we've created. Neither of us is trapped. Never again." I looked up at him still silenced by my own gross order. "Both of us are safe. Both of us have family. Both of us help others. Both of us are free to be whatever and whoever we want to be. Both of us make alliances and plans to protect who we love, not troop movements. Both of us have a place to call home. Both of us are loved." He finished projecting his love onto me. I smiled, I couldn't help it. He was so kind; too good for me.
"I'm sorry Jasper. I will work on it." I promised.
"That's all either of us can do." He kissed me on the nose pulling me into a hug. I clung to him. There was nothing better than his scent and the feeling of safety and love he granted me even without the utilization of his powers. "Now to answer ya: There wasn't much ya could do besides throw bodies at 'em. They did well in battles when hungry we just threw them in first. They would kill three times as much and twice as fast as the others in order to be permitted to hunt. I changed half of them, but it was always when we were in need of short term soldiers. That was when they crop up the most frequently. As their sire I suppose I was as present for them as I was for the others, but these soldiers were short term. I didn't even have six months with them it was more like a week or two, so I barely knew their fighting styles let alone anything else. If I was distant from the usual group of newborns I was nonexistent to this type. Aside from permitting them to hunt as much as necessary there wasn't anything else I could do for them." He cleared his throat refocusing. "They fed like everyone else, but they did so for longer. Their kills were not clean, but they were always swift. I wasn't sure anyone could feed that much until I met them. They were integral to defeating the enemy. Without them there were quite a few battles that would have been lost. Definitely strengthened our forces. We could not afford to lose them." The wild look in his eyes was returning far too fast. I wrapped him in a hug without thinking and a millisecond later I was pinned to the bed, teeth at my throat. I locked my joints in place willing myself not to move. There would be time to set the beast free later. There would be a time to panic later. Instead I lay there as he growled teeth millimeters from my neck. I tried to move over ever so slightly and was met with raucous hissing. I kept my eyes downcast watching his muscles tense and bulge as opposed to making eye contact. Now wasn't a time to fight for dominance.
"Jasper, it's just me." I whispered.
"Shut up soldier." He nipped me to ensure I got the message. So I shut my eyes and lay there. I hummed to myself: old war songs, lullabies, anything to pass the time. As hours slipped away his grip loosened and slowly he returned to me. The last to come back were his eyes, from midnight to soft amber. Then horror filled him as he jumped back putting chair and lamp between us in an effort to grant me space. I dared not unlock from my position. Would I cry? Would I attack him? I had no way of knowing either way. I glanced around the room, the tipped leather chair was not broken, nor the lamp, but the book shelf he was gripping was snapping away beneath finger tips as the wood screamed its protestations. I glanced to the door before adverting my gaze. No, I would not run from him. He had been patient with me and my snap. I would be here for him. I was not afraid of him. Jasper had never been the cause of unending pain but a source of comfort in a world that had long since forgone kindness in matters that concerned me.
I could see the pain on his face long before I felt his power. His remorse so strong I almost missed the self-loathing. How upset he must be if his self-directed emotions were slipping through. I hummed the old war lullaby again careful to make eye contact. He allowed himself a small sad smile.
"One day the soldier will come home.
When the war is won and enemy none
One day the battles be put down
The cheers will be heard from all around
But the soldiers always know
With them the war will always go"
Jasper sang lowly echoing my melody before sighing. The words hung in the room making even us vampires feel short of breath. It had always been used when marching upon lands, but until recently it had never meant so much. Slowly I sat up still stiff as a board; at least I was not plastered to the comforter any longer. "I'm sorry Darlin." Jasper whispered. "The last thing I was is to hurt you." His hands twisting, face contorted in agony as he beheld my rigid figure. My thoughts worked to locate the proper words for this moment, the perfect words to assuage his guilt, reassure him of my safety, of my love for him, but I was still struck still in the hopes of forestalling my own overreaction. Instead I took a deep, unnecessary breath to steady myself before unlocking my joints the way Jasper and I had practiced so many times. First my fingers, then up arms, next my shoulders followed by my neck and jaw, down my spine permitting my posture to relax, through my hips, uncrossing legs, muscles unclenching, and finally all the way down through my toes. I smiled at the success as the fear and need to fight dissipated. I sent jasper reassurance holding out a hand for him to take. Slowly, he made his way around the room, footsteps echoing off of the hardwood floors until he was beside me, taking my hand. We sat like that in silence until the birds began their morning rituals, ushering in a new day.
"Nothing like Maria." I finally said glancing out the window. From the corner of my eye I saw the tension leave his body immediately.
"Darlin that's just war in general, but your right. There ain't nothing like servin' under Maria." Jasper speculated. I leaned into his side breathing in his honeysuckle and leather scent. "May I?" He asked. His arm still in the air. I nodded and he wrapped it around me pulling my closer. I let out a low purr burrowing my head into his chest. He stiffened and I realized what I had done. Oh, the blush that would have existed if I was still human. He pulled back to get a better look at me. My own eyes searching for patterns and pictures in the hardwood with an intensity I rarely devoted to anything.
"You purred." He whispered. His joy flared projecting outwards like rays of sunshine. I nodded still focused upon the floor. Was he going to hold the stupid sound against me. "Why are you embarrassed? Darlin' it's not a bad thing." I ducked my head a bit lower.
"I sound like a cat." I muttered. Then he laughed in earnest: head back, eyes shut his golden locks bouncing as he did. "That makes me feel so much better." He stopped instantly.
"Has no one ever told you what it means?" He questioned.
"We've been a bit busy working on being a functional vampire and not a killing machine. No one told me anything. Growls and hisses are warning, so are tensed forms. Looking vulnerable on purpose is to ease the discomfort of others. Beyond that what does it matter?" I snapped looking away.
"I didn't mean to upset you. It's just- Darlin' that sound is only heard when you're happy, when you trust the one you're around, when you feel safe. We only make it for our mate or sire." He informed me smiling hugely.
"If that's the case why haven't you made it?" I interrogated defensively.
"Hey, I'm just tryin to inform ya darlin'." He held his hands up in mock surrender. "Remember all those times I told you I was just coughing." I nodded. Those times had seemed odd considering we don't breathe. "I was hiding it. I didn't want to scare you with too much commitment or relationship garbage when you were still unpacking so much." He confessed.
"You give me way too much credit." I smiled tousling his hair playfully.
"The elements are at your beck and call, but thinking you know what purring means that's when I've assumed too much of you?" He snorted in disbelief. I pushed him playfully before curling back into his side. "I don't deserve your trust." He whispered into my hair.
"And I don't think I deserve you, so we're even. Carlisle said this wouldn't be easy." I reminded him. Not that Carlisle hadn't had faith in us. The blond doctor in fact thought we could, at the very least, offer each other enormous support. The best path was rarely the simplest. Jasper and I's relationship had definitely enforced my belief in that one. One of us having a flashback and triggering the other was a common occurrence neither of us liked the family to know about. It was not a rule we had ever spoken of, yet its existence was part of how we'd built trust in one another that could withstand even the worst days. In our cores we were soldiers. Hardened by our battlefields and when the demons surfaced those old mentalities and logics where the only things we could rely upon. That being said what set one of us off usually held a significance for the other as well and when not sizing each other up it permitted us to relate and speak on our pasts without having to go into basic details other soldiers would already understand given the context alone.
I could feel his scars through his shirt as surely as he could feel mine. It was comforting and a point of mutual respect. There was no reason to hide this or be ashamed. We were stronger for surviving it, but also all the more fucked up. Yes, Carlisle had been right, but I would not want to walk this winding road with anyone else, especially not a therapist. Ugh, the lst thing I needed was a stinging vampire that nknew nothing beyond the papmered walls of a pain-funded hall telling me I needed to move on, or worse that we had to be reported to the Volturri for our part in the southern wall. If separation from our past wasn't enough of a reason not to tell every person we came acrost about who we'd been then the emanate threat of destruction at the hands of the Volturi for our 'crimes' definitely was. As if it was our fault we had been forced to fight or die. As if we had chosen such lifestyles for ourselves. Of all there rules this one bothered me almost as much as the rule for halflings. Another rule based on fear of being exposed or overthrown. I rolled my eyes at the thought. Like anyone in the south wanted in to politics.
"What has your emotions so jumpy?" Jasper asked softly. I shrugged. "About Carlisle?" He pressed.
"Sort of." I admitted still in my own world.
"Are you regretting this path?" I pulled back to look at him fire in my eyes.
"Jasper Whitlock! How dare you think that? We are in this together and I would never change that." He bowed his head repentant.
"I just-"
"No don't you dare doubt our path or us. I love you Jasper." I murmured ducking my own head embarrassed at the romantic twist our conversation had taken.
"We're awful at this." He laughed burying his own face in my hair. "I love it." He admitted.
"Me too." I pushed him back on the bed kissing him fiercley. Hands roaming his body, pulling at his clothes. He kissed back enthusiastically at first but then I felt him start to stiffen still kissing, but more mechanically. I pulled back taking in the glint of fear in his eyes and backed off him creating space. "I'm right here. Nothing you don't want." I soothed letting him feel my honesty and love. He nodded sitting up slowly.
"That hasn't happened in a while." He stated tightly still tensed. I sat there in silence watching as he too slowly worked to unwind himself. The pride I felt as he ripped himself from his personal hell was immense. I wanted to hug him, to show him how proud I was, but loud sounds, fast movements, and contact were not things that would help right now. So I sat there projecting my love to the best of my non-empathic ability, hoping it got the point across. "You're getting quite good at that." I smiled in response not wanting to startle the still rattled Jasper.
"When I was back with Maria everything was for her. When I fed so I was strong enough to defeat her enemies. When I went to war to keep her safe. When I killed the others. When I attended her chambers." He paused collecting himself. I dared not even breathe as he cast his eyes out the window seeing through the birds and trees to his old war torn life. "There was little I could do to fight her off when I first got there. I had strength but who was I to compete with her charms. I felt honored that out of all she'd changed I was the one chosen to fill her bed. The heightened sex drive I developed upon being changed did not help matters either. So when she wanted me I was all too eager to come when she offered. As my newborn year continued so did her want of me. Even when I was thirsty or needed to train, or tried to avoid her. There was no denyin' Maria." He snarled bitterly. The rage burning inside me couldn't help but grow with each word he uttered, but I fought it. Fought the venom pooling in my mouth. Fought the need to break something, to kill something. I needed to be calm. My emotions needed to be comforting not chaotic. That would only add to his discomfort.
"When Peter and Charlotte helped me escape the south I assumed I was free of all that, but I was wrong. When Alice found me it was like being with Maria again. Not because Alice was trying to hurt me. No, the damage was all effects from Maria. Alice didn't hurt me, but after so many tries that left her frustrated I started pretending to be fine. I started doing whatever it took to get through it for her. She deserved a partner that was there for her. She shouldn't of had to deal with someone else's mess." Head hung in defeat I had to stop him.
"Jasper think about all you have done for me. Are you saying you expect me to pretend?" I countered.
"No, Bella I would never." He whispered. He looked mortified that I would even suggest that.
"Then why should Alice be permitted to expect that. Why does mutual happiness and comfort have to be out of the question? Jasper, you deserve to feel safe too. If I don't have to put a mask on in the bedroom for you then you don't have to for me either." I reasoned. He smiled glancing at me pain still heavy in his eyes.
"Thank you Bella. Things have always been easier with you. Your fear is usually stronger than mine so this hasn't really come." He admitted softly.
"I wish you'd told me sooner."
"I didn't want to give you more to worry about given how hard everything's been for you." He shrugged. I smacked him lightly on the arm.
"We are going to help each other! And when we are ready; if we both agree to it we will have sex. Only then and not a minute before. I swear to you Jasper. If we choose to be intimate in that way I want us both to at the very least not be afraid. I make no promises that it won't be awkward as hell considering how our make outs go." I said hoping to lighten the mood.
"You make me nervous." He said hiding his face. "I want you to feel good and I want to do well, but-"
"You don't know how and the fear makes you cloudy." I assisted. He nodded. "It's the same way for me. Sometimes you say or do something that breaks through the haze and I know what to do. Sometimes its physical, sometimes its words. The clarity is coming more often now." I admitted.
"How did you become better with words than I am?" He queried.
"That is a very good question." We sat there in silence for a while as the sun finished rising and light filled the room once more.
"Perhaps we should go spend time with the others." Jasper offered.
"In a bit. Right now I want to be here." He put his arm back around me and there we stayed looking out upon the glistening trees, the sun tinting their rain burdened branches with gold. The rhythmic falling of water droplets soothing the swift transition to light.
What the Characters Think:
Isabella: I love you Jasper
Jasper: I love you too Darlin
Rose: There are wedding plans to make!
Tanya: *mutters* You mean ruin
Rose: Say it again you piece of shit
Tanya: I don't know what you mean cousin dear *smirking*
Isabella: Mr. Flame thrower would like to stay put away but keep it up and I swear I will grab him
Tanya: Mr. Flamethrower? Really what are you ten?
Isabella: *growls as the wind picks up*
Jasper: *holding her back* Hey now don't let her get to you. Tanya we're family!
Tanya: SHE'S not family.
Jasper: *rolls eyes*
Rose: I swear to god Tanya don't give me a reason
Tanya: *crouching* bring it!
Rose: *lunges and the two collide screeching*
Emmett: *runs in* What the hell is going on here?
Jasper: Tanya wouldn't shut up and I can't hold them both back
Isabella: I swear to god if you don't let me go!
Emmett: On it…
Me: So the characters are pretty busy at the moment but reviews would be nice. *Ducks as a window soars by overhead* Please review if you feel so inclined I'm getting out of here *Runs off*
there is a darkness in my soul and it cannot be tamed or tempered.
It cannot be controlled nor contorted
Only loved
A void of black mist
Only filled by the cock of a martyr kind enough to take it
For what do the young know of self-preservation
You say I was a child
No bearing or knowledge of the tragedy unfolding in my bedroom
Darker than the downfall of Lady Macbeth
But then I ask you
If I do not know my own mind
Then how could he claim to know what I needed
To thrust and grunt
Fill a hole I didn't know required filling
But its ok glance skyward swallow not only the lump in your throat
But the excrement of another's cruelty
Removing evidence and the serum to complete the metamorphosis
No longer the unknowledgeable infant
Now a beautiful, matured sex doll
I mean Daughter
Filled by his urges