The extraordinary story of The Nations guide to the Galaxy begins very simple. It begins with a man. An Earthman, to be precise, who no more knows his destiny than a tea leaf knows the history of the East India Company. His name is Arthur Kirkland. He is a five-foot-seven-inch-tall nation and someone is trying to drive a bypass through his house.

"What do I bloody want you to do about it?" He shouted through the phone, as he lay next to the bulldozers front. "Well I want you to find him and tell him I'm currently lying flat on my back on front of – Fine, I'll bloody hold!" He hung up the phone, placing it in his pocket as he looked up at a man dressed in a builder uniform. He guessed he was in charge of everything.

"Come on now, Mr. Kirkland. You can't lie in front of the bulldozers forever." The man said as he sighed at the Englishman.

"Oh? Well I'm game! Let's see who rusts first; the nation or the bulldozer?" Arthur refused to let the men knock down his house. It was the most perfect house he had ever owned; a small, green cottage placed in the centre of a large, green field. No one would ever interrupt him here, except for his friend of course, but he could live most of his life in the nice calm atmosphere of his house.

"The bypass has got to be built and it is going to be built."

"Why has it got to be built?" he lifted his back up, using his elbows on the ground, although still staying close to the bulldozers front.

"It's a bypass! You've got to build bypasses. Besides, you should've protested months ago! These plans have been on display at the planning office for a year."

"On display? I had to go down to a bloody cellar!"

The builder sighed, "Mr. Kirkland, have you any idea how much damage this bulldozer would suffer if I just let it roll straight over you?"

"...How much?"

"None at all."

By a strange coincidence, 'none at all' is exactly how much suspicion the British nation, Arthur Kirkland, had that one of his closest friends was not in fact from the planet Earth, but was in fact, from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse. The same man was currently running down Arthurs' front lawn, while holding a trolley filled with canned beer and small packets of pasta.

"Ve, Arthur!" The man shouted, as he lifted up a few cans of the beer and started running into the house. He had a rich 'Italian' accent; well Arthur had always guessed he was just Italian.

"Fiat." Arthur called to him, as he tried to remember why he was friends with the man anyway.

"Si?" The brown haired man turned around, to notice the several bulldozers placed in front of Arthurs' house.

"Over here." Arthur waved slightly, to get his full attention.

"Ve, there you are!" The Italian ran to Arthur, and sat next to him. He passed the beer to the Englishman, which caused for the builders to give him confused looks. "Eat, drink, we've got to talk~"

"Now isn't a good time, Fiat." He put the beer on the ground, and pointed to the bulldozer next to him. "They're going to bloody demolish my home."

The Italian stood up, with fear showing in his face. "You already know? How~?"

"What do you bloody mean? The bulldozers...?" Arthur said, as he shook his head at the Italian man. There was no real reason for their friendship; they had nothing in common, none of the same interests, yet they still knew each other.

"...Oh! They, they," he looked around at the builders, who were starting to lose interest and were getting bored. "When you say 'they', you mean them don't you~? Capito~" He turned back to Arthur, "Listen, I've got something important I've got to tell you~ Right now."

"But what about my house?"

The 'Italian' picked up the dropped canned beer, and passed them to the closest builders. "Workers of the Earth, I bring you beer and pasta~" The builders gathered around the Italian, before then surrounding the trolley of goods.

"Ve, now let's go to the pub~ They won't demolish your home until they've finished the beers." He helped Arthur off the ground, as led him to starting walking to the closest town.

"Can we trust them?" The Englishman didn't like the idea of leaving them with his house, although he really didn't have a choice anymore.

"I would trust them to the end of the Earth~"

"And how far is that?"

"About 12 minutes away~"

"Barman~" The 'Italian' called as he entered the pub, dragging Arthur closely behind him. "Six pints of beer and quickly~ The worlds about to end." He sat down on a stool next to the bar, and put a £50 note in front of the barman. "Ve, keep the change. You've got about 10 minutes to spend it." He lifted up the first glass, and started to drink it.

Arthur wasn't really surprised as to what was going on. He knew that his friend wasn't exactly sane, and the fact that he just paid for 3 beers for him, at lunchtime just proved they knew each other well. But he was still confused as to why his friend was doing all this.

"Time is an illusion~" He said, as he wiped his mouth using a towel he had around his shoulders. Arthur hadn't noticed the towel earlier, but it was a normal thing for his friend to do. "Lunch time, doubly so. Eat these peanuts, you'll need the salt~" He passed several packets of peanuts to Arthur, and started the next pint.

"Fiat, what is going on?" Arthur finally asked, as he started his first pint of beer.

The 'Italian' put a hand on Arthurs shoulder, and looked serious for the first time Arthur could remember. "What if I told you I really wasn't from Guildford?"

"I know you're not from Guildford."

"Ve, you do?"

"You're Italian."

"...Italian?... What if I told you I was from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse?"

"Is that something you were likely to say?"

"Remember when we met~?" Arthur had found it hard to forget. He had been walking home from doing his shopping, when he saw the 'Italian' standing in the middle of the road. He had his hand out, as if to shake some ones hand. Although it was more like he was trying to shake a cars hand, as he had almost gotten hit by one. Arthur had pushed him out of the way, but he only assumed he was drunk. After a conversation with the 'Italian', he guessed he was just stupid.

"Wasn't it strange that I was trying to shake hands with a car~?"

"I assumed you were just that stupid."

"Ve, I thought cars were the dominant life form. I was introducing myself~ You saved my life that day, and now I'm saving yours. Now drink~" Fiat let go off Arthur, and continued his own drinks as Arthur was still drinking his first.

"It must be Thursday. I could never get the bloody hang of Thursdays."

"Look, Arthur, if this is about your house-"

"This isn't about my house." The Englishman reached into his pocket, he was still wearing his green pyjamas, and brought out his phone. The background was of him and another blonde, much taller than him and wearing glasses. He had a small strand of hair which stuck out apart from the rest, and was giving a thumb up.

"Who's she?"

"He," He corrected. "Alfred F. Jones, we met at a fancy dress party. You see, I hate those kinds of parties. I would much rather have stayed home and worked on my embroidery. Buy anyway, I decided to go."

The party was held at in some ones apartment, he couldn't remember whose. He could hardly remember who invited him to the party in the first place. Arthur had spent most of the time sat in a chair, reading. Until the mentioned American, Alfred, approached him. "Who are you?" He had shouted loudly over the music, wearing some kind of superhero costume.

"Kirkland-Arthur Kirkland." He had surprised him, mainly because he hadn't noticed him there.

"No, I mean- who are you?" The American repeated, rolling his eyes at the Englishman.

"Oh? The costume, right. Britannia angel..." He blushed as he looked down at the small angel costume he was wearing; it was the only thing he could find at such short notice.

"...O-kaaay then," The Americans aid, not sure what to say about the mans' outfit. "Well' I'm sure it's obvious about who I am." He laughed at this, as he punched the air (for some unknown reason.)

"Some super hero?" Arthur couldn't care less about what he was dressed as, but as long talking to the American meant the night would end sooner, he was up for it.

"You're the first person to get that right! Everyone keeps thinking I'm a drunk guy in his pyjamas, but clearly they don't understand how awesome my costume is."

"Yeah, well people who come to these sorts of parties are drunken gits."

"What?" The America shouted, not being able to hear him over the music.

"I said-" Someone knocked into the stereo, causing it to turn off. "All these people are gits-oh god." Everyone had turned to look at Arthur, while the American laughed because of the awkward silence.

"Ve, that's awkward~" The 'Italian' commented, with a small giggle.

"Tell me about it. He was amazing though, Fiat; Handsome, witty, mad as a balloon."

"Let's go somewhere." They had both left the party, and were currently sitting on the roof of the apartment building. Arthur had already gotten slightly drunk, but not enough to strip naked.

"Yeah-definitely. Where did you have in mind?" The Englishman was slightly confused by the question, but he just guessed that the American meant to leave the apartment building.

"Madagascar."

"Is that that new club on Dean Street?"

"No, it's a country..."

"That Madagascar? Why are we waiting here then?" There was a small awkward silence. "Oh god, you're serious? I can't go to Madagascar."

"Why not?" The American pouted, sure they had only known each other for several hours, but they had fun.

"Because- I just- you know... You're really serious?"

"Yeah! I want to go somewhere I've never been, and I'd like to go with you. So, what do you say, Britannia angel?"

"I say that's an extraordinary proposition, but I can't go. I mean, I've got a job."

"Quit! Get a new one when you come back!"

"I don't even know your real name!"

The American poked the Englishman's chest, and grabbed his hand. "Alfred F. Jones."

"Well, Alfred F. Jones, I have a proposition for you. Why don't we go a somewhere a little closer first, like, say Cornwall, and we'll see how it goes?"

"Right, of course, Cornwall." A tall blonde walked towards their table, wearing a blue uniform. He had long blonde hair, with sunglasses.

"Excuse moi, is this guy boring you?" He had a rich French accent, and looked down at the American. "Why don't you talk to me instead?" He combed his hair using his fingers, and smirked. "I'm from a different planet." The Americans face lit up at the Frenchman, and started to forget about Arthur. "It's true, you want to see my spaceship?"

"'Do you want to see my spaceship?' I mean really, what kind of line is that?" Arthur drank more of his beer as he looked over at his friend.

"That does happen~ Speaking of-" He took something out of his pocket, which appeared to be a small black tube with blue lights on it. "We've got 2 minutes~ Drink up."

A loud crashing noise came from outside, as Arthur stood up to look through the window. "That's my house... that's my bloody house!" He ran out of the pub, and headed towards his home. Fiat grabbed the packets of peanuts, and left more money on the bar.

"People of Earth~ A round of drinks for everyone, on me." He started to follow Arthur, until the barman interrupted him.

"Do you really think the worlds going to end?"

"Ve, yes~"

"Shouldn't we lie down, or put a paper bag over our head or something?"

"If you like~"

"Will it help?

"Not at all, see you!" The 'Italian' shouted, before running after Arthur.

What was once Arthurs' beautiful cottage, was now knocked down to look like several destroyed walls and furniture in the middle of a field. Arthur slowly walked onto his property, as the builders around him stopped to look at the sky. Several of them had shouted something, although Arthur had blocked the voices out. They all started to run in different directions, as Arthur continued to look at his destroyed home.

Fiat eventually caught up with Arthur, and ran straight to what was one his bathroom. He picked up a towel, and then joined Arthur. He was looking up at the sky, to see a large block shape covering up most of the sky. It was dark brown, and stopped the sunlight from reaching anything. "What the hell are those things?" The Englishman shouted, as he pointed upwards.

"They're ships from an Austrian constructor fleet! I picked up their signal this morning~ Here, you'll need this!" He rapped the towel around Arthurs' shoulders, and twisted the ring on his thumb. He pointed his thumb up to the ship.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"We're hitching a ride~" A golden light came out of the ring, and pointed up towards the ship.

"People of Earth, this is Roderich Vogon Edelstein of the Galactic Hyperspace Planning Council." The speech was being broadcasted from the ships above the Earth. "As you are probably aware, plans for the development of the outlying regions of the galaxy involve the building of a hyperspace express route through your star system. And your planet is one of those scheduled for demolition. There's no point acting surprised about it, the plans have been on display at your local planning office in Alpha Centauri for 50 earth years. If you can't be bothered with local affairs, that's your lookout. Pathetic planet, I've no sympathy at all."

The Vogon ended the transmission, and pressed one of the many buttons in front of him. In a matter of seconds, the Earth had been demolished into nothing but space dust; leaving no trace of the planet which once lived there.