Yes, I know, it's a vegetable, don't care.

"It's just a carrot," Ace muttered, only half-noticing the vegetable sticking out of his little brother's hand. "I mean, shit, how the fuck will a carrot get me 'n' Phoenix 'n' Queen Amazonia in the same bed?"

The Flamefist sucked down his tequila shot, bit his salty lime and screwed his eyes shut in delight before he bothered to regard the other patrons in the bar. Half of them nearly injured themselves trying not to meet his eyes. Turning to his left, Ace was barely able to catch Usopp, Zoro and Sanji in the act of drooling, but the red tips of their ears (and Usopp's nose) told him a lot more.

"Yeah," Sabo growled on his right before he cleared his-suddenly raspy throat and dug the end of his pipe in Ace's ribs, "You seriously need to stop being a total D and revealing all sorts of juicy information followed by a throat-fucking moan."

Ace and Luffy threw up their middle fingers to the entire bar and went back to their discussion.

"Ace~" Luffy whined as he tapped the carrot on the brim of Ace's hat, "Carrots are really useful. Like when I used one on Nami and then ate it, she was totally wild..."

The sound of an entire bar full of people adjusting their crotches momentarily drowned out the sound of Luffy's voice. That and Eustass' vicious round of swearing as Bentham held a bandanna nonchalantly to The Kid's now-clotting nose.

And Usopp on his den-den mushi to his wife, loudly trying to figure out why she hadn't invited him to that little party.

"..and then she utterly didn't mind when I fed her the one I'd used on Bonney..."

At which point Law just gave up, grabbed his bottle of wine and muttered dark words involving Perona and the nearest cucumber garden he could find before paying Sieg and stalking out.

Sanji had already passed out on the counter. Zoro was preparing the IV while Usopp warmed the blood pack. Next to the medical supplies, the sniper's den-den mushi was blushing fiercely before the line was audibly cut. Sabo wiped the blood from his top lip and tried to get a handle on matters, to no avail.

"So wait," Ace continued, utterly ignorant to the commotion around him or Sabo's insistent groans of "Shut the fuck up, firebrains!" His brows were screwed up in concentration and only the faintest of blushes darkened the area under his freckles.

"Am I supposed to use the carrot as a man or a woman? On me or on Boa? And with Marco watching or wielding it?"

"Fuck it!" Sabo growled as he dropped a thousand kingsmarks in Sieg's hands, his trousers already pitching a tent like a good Boy Scout.

"Sieg, I need The Shit-Facer and the earplugs."

"Make it two," Zoro harrumphed as he pulled his own wallet out. At this point, it was no surprise to see the black bandanna tied around his nose.

Usopp had already left, armed with all the vegetables Sieg was willing to spare. The bartender shrugged and got ready for a brisk trade in earplugs, carrots, and Zoro's signature moonshine.

[~~~]

Ace was still skeptical.

The carrot was perfectly boring as it lay on his hammock. Sure it was almost blindingly orange as he'd scrubbed every speck of mud off that he could find, but still, it was nothing more than a carrot.

A really orange carrot.

Orange was one of his favorite colors.

"Seriously, you're not much to look at," Ace muttered as he picked up the vegetable. It was slightly cool to the touch but smooth overall, with only a few odd bumps added any textural interest.

"You're pretty long, though, I'll give you that. I wonder if you even match up to me."

Which is why Marco and Boa walked in on Ace jacking himself to full hardness with a carrot next to his dick. He didn't even have time to sputter out an explanation before Marco closed and bolted the door while Boa began to sashay towards him, licking her lips.

[~~~]

"Carrot juice for you, Ace?"

Usopp was not prepared for the blush. Or the choking, raspy groan. Or the way Ace's bloody nose crashed into his smoothie station.

"Two for us," Marco drawled, his hand still interlaced with Ace's despite his commander's comatose form. On Ace's other side, Boa sniffed haughtily and her head tilted as far back as it could, but she didn't remove her hand from Ace's grasp either.

Carrot juice, indeed.