Disclaimer: Same as the otherss. I dont owwn Jacob or Ness :)

Hehe... *smiles sheepishly* SOOO I don't expect you guys to remember me or this story since it's been... *cringes* six months. I'M SORRY! So I was reaally out of my element for a while and kindda lost my passion for my story... FORGIVE ME. But then I re-read your reviews and I kindda became a giddy 5 year old again.

I was actually thinking of putting my story on hiatus but I couldn't bare making it final.

I was getting depressed reading soo many out-of-character fanfics and I sortta started to lose who jake and ness really were. I REALLY want to emphasize in my story that Jacob And Rensemee are Not Just Some Horny Teenagers Trying To Get Some. Period. Mostly that's what I've been seeing in fanfics, and im not hating because I know that authors need to express themselves, I get it. It's just when using characters that have been formed soo fully, (well nessie, not really, but when you add edward+bella you get nessie's personality..basically) it kindda ticks me off when people just completely flip them around.

I had english this semester SOOO i learned alot bout writing and stuff. But when writing like this I rarely follow literacy rules so bare with me. I started this chapter uhh like five months ago then kindda let it hang... I finished it today! Yay!

Writing is still a passion of mine. And as I promised before, even though I take a million years to update, I will not forget about Jake and Ness. I love writing for you guys!

So you may wanna reread the last few chapters just to refresh your memories... this is basically a fluffy chapter... Just showing Jake's point of view in this current situation. 2 more exams and then SUMMER and i will be able to write for you guys whenever I please! ...I should be studying right now but as you can see I'm now =3 Okay enough of me! read on :)

CHAPTER 11 - A Month

JPOV

It had been about a month since Ness's birthday.

I sighed, rephrasing how I thought about it.

It had been about a month since I'd fallen in love with her.

Just about a month – about a month of more than I could handle yet not enough.

About a month of torture.

About a month of trying not to get to close, despite how much I craved to.

About a month of desperation.

About a month of worried glances from the Cullen family.

About a month of ecstatic glances from Bella.

About a month of guarded glances from Edward.

About a month of shifting uncomfortably under the awkward atmosphere of the Cullen home.

About a month of hopelessness.

About a month of the sparkling heat that pulsed through me every time I laid eyes on her.

About a month.

Just a month.

But it had never seemed so long and so short.

A month – a ridiculously long, yet ridiculously short month.

Too short. Too long.

Too much of craving to be near her - every moment I savoured, because every moment was never long enough.

But too long. Too much – I didn't know why it felt so long, like too much to handle. It was horrible but I loved it. It was so complicated. This feeling was so familiar today, but still so new.

This had become my life, this routine. Ness and I would spend the day together, and then somehow Ness and I would just end up falling asleep together, where ever we were – at the beach, at my place, her place, etcetera. Not that I was complaining – I didn't want to think about how empty I'd feel if I slept a night without her. Not that I would even sleep – which wouldn't be good because then I'd be exhausted, therefor there would be less energy for me to spend being with her. God, she had me completely and utterly wrapped around her and she didn't even know it.

"Hey," I greeted her, a grin spread across my face – the grin that spread every time I'd greet her good morning.

"Hey yourself," she grinned back, skipping lightly out of the front door to stand in front of me. I grinned down at her. Something new happened: I was surprised to see her blush. I could feel the heat of her cheeks warming my skin. She was the only thing that was warm to me. I hadn't felt many warm things in a while. Except for her – she was always warm.

The light hues of the sun cascaded through the trees, showering dancing patterns of light on the forest floor outside the Cullen home. I could hear the birds singing happily. One ray of sunlight broke through a cloud and hit her hair, highlighting all the underlays of gold. She was glowing. I was frozen.

I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. Her long ringlets hung down over her shoulders, glowing. Her face glowed. She was blushing, so gorgeous, so breathtaking. So delicate. My breath hitched. I felt a spark of heat shoot through my nerves instantly. I expected it, I invited it, yet it still shocked me like the first day.

It felt like I was buzzing, high-wired. Her cheeks darkened more before she looked down at her feet, shuffling them. I couldn't have that. I needed to see her. My moments were so short – so long, I wasn't going to waste any of them. It felt as if the spark was threatening to take over, it spread – became stronger every day. I didn't know how to stop it from getting the best of me, but I could never find it in myself to want to stop it. I knew that was a dangerous truth. It became more and more difficult every day to control it. I just needed to see her. To see her warm chocolate eyes, to see the light pink graze her cheeks…To be close to her – always needing to be closer to her. Always closer, no matter how close I got, it was never enough.

I reached up lightly with my right hand, and tilted her chin up slowly so she would look at me, almost… experimentally. The contact with her skin ignited the spark. I hadn't done this in a while – touched her. It was like taking a breath after being deprived of air for so long. I let it fill me. The warmth, the tingling, almost sizzling through my body. It was so remarkable. So unlike anything else. So warm. That meant so much because nothing had felt warm to me until she was born. Nothing had meant anything until she was born.

I savoured it, attempting to burn the memory in my brain. I knew I wouldn't be able to do this for a while. I knew I wouldn't allow myself this much again. I'd only want more.

My thoughts scattered. Disappeared. It was just her. It had always been her. I had become used to this, to alarmingly forgetting everything I had ever known. Used to only knowing her. After all, it had been a month. A month of this.

I had become used to it, but every day it hit me like a wrecking ball. Every day it was new to me. Every day was like the first day - The first day I'd known this feeling. Ever since that day there was no turning back. Since she was born she'd already had me wrapped around her little finger… I never thought she could have any tighter hold. I didn't think a tighter grip existed. Man was I wrong.

I searched her warm chocolate eyes, not really looking for anything, just savouring the way they made me feel. Made me feel… amazing. So amazing. She made me feel like I was floating, like there was no gravity, except her. Her gaze held me in place, held me here. Without it I would have floated away, into nothingness.

My heart was thudding in my ribcage. I wondered if it was possible to die from a gaze-induced heart attack. Her blush darkened. I was grateful that she didn't try to look away, but then again, I was resting her chin in my hand. But at this moment, I couldn't find it in me to want to let go. I was awestruck by her.

Her hair was glowing in the sunlight, her cheeks were tainted pink, her chocolate eyes melted, and held me there. Held me in place. Then her lips – soft, and full. So perfect. Oh God. I forgot how to breathe. My heart beat was long gone. The only thing that held me upright was her gaze, and the warm tingling that refused to give. I was getting dizzy – I wasn't sure if that was because of her, or because of the lack of oxygen that my brain was receiving.

The spark was breaching the only controlled area of my brain – the part that round everything back in place when I let it get too out of hand. I needed to stop – stop from going too far. Every day it got harder, though. Harder to break a gaze, harder to let go of her after hugs, harder to not stare at her with my tongue hanging out of my mouth like the dog I was. I hated myself for it – for thinking of her that way. It seemed wrong. She was so innocent, so delicate. Only a scum-bag would think of her like that… And that's what I felt like – dirt. I was no better than those stupid gangly teenage boys at the Forks High school. The only difference was that I was in love with her, more than words could describe. I knew no matter how she looked, that she'd be perfect to me – breathtaking. Always breathtaking, no matter what.

And this is what my life had become in this short month: loving every long… short moment with her, but feeling like kicking myself for letting my mind wander too far. Every day I would try to deserve her even though I knew it was an impossible goal. Would it be wrong though? To be attracted to her? She was…gorgeous – there were no words – Perfect, amazing…

I sighed. This had been my life for a month: allowing myself too much, getting sucked in, trying to scavenge for what was left of my common sense, then having my thoughts lost and scattered again.

It was so hard to find reason when I was so close to her. Her damned eyes weren't helping my attempt at resurrecting my thoughts – So I did what I should have done – I hugged her. I held her close to me, ( effectively cutting off my view of her face, yet just as effectively throwing my heart rate into overdrive), savouring the feeling of her body in my arms. It felt like that day of my birthday; When she was only about two feet tall; it was still all the same feelings; relief, utter happiness, because she was healthy and happy and safe, and she was in my arms. The original feelings had infused with these new ones: the warm tingling in my nerves, in my heart. The need to be close to her, yet no distance was ever close enough, The need to love her in every way astronomically possible. But I couldn't do that. She couldn't want that.

And then there was disappointment, a sense of rejection almost. A sense of loss, emptiness, because I wasn't allowed to love her the way I craved to; to be in love with her - Because she had me wrapped around her finger. I hung onto every one of her words. And I knew her – she couldn't want this. She enjoyed our friendship – was comfortable with it, like I was. It was painful, but she'd be happy not knowing my feelings. Because I knew how self-sacrificing Ness was, she wouldn't want to reject me, to see me hurt. It would make it worse though, because then she would give me her sympathy - sympathy that wouldn't be able to fix anything.

We were still close, though. Closer possibly than two best friends could get – so if she hurt, I hurt. If I hurt, she hurt. I couldn't hurt her, hurt myself. I wouldn't let this hurt her – I had to protect her from myself. I couldn't let this get in the way of our friendship.

I hated that – it felt wrong – having to work so hard to keep our friendship normal, like it was before. It wasn't as care free, as easy going. I had to watch myself every moment because my rationalized mind was very eager to slip away, to give into everything.

I'd forgotten that you were supposed to let go after a hug.

Using all the willpower that hadn't been drained from me already – I let go of her.

"Hey," I said softly as she grinned up at me.

She laughed, "You said that already, Jake."

Did I really? Wow… she really put me out of my element. Could she blame me? I mean come on… could she really not see what she did to me? Was I that good at masking it? It didn't feel like it – it felt hard as hell trying to keep it from showing on my face, all this … spark. But when I looked at her, I couldn't control it from showing if I tried. And if my life depended on my not looking at her, I would've probably been killed over a million times by now. The only thing I could possibly attempt at doing was not making myself to obvious. I think I'd failed at that too – but she didn't seem to notice.

"Really? My bad." I smiled.

"So what're we doing today?" she smirked, an amused smile, as she walked passed me, brushing my shoulder.

I caught up and kept pace beside her as we strode casually into the forest. "What?" I asked, smiling, at her, ignoring her actual question, instead, asking about her amused expression.

She just smiled and shook her head at the ground.

"What are you thinking?" I asked playfully.

"Nothing, really." She smirked.

"How come you don't tell me anything anymore?" I smiled lightly. "I'm not trying to pry… really. It's just… I still feel like I'm missing something. If it's private, I get that too."

I needed to ask. I hadn't brought it up since… last month, when she had that… emotional breakdown? I wasn't sure what happened that day. The memory made me feel cold – I had never seen her cry so hard in my life. I had never seen her so upset…I wasn't sure what was happening inside her head – I didn't want to ask her then. She seemed to be thinking about so much already. I guess that'd tipped me off that there was a lot going through her mind – a lot she wasn't telling me.

That afternoon had been so odd. I couldn't place a word to it. She'd been acting a little different at the restaurant, I wasn't sure if it was because of all the humans – she hadn't been around so many humans for a while, the scent must have been painful for her – she'd even growled at the waitress.

I'd gotten home from the restaurant, and seen Edwards car already parked out front. Edward had a thing for speed. I'd let myself in, and knew Ness was home already, I could hear her heartbeat coming from her room on the second floor. Okay – so she needed her privacy, she was probably getting changed or something, like any normal day. I remembered going to sit on the couch across from Emmett who was watching the game on the flat screen. We talked a bit, about the game, about Charlie, Bella, casual talk.

Then I'd felt something. It was like that warmth, the tingling, but it was different. It felt… dismal. It was still strong, but, like I was supposed to understand something. It felt like it was pulling on my heart – leading me up the stairs, around the corner to her room. I just knew I needed to be there. I remembered freezing at the shock of it all, processing what was flowing through me. I remembered Emmett eyeing me carefully from the other couch he was lounged on, but not saying anything. He just continued watching the game.

"I'll… be back." I remembered saying.

So I went, I went where I was being pulled to – and I stood there – in front of her bedroom door, frozen. And I heard it, her quiet tears, muffled sobs. My heart squeezed.

Pain.

Being dragged across a bed of nails – slow, painful, torture.

"Ness?" I had asked, trying so hard to keep the utter pain out of my voice, "Are you okay? Can I come in?"

"I'm fine." She sniffled. Her voice was thick with tears. I could have been the strongest man in the world and the sound of her tears would still have crushed me into nothingness. And then Ness, trying to write herself off as if her pain didn't matter at all. As if she wasn't important enough for me to care about. Of course. It was typical for her – self sacrifice. But I wasn't putting up with that. Not now.

"Nessie, if you don't let me in, you know I'll just come in myself." She sighed in defeat so I let myself in.

And I laid with her until the moonlight pooled into the room. My first thought was that Edward had probably told her. Told her about my feelings for her. That she was disgusted with me and now she probably didn't know how to let me down easy. I'd probably scared her. She looked at me as a brother, so this was probably a frightening revelation. I knew she would probably want me to leave.

But then she made me promise I wouldn't leave.

And now I was totally and utterly confused.

Ness had never told me why she had cried so much that day, never gave me a real explanation. It had now been a month and I couldn't place what it could have been. I felt like I was missing out on something big. Something that had affected her that much. Sometimes I thought it was teenage angst. But I couldn't really relate to that since my teenage years consisted of looking in the mirror and realizing you've just exploded into a giant wolf. Talk about angst. I wasn't a normal teenager and neither was Ness. What reason did she have to be angst-ridden? It made no sense.

"That's not true, Jake. I do tell you stuff." She smiled. "Even embarrassing stuff."

"Mmm really? I don't seem to remember…" I teased.

She elbowed me in a way that actually kind of hurt. I jumped back laughing.

"Don't think I'm about to go on a trip down memory lane with you, Pup." Her smile was radiant.

I laughed more. "I still resent that nickname."

"And I still don't care." Now she laughed.

And I was happy. These were the moments I loved – hearing our laughter dancing in the air. This was our friendship and moments of pure bliss. No stress, just ease. No frustration, just lightness. And with each of these moments I fell deeper and deeper in love with her.

"Hm, so my little Nessie's heartless now?" I smiled, raising my eyebrows at her, secretly loving how I could sneak in the 'my Nessie'. It was like a flood of relief to say it out loud.

"I'm not heartless. It's just common sense to think that anything that is a wolf is therefore a dog and therefore had to once be a puppy. And I do it because I love teasing you. Always did, always will." She grinned at me then her grin faded into a soft smile.

"And Jake?" she said quietly, looking ahead."

"Yeah?" I said softly.

"I'm not a little girl anymore." She basically whispered.

Boy did I know it.

OKAY soo yeah I know, not greatly eventful but it's better than nothing? I would reaally like to know if I stayed in character with them. I know they've been... maybe a little soppy? And I didn't want to convey them as some mopey teens with emo problems... :p It's just Nessie can bring out a different side in Jake that no one else can. It's going to be a long story, let's wait til it starts moving :)

SOO favourite part? :p

even one word to describe anything you felt. I'D GREATLY APPRECIATE!

a single thought or emotion you felt or thought of while reading this?

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ps. -DID YOU GUYS SEE THE BREAKING DAWN TRAILER? I FREEKED. iM SUCH A NERD (heart)

- Don't you think Mackenzie Foy was a great choice for Renesmee? =3 she's perfect to me!

THANK YOU FOR READING