Hi, guys! Welcome to the story I'm most proud of - the ultimate, most ridiculous comedy based on Harry Potter that you can find on this website. It starts from the beginning, so be prepared to meet the 11-year-old Harry Potter who has other ambitions than told in the book...

"HARRY," Aunt Petunia snarled, "If I get ONE MORE LETTER from Hogwarts Academy for Challenged Children…"

"It's Witchcraft and Wizardry," Harry spat.

"WHATEVER. Well, if ONE MORE infiltrates this household, you. Go. OUT."

"We're living in a stupid lighthouse on a stupid island in the middle of the sea," Harry mumbled. "What would I do, go swim with the mermaids?"

Not listening to any more, Petunia sent Harry to bed.

His "bed" was on the floor next to the fat Dudley snoring on the couch, and since it was his birthday, his uncle and aunt decided that it was okay if he didn't sleep in the broom-closet-sized bathroom.

Sighing, Harry dragged himself over to his "bed". Happy eleventh birthday Harry, he thought, and absent-mindedly drew a cake with candles in the dirt. He had just finished blowing out his dirt candles, when he heard a thud. Dudley sprang up, awake, and ran whimpering to the corner. Uncle Vernon, followed by his trembling wife, thumped downstairs.

"What in Hell—"

THUD. CRASH.

The door flew open, revealing the silhouette of a monster behind the lavender curtains. Everyone screamed. A giant with thick, curly black hair, a gigantic beard and mustache, and a protruding pot-belly lumbered over to Harry.

"'Arry Potter?" he growled, his eyes opening wide. "Oh boy oh boy! 'Ave YOU grown!"

Harry nodded uncertainly, posed in a Jiu Jitsu position he had learned from watching Dudley's class. "And…who are you?" he stammered, shaking.

"Her her her! Oi cannot believe oi forgot to introduce myself! 'I, Oi'm 'Agrid, keeper of the keys at 'Ogwarts." He stood with his chin in the air, his face bearing a proud look.

Hearing that, Harry flew into an excited speech. "Oh boy oh boy!" he said, bouncing up and down in place. "That means…that means…that you've come to admit me into Hogwarts! And that means…that means…that means…I'm…a…WIZARD!" Harry's eyes were shining. He hesitated for just a moment, but his eyes still shone. "But just because my parents were wizards, doesn't mean I'M one, I mean, I'm…" Harry paused. "…Just Harry. I mean, I've never done anything all cool and wizard-y and stuff. But if my parents were wizards, then don't I still have a chance of being one? Why else did I get all those letters?" He looked expectantly at Hagrid.

Hagrid guffawed. "What in the world, 'Arry? YOU, a WIZARD?" He choked and beat his chest. Harry looked dishearted. "Well, then, what was all that mail for, then?" he asked.

"Oh, that was just all prank mail," Hagrid said, rolling his eyes; then, casting a triumphant look at the Dursleys, he brought out a cake, chocolate with vanilla frosting and the words "Happee B'day Harry!" on top. Harry smiled and thanked Hagrid.

"So," Harry said with his mouth full, "if I'm not a wizard, then why have you come here, Agrid?"

Hagrid grinned and cleared his throat a little. He said in a majestic voice, "You, 'Arry James Potter, 'ave been invited to Voldemort's Birthday Party!"

"You mean," Harry gulped the last of his cake, "that I get to go to the birthday party of the person who killed my parents? That I was invited?"

Hagrid nodded, hoping for a furious reaction from Harry.

"AWESOME!" Harry shrieked, and dashed up to his uncle and aunt. "This is BETTER than being a wizard. Can I go? Can I go? Can I go? Please? Please? PLEASE?"

"Rid yourself of this house…dear," sniffed Aunt Petunia, shivering under Hagrid's glare.

"Oh boy oh boy oh BOY!" Harry yelled. "Hagrid, is it an all-night party?"

"Yes, 'Arry, so go get a change of clo'es, a sleeping-bag, and a too'brush."

"…the present?"

"Oh, we'll boi one along the way."

Brimming with anticipation Harry gathered his supplies (from Dudley's room, a sleeping bag) as instructed, and walked out the door with Hagrid, nodding a goodbye to the open-mouthed, gaping Dursleys.

Once outside, Hagrid leaned over and reached into a bush, pulling out a shiny blue cup with handles, moistened and dripping because of the rain.

Harry gasped. "Is that…"

Hagrid looked proud again. "As a matter of fact, it is!"

Harry's eyes widened until Hagrid thought they would pop.

"Put your hands on it, quick!" Hagrid said urgently, touching the rim.

Harry hesitated. "But isn't that where wizards put their—"

"NOW!" Hagrid barked.

Terrified, Harry grabbed the cup, just as they flew in the air sprinning 'round and 'round. At last, Hagrid screamed, "LET GO!" to Harry, and Harry, wincing, let go. He slammed on the ground on his shoulder, breathed deeply, and sat up grinning at Hagrid despite the pain, who had landed quite gracefully for his weight.

"Hey, wizard toilet seats are more useful than I thought!"

Hagrid gave him a queer look.

"Um, 'Arry, that was the Tri-Wizard cup, the 'ighest 'onor in wizard society, 'long with a Portkey, the only no'-muggle way of transpor'ation allowing muggles 'o come with."

"Ohhhhhhh." Harry felt his cheeks burn. "So, uh…why did Voldemort kill my parents again, Agrid?" he asked innocently, walking with Hagrid through a friendly-looking neighborhood with autumn leaves decorating each front yard. He guessed that this was Voldemort's neighborhood.

"You SEE," Hagrid brought his voice down to a whisper, "when Voldemort was younger, he'd invited you, as a baby, to his birthday party. Unfortunately, your parents thought against it, and since they didn't RSVP, he killed them. He decided to just invite you to his party once again, ten years later, instead of harming you."

"But that means..." Harry said quietly, "...that our birthday are on the same day!"

"Nah, he just celebrates a few days late."

"Oh, I see."

They walked the rest of the way silently, up to a peach two-story house that looked very pleasant. There were two hot pink balloons on the mailbox that read, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, VOLDY!

Harry suddenly realized something. "Oh my GOSH!" he hissed. "We forgot the PRESENT!"

But it was too late. Hagrid had already rang the doorbell.

You likey? You no likey? Reviews, please!

Gale