For Nicki
Kurt Hummel's favorite holiday, without a doubt, was April Fools' Day.
The night of March 31st would always be a busy one for him as he stayed up planning ways to "get" each of his friends. He was never spiteful or deceitful; he just liked to give people a little jolt. Mercedes was always in on his plans—they had an agreement not to pull pranks on each other. She was his partner-in-crime in every sense of the term.
He called her on March 31st to make arrangements.
"Rachel."
"Oh God, we have to get her good, Kurt."
"You know, forget an April Fools' prank, can we just duct tape her mouth shut?"
"We can do that any day of the year…let's do it."
Kurt laughed. "We'll come back to Rachel. You know who our biggest prank has to be on."
Finn was the most fun to plan for. He was so incredibly naïve and he didn't ever catch on about the date. Kurt and Mercedes pulled out all the stops for Finn's prank every year. The year before, they made Finn believe that Ohio had been annexed by Russia and told him he had to learn the communist way of life, or else he would be killed. He ran around the entire day with a drawn-on mustache and a scowl.
"You know what be hilarious?"
"What?"
"If you could convince Finn that you're pregnant or something."
Kurt laughed so hard that he fell off of his bed. "Mercedes…you are crazy! Finn's dumb, but he's not that dumb!"
"Twenty bucks says he is…" Kurt loved Mercedes most when her voice took that mischievous tone.
"You're on!"
…
Kurt was so excited, he had a stomach ache. He had a ball at school the next day. He broke into Rachel's locker, replaced all her pictures with pictures of spiders and changed all the songs on her iPod to death metal. He gave Tina a trick piece of gum that turned her mouth black, and he gave Artie an apple that he expertly drilled a hole in and inserted a gummy worm inside. They all (except for Rachel) laughed about it, and it was a fun day. Finally, the bell rang, and from across the classroom, he locked eyes with Mercedes and they nodded in unison. It was time to put the plan into action.
Kurt's locker was just across the hall from Finn's, and Finn was almost always late coming out of last period because his last period was Spanish with Mr. Schuester, and Finn almost always had a question. So they assembled in front of Kurt's locker and waited.
After about five minutes, the hallway was clear and Finn was coming around the corner.
"Showtime." Kurt whispered excitedly, and then buried his face in Mercedes' shoulder and began to cry.
"It's okay baby, we'll get through this," Mercedes cooed.
"What happened?" Finn rushed over. "Did someone say something to him, or…"
Kurt looked up. Mercedes was impressed with his acting—his face was actually streaked with tears. "Do you think we can tell him?"
Mercedes mock-thought about it. "Can you keep a secret, white boy?"
"Of course!" Finn nodded frantically. His brow furrowed in concern as he watched Kurt attempt to collect himself. "You can tell me anything, Kurt."
Kurt cast sad eyes on Finn and looked positively ashamed. "Finn…I'm pregnant."
Finn's jaw just about hit the ground and Kurt had to keep from breaking character. "I didn't—guys can get pregnant?"
"He's gay, Finn. You know that." Mercedes replied, shaking her head.
"Oh…" Finn cleared his throat and nodded. "Of course. Um, who's the father?"
"That is so insensitive, Finn. I am. Obviously."
"Oh. Who got you pregnant?"
Kurt took a deep breath. "I drank out of Artie's milk carton at lunch today." Mercedes shook her head sadly and hugged Kurt close to her, allowing him to bury his face in her shoulder again to suppress his giggles.
"Oh no, Tina's gonna be so pissed that Artie got you pregnant…"
"Can we please focus on the fact that Kurt's pregnant, Finn?" Mercedes snapped.
"You're even showing a little bit…" Finn gestured to Kurt's belly, which was slightly swollen. Kurt looked down at it indignantly. He wanted to blame it on a big lunch, but he hadn't been hungry today. Either way, he had to hide his annoyance at Finn legitimately thinking he looked pregnant. "What can I do for you, Kurt?" Finn looked genuinely concerned, and Kurt briefly considered ending the joke right there.
"I just want you to be there when I give birth later today."
"Later today? YOU'RE HAVING THE BABY TODAY?"
"Finn, don't you know anything? Men have the baby the day they get pregnant. That's why most gay men don't have kids of their own—12 hours isn't enough time to prepare."
"Oh my God!" Finn began to sweat profusely. "We gotta tell someone!"
"No, Finn! I'm going to have the baby and give it up for adoption. Nobody has to know about this. Please don't tell my dad."
Finn nodded again with a crazed look in his eye. "I'm gonna get something to eat; this is all happening so fast…call me if you need anything, okay?"
Kurt gave Finn a hug. "Thank you for being so supportive."
"I know you would do the same for me if I were gay and pregnant, Kurt."
…
Kurt and Mercedes lay on Kurt's bed, laughing.
"I can't believe he bought it!"
"I think you owe me $20, my man."
"You'll get your money." Kurt rolled his eyes, and then resumed laughing. "Hey!" He grabbed a pillow from his bed and slipped it under his shirt. "When Finn gets home, I should—OHHHHHHHH."
His face twisted in pain and he grabbed his stomach and doubled over.
"Kurt?"
"Get my dad." He choked out.
…
"Hello?"
"Finn? Hey, buddy. It's Burt."
"Oh…hi…"
"Listen, no big deal, I just wanted you to know that if you come home and the house is empty, it's because your mother and I had to take Kurt to the hospital. He's about to go into surgery—"
"OH MY GOD THE BABY IS COMING?"
"What?"
"THE BABY, THE PREGNANCY AND THE BABY!"
"Kurt got someone pregnant, what?"
"ARTIE. WE NEED TO CALL ARTIE AND TELL HIM KURT IS HAVING THE BABY!"
"Finn, have you been drinking?"
"I'LL BE THERE IN TEN MINUTES. TELL KURT I'LL BE THERE SOON AND HE NEEDS TO BREATHE AND I'LL GET HIM ICE CHIPS WHEN I GET THERE."
The line went dead. Burt stared at his phone for a few seconds before turning to Carole. "I'm not sure Finn knows what an appendicitis is…and I think your son has a drinking problem, sweetheart."
…
Artie wasn't expecting the phone call he got that evening.
"ARTIE!"
"Hello?"
"Artie, it's Finn! I'm picking you up in five minutes. Roll out to the curb, we're in a hurry."
"Where are we going?"
"Look, I know you didn't plan this baby and you're giving it up for adoption, but you need to be there to support Kurt. He's sort of my brother in a weird way, and I'm not going to have you leaving him to have the baby by himself!"
Kurt and Mercedes had briefly warned him at lunch that day that he was fathering a fictional gay saliva baby for an April Fools' joke, but he didn't realize they were actually going to convince Finn that Kurt was giving birth. Artie chuckled to himself and decided he would play along.
"I would never leave Kurt alone. I just didn't realize it was happening this soon!"
"Kurt is at the hospital right now!"
Oh wow, Artie thought, Kurt really is going big with this one. "Okay, I'll be at the curb."
Artie had just gotten to the curb when Finn pulled up. "Hop in—oh, I'm sorry, Artie." Finn jumped out of the car, lifted Artie like a feather into the vehicle, and threw the wheelchair into the trunk.
"I want you to know I still think you're cool, Artie. No hard feelings."
Artie was touched. "I didn't know you thought I was cool."
"Well, welcome to the club of accidentally getting someone pregnant. Well, I mean, I didn't actually get anyone pregnant, but close enough. And yeah, I think you're cool." He looked at Artie and smiled briefly.
…
Artie and Finn rushed into the hospital and found the waiting room where Burt and Carole were.
"Where is he?" Finn asked frantically. He held up a bowl. "I BROUGHT ICE CHIPS."
Burt looked down at Artie. "Hi, Artie. I'm sure Kurt appreciates your concern, but it's just minor surgery. He'll be fine."
"Burt! He is the father! He needs to be here!"
Artie shrugged. "Mr. Hummel, I'm really not sure what's going on here."
Finn looked from Artie to Burt and then to his mother. "Mom, please tell them what's going on!"
Carole flipped a few pages in an old magazine. "Honey, I haven't been sure of what was going on ever since your fifth birthday when you asked why there was a unicorn in the bathroom."
"Mom, you call it a towel rack, I call it a unicorn. It's whatever!"
"Finn, I think you need to sit down. Do you have a drug problem?" Burt looked concerned. Artie couldn't stop giggling.
"I DO NOT NEED TO SIT DOWN. I PROMISED KURT I WOULD BE THERE FOR HIM AND I WILL BE!"
And with that, Finn stormed through the double doors and into the patient area.
A nurse in purple scrubs caught Finn as he came through. "Excuse me sir, you can't be back here."
"I promised my brother I would be there to witness the birth of his child!"
"Oh!" The nurse seemed thoughtful. "Well…okay…what's the name of the mother?"
"THERE'S NO TIME, WOMAN!" Finn shoved the nurse aside and ran, looking for the room with Kurt's name on the door. When he found it, it was empty except for another nurse.
"Where's Kurt?"
"Oh, sweetheart, Mr. Hummel has already gone into surgery."
"CRAP."
Finn ran around the hospital until he got lost. He was desperate to find Kurt. He stopped to catch his breath and looked up to see a large whiteboard.
Dr. Phillips
Kurt Hummel, Appendectomy
Surgical Room 12
Finn then glanced at the pair of double doors in front of him, the word SURGERY in large letters above. He began to run again, the only thought in his head being that Appendectomy sounded like a pretty kickass name.
…
"KURT, I'M HERE!"
Finn burst through the door of the operating room. Kurt was lying on the table, about to be put under. "Who is this person?" the surgeon screamed.
"I'm Kurt's brother! Is it a girl or a boy?"
"Oh my God, this isn't happening…" Kurt was completely mortified. He looked up at the anesthesiologist. "You've already put me under, right?"
Finn rushed to Kurt's side and grabbed his hand. "I'm here, just like I promised. And Artie is in the waiting room. Let's get this baby out." He placed his hand on Kurt's stomach, eliciting a screech from Kurt.
"Great. We're going to have to re-sterilize." The doctor gave Finn an angry look. "You have less than five minutes, and then you're out of here. We have got to get that appendix out soon."
"Don't talk about my nephew like that!"
"FINN." Kurt was dizzy with shock. "My appendix ruptured. "
"Your baby ruptured?"
"Oh my God…" Kurt squeezed Finn's hand gently and tried again. "Finn…you don't know how amazing I think you are for coming here and bringing Artie and probably fighting all the hospital security to get into the operating room to keep your promise to me…but I'm not really pregnant."
Finn looked very confused. "But…I brought you ice chips…" he held up the small bowl of now-melted ice. Kurt started to feel ashamed. Sweet Finn, doing anything to make him more comfortable.
"Finn, it's April Fools' day. The pregnancy was a joke. When you got home, Mercedes and I were gonna pretend I was giving birth and then pull out a doll and surprise you. And then my appendix ruptured and I ended up in the hospital. I'm having emergency surgery."
"Oh."
"Finn, I'm sorry." Kurt felt like he was about to cry. Finn looked so disappointed. "I don't want to go into surgery with you mad at me…I know it's just minor, but I'm still scared…"
"Of course I forgive you, Kurt." Finn smiled his signature 100-watt Finn Hudson smile. "You're gonna be fine." He kissed Kurt's hand.
"Thanks, Finn." Kurt whispered, and he winced slightly. The pain in his abdomen was getting worse.
"I'm gonna go so they can fix you up." He squeezed Kurt's hand one last time and left.
He came back through the hospital and finally back to the waiting room, where he found a worried looking Artie and a confused looking Burt and Carole.
Finn smiled brightly and exclaimed, "IT'S A BOY!"
He was really beginning to figure out this April Fools' Day thing.