iDisclaimer: I don't own APH or the writing style, which belongs to Theresa Green.

A/N: rewrite fiiiive. more headcanon! yay!

and Ludwig's last name hurr

FELICIANO VARGAS: User Guide and Manual

CONGRATULATIONS! You have just purchased your very own FELICIANO VARGAS unit! In order to allow you full access to all of your unit's wonderful traits, we have provided this manual. Reading it is highly advised to avoid any undesirable situations involving a furious older brother unit.

Technical Specifications:

Name: Feliciano Vargas. Will respond to "Italy", "Italia", "Venice", "Milan", "Florence", "Veneziano", "Feli", and "Pasta freak".

Age: 20

Place of Manufacture: Venice, Italy

Height: 5'8"

Weight: N/A (it tends to fluctuate with his intake of pasta)

Length: Well, he sure won't be raising a white flag in this department, if you catch our drift...

Your FELICIANO VARGAS unit comes with the following:

Two (2) blue military outfits

One (1) sailor outfit

One (1) Pasta-Preparing Kit

Three (3) white flags

Programming

Your FELICIANO VARGAS comes with the following traits:

Stripper: Your unit has to shame in showing his body off, and - as he is just so beautiful - he will rake in cash, guaranteed!

Distraction: In need of something to distract the loan sharks after you? Just kick your FELICIANO VARGAS unit outside, and watch the magic happen as those collectors vanish!

Baby Sitter: Kids seem to love FELICIANO VARGAS, and will trust him quite completely despite his hyperactivity. While he does not seem too responsible, he does have a love of children that makes him perfect material to take care of them. Your only worry is if your kids will turn out like him!

Removal of your FELICIANO VARGAS Unit from Packaging

Your unit is a wonderfully amiable one, and it is quite hard to wake him in a way that will make him hate you. To avoid streams of tears soaking into your carpet, however, we have enclosed the following list of fail-safe ways to turn on your unit.

1. Cook a plate of pasta and set it next to the box. If you are worried that you will burn the pasta, simply drag your box into the kitchen and start boiling water. Your unit will start trying to punch his way out, but have no fear - he will stop within the second and start crying that the box is very hard. It is safe to undo the top; he will jump into your arms if you are male, and hug you tightly if you are female, in thanks for saving him from "the scary box"; when he lets go, you can reprogram him if desired.

2. Bring in either a LUDWIG KALTHERZIG, LOVINO VARGAS, or AUGUSTUS VARGAS unit, and have them call your FELICIANO VARGAS unit's name loud enough to hear across the street. Though he will have a positive reaction to the last choice, your unit will shake in fear at the last two - but he's cute when he's scared, so that's okay. When he calms down, you can reprogram him.

3. Open the box and tug his curl. He will jerk up and start shaking, at which time you can reprogram him. Be warned, nearby LOVINO VARGAS units might come barging in and threatening to kill you for violating their brother.

Reprogramming

After the successful removal of your FELICIANO VARGAS from his box, you have the option to reprogram him to a different personality, any of those listed below.

Adorable (default)

Flustered

Melancholic

Horny

Flipped

Sadistic (locked)

The FELICIANO VARGAS unit comes in his default Adorable mode. This mode entails everything that makes your FELICIANO VARGAS unit a FELICIANO VARGAS unit - meaning that in Adorable mode, he will be unable to read the atmosphere, idiotic, oblivious, and overall, just the kind of thing you want to take home and cuddle forever. FELICIANO VARGAS makes strange "vee" sounds in this mode; don't be alarmed, it is just his normal state. No matter what you reprogram him to, however, he will still retain traces of Adorable - such as saying, "Vee!" when he's depressed.

The Flustered mode, which can be unlocked by simply presenting him with a great deal of information in a very short time or showing him an injured LOVINO VARGAS unit, is basically FELICIANO VARGAS trying to retain a grasp on the world. He will have an expression of utter bamboozlement during the time spent in this mode, and will talk to himself in confused, quick Italian often. This is the perfect time to use dirty moves on him; he will be a bit too preoccupied trying to discern for himself the dichotomy of good and evil to resist.

To unlock Melancholic, you must only remind him of his civil wars. FELICIANO VARGAS in Melancholic means that he will brood for hours on end about an assortment of heart-wrenching topics. It is not advised to disturb him in this mode unless you have pasta, as he will start wailing his life story to you through a torrent of tears if you attempt to get him to bathe or whatnot.

Horny mode is a little frightening to be around. He will attempt to jump anything with legs, and, in some cases, things without. Do not be alarmed if you walk in on him dry-humping a wall, or actually humping another unit's leg; it is also common for him to run around pantless while in this mode. It is unlocked by letting a FRANCIS BONNEFOIS unit speak to him in private, and can only be turned off by having an IVAN BRAGINSKI unit threaten him to stop giving his TORIS LORINAITIS/YAO WANG/GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT/etc unit lewd looks.

His Flipped mode is tricky to unlock, as you need a LOVINO VARGAS unit to program it. Once you've got the needed other unit, simply lock them in a room together for a week. One outcome of that is gaining the Flipped modes on them: your FELICIANO VARGAS will talk and act like a LOVINO VARGAS, and vice versa. If the Flipped mode is not unlocked through them being shut up in a room together, then you will most likely end up with either a Flustered FELICIANO VARGAS and a Suicidal LOVINO VARGAS, or a romantic relationship between the two.

FELICIANO VARGAS's only locked mode is his Sadistic one. It is extremely difficult to gain: one needs a very shocking event to gain it, such as FELICIANO VARGAS seeing the mutilated corpse of LUDWIG KALTHERZIG or learning that LOVINO VARGAS has been raped. In Sadistic, your FELICIANO VARGAS unit will stop at nothing to gain revenge on whoever hurt his friends or family, and will rarely realize what he is doing until his anger is quenched and he drops into Melancholic. This mode is not advised, as FELICIANO VARGAS will not be above using you, his owner, as bait or a guinea pig for a torture device. To get him out of it early, you will have to rewire his entire harddrive, which you can call Customer Support for help on.

Relationships with Other Units:

LUDWIG KALTHERZIG: Your FELICIANO VARGAS simply adores LUDWIG KALTHERZIG, and will do practically anything for him.

LOVINO VARGAS: As these two units are twins, they are very close - close enough that one can feel when his twin is being hurt. A FELICIANO VARGAS will be quite harmless if he comes upon you violating your LOVINO VARGAS, but heaven help the one who is caught pulling FELICIANO VARGAS's curl by his twin. These two are also perfect for a relationship.

KIKU HONDA: As, along with the LUDWIG KALTHERZIG unit, FELICIANO VARGAS and KIKU HONDA form the Axis Alliance, these two units have a good and slightly strained relationship. We, the creators of this manual, are not responsible for any system corruption brought onto a KIKU HONDA unit because of your FELICIANO VARGAS.

FRANCIS BONNEFOIS: FELICIANO VARGAS views FRANCIS BONNEFOIS as a big brother of sorts, mostly due to assistance during the wars for Italian unification, and quite likes him. Maybe that's because he doesn't realize that what is happening to him is molestation, not hugging.

ALFRED F. JONES: LOVINO VARGAS and your unit both assisted ALFRED F. JONES during early 20th century prohibition; as such, your unit likes ALFRED F. JONES well enough for there to be a relationship, if that's what you're asking.

RODERICH EDELSTEIN: Just as he sees FRANCIS BONNEFOIS as a sort of brother, FELICIANO VARGAS thinks relatively kindly of RODERICH EDELSTEIN as a father-figure. He will not feel romantically inclined to a RODERICH EDELSTEIN unit no matter what you do, and the same applies for a RODERICH EDELSTEIN unit to a FELICIANO VARGAS.

Cleaning

While we are sure that the FELICIANO VARGAS unit can take care of himself, he rarely does. You will have to install a schedule for him and, if you want him to wash his hair, you'll have to do that too.

Feeding

FELICIANO VARGAS' food of choice is some type of pasta, of course. Pizza is second, but he will really eat anything you give him.

Rest

Your unit will pass out randomly, and tends to sleep naked. Do not be alarmed if you wake up to find him either in bed with you or gone; he likes sleeping with other people. If not at your home, he is most likely with a LUDWIG KALTHERZIG or LOVINO VARGAS unit.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: My FELICIANO VARGAS unit is crying and won't shut the hell up!

A: Well, this is a problem we warned you about when you purchased him. Making him pasta will usually ease the tears; if it doesn't, give him a tight hug and tell him that everything's okay.

Q: My unit is ripping my bedsheets apart to make white flags! Those are expensive bedsheets, too...

A: Feed him pasta to calm him down, then take him on a cloth-shopping trip and let him buy what he wants - because, when he's done with your white sheets, he'll move on to your curtains, and probably to your underwear when all else fails.

Generally, a good helping of pasta can fix your problem. If that doesn't work, feel free to contact Customer Support.

Troubleshooting

Problem: Your FELICIANO VARGAS unit is tiny and wearing a dress, and has a disturbingly high voice.

Solution: Oh, bother, we've mixed up the order and sent you a CHIBITALIA unit. He'll be happy to do your laundry, cooking, and generally any sort of chore you want him to do. He might ask for a Holy Roman Empire, or a LUDWIG KALTHERZIG unit constantly and spend more time with the RODERICH EDELSTEIN and LOVINO VARGAS units, as well as adore ANTONIO FERNANDEZ CARRIEDO more; these are natural, as he is his childhood self and is remembering the wonderful childhood he had.

End Notes

With enough care and pasta, FELICIANO VARGAS will prove to be the most adorable, tender and loyal companion you'll ever have, albeit a bit cowardly. As there is a lifetime warranty, he will love you forever! Good luck with your unit!

A/N: derp