Today is the day that I will finally be able to see him with another man and smile.

Today is the day that I will finally be able to truly be happy for him, knowing that he's as in love with this new man as I was with him.

I say a congratulations through a sincere smile, and we hug for a moment or two. He's so happy. So very happy. Without me.

Is that why when I stepped inside the comfort of my own home, the tears started to streak my face without warning?

Is that why I collapsed on the floor, the door still open behind me?

Is that why my knees became weak and my body shook enough to almost be convulsing as my tears became more numerous, blinding my wide open eyes?

Is that why I had to gasp for breath, choking on my sobs and clutching my chest as the pain only heightened?

Why couldn't he have simply loved me back?

Why couldn't he have tried as hard as I did to make this work?

Why couldn't he see that his leaving caused my existence to become meaningless? Pointless?

Why couldn't he see that all I've wanted to do, since the moment he left, is die?

I've so badly wanted to kill myself over the past 2 weeks or so. I've wanted my dreams to stop, because they're nothing more than nightmares, memories of him.

And I want my eyes to stop seeing so that he I can't look into his blue eyes. I want my ears to stop hearing so that his voice will no longer reach me. I don't want to be able to touch him, or even smell his breathtaking scent.

And I want my heart to stop beating so that it won't break again. So that it won't hurt anymore. So that I can finally be in peace.

I can't always force myself to smile when I see him. He knows the difference between my real smiles and those that are fake.

"We were engaged."

When he said those words, I almost stopped breathing.

"We were engaged, after all. So, bitte, don't lie to me."

I couldn't stop myself from crying, wanting to run the other way.

What could I have told him?

That my life was meaningless without him?

That my heart has never really felt anything for anyone else after he left?

That all I wanted was his love?

That I've wanted to die since he left?

That I can't stop myself from thinking about him?

That I have almost killed myself too many times to count, the only thing keeping me alive was that small flame of hope that I could get over him?

That I want to be his friend, but it still hurts to see him?

Could I have told him that I was sorry for not being perfect? For not being enough? For not being the one person that he treasured more than his life?

Should I have told him that I wasn't angry that he didn't keep his promise to love me forever, but that it hurt that he had lied to me like that?

He lied.

He lied.

He lied.

He never loved me.

He never cared about me.

He lied.

Every word was a lie.

And now I'm left to cry alone in my room, thoughts of him spinning in my throbbing head, my body unable to move from the ice cold floor.

He was the only man that I ever truly loved.

He was the only man whom I could imagine spending my life with.

Eternity.

The only man that I've ever given myself to completely.

The only man who has ever held my heart in a way that made it much too easy to break.

Much too difficult to heal once it broke.

Ludwig was the only man that I have ever trusted with all of myself.

And he lied to me.

And he did it with a smile.