Change in Me

You were always so kind. Seeing you now...I don't know you anymore, and it makes me wonder how much of it was my fault, and how much was others, or yours...but you're not you. I just hope there's enough of the real you left...

Osamu I & Ken I

Change in Me

You were always so kind, even when your kindness was repaid by hurt. You were always so sweet, so generous, even while others took from you and never returned. You weren't perfect; that was, after all, the title others bestowed upon me. People who didn't understand. Neighbours, friends...but could you really call them friends if they never understood? Even 'kaa-san and 'tou-san...

...but not you. You understood, even when at times I failed to myself. You didn't see me as Ichijoji Osamu, boy genius, child prodigy and much else besides, you saw me as Osamu ni-chan, your older brother, the one who would play with you when our parents were occupied and blow bubbles with you on the terrace, even when more often than not I was undeserving of that title.

Often I think now I took your kindness for granted; it's true that most of the time, we don't realise what we have until we lose it. I was harsh with you, even as I tried to play the big brother role. Perhaps because you were younger, and often taken for granted for just being there, that I was able to just be myself in front of you...

...but I wasn't, was I? After all, the Osamu ni-chan who taught you how to blow bubbles would not hit you and yell at you while you had the right to be upset. I suppose, in everything, I lost sight of who I really was, even with you being a constant reminder.

First, you were the warm light that reminded me and drew me to my truth. But I made you the harsh one that is driven away. I no longer wanted to be reminded; I could no longer afford to, with the weight of the world's expectations on my shoulders. You were so carefree, so innocent...and still, so kind. Even after I pushed you away to maintain the persona which you knew well was not me, you remained kind.

But kindness cannot survive long on its own, and perhaps I am partially to blame for you losing sight of that. I wonder now, if I hadn't pushed you away, would you have resorted to this?

But I see you know; you look so much like me, or what I would have looked like, and no doubt, acted similar to as well. 'kaa-san and 'tou-san wanted a genius, the people expected one, so you gave them one, and you seized to be Ken, instead trying to be something you aren't.

And you lost yourself too...you needed an outlet, but you didn't have yourself to rely on, the sweet, kind 'touto-chan whom I had had when things got rough, even if I drove you away in the end. So you turned to the digital world, to the persona which you called the Digimon Kaiser; even then, you resembled me far more than yourself.

The real Ken was lost. Looking at you now, I see me, I see the society we grew up in, and which you are still apart of, I see our parents, but I can't see you.

It's almost like I don't know you anymore. The real you. The gentle five year old I blew bubbles on our terrace with, or the seven year old who snuck under my bed with the flashlight at night after we watched that horror movie together.

Heh, you used to hate horror movies, remember Ken-chan? You used to hate how cruel people were, to other people, or to animals...and now you're turning against all of that. Everything that defined you, you've turned your back on.

But then I see new people, people I hope you can one day call your friends, whom you can one day trust enough to do so. You never had friends before, did you? Because there was me, and that was all as far as you were concerned, at least till you stepped into the Digital World. Others didn't look at you because of me; I took the light away from you and left you in the dark.

But then I wonder if we hadn't been raised up that way, if 'kaa-san and 'tou-san hadn't pushed me so hard in my studies to make my academic achievements the most important thing while other things didn't matter. If they hadn't been so focused on me that they overlooked you, and even after I died (and you blame yourself for that as well, yet another guilt my long dead heart carries) they only saw you once you became me.

But you can't blame them really. They wanted a perfect child; what parent doesn't in the end. The definition of perfect simply tends to differ with their ideologies, and their upbringing. Perhaps it's just the way things are, you try and sometimes you succeed, sometimes you fail, and from that failure, you learn and try something new.

There's the masses too. The anonymous people which used to annoy you beyond all cuteness when they flocked behind us when we tried to enjoy a nice afternoon at the park. There's power in the masses; even when their identities are unknown, or else easily overlooked, their influence is not. And society's influence too plays a role in shaping a person. And the load on your shoulders with their expectations...

And then there's you. Above all, you chose to deter from the path set in front of you. You chose to cast the kindness that defined you aside in favour of shaggy clothes which despite its appearance, hung from you, as ill-fitting as the persona you adorned.

And deep down, you realise that. But you've buried the kind child, the real you, under the mask of cruelty, or apathy depending on circumstance, that you wear now.

Whatever the cause, I can't see you anymore. You're gone.

But I hope enough of the real you is left to be saved.

Because I want the real Ken-chan back.

Even if it's too late for me. Because there are other people out there who want the real you back as well.

The End

Author's Notes:

Post only this time. I wrote this fic for a friend of mine whom I've unfortunately lost contact with, and we (as in the original group of friends) feel pretty much the same way Osamu does here (there's a mix there, not just me), while the friend this is for, is more like Ken.

Knowing someone's path has carried them away from you while not knowing whether or not you had a role to play in that, or you could have done something to prevent it...well, I needed an outlet, because the news was pretty upsetting seeing as though she's my best friend and has gotten herself into God knows what, and I can't even contact her (I've been trying for two years).

So if you're reading this (though it's very unlikely), take care of yourself, 'kay. I'm really sorry I can't tell you this in person, but it's like we're on two separate planes and I can't reach you. And if I ever said or done anything which led to this...then all I can really say is sorry.